I'm not being fair: Double Standard

[ThereIsNoNumber2]

Firstly, I've been a lurker here for quite sometime and I only read the mature man forum. I want to thank a lot of guys here especially rollo, bible belt, zekko, jophil (RIP), colossus, joker, pook, 5string, danger, and a host of other guys for helping me not with only women, but life in general.

I just got into a LTR after trying the whole plate spinning thing (which I just can't seem to balance more than one woman especially if I like one more than the others). Things are in the honey moon phase and there are no problems.

I have a hypothetical question for future reference though. So I know a lot of guys have standards and rules when they get into a relationship. A major one seems to not allowing their woman to go out with a male "friend" and grab drinks. Now I've known this girl for awhile and I can't see myself getting angry for doing this, but then again it hasn't come up, and I think in the heat of the moment I would get jealous. My conundrum is I have some female friends that I would like to grab a drink once in awhile with and if I'm to get mad at her for doing the same thing, how can I have this double standard? Just let her do it and trust her or what...?

Thanks guys

 

[The Bat]

Call me old school but I don't think a true friendship can exist between a man and a woman. The main reason? Because once either party gets serious with a significant other, they usually end up "dissolving" the previously held friendship.

I don't know your situation and maybe your female friend is like a childhood friend or your distant cousin or something but if they are NOT, then honestly ask yourself if your female friend will hang out with you alone at a bar once she gets into a serious LTR with a guy...?

So I think you're approaching this issue from the wrong angle...it's not a matter of double standard....it's realizing that true platonic friendships between a man and a woman cannot exist therefore it is fruitless for you to try and cultivate your female friendship while trying to establish a "double-standard" rule about your gf not being able to hang out with her guy friend.

 

[SecondHalf]

If she's hot, he wants to boink her and she knows it!

If it isn't professional, then why is she out there?
The woman always gets something out of it. It's either admiration, a human microphone that she can speak into, an emotional tampon or some other such thing.

In the worse case, she's testing other waters.

SH

 

[ThereIsNoNumber2]

I have female friends too, but I never hang out with them one on one. If one of them wants to hang out, I mention to my gf that I'd like her to come along.

Inevitably my gf asks if I have had sex with said girl. I say no, not only because it is true, but also because I do not expect my gf and any previous ex's or fb's to get along or to hang out. In effect, that would be poison to our relationship.

Once that is through, then the gf will agree to come.

Now, this is the important part. If she isn't interested in coming, I won't go. Because I don't want to set the frame that it is ok to hang out with the opposite sex in a one-on-one situation without the other one there. That is just inviting trouble.

A lot of having a good relationship is predicting what will cause turbulance and setting boundaries for avoiding it.

That's a good point. I have one good female friend that I consider "one of the guys" and who use to date one of my best friends, and he also is close with her. The gf knows her and she knows her and I are tight. That's probably the only person who I could really go out with on one one. But there are other girls I know who I haven't hooked up with but do like and would like to go out with them. I like your idea of asking the gf if she wants to go with these unknown girls to her, and if she says no, then I'll back off. That's a precedent I don't want to lay down.

On a side note to bat: I really do think female to male friendship can exist if there is no attraction and the two people just like eachother's company, but that's just me.

 

[Down Low]

It used to be that married couples socialized with other married couples, and singles socialized with other singles. Nowadays, so many singles flaunt that they're "in relationships" that don't differ a whit from just plain being single. So they bring disaster upon themselves by trying to have their cake and eat it too.

 

[Colossus]

One of my best friends is a girl, so I have lots of experience with jealous girlfriends and double standards. I somewhat agree with Bat in that while a great hetero friendship can exist, the dynamic invariably changes when one or both persons get into a relationship.

I GUARANTEE you your girlfriend will get jealous if you go out for drinks with another girl. She may not express it immediately, but she will save it up in her bank of wrongdoings that all women keep on their men, and use it against you at a future date. You may think that sounds cynical, but it's the truth.

In my experience, female friends (ff) never fully approve of your gf either. At least the ones I've had. They always find some subtle way to undermine your relationship; whether it be by just not being overly friendly around the gf, or telling you she disapproves of something she does, or even making excuses not to meet her. UNLESS they themselves have a boyfriend.

Let me break it down simply for your reference:

You + gf + single ff = jealousy in both girls
You + gf + attached ff = no jealousy, but diminished friendship
You + attached ff = diminished friendship
You + ff = great friendship, until a relationship occurs

Regarding the double standard thing, you can do what you want, just keep in mind this is probably how it will play out. I've kept my ff's through multiple relationships, but the dynamic changes. Understandably. I mean how would you feel if your gf was going out for drinks once a week with her guy pals....almost everyone gets territorial at some point.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

There's a golden rule in relationships when it comes to double standards: Don't do it if you can't handle it being done to you.

Women aren't stupid. You go out with a female friend casually and often, the GF will keep that in mind the next time she's in class or at work and a male ask her to "just hang out" with him and his friends.

I've had my GF do that to me early in the relationship. I told her don't be upset if i ask some former booty calls to just "hang out". She hates that I point out double standards, but it's important. I'm not going to do what she feels is disrespectful in the relationship and in turn she'll do the same for me. It just won't work if lines are crossed.

