I'm full of doublestandards and what should I do

[ApparentlyFromMars]

A little pre-note: I'm a very extrovert person but at the same I'm very introvert, what I mean is that there is just about nothing I cannot tell just about ANYONE without problem EXCEPT feelings! Noone can ever tell my feelings and I do not disclose them except to my very best and closest friends that know that I love them...

I'm a very apathic person, I do seldom feel, especially for girls...

Now I've been seeing this girl for about a month maybe (NOT exclusivly). The thing is she came out of a LTR for several years and then jumped straight to me (This girl has "never" been single so to speak). We said we didn't want any commitments and not sure if we wanted anything serious... In these weeks I have hooked up with several other girls, made out, some sex, phonenrs etc but I have not told her of any of these (Doh I won't either).

Lately she has been saying that she feels that I don't care at all and that I'm not showing any emotions. Doh no ofcourse I don't because I don't actually have any great feelings except I care for her like any other person I know but I still like to see how it goes. She has numerous times said she has feelings for me (She is just not sure how strong and what kind. She said she also needed to find out if it's more than the sexual attraction and good sex. Saying how hot and good (sexually and in handling women) I am all the time blahblah).

Now here comes the stupid part that I need to work on. You see as I said I've hooked up with numerous girls meanwhile and I did not flinch ONCE, it didn't make me reconsider, feel any different or anything. It was just like, oh this is completely natural... And here comes the doublestandards. We both were at a party this friday and we both got hammered and she for 2 seconds kissed some dude that is her neighbour (Lame, okay looking dude). You know that made me friggin irritated... It actually made me angry. Not because I have anything against her kissing other guys but because I cannot see the REASON for it. I cannot see the LOGIC behind it, why would she kiss someone else when she could kiss me. I was standing in the hall and she knew I would see it.

Now I did a stupid thing in that I just said "ye sure have fun, this is ended" but then later I was like "I don't care" then I was back to "That actually did affect me" and then I was "I don't care" again... She even told me two things about the kiss when I confronted her:
"I did it to see how you'd react because you are so cold"
"It just felt like the natural thing todo"
And like I saw her yesterday and today and she is still all over me. When we lay on bed watching TV she is caressing me, holding me, kissing me, telling me how great I am blahblahblah. It's friggin strange.

I don't see the logic behind it all (I'm a very logical being but also very ambivalent, born Gemini).

There is no one-itis going on here, I could drop her instantly and I wouldn't rethink it. I can kiss, have sex or whatever with other girls without flinching but the second she kissed someone like that for 2 seconds it angers me? This cannot be sane.

Why am I reacting? Is it because I cannot see the logic? Is it because I cannot see why she would kiss him? It feels like a controlfreak issue almost And I'm STILL trying to understand why she kissed him. I have the distinct feeling it all was to check my reaction...

I thought i'd reconfront her tomorrow night when I'm probably at her place saying that I did actually react and that I do not understand her logic behind it. I'm not sure, how would anyone else handle this?

Oh and btw it is 100% sure that this girl is HIGHLY into me so don't come with any "loss of attraction" stuff because that I know is not true. I can get her horny just by looking at her, and get her off with her clothes on, best sex she ever had.

 

[Julian]

Its called jealousy.

Dont worry everyone experiences it.

 

[SexPDX]

Originally posted by ApparentlyFromMars

I'm a very apathic person, I do seldom feel, especially for girls...

I don't believe this about you just by virtue of the fact that you are here of all places. How does a guy who "seldom feels, especially for girls" end up on a message board like this?

It has always seemed to me that when guys initially get into this whole DJ thing they aspire to be some kind of cold, mechanical automaton of a person who just doesn't care about anything. No matter what happened to you in the past nothing good comes from that mentality.

Originally posted by ApparentlyFromMars

Lately she has been saying that she feels that I don't care at all and that I'm not showing any emotions.

What happens is that women need some reassurance from you that you like them, are into them, and that they are special. Continuing to have sex with her is not going to be enough because even if she's into you she'll think that as far as you are concerned she may as well be anyone.

When women don't get the reassurance they need from you (in whatever form it may take) they become insecure (especially if they are particularly insecure to begin with). Showing affection to other guys in a situation where they know you will see it is a common way of acting out. When she sees that it makes you angry and jealous that acts as a substitute for the reassurance she is not getting from you.

I am not saying you necessarily need to be her BF or anything like that but you have to make the woman feel special. I know a lot of you will think that sounds like AFC sh1t....but it's DJ sh1t. Trust me.

Women don't like to play without a contract. On some level you have to examine what's in it for her to continue to be with you because she is ALWAYS examining that (consciously or not).

