Insecure Girlfriend

[happyman2012]

Our relationship is great, we have been together 9 months.
We almost always go out and do things and try new things.
I keep things exciting. The sex is great, shes very loyal and caring.
We share alot of the same views and morals and are very compatible. So all in all shes a really decent girl and girlfriend material. She says and acts like she is really really into me and loves me, and she is definetly attracted to me.

I like to think of myself as a strong good man. In my eyes ive done everything right -

• I am confident, secure and strong
• set boundaires for the relationship and keep it fair
• call her out on any BS and stand up for myself when needs be and for the people I care about,
• dont get all lovely dovey and profess my love for her ALL the time. I show her I care by my actions.
• I dont spend money on her ALL the time and by her lavish gifts, but I do take her out for meals and by her things sometimes.
• I treat her with respect.
• I lead my own life and encourage her to be more confident in herself.
• I dont text and call constantly.
• I reward her good behaviour and punish the bad (by taking my attention or time away from her, depending on the situation)
• Compliment her sparingly and when I actually want to say it rather than when I think I SHOULD say it
• I keep things fun and I am naturally C&F
• Totally honest with her from the start and expect and encourage her to be the same
• Give her orgasms every time we have sex haha and give her it good haha!

BUT

She has these insecurities, which are not rational. I have given her NO reason to think anything what so ever. She even says the same!
(BTW, SHE HAS BEEN CHEATED ON BEFORE IN THE PAST and generally thinks into things and worrys)
She thinks -

• that Im chattin up other girls behind her back
• that I want other girls
• that I dont find her attractive anymore (even though I tell her I do, have great sex, compliment her ass (cos shes got a nice one)
• that I look at other girls when we are out
• That because I have a habit of taking my phone with me where ever I go that I have something to hide

( I do that because Im used to living on my own and like to have it near me so Im not running round trying to find it if someone calls me)

I know that its GOOD that she has some insecurities, because that shows she cares, she dosent take me for granted and that she is afraid of losing me.

I just dont think its good or healthy for her to think Im talking to other girls behind her back That kind of thinking cant be good surley? Plus its ANNOYING when she says to me I'm looking at other girls bla bla bla.

I try and encourage her to be more confident and have more trust in me but I dont know what to do.

I'd love to hear any thoughts or ideas?!

 

[PlayHer Man]

Its much better for her to be insecure than the opposite. Sure its annoying but it also means you're in control.

Just make sure it doesn't reach psycho levels.

This is very important --> Don't change your behavior AT ALL. To do so is an admission of guilt. You are doing nothing wrong.. therefore there is no reason to change.. SHE NEEDS TO CHANGE.

With that said.. let her be insecure. A lot of men fall into the trap of trying to "fix" their girlfriends. Don't do it. Never try to fix anyone. EVER.

 

[happyman2012]

I wont change my behaviour. She told me about the phone thing and I said well thats something I wont change just because you get insecure about it. I have always done it wether Im single or not. I have nothing to hide, so trust me and deal with it. I dont really want to fix her because I have done nothing to make her this way.

She isnt a confident girl - do you think I should try and build her confidence up more? If so, how?

 

[The Duke]

My gf is exactly as you described. And as Playher Man mentioned, you don't want the girl that is opposite of insecure! You have to decide what you can tolerate and what you can't.

By your list sounds like you are doing everything right. Don't change a thing. Its her, not you. She will always be insecure but over time some of that will ease up.

Another thing I always have to remind myself is some of this is just "noise". Don't let it get to you. Most of it is just her hamster wheel talking while in irrational over drive.

I've had the "secure" type before and the stunts they pull are far more damaging than the "noise" the insecure ones throw out.

Insecure girls are pretty harmless and more feminine. They are also more willing to please!

And getting called out on the phone thing, yeah been accused of that too. Keep doing. Insecurity is a selfish trait! ;-) Remind her of that.

A person who is insecure lacks confidence in their own value, their capabilities, and lacks trust in themselves and others. They also fearthat a present positive state is temporary, and will let them down and cause them loss or distress by "going wrong" in the future. <------Sound familiar?

