I'm back & really need support overcoming heartbreak

[Jariel]

I'm not sure if any of my old SS mates are still here these days or if anyone remembers me, but I'm an old time user who owes a lot of my personal development to this forum.

Ok, so why am I here? Long story short, I fell madly in love with a woman 2 years ago. I let my guard down and we both went into it with all our hearts. It was incredible, intense, passionate, emotional, like a blissful fairytale. We connected on every level and had so many amazing times. She told me she saw me as her future and we planned to get married and settle down together one day. I honestly thought this was it, that Jariel was going to hang up his seduction boots and finally settle down and raise a family.

She is a divorcee and has kids, but I bonded with them like I never expected and they adore me! I know what you're going to say and I've learned a hard lesson here...don't get involved with a woman with baggage!

We had a rocky patch earlier in the year and broke up due to a lot of stress going on in her life - losing her home in the divorce, but she couldn't bare to be without me, cried the entire time we were apart and begged for me back. We got back together and worked through her issues together. I supported her so much, was there for her, was understanding and we promised to work together towards our own future.

All was amazing again and she couldn't express enough how much she loved me. Until 3 weeks ago, when she stopped saying it and stopped wanting to see me. She turned rather cold with me, but I knew this was the week of her final court date to finalise the divorce finances. I knew she was stressed out so gave her the benefit of the doubt and cooled off a bit.

Once the case was over, I tried getting in touch to find out how it had gone. She was ice cold with me and said she needed some space as there was still a lot to deal with. For the past weeks I'd been seeing a cold side of her that was out of character. She had started taking antidepressants a couple of weeks before to deal with the court case, so I wonder if this has any influence on her behaviour.

Anyway, I reacted badly to her coldness and was cold back, suggesting we just move on. I got no reply, but decided to go no contact.

Then I got a hunch and checked the dating site where we had originally met. It felt like my heart had been ripped out when I saw her profile was active on there!! I can't describe my pain. Not only that, but she had uploaded a photo of her on our special holiday in a meaningful place with her kissing my camera. It's the most hurtful thing anyone has done to me!!

I confronted her and we had an argument. She used the excuse she'd just activated her profile for a laugh with friends and threw in my face that I'd finished with her and that she couldn't deal with my mood swings. She told me to never contact her again!

I responded, telling her how ungrateful she was and got into a bit of the dumb emotional texting (stupid I know), then today she text me to say she's told the kids I won't be around any more and told me again to never contact her again.

On one hand, it seems like retaliation and she put her profile up for a reaction, knowing I'd check and see that photo. On the other hand, it could be that she was intending to go looking for other guys when her divorce was over and just keep me in the background as a safety net.

I keep thinking it's her antidepressants as she's like a different person and so cold and cruel! But then am I just making excuses for someone who is just a manipulative and deceitful b!tch?

Either way, I'm absolutely devastated. I'm a broken man. This is a woman I trusted 100% and gave everything to, and she has stabbed me in the back. This is the sort of experience that leaves a person with deep emotional scars and leaves them bitter and resentful.

So here I am, reaching out to you guys for support. I'm not asking how to win her back, because I'm not interested in ever seeing her again. I just want to get my life back, get my emotions in check and move on with my life. But right now I feel such misery and heartache.



EDIT: One major thing I left out. I said she was cold with me, well she originally asked for space while she dealt with the court case and the aftermath. She was very cold and had been for a while, and I interpreted her asking for space as good as a break up. It was at this point I suggested moving on.

When we were arguing, she accused me of finishing with her and said I therefore had no right to criticize her for being on a dating site. Perhaps this would explain some of her reactionary behaviour....alongside the anti-depressants, stress of divorce, mental issues and everything else.

 

[Speculator E]

I remember you and this is not the first time you made a thread like this.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=207805

Read. This is exactly the reason why I posted that thread.

 

[disgustipated]

Isnt it funny how they can turn so easily and visciously. And even use their children as tools of destruction. This is supposed to be the nurturing gender. Keep ya head up. Your head is in a fog right now, clarity is around the corner.

 

[Desdinova]

You're exactly where I was 2 weeks before Christmas. I went down the whole "love" path myself. It's really a great feeling when you're in that state. The elevated positive emotions give a real high. However, I always kept it in the back of my mind that it likely wouldn't last forever, and it didn't. When that high is taken away from you, you suffer one hell of a withdrawl. Love really is a drug.

She is a divorcee and has kids, but I bonded with them like I never expected and they adore me! I know what you're going to say and I've learned a hard lesson here...don't get involved with a woman with baggage!