As for this whole bit about how you are such hot sh1t that it's not "logical" that she could be interested in anyone else....arguably not a bad belief to have about yourself but you have to back it up on some level or else it's just empty self-aggrandisement.

Originally posted by ApparentlyFromMars

It actually made me angry. Not because I have anything against her kissing other guys but because I cannot see the REASON for it.

I don't see the "REASON" for half the sh1t that goes on in the world...but I don't get ANGRY because of it. Anger comes from a threat to your sense of self or your world view. For better or worse, part of your identity is invested in how this woman (or maybe women in general) precieve you. If you are trying this hard to conceal that from us, I can only imagine how hard you must be trying to do that with her.

The dynamics you two have going are pretty clear cut and I know that because I have been in similar situations. Clearly she is a little bit insecure and you have to understand that if you are going to continue being involved with her on any level. There are likely to be these times when she acts out like this.

Originally posted by ApparentlyFromMars
I thought i'd reconfront her tomorrow night when I'm probably at her place saying that I did actually react and that I do not understand her logic behind it.

You're just going to call more attention to it and look weak in the process. I understand that you didn't create this and that she was the one acting out in the first place but you need to stick to YOUR stuff rather than getting into her games.

What I am trying to say is....you have her NOT WANTING to kiss that other dude at the party. Like...have it NOT EVEN OCCUR TO HER. Get better at making her feel good while she is with you and don't forget to manage her expectations in case she falls completely in love with you.

-PDX

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

First of all, she disrespected you! By the mere fact that it was an intentional in your face attitude and knowing that you would take the shyt and grin. If I'm seeing a girl, even if not exclusive and she tried that shyt in front of me I would have never said a word to her again!!! Bye ho!!!! Did others know that you two were seeing each other? If they saw her kissing another dude and you just stood there this makes you look like a wuss - a disrespected one at that!

This is a no class ho and a dangerous chick!! There are other ways to get your point across besides making a public mockery of you! It is called communication!

By kissing dude, she was telling you, "if you don't give me attention, then I"m going to show you that other guys want me!" Partly she did it to get u jealous, since u said u r somewhat emotionless, and yes she was obviously trying to get a reaction, but I think she mainly was telling you that "others guys want me and you don't, start giving me some affection and attention that I want from you".

Nonetheless, her methods of conveying this message to you was crude and classless, and above all disrespectful to you as a man!! This girl is unrefined and lacking tact - it is basically how much dignity a guy is willing to sacrifice to get between her legs. Whatever you do, keep your manhood in a dignified state, above all else!!!!

 

[Genghis Juan]

This girl is insecure and needy. She played a jealously game on you to try to make you mad. If she plays these kind of games within the first month of interacting with her, imagine all the mind games she will be playing if you guys actually became exclusive. Tell her she should grow up and act her age not her shoe size. I personally, would just dump her and walk in the other direction without looking back. Women who play these games aren't worth the trouble, drama and stress they put on you.

 

[ApparentlyFromMars]

Originally posted by Julian
Its called jealousy.

Dont worry everyone experiences it.

But I am not jealous of this guy

 

[ApparentlyFromMars]

Re: Re: I'm full of doublestandards and what should I do

Originally posted by SexPDX
I don't believe this about you just by virtue of the fact that you are here of all places. How does a guy who "seldom feels, especially for girls" end up on a message board like this?

It has always seemed to me that when guys initially get into this whole DJ thing they aspire to be some kind of cold, mechanical automaton of a person who just doesn't care about anything. No matter what happened to you in the past nothing good comes from that mentality.

Oh I was maybe abit unclear. This apathic behavior is something that has gone on for YEARS. I think it's a natural defense for alot of crap I had to go through in my youthdays (We are talking very high mental harrasment and **** here). It goes for ANYTHING. The only things that can make me empathic or sad is related to family, close friends or movies...

What happens is that women need some reassurance from you that you like them, are into them, and that they are special. Continuing to have sex with her is not going to be enough because even if she's into you she'll think that as far as you are concerned she may as well be anyone.

Yes but I think my ways when I'm with her should make her understand this...

When women don't get the reassurance they need from you (in whatever form it may take) they become insecure (especially if they are particularly insecure to begin with). Showing affection to other guys in a situation where they know you will see it is a common way of acting out. When she sees that it makes you angry and jealous that acts as a substitute for the reassurance she is not getting from you.

But this again makes me understand that my ways with her have been kind of careless... Whenever she has said something about her feelings or whatever and asked for or hinted for a similar reply I have ALWAYS either joked it away or whatever. She has never ever gotten an open answer on my feelings. I also know she is very insecure because she can be like "You are so good and handsom and great etcetc". If I even say something like "Oh you are so cute today" she'll be "Noo, I'm only okay". She REALLY does not see herself as beautiful or pretty or cute or ANYTHING.

