Initial Conversation - Fun or Screening?

[waynejohn]

Last night, I hung out with some friends of a buddy of mine. The girls we were with, although physically attractive, were pretty boring and typical. I was not into their kind of drunken party lifestyle at all.

I don't want to spend my time talking/dating just any old hot chick. Especially one that wants to drag me to an overpriced bar or club because it is perceived as exclusive and trendy.

I've read that when you first meet a girl, you should find out about her so you have a reason for going out with her besides her looks.

I've also read that you should keep the initial conversation light.

The two seem to be at odds, since I want the girl to express to me how she feels and thinks about particular things - life, family, relationships, hobbies/passions, thundercats action figures, etc...

I don't mind sharing my views on any of these things. And it's not like I can't make playful banter, jokes, stories etc... I can, and am pretty funny and creative at times.

But I see all that as coming after I know I want to hang out with a chick, not before. Am I confused about how this is supposed to work?

 

[stayfly]

you can have fun and screen at the same time bro

if it's clear they aren't a good match for you, move onto other targets.

keep it simple. meet girls, have fun, get to know the one/s you like better and if an interest sparks, get their number and take it from there.

does that help at all dude?

 

[waynejohn]

that's the problem. i don't see meeting people as being fun. i don't really even care to make new friends, the ones i got are plenty.

i can be entertaining and fun and all that. but i don't care to do be that when i just meet a girl for no reason.

i'm kind of goal oriented, and i don't believe in this advice about how you shouldn't focus on the outcome. every guy has a goal/outcome in the back of his head.

when i meet a girl, i only want to find out if she meets my definition of cool. if she does and i tell her i dig her and she is cool with that, then we can do fun stuff.

i don't see how the fun would come first. why should i bother making jokes and telling stories to a girl if i don't know a little bit about her.

 

[stayfly]

^^^^^

focus on hardcore screening then bro but have fun doing it

like don't be all serious "what are you studying?"

be like "you look kinda nerdy, I bet you're studying accounting right?"

when I say be fun I just mean enjoy the process. you don't have to entertain anyone you don't want to. just get to know people and vibe with them and repeat until you've found some solid targets. I'm sure you'll find the right balance with more experience in the field.

 

[sodbuster]

You have to show her YOU are fun and make her interested in you first. Otherwise why would she talk to you? Then you get to find out id she meets your needs.

 

[chipsmith]

Screening and fun.

 

[waynejohn]

You have to show her YOU are fun and make her interested in you first. Otherwise why would she talk to you? Then you get to find out id she meets your needs.

Have you considered this the other way around?

"She has to show me SHE is interesting and make me interested in her first. Otherwise, why would I spend time with her. Then she gets to find out if I meet her needs."

I just want a reality check. For all the times I have read "be the prize," it would make more sense for my version to be more correct.

Screening and fun.

I just don't get this stuff at all. I'm trying to juggle all these things at once. How a cold approach is supposed to work. How I should talk to a girl when I first meet her. How I'm supposed to touch her.

The first and only girl I ever went out with, years ago, I met through a friend and we chatted on the subway. She was hot. I didn't screen her. I didn't make her laugh. I didn't have fun. I just asked her what she was studying in school, her job, her family.

And in the middle of the conversation, I offered to tutor her in her college math class. She gave me this weird look, and we kept talking. Before we left, she brought it up again and said, "So, about this math." And we made plans for me to tutor her at her house and exchanged numbers. She called me two times before we met, and drove all the way from Brooklyn to Queens to pick me up and drop me off.

Of course, I was an idiot and didn't know what I was doing. So I tutored her, and she pretended to not understand anything, and then she dropped me off. She even asked me if I had any cough drops before we got to my house. At one point, on the way back, she just blurted out, "damn, you are so cool." And when I got out of the car and said good bye, her eyes were sparkling. I'll never forget that or how stupid I was.

I'm short and I was kind of chubby then. I didn't tell any interesting stories or do any of that stuff. I didn't tease her, or flirt with her. I actually was being myself.

That's been the only positive experience I've ever had with a woman. Everything since then has been a complete disaster. I know I'm a good guy, I'm just clueless when it comes to meeting them.

Recently, I've been doing some cold approaching being very direct, in an attempt to cut through all the bullsh*t. Sometimes the girl blows me off, and other times she has a boyfriend and isn't lying about it or is in a rush to get somewhere.

One chick actually said she was seeing someone, and said that the way I went up to her in the bookstore was "ballsy" and took guts. And she stuck around for a conversation, but I didn't know where to go from there.