I think it really depends on the baggage and how it compares to your life. Personally, the way I feel is if you don't have any kids, then you shouldn't get involved with a woman who has them. Things in the relationship will usually be stacked unevenly if one person is a parent and the other isn't. I personally have one child and don't have any problem dating a woman who has one child, but one is the limit. When I didn't have any kids, single mothers were off limits. I think it's only fair to find a woman who's on the same level as you with regards to her "baggage".

Then I got a hunch and checked the dating site where we had originally met. It felt like my heart had been ripped out when I saw her profile was active on there!!

I've learned one thing about dating women on these sites... They become addicted to them. They may be dating you, but they can go back to finding a new man and getting attention by the click of the mouse. Once a woman hits a dating site, she's contaminated.

I'm not asking how to win her back, because I'm not interested in ever seeing her again. I just want to get my life back, get my emotions in check and move on with my life.

And here lies the benefit of being a long-time member of sosuave... You KNOW that you'll eventually get back on your feet. You KNOW that the heartache doesn't last forever. You KNOW that you'll be able to eventually find another woman. The part that stinks is dealing with the immediate loss. Your perception of time is all fvcked up because you likely had patterns in your schedule. Now you need to fill it with other stuff, and you have no clue what to fill it with.

What I did immediately after I suffered my heartbreak in December is I started to go back out into the bars and meet new people. I ended up with two new social circles, and it quickly filled in the nights that I used to see my ex. Instead of spending time with her, you're now spending time with new friends. The best part about creating new social circles is that you'll eventually be able to use them to meet new women.

Another thing I did was go through a wardrobe change. I've been revamping my look and my wardrobe since the breakup. I've got some really nice clothes that have altered my appearance.

You need to do stuff that gives your subconscious the message that you're moving on from that woman. You do that by making some drastic changes in your life that will eventually become part of your daily life. When you change all the stuff that was familiar while you were with your ex, you have less that reminds you of her and less that brings back those emotions and memories.

Welcome back to Sosuave, and I wish you well on your recovery. Eventually you'll get back to where you were before. I'm currently spinning two plates myself, and they're both crazy about me. I've got lots of other women who are interested in me, and my life has been going very well.

And what about my ex from December?? She hasn't had a full time bf since she ended the relationship and has turned into an overweight, depressed alcoholic. Do I want her back now? HELL NO.

 

[floydb25]

Why would she take anti-depressants 2 weeks ahead of the divorce? Anti-depressants are for people with clinical depression, anxiety disorders, etc. They mess with all your "systems", and hit you pretty hard when you first get into them. They also don't become effective until a few weeks after you start taking them, so all she got was the side effects and crazy mood changes. They definitely make you feel out of place until your body adjusts to them. But taking them temporarily during "rough times" is a poor idea, because the withdrawal once you stop taking them is horrible.

Definitely not child's play, or seasonal cures.

Otherwise, sounds like pretty standard stuff. She lost interest somewhere along the line - then decided to make you the scapegoat for her issues. But she had them all along... as you say, this happened before.

Had a similar situation with an ex best friend of 6-8 years. Just suddenly went cold, decided I was no longer relevant or important, treated me like trash, etc. But he was a jerk / bully, and a competitive, two-faced faggot all along. Likewise with some of the bishes who pulled similar ****. They all had issues BEFORE **** got real messy.

Of course, the more you give and care - the more they seem to resent you, and want to see you suffer, once they turn on you (and they will). Probably because you're the closest, most vulnerable, and make the easiest target.

So definitely, a big lesson learned. Don't trust or give your heart out so easily, and watch for baggage and issues. They eventually get dumped onto you - in whichever manner they deal with them. These are usually repeated patterns, as well - because the problem is THEM.

This definitely doesn't sound like the nicest girl - quite unstable, actually - but that's what happens when you rush in blindly, and just keep giving and supporting and loving - as they're going through all this chaos and acting like lunatics. Bad news.

 

[speed dawg]

Welcome back to Sosuave, and I wish you well on your recovery. Eventually you'll get back to where you were before.

I think this needs to examined more often, with less ego and more constructive criticism. Lately it seems like many of the 'older' posters are going against many of the hard rules of which this forum was started on, so to me it seems logical that many posters here really aren't where they THINK they are in regards to being a true DJ. I see a lot of frustration, then when others try to help, they get hit with a wall of pride/ego.

Just my opinion. Where many of these guys were before, may not be such an admirable place. Doesn't sound to me like Jariel made a single good move with this woman. What's worse, is that it seems she was VERY compatible with him but due to him not internalizing Game, he lost out on a good fit for his life. Hard truth to face right there.

 

[cordoncordon]

It's really hard for us to comment specifically on what happened because much of the background to the relationship was left out, which is fine. To me though, she sounds pretty unstable. You mentioned being broken up earlier this year, and going through a rough patch. And then she just did it again 3 weeks ago. A woman who is deeply in love with you is not going to do that. Add in having to be on the anti depressant drugs and to me this all adds up to someone you are better off without, no matter how much you care for her and her kids. It goes back to what I always say, find people to spend time with that appreciate you. That respect you. Life is too short and time and energy too valuable to waste spending it on people who could give a fawk about you.