Remember to always keep your pimp hand strong, no matter how much schitt she throws around, insecure girls will respect and admire you for this. Most guys cave in and dig themselves a deeper hole. Don't be that puss bag. Don't be afraid to let her know that you aren't afraid to hit the road if she doesn't keep her behavior in check. Women might be the gate keeper to the pu$$y, but men are the gate keepers to the relationship! Use your power to your advantage.

 

[TheException]

This is very important --> Don't change your behavior AT ALL

Although I agree with PlayHer Man's overall advice, you have to remember that a relationship is a balance of attraction AND rapport. Its good that your girlfriend recognizes that you can attract other women....BUT she has to feel like you chose her above the rest. Its interesting because most relationship problems come from a lack of attraction, not rapport. So we also focus on doing things that should be alpha....be busy, be interesting, have passions, etc. We seldom talk about the rapport aspect. Its really simple, just make sure to sprinkle in rapport building when she deserves it.

Rapport Example:
-Mix in extended cuddling after an amazing sexual romp
-Hand Holding
-Occasionally do nice things for her(not necessarily by spending money)
-Have passionate sex

Its basically things that let her know..."Even though I can get any girl I want....I choose you". Everything in balance. Dont go overboard with rapport now. Your relationship sounds like its in a good place.

I try and encourage her to be more confident and have more trust in me but I dont know what to do.

I'd love to hear any thoughts or ideas?!

I wouldnt. Dont encourage her to do anything. Keep avoiding or agree and amplify when she brings up "you and other girls". Dont try to alleviate her fears by trying to explain...remember they are NOT logical, they are emotional creatures. Just make sure you sprinkle in some rapport and keep the relationship in balance.

 

[happyman2012]

Ok gotcha!
Something I forgot to mention... She has family issues. Her mum is a selfish ***** (luckily she isnt anything like her mum) and she isnt happy when shes at home. Her mum isnt interested in family time or anything else, something my girlfriend is really into. Her dad never seems to bother with her much either. She told me that she has always felt like that, so Im wondering wether that situation is making the insecurities worse. Perhaps abandondment issues or sumthing I dno or not feeling wanted.

She said to me that if we split up then she hasnt really got anything else!

 

[Greasy Pig]

The OP's original post is so much like my relationship it's fvcking freaky.
Everything you described is what I'm going through.
The accusations of chatting up other girls, looking at other girls, taking my phone everywhere I go, worried I'm going to dump her at any moment, great sex, tells me I'm the perfect man etc
I've tried to reassure her with words and actions that she is my woman and I don't want anyone else but it's not working.
I'm actually shocked right now at the similarities. Wow.
I have to say I'm getting really tired of it. I've used agree and amplify and it just feeds her insecurities to fever pitch so I stopped doing that and have fallen into the trap of trying to discuss her issues with male logic.
I've gotten angry with her and withdrawn attention but again, she immediately thinks I'm with other women if I'm not in contact with her.

Things came to a head last weekend when I went out with friends and she lost the plot. Not at me, just lost her nerve completely and very sadly hit me with every accusation under the sun.
I calmed her down but I really fear she'll lose her mind completely if I have another night out.
I feel it's only a matter of time before her fears become a self-fulfilling prophecy and I get sick of it and walk.
I've told her the constant lack of trust (with absolutely no concrete justification) is hurtful, immature and tiring but it has no effect.
She thinks I'm just playing her until some other girl comes along.

It's a real shame because she's proven to have more good qualities than any other woman I've known. She's thoughtful, old fashioned, cooks and cleans for me, plenty of sex, very good looking but doesn't think so, loyal, reserved and has only been with five men in her life (she's 38).
How do you get through to someone with such deep-seated insecurities?
I'd say she's like this 20% of the time. The other 80% is fantastic.

 

[happyman2012]

Its crazy isnt it! Sounds to be very very similar!
She isnt a nut case about it and dosent go crazy, but its like you say it just wares you out.
She cant be truley happy if she thinks im doing stuff behind her back can she?!
I know I wouldnt be if it was the other way around.
Perhaps the best thing to do is just stay the course and hopefully in time they will begin to trust us more!

 

[instantnoodles]

Aw you seem like a great BF. I would say yes, it's probably her past. 80% some people get anxious about the past and it's hard not to be totally relaxed. Just reassure and if she continues, then it's mostly like a deeper issue of some sort...

