loving
Senior Don Juan
I just woke up from one of the first lucid dreams I've had in a while.
I'm adding this line in halfway through writing mypost because I think it is important to say, this post is very jumpy. It shifts from point to point, so it may be a good idea to write down your thoughts as they come. Most replies follow the topic poster's thought stream somewhat, and this stream may not be the most coherent thing for your minds to respond to.
Every time I dream I fly around, and I installed a nice little switch that says, hey, im flying, this must be a dream, right? Oh, and when you bite your finger, it feels kinda numb and tingly, but other than that everythings very real looking for me.
There was one part right after I left my house, that the sky split into two red halves, one side with my parents and them saying i should come back to reality, and the other was just kinda there and a much more "creamy" red with nothing there, and so when they said that to me I wondered what's the other side, and said that's what I'm here to find out. ****, it's my dream. Sky, blue. And flew off, but then I started to do stupid **** in the dream I didn't really want to. Metaphor?
So anyway, I'm noticing my state getting much better, I am evolving. I do have yet to go and get real world experience, I am working on unravelling why that is, because at this moment I do not feel I need to go up to random girls and talk to them.
I know you're all probably sick of hearing this stuff. I am an unbiased source, so I can't really tell yet if what I'm telling you is any different from the last post I made, however two things I do know is that you can only tell me based on what you have seen, and that I haven't been doing a very good job of expressing myself, or really being honest. I am here now to tell you some straight dope about Chris, and at the very least I know it is a chance for me to vent and reflect upon this myself later. However, I hope I know you guys well enough to know that there are hidden messages behind what I type that the wiser of you may pick up on, and I look forward to your wisdom.
I don't wanna read philosophy books. I'm taking philosophy next semester with a very passionate teacher, and I think I'll get enough exposure to it there. Maybe there is a time for it later in my life, but I have always gone with what I feel comfortable with, and now doing this reading isn't it. I have been given advice to do this, and i do value that advice, but there's certain thigns you just don't feel right about, you know? Let me just clarify on this point, that I follow my feelings on things of the non-physically-"threatening" world, which have turned out to be very good for me, making me various large sums of cash and building very large and successful online communities, as far as I have been exposed to them. Premenition, you could say, and when the time comes it acts up, it is what brought me here, out of what seems like very random events.
Up until now these gains have been material and done not much for me in the realm of how my actual experience goes. Finding pickup, seduction, inner-game and self-help warez (illegal downloads of all those kinds of products) was a major step into coming where I am today, but practically all those things made me more nervous and in my head, as I took no action on their content, and the self-help and inner-game things did nothing to boost my confidence.
People tell me I am very very funny, and an extrovert, and fun to be around when I'm in the mood, but that is rarely ever. I do not feel comfortable around other people. I think they are judging me, a realization I found out earlier tonight. Not only that, I believe they are the ultimate judge of me, and compare all my actions to their opinions, and what can possibly happen.
I am also afraid of them. I am afraid of I do not know what. Of them liking me, of them not liking me? What else is there really? I am a fat guy and people are naturally afraid of what's bigger then them, so I have never gotten into a fight, or maybe that is for other reasons, I am a very peacful guy and honestly do not know what I would do if a situation presented itself, though I have fantazed about it once, wanting to beat up the bullies in my 8th grade year, and must say, based on that and other similar more random fantasies, that I may have a lot of supressed anger.
Back to the point, that one-itis i had messaged me today the 1st day back and asked something about our report, and i remembered a horoscope that said treat certain interactions like a game, 3 strikes and you're out, do not go back to someone you have struck out with. So, I gave her a halfassed answer and delayed my response, which I learned through pickup products + personal experience causes tension. After a few txts (which normally i wouldn't do but I've got unlimited) i sent the last txt for a while, then txted her later asking what her topic was for her paper. Like a half hour later, I got a call. Unknown sender, I was absolutely ****ing frightened it was her, and cancelled the call. I still don't know why, but I rationalized it like my dad always told me not to pickup to unknown numbers, even though I've never followed that advice before. Like 10 minutes later, another call but this one hung itself up. And, maybe 1 hr later, a third call. All from unknown numbers, and all I was afraid to pickup because it might be her. Was it? i dunno. Does it matter? Maybe, I am at a turning point in life right now and I do not know how to best handle thiis personal specific situation right now. I know she's got a boyfriend that, like his mother, she really wants to change, hes a deadbeat "thug", and she has lost interest in the sex with him, all things she's told me but thats really all the things about her bf she's said to me, except like 1 story I can't remember and wasn't that interested in. Anyway, that's that, but I don't know how I feel about it right now.
