I'm in a tricky situation - would appreciate some outside perspective

[SteR]

So I started seeing a girl while I was living in a different country. We were only together a few weeks but we seemed to click and everything was great for the time we were together. I've had to return to my home country temporarily but I'm frantically trying to sort out getting work back there so I can see her and see how things develop.

The problem is that I'm not really sure how to handle her while this is happening. I'm deliberately trying to control myself and prevent myself from falling too hard for her as I guess I don't want to get hurt. We haven't really discussed the future too much. All I said to her was that I was going to try and work in her country and we can see how things go - I also told her it's not all about her, that I want to give working in another country a shot and anything that happens between us is an extra. I think the truth is though that I am working there for her. If it didn't work out for whatever reason I'd probably move away again, but I don't want to give her that power over me. That's not to say I'm sacrificing my career in any way by doing this and I genuinely would like to work in another country, it's just that I've chosen her country because she's there.

I've also tried to keep messaging to a minimum while we're apart. I mean I'll message her every 2-3 days or so but I don't want her to feel swamped by me. Plus I'm aware of the fact that she was attracted to me in the first place because I didn't care that much and didn't shower her with attention like other guys. The problem is this has the potential to turn into an LTR so I don't want her to think I don't care.

I suppose I'm in an awkward spot where I'm second guessing myself. If I could just be with her in person then I could handle this fine but I'm trying to keep the attraction while I'm getting my affairs organised in another country and it's making me feel uneasy.

Truth be told, I really want this to work out. This girl has all the qualities I want in an LTR, I'm just afraid of a) scaring her off by giving her too much attention (this is a sore spot for me as it happened in the first disaster of a relationship that I had, which brought me to these forums) or b) doing the opposite and making her feel like I don't care.

Any thoughts?

 

[blind_one]

We were only together a few weeks

I'm frantically trying to sort out getting work back there so I can see her

I really want this to work out.

You care way too much and you are trying to get a job in a certain country to get closer to a chick. Well well well ....

Recipe for disaster

 

[SteR]

I do care, yes. While I've only been intimate with her for a few weeks, I've known her for several months but I was seeing someone else at the time.

I'm not changing my life plans for her. I can work anywhere I want in the world, so I lose nothing by working in her country...

 

[oOh Nasty]

Recipe for disaster

This.

Although you're a seasoned veteran of these forums, we do sometimes get put into situations that we think should never happen to us again.

I think in general, even though you say that:

I genuinely would like to work in another country

It's still a pretty bad idea because in your mind, this chick is the reason you're going there. If sh*t goes south with her, you're in for a lot of trouble.

One shouldn't make such a big move because of a specific woman. Would you have moved to this country if it weren't for her? If for some reason, you lose frame and she crushes you, will you be able to spring back up and start spinning plates again ASAP in this new country?

If you're that confident, at least you know the risks. There's a high probability you'll come running back home, defeated.

Once you've established yourself with your new job in a new place, start planning on how you can spring right back from a potential heartbreak so you won't feel as if you've wasted your time and everything was in vain. Keep some chicks at your job in mind as plates, and get really immersed in your career. That way, you can at least give off the impression that she doesn't "have power over you."

And never forget one of the main rules to keeping frame: you mustn't ever be afraid to lose the woman.

 

[SteR]

All valid points.

I should clarify that I'll only be working there for 2, maybe 3 months absolutely maximum. I have things I have to be back in my home country for after that, so I'll be using this period to test the waters and see how things go with her.

Ideally I wouldn't have to do something like this to see her but it's the only option I have. She can't afford to work over here so that's not an option. So either I call it off completely or I go over there and give it a shot - what else can I do? And since I like everything I've seen of her so far, I feel I have to at least try.

Believe me, I'm well aware that if things go south with her then I'm out there alone, but that's the risk I take. I'm thinking very clearly about this with my head here.. Like you said, I've been on these boards a while and I'm aware of the possibilities. I accept that I could lose her and I'm okay with that.

 

[oOh Nasty]

Do remember that women are very keen on picking up on what's really going on with you. If she smells even a whiff of betaness, it might compromise your frame. While you tell her that everything between you and her is just "extra," keep in mind that she's an expert on spotting incongruency between your words and actions. She'll be able to read you through your body language, tone of voice, reactions, etc.

Make sure to give priority to establishing more goals, interests, thoughts, and so forth, to things independent of her.

Best of luck.

 

[SteR]

Just to give you guys a quick update: It all fell through

Fortunately I was working for my own clients, so I just flew back the next day, albeit defeated.

I think the real problem was that I was the one risking everything, and she had very little to lose. About 2 weeks into me being there she mentioned she wasn't planning on staying in her country for more than a few months. I questioned her more about what she meant by that, and the message I received was that exploring our relationship wasn't her number one priority (clearly it was for me as I'd moved to be with her).

I told her it's not going to work if our priorities aren't aligned, so now I've returned home. On a more positive note I'm proud that I walked away when I felt my needs weren't being met.

I'm not going to lie: It ****ing hurts. I thought I'd found a good one here. Faced with the same decision again, I'd still have done the same thing, so absolutely no regrets. She did try getting in touch with me again when I arrived home and we had a long talk where we talked about it all openly. I ended it by stating I still felt for her, but if she wanted anything to happen then she'd have to come to me this time.

The only thing now is getting over it and figuring out what to do next, as my plans have all fallen apart...

 

[Prime_Beef]

Eh,
There's always another bus leaving the station.

You'll know it's right when the woman makes it easier for you. Easier to be with her, easier on you. Women are smart too, they cut through men's BS and watch what you do lore than say. If she wanted to be with you bad that stuff about frame, priorities meant nothing to her she'd let it be known and make it easy. Long distance relationships really aren't, Prime_Beef maxim: if you're not doing her, who is?