 

[Ihateinitiatingalot7]

Its much better for her to be insecure than the opposite. Sure its annoying but it also means you're in control.

Just make sure it doesn't reach psycho levels.

This is very important --> Don't change your behavior AT ALL. To do so is an admission of guilt. You are doing nothing wrong.. therefore there is no reason to change.. SHE NEEDS TO CHANGE.

With that said.. let her be insecure. A lot of men fall into the trap of trying to "fix" their girlfriends. Don't do it. Never try to fix anyone. EVER.

yeah that's the unfair double-standard I really hate, despise, loathe, women are allowed to be insecure but men are not, honestly I just hate, despise, loathe on how us guys are expected to be so god damn strong all the damn time!, pisses me off so god damn much it fills me with rage and anger, and women don't need to be interesting, have hobbies, have passions, have a life in order to get a boyfriend, I know that for a fact, and yet too many people argue and say we guys, men have it easier

 

[SamTheHobit]

I'd love an insecure girlfriend.

I had a girlfriend the complete opposite, never got any accusations let me do whatever the fvck I want and never said a thing about it.

Funny enough it made feel like she couldn't give a fvck.

Is it really that bad to want a feminine co-dependant girlfriend? Hahaha

 

[GetFit66]

I have a feeling your walking into a deep deep pit.

Mommy and daddy problems are normally a red flag. Tread lightly.

 

[user name]

insecure girls who are not afraid to show they are insecure are a real drag.

most girls are insecure but have the good sense to hide it which gives them that goddess-like mystique that makes guys pedastalize them.

the ones who make no apologies for their insecurities are the ones that films like fatal attraction are made of. i hate them. i'd rather have a non-relationship with a player than one of these again. ugh.

 

[Greasy Pig]

A buddy of mine has bad to go away on a business trip with three female coworkers. He's not a bad looking guy but she's a warpig with three brats. He treats them all like fvcking solid gold and she should be grateful that someone like him has stuck by her. He's so devoted to her and the kids.
But her angry, bitter response to the trip was "Don't contact me at all until you get back".
Why can't these women fvcking realise that time apart doesn't automatically mean you're going to cheat?!
It's so juvenile and insane.

 

[Duracell_Bunny]

Meh, it's not a major issue depending on what they are insecure about.

From what you have said it's all good.

I've been in a relationship with a chick who was very insecure about her body - she never felt sexy and the sex became crap. Then if I'm distancing from her should would seek an ego boost from anyone, including exes.

 

[London NATURAL]

Insecure girls are for weak guys and easy one time only lays.
It's a big red flag for me. But if it's a "pump 'n dump" what's the worry?

 

[London NATURAL]

She's lower value than you, an she either knows it, or she's damaged. You can do better..

 

[Atom Smasher]

Tread carefully. Such deep insecurity will either simmer down over time, or escalate to an unbearable degree.

This behavior is a very common symptom of BPD, but it sounds like she doesn't display the other traits of that horrible mental disease. It would have shown up by now.

If it escalates and becomes unbearable, at dump time things will get very, very ugly. Threats of suicide are common in such cases.

I recommend that you keep on training her and if she really goes overboard, put your foot down firmly and aggressively. Let her know you will only tolerate a certain amount of this and that she has to learn self-control.

 

[user name]

She's lower value than you, an she either knows it, or she's damaged. You can do better..

she's not lower value because no-one is higher/lower than anyone.

it's worse than that. she perceives herself to be lower valuer and to me that's a real turn off.

 

[JoeMarron]

More and more grievous red flags popped up the longer I read this thread. I feel it's only going to get worse from here. It is virtually impossible to have a successful relationship with a woman like this. She clearly has low self esteem and her family is fvcked up. She most likely feels that she doesn't deserve the treatment she's getting from you, therefore she suspects that you're doing something behind her back. There is nothing you can do to fix this. As hard as it may be I'd recommend distancing yourself from her and eventually breaking up. It may sound premature now but eventually it's just gonna get worse and you're gonna get your heart broken. You don't have to do it immediately but start expanding your options, getting new plates lined up, and planning your exit strategy. Next time you get into a relationship find a woman who has high self esteem and comes from a good, healthy family.