in need of some LTR advice

[Gen. Cornwallis]

I am a sr. in college, my gf is a jr, and we have been together for about six months. when my gf was in high school she dated a boy for over a year. while they were dating this boy hit her. of course, any self respecting girl would not tolerate this behavior and would end the relationship. she did not, she put up with it. this was a mistake but I can forgive her for that because she was young and in her first LTR.

in my opinion, there is nothing lower than boy who hits women. it is simply unexcusable behavior. it affects the relationship that I have with her becuase I've had to see her cry so many times due to emotional damage inflicted by this abuse. I'm creating this thread because I am extremely bothered that she still talks to this kid. It reflects poorly on her character and makes me think of her as a weak person. I'd expect her to put this kid in her past and never talk to him again. Is this an unreasonable expectation?

I don't bring up her relationship with this kid in conversation because I don't know him and they dated before I even met her. I also don't want to appear jealous or insecure. I almost talked to her about this tonight though because she was sitting next to me going through her phone and I saw that she had several texts from him in her phone. This upset me and I wanted to say something about it but decided to ask the board first.

Thanks for reading. I'm looking forward to hearing what you think about this.

 

[blinkwatt]

Let her know that the PAST relationship was in the PAST. Just get her phone from her one day,go through it and act casual,"Hey what's **** doing texting you?" Take her answer,look at her in the eyes with a look of disappointment hopefully she will look at you like "What?". Tell her "I thought you were better then that,he was in the PAST and will stay there." Then change the subject.

Honestly though,if hes texting her and she is responding to more then the "Whats up" I would watch her as she has a connection to him still.

You could start texting random past ladies to get her back and make sure she sees it.
Good luck bro!

 

[Soapz]

I also don't want to appear jealous or insecure.

ARE you jealous or insecure about it? If you are, don't let it cloud your judgement (harder than it sounds, but try anyways).

I honestly don't think your expectations are unreasonable, but you gotta realise- people don't operate on logic, they operate on emotions. And hers are all over the place (from what I can gather).

"Love her or leave her.

That is the single greatest relationship advice ever given. Either love her, flaws n' all, or if its too much for you, just leave. Anything else is just poison to your mental well being. Once again, this is easier said than done, but you've really got to make the decision and stick with it.

If you do happen to choose "love her," then genuinely try and help her through this.

Hope it all works out, and keep us updated!

 

[Gen. Cornwallis]

Can I get some more help with this?

Thanks.

 

[WORKEROUTER]

I am a sr. in college, my gf is a jr, and we have been together for about six months. when my gf was in high school she dated a boy for over a year. while they were dating this boy hit her. of course, any self respecting girl would not tolerate this behavior and would end the relationship. she did not, she put up with it. this was a mistake but I can forgive her for that because she was young and in her first LTR.

in my opinion, there is nothing lower than boy who hits women. it is simply unexcusable behavior. it affects the relationship that I have with her becuase I've had to see her cry so many times due to emotional damage inflicted by this abuse. I'm creating this thread because I am extremely bothered that she still talks to this kid. It reflects poorly on her character and makes me think of her as a weak person. I'd expect her to put this kid in her past and never talk to him again. Is this an unreasonable expectation?

I don't bring up her relationship with this kid in conversation because I don't know him and they dated before I even met her. I also don't want to appear jealous or insecure. I almost talked to her about this tonight though because she was sitting next to me going through her phone and I saw that she had several texts from him in her phone. This upset me and I wanted to say something about it but decided to ask the board first.

Thanks for reading. I'm looking forward to hearing what you think about this.

No reason to get upset. Stop being a women with your thoughts and say them.

Tell her this. Tell her that "there is no reason you should be chatting with this loser. he's in the past. if you want to revive the connection, i have no desire to be exclusive with you."

If she continues this, you are going to dump her. Why? Because you cannot fully trust her. Don't buy into her bullsh*t, either. This is untrustworthy behaviour and in fact I predict that you are ALREADY on thin line with this broad.