I think the reason I hold other people's opinions so highly is that I disregard my own so much. Long before I came here or found these products, I knew something was wrong, and from somewhere, began to give myself basic advce on my actions and how I handled myself, but did not act on them. No self-respect. Let me take this random moment now to apologize for how choppy this post is. I am not really taking format into consideration, I understand that may be hard for some of you, but I am at a point where I need to take care of my needs first. Call me selfish if you will, but my life is mine to live~Ziggy Marley. Anyway, the weed has somewhat contributed to this, helping me forget things at times they could be useful, so I may continue to skip from point to point and back as I recall more and more of the subject matter. I only hope you're here to the end.
As I wrote in the long post I made reframing my interactions with my oneitis here: "http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=155162" I found its very easy to lose my uncomfortableness around people when the interaction is not the focus. When I focus on the interaction, something happens and I just tense up. When there is a 2nd purpose, or meaning, like a game to be played or homework to be done, or class to be sitting in, so I don't concentrate on what's coming out of my mouth, I am more myself. I read somewhere a spoton observation that when guys hang out they often are there to complete a task, like play a game/sports, or smoke weed, or work out, and I am like that to a tee, but not just with guys. I want to know how to translate this into normal interactions, possibly creating some sort of alternate thing to do, and the difference in what those things could be between men and women, if sexual chemistry could be the thing for women, and why at all I even need this other thing to concentrate on.
I have been feeling better and better almost with each passing day, and although I cannot tell you I am very far from where I was two weeks ago, because I do not know how one measures progress in this realm, I am finding myself feeling better and satisfied with life more and more of the time. This, I am sure, has at least in part to do with the material by Eckhart Tolle I have been listening to. Listening to him encourages me to develop presence, no-mind, a connection to god or being, however you would like to call it, in plain english, shutting up the pointlessness chatter of my mind. Doing this has given me a contrast, much like taking a literal vacation from your place of residence gives you a new perspective of where you come back to (as I am ironically experiencing now on the physical plane as well, having just come back from a weeklong trip to mexico), taking a break from all the words and fantasies of your mind gives you a new perspective on them.
I'm adding this line in halfway through writing mypost because I think it is important to say, this post is very jumpy. It shifts from point to point, so it may be a good idea to write down your thoughts as they come. Most replies follow the topic poster's thought stream somewhat, and this stream may not be the most coherent thing for your minds to respond to.
Every time I dream I fly around, and I installed a nice little switch that says, hey, im flying, this must be a dream, right? Oh, and when you bite your finger, it feels kinda numb and tingly, but other than that everythings very real looking for me.
There was one part right after I left my house, that the sky split into two red halves, one side with my parents and them saying i should come back to reality, and the other was just kinda there and a much more "creamy" red with nothing there, and so when they said that to me I wondered what's the other side, and said that's what I'm here to find out. ****, it's my dream. Sky, blue. And flew off, but then I started to do stupid **** in the dream I didn't really want to. Metaphor?
So anyway, I'm noticing my state getting much better, I am evolving. I do have yet to go and get real world experience, I am working on unravelling why that is, because at this moment I do not feel I need to go up to random girls and talk to them.
I know you're all probably sick of hearing this stuff. I am an unbiased source, so I can't really tell yet if what I'm telling you is any different from the last post I made, however two things I do know is that you can only tell me based on what you have seen, and that I haven't been doing a very good job of expressing myself, or really being honest. I am here now to tell you some straight dope about Chris, and at the very least I know it is a chance for me to vent and reflect upon this myself later. However, I hope I know you guys well enough to know that there are hidden messages behind what I type that the wiser of you may pick up on, and I look forward to your wisdom.
I don't wanna read philosophy books. I'm taking philosophy next semester with a very passionate teacher, and I think I'll get enough exposure to it there. Maybe there is a time for it later in my life, but I have always gone with what I feel comfortable with, and now doing this reading isn't it. I have been given advice to do this, and i do value that advice, but there's certain thigns you just don't feel right about, you know? Let me just clarify on this point, that I follow my feelings on things of the non-physically-"threatening" world, which have turned out to be very good for me, making me various large sums of cash and building very large and successful online communities, as far as I have been exposed to them. Premenition, you could say, and when the time comes it acts up, it is what brought me here, out of what seems like very random events.