It also really comes down to what's really more important: Your female friends? Or your GF?

If you can handle not hanging out with other females because your GF finds it disrespectful then do it. If you can't you need to tell her straight up what you're going to do.

 

[backbreaker]

One of my best friends is a girl, so I have lots of experience with jealous girlfriends and double standards. I somewhat agree with Bat in that while a great hetero friendship can exist, the dynamic invariably changes when one or both persons get into a relationship.

I GUARANTEE you your girlfriend will get jealous if you go out for drinks with another girl. She may not express it immediately, but she will save it up in her bank of wrongdoings that all women keep on their men, and use it against you at a future date. You may think that sounds cynical, but it's the truth.

In my experience, female friends (ff) never fully approve of your gf either. At least the ones I've had. They always find some subtle way to undermine your relationship; whether it be by just not being overly friendly around the gf, or telling you she disapproves of something she does, or even making excuses not to meet her. UNLESS they themselves have a boyfriend.

Let me break it down simply for your reference:

You + gf + single ff = jealousy in both girls
You + gf + attached ff = no jealousy, but diminished friendship
You + attached ff = diminished friendship
You + ff = great friendship, until a relationship occurs

Regarding the double standard thing, you can do what you want, just keep in mind this is probably how it will play out. I've kept my ff's through multiple relationships, but the dynamic changes. Understandably. I mean how would you feel if your gf was going out for drinks once a week with her guy pals....almost everyone gets territorial at some point.

i remember one day i was at an AA big book study with the female friend redhead i had a few years ago, and leaving the meeting i ran into a hottie i used to know and we chatted for like 5 mins otuside the door when everyone was leaving.

I was driving so the redhead was just sitting at my car.. now normally she's chatting with people too after the meeting but she's got her lip poked out half way around my car. mind you, i'm ****ing dating someone already (my now wife), i'm not trying to **** either of them. so I get to the car "don't make me tell your woman that you are creeping on her" ..s he said it in a way to be funny but you could tell she was kinda stung. she had accepted that i was in a relationship but any new girls, **** that **** lol. she wasn't having it.

then in the car I'm taking her home and she's like "why don't we ever go out anymore".. I'm like ***** we aren't dating lol. who the **** said i am obligated to take you anywhere. I mean i didn't tell her that but i was thinking ****.. this is a girlfriend withotu the sex lol. like my guy friends don't ever call me up and get pissy that i haven't called them in a (gasp) whole 2 ****ing weeks to take them out.

so i had some time and i was like **** it are you hungry let's go to this mexican spot and grab dinner. so now we are basically on a ****ing date. but we aren't ****ing.; so it's just a regular BETA male i'm not gonna get any date. but you know, she' s a good friend and i know what she has / is going through so i am willing to put up with a tad bit of ****, she's been there for me (seriously). so half way through the meal she asks me " sometimes i wonder where our relationship is going" and i'm thinking in my head okay this is it i'm done. i can't do this siht anymore. it's like she had made up this scenerio where my freaking GF didn't matter or wasnt' in the picture but this new braod, just raised all type of emotions out of my "friend"

so the next day i called her and told her look we need to cut it off. I dn't like where this is going, you are good people but i'm very happy with my GF. if you really need some help or someone to talk to you know the number but this friend stuff i dont' want to lead you on.

so then like a month later i hear from a girl at the same meeting who i was kinda cool with "yeah Amanda told me that you are a player and that you told her you were gonna leave your GF and you lead her on and you are full of ****"

yeah lol. friends. how many of us have them?

**** female friends. i'm out. see i have it figured out. there is no positive end game with female friends. It's not possible. at the end of the day, one of you are going to end up wanting to **** the other. maybe out of pent up lust, maybe out of necessity or lack of options. either you do **** and break up or you dont' **** and get pissy beucase you didn't ****. but there is no positive end game. there is no end game where both of you are kick ass friends happily ever after. IN her case my "great friend" got so pissed off and had to protect her ego so much to the point she turned on me for not returning her feelings.

 

[ThereIsNoNumber2]

Let me break it down simply for your reference:

You + gf + single ff = jealousy in both girls
You + gf + attached ff = no jealousy, but diminished friendship
You + attached ff = diminished friendship
You + ff = great friendship, until a relationship occurs

When I first read this I completely disagreed. Then I thought about it and it makes some sense. I do think every situation and the people involved in it are unique, but these guidelines seem like a good ballpark. I am already starting to see less of my ff (not on purpose, just have less time with a gf). Also I know that my ff is hooking up with someone and even if she wasn't I am 99% sure she wouldn't be jealous of me. I know she is jealous of my other male best friend who has a new GF because they use to date (and I can guarantee she would be way more jealous if she wasn't gettin fukked right now). I can see the friendship diminishing a little between her and I, but not that much.

I will have my cake and eat it too and keep my FF's and have an LTR, but I just need to learn how to balance it and not do things I don't want my gf to do. Like I said before I think every situation is unique and the past times/relationship/how long you've known the friend play a big part in how the friendship dynamic will be altered if either of you gets into a relationship.