I am not saying you necessarily need to be her BF or anything like that but you have to make the woman feel special. I know a lot of you will think that sounds like AFC sh1t....but it's DJ sh1t. Trust me.

Yea I know I should... What is abit idiotic with this whole thing is that some days before this we were talking because of her feelings and how she does not know what she wants etc because she has never been single blahblah. She also then says "I want you to know that when I'm with you etc you're the only one on my mind, I have no wish for anyone else" and I said something like "When I'm with you I only think of you too"... I think that's about anything I have ever given her interms of anything caring (Except that she is cute, nice, good etc).

Women don't like to play without a contract. On some level you have to examine what's in it for her to continue to be with you because she is ALWAYS examining that (consciously or not).

So I've noticed. Maybe I should try to pinch the emotional sides of her abit.

As for this whole bit about how you are such hot sh1t that it's not "logical" that she could be interested in anyone else....arguably not a bad belief to have about yourself but you have to back it up on some level or else it's just empty self-aggrandisement.

Yes I guess so, but it's still highly illogical for me

I don't see the "REASON" for half the sh1t that goes on in the world...but I don't get ANGRY because of it. Anger comes from a threat to your sense of self or your world view. For better or worse, part of your identity is invested in how this woman (or maybe women in general) precieve you. If you are trying this hard to conceal that from us, I can only imagine how hard you must be trying to do that with her.

Yes this is true. Inn one way I'm maybe the most confident guy in the world knowing I'm better looking, more intelligent and more blahblah than most other people but at the same time just one single negative comment can make me rethink.

The dynamics you two have going are pretty clear cut and I know that because I have been in similar situations. Clearly she is a little bit insecure and you have to understand that if you are going to continue being involved with her on any level. There are likely to be these times when she acts out like this.

yes I've been in a 99% identical situation before and it ended because I was not showing her that I actually wanted her... This might be the case here too, especially since I will often kid with her about going to see other girls or **** if "that's okay with her" and she's always like "yes that's your choice" and I'll go "Ok cool" and she'll grab me, look sad and say "nooo".... She gives these kind of tests all the time. Sometimes she'll say something and I'll just laugh and say "Ok I'll just go out do something" and she'll be "Ok cya" and the second I even try walking out of the bed (dressed or whatnot) she grabs me and pulls me straight back.

You're just going to call more attention to it and look weak in the process. I understand that you didn't create this and that she was the one acting out in the first place but you need to stick to YOUR stuff rather than getting into her games.

What I am trying to say is....you have her NOT WANTING to kiss that other dude at the party. Like...have it NOT EVEN OCCUR TO HER. Get better at making her feel good while she is with you and don't forget to manage her expectations in case she falls completely in love with you.

-PDX

Yepp I'll just give a fvck in the confrontation and I'll make our evenings together special so she knows she actually is or whatever

Thank you for your thorough disection, it's most appreciated!

 

[ApparentlyFromMars]

Originally posted by Genghis Juan
This girl is insecure and needy. She played a jealously game on you to try to make you mad. If she plays these kind of games within the first month of interacting with her, imagine all the mind games she will be playing if you guys actually became exclusive. Tell her she should grow up and act her age not her shoe size. I personally, would just dump her and walk in the other direction without looking back. Women who play these games aren't worth the trouble, drama and stress they put on you.

Well this is the only time she has ever gotten me to react... Everytime else I've handled **** like that easy, and I actually find them fun and refreshing!

I could have handled this one better but the ambivalence really put her of.

 

[ApparentlyFromMars]

This will be interesting to see Caring more but at the same time caring less

 

[NewMan]

What is the problem here?

Obviously you don't care about this girl - or at least you want to believe you don't care about this girl.

Whether you believe it or not, you reacted like that when she kissed the other girl, because you were jealous.

You see, even though you say you don't care - you do - you've got some ownership over this girl and seeing her kiss another guy when (your quote) she could have kissed you has got to you. It's natural for that to happen - in fact I would say it's very much unnatural for you not to be slightly jealous over it.

I think your reading to much into things - your doing fine, just stop over analyising everything.

 

[ApparentlyFromMars]

Ye another thing that makes no sense/logic with this girl is... At the same time she is saying that she doesn't think she wants anything serious and says stuff like "I think you are more ready for something serious/more" she keeps wanting me to show more emotion and ****? WTF kind of logic is that ?

This is both fun and confusing, great learning experience I guess in chicklogic