Up until now these gains have been material and done not much for me in the realm of how my actual experience goes. Finding pickup, seduction, inner-game and self-help warez (illegal downloads of all those kinds of products) was a major step into coming where I am today, but practically all those things made me more nervous and in my head, as I took no action on their content, and the self-help and inner-game things did nothing to boost my confidence.
People tell me I am very very funny, and an extrovert, and fun to be around when I'm in the mood, but that is rarely ever. I do not feel comfortable around other people. I think they are judging me, a realization I found out earlier tonight. Not only that, I believe they are the ultimate judge of me, and compare all my actions to their opinions, and what can possibly happen.
I am also afraid of them. I am afraid of I do not know what. Of them liking me, of them not liking me? What else is there really? I am a fat guy and people are naturally afraid of what's bigger then them, so I have never gotten into a fight, or maybe that is for other reasons, I am a very peacful guy and honestly do not know what I would do if a situation presented itself, though I have fantazed about it once, wanting to beat up the bullies in my 8th grade year, and must say, based on that and other similar more random fantasies, that I may have a lot of supressed anger.
Back to the point, that one-itis i had messaged me today the 1st day back and asked something about our report, and i remembered a horoscope that said treat certain interactions like a game, 3 strikes and you're out, do not go back to someone you have struck out with. So, I gave her a halfassed answer and delayed my response, which I learned through pickup products + personal experience causes tension. After a few txts (which normally i wouldn't do but I've got unlimited) i sent the last txt for a while, then txted her later asking what her topic was for her paper. Like a half hour later, I got a call. Unknown sender, I was absolutely ****ing frightened it was her, and cancelled the call. I still don't know why, but I rationalized it like my dad always told me not to pickup to unknown numbers, even though I've never followed that advice before. Like 10 minutes later, another call but this one hung itself up. And, maybe 1 hr later, a third call. All from unknown numbers, and all I was afraid to pickup because it might be her. Was it? i dunno. Does it matter? Maybe, I am at a turning point in life right now and I do not know how to best handle thiis personal specific situation right now. I know she's got a boyfriend that, like his mother, she really wants to change, hes a deadbeat "thug", and she has lost interest in the sex with him, all things she's told me but thats really all the things about her bf she's said to me, except like 1 story I can't remember and wasn't that interested in. Anyway, that's that, but I don't know how I feel about it right now.
I think the reason I hold other people's opinions so highly is that I disregard my own so much. Long before I came here or found these products, I knew something was wrong, and from somewhere, began to give myself basic advce on my actions and how I handled myself, but did not act on them. No self-respect. Let me take this random moment now to apologize for how choppy this post is. I am not really taking format into consideration, I understand that may be hard for some of you, but I am at a point where I need to take care of my needs first. Call me selfish if you will, but my life is mine to live~Ziggy Marley. Anyway, the weed has somewhat contributed to this, helping me forget things at times they could be useful, so I may continue to skip from point to point and back as I recall more and more of the subject matter. I only hope you're here to the end.
As I wrote in the long post I made reframing my interactions with my oneitis here: "http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=155162" I found its very easy to lose my uncomfortableness around people when the interaction is not the focus. When I focus on the interaction, something happens and I just tense up. When there is a 2nd purpose, or meaning, like a game to be played or homework to be done, or class to be sitting in, so I don't concentrate on what's coming out of my mouth, I am more myself. I read somewhere a spoton observation that when guys hang out they often are there to complete a task, like play a game/sports, or smoke weed, or work out, and I am like that to a tee, but not just with guys. I want to know how to translate this into normal interactions, possibly creating some sort of alternate thing to do, and the difference in what those things could be between men and women, if sexual chemistry could be the thing for women, and why at all I even need this other thing to concentrate on.
I have been feeling better and better almost with each passing day, and although I cannot tell you I am very far from where I was two weeks ago, because I do not know how one measures progress in this realm, I am finding myself feeling better and satisfied with life more and more of the time. This, I am sure, has at least in part to do with the material by Eckhart Tolle I have been listening to. Listening to him encourages me to develop presence, no-mind, a connection to god or being, however you would like to call it, in plain english, shutting up the pointlessness chatter of my mind. Doing this has given me a contrast, much like taking a literal vacation from your place of residence gives you a new perspective of where you come back to (as I am ironically experiencing now on the physical plane as well, having just come back from a weeklong trip to mexico), taking a break from all the words and fantasies of your mind gives you a new perspective on them.