If a girl wants to communicate and such with an ex, she is welcome to do so, but make sure not to get involved with her. Treat her like a f*ck toy.

 

[Phyzzle]

In general, when dealing with "girl wants to talk to the ex" situations, you can't phrase it like an Ultimatum: "stop talking to him or else." That's no good.

You can suggest that being your gf means it's proper to show you more respect. But if that guy lives far away in another city, I don't know if I'd make a big deal out of it anyways.

 

[Jariel]

No reason to get upset. Stop being a women with your thoughts and say them.

Tell her this. Tell her that "there is no reason you should be chatting with this loser. he's in the past. if you want to revive the connection, i have no desire to be exclusive with you."

If she continues this, you are going to dump her. Why? Because you cannot fully trust her. Don't buy into her bullsh*t, either. This is untrustworthy behaviour and in fact I predict that you are ALREADY on thin line with this broad.

If a girl wants to communicate and such with an ex, she is welcome to do so, but make sure not to get involved with her. Treat her like a f*ck toy.

I echo every word of this!

It sounds like you're heading into the friendzone here. She's b1tching about her ex boyfriend to you, crying on your shoulder and getting attention, yet secretly texting him and probably wishing she was fvcking him.

Sounds harsh eh? But you need to stand up for yourself more. When she moans about this guy, ask her straight why she's still in contact with him. Don't be afraid to confront her and get answers, and don't let her make you think you're being paranoid and insecure because you are right to be p1ssed off over this and I'd do the same!

To be honest, if I were in your situation I'd probably just start spending time with other women and keep my options open.

 

[Nighthawk]

Women will often paint their exes as abusive. Not saying he didn't hit her, but she put up with it, and seems to harbour no ill-feeling to him in real life, perhaps the opposite.

A lot of women will present themselves as innocent victims, and it can be manipulative. They were beaten as kids, their ex was a monster, whatever. Sometimes its true and sometimes it's exaggerated. And un-PC as it is, sometimes women provoke fights for all sorts of reasons.

Your job is too be able to tell the difference. Women want a strong man who will protect her, but they don't want a sucker who will fall for any old sob story.

In this case, it seems that you have the issue with this guy, not her. You could ask her not to text him, but if she's still attracted to him it might make things worse.

And hard as it sounds, if he's better in bed than you he's in with a chance of stealing her back, bad-boy or not. Great sex=loyalty, if you have any doubts in this area I refer you to this classic thread

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=16888&

 

[Kings_royalty]

It reflects poorly on her character and makes me think of her as a weak person. I'd expect her to put this kid in her past and never talk to him again. Is this an unreasonable expectation?


No, it's not unreasonable. What you need to do is express these 'exact' feelings to HER. You have certain expectations in the girls you date, if she can't meet them, then she needs to move on.

Also, tell her that the more she dwells on with this guy, the harder it is for your relationship with her to work, and the last thing you are going to do is compete with the past.

Make sure you don't get pissy when communicating this to her, keep your cool and be relaxed.

Note: It will be more effective if she thinks you can take or leave her.

 

[WORKEROUTER]

I echo every word of this!

It sounds like you're heading into the friendzone here. She's b1tching about her ex boyfriend to you, crying on your shoulder and getting attention, yet secretly texting him and probably wishing she was fvcking him.

Sounds harsh eh? But you need to stand up for yourself more. When she moans about this guy, ask her straight why she's still in contact with him. Don't be afraid to confront her and get answers, and don't let her make you think you're being paranoid and insecure because you are right to be p1ssed off over this and I'd do the same!

To be honest, if I were in your situation I'd probably just start spending time with other women and keep my options open.

You can't give chicks leeway. If my gf was to ever start talking about some sh*t regarding another guy, I would cut her off before she could get to the second sentence, and tell her straight out that I don't give a f*ck.

One chick I was dating tried talking about some ex to me. I told her that if she doesn't stop, I'll leave. I was actually putting on my shoes till she started beggint me to stay!