I won't lie, you are going to go through a difficult stage here. That feeling of betrayal, emptiness, being alone when for so long you had her to count on and be with. I know for me I always get a very heavy, very empty feeling right in my stomach/gut when I break up with someone I really care about. Kind of like butterflies in my stomach that weight 100 pounds. But that and the sadness and emptiness will fade over time. The fog will lift. And soon you will meet someone much more compatible and who respects and loves you. I know it seems so far off, but it really isn't. I met my fiance a week after a break up of a 5 year relationship. Where I was just like you. And ever since I have never looked back and it is by far the greatest thing that ever happened to me.


In the meantime, what I would do is this, in no particular order:

Lean of family and friends to talk to. And talk to them when you really have to about it. But don't get into the habit of it. People going through these things tend to want to talk and rationalize and analyze it to death. That just prevents you from getting over it because its always on your mind. Start getting into the habit of when you start to think about her? Change your train of thought right away and think of something else. Turn on the TV, play a video game, workout. Whatever to keep your mind off of her.

I really recommend working out, and by working out I mean lifting. Not only will your body increase its testosterone levels and other chemicals in the brain that will make you feel better, but it provides an hour or two every day where you are not fixating on her. Plus, when you start to see how good your body is starting to look? It is going to start to restore your confidence, increase your ego levels, and give you the where with all to start feeling good enough to date again.

In edit, now that I think about it, were you not the guy that used to be kinda heavy but then you started working out and lifting and you posted some pics of yourself? As I recall, you are a very good looking guy and in great shape. As in you had a model type of aesthetics. IF this is you, are you still that way? And if you are, trust me you have nothing to worry about lol. You are going to be swimming in new puss in no time.

Keep us posted and best of luck. I can promise you that in a few months, to at most a year, you are going to write in this thread about how good you feel and that this was the best thing that ever happened to you!

 

[betheman]

Isnt it funny how they can turn so easily and visciously. And even use their children as tools of destruction. This is supposed to be the nurturing gender. Keep ya head up. Your head is in a fog right now, clarity is around the corner.

absolutely! they can all turn, its a foolish man who becomes complacent and loses his vigilance.
Just out of interest Jariel, looking back over the relationship, would you say you turned into the white knight most men in LTRS become? can you identify any areas of regret in terms of losing your SS principles? I suspect you can and have

 

[Scormus]

In the poker game of life, women are the rake. God this makes me angry and a little upset reading it as if it sums up all the many little bad experiences I have had myself.

 

[Jariel]

Wow, thank you guys! You've really come through for me with your replies and I'm already remembering why this forum was so valuable in my development.

I'll pick out some select points to respond to, but want you to know I read and appreciated all the posts here. I know what I have to do and for the first time since it happened, I feel optimistic.

I went down the whole "love" path myself. It's really a great feeling when you're in that state. The elevated positive emotions give a real high. However, I always kept it in the back of my mind that it likely wouldn't last forever, and it didn't. When that high is taken away from you, you suffer one hell of a withdrawl. Love really is a drug.

Damn right! It's hard for anyone to appreciate unless they've been there, but it is definitely like a drug. Sometimes when she'd turn cold, I got withdrawals and craved her affection and it becomes a cycle just like an addiction.

Perceiving it this way is very helpful because I need to treat it the same way I gave up smoking...cold turkey, no going back, not even for one drag.

And here lies the benefit of being a long-time member of sosuave... You KNOW that you'll eventually get back on your feet. You KNOW that the heartache doesn't last forever. You KNOW that you'll be able to eventually find another woman.

Again, spot on! This is why I know I must move on and not attempt to win her back. I know that I must put my rational mind in control. Although my heart is screaming out for her, my head tells me I need to be free and it will all turn out best. I know it's true because I've had many of these experiences before and come out of it well.

It's hard to see amid that fog of emotion, but I know it's true.

You do that by making some drastic changes in your life that will eventually become part of your daily life. When you change all the stuff that was familiar while you were with your ex, you have less that reminds you of her and less that brings back those emotions and memories.

Well I'm moving house this week, so that will be a big change of routine. I'm also starting up a business at the moment, which is something I feel very excited about and will require a lot of energy.

Thank you Desdinova for such an insightful post. It really helps hearing from someone who has been through it.

Why would she take anti-depressants 2 weeks ahead of the divorce?

She takes them for anxiety once in a while. She's one of these people who flies into a state of intense stress over everything. I've seen her take them before and she was like a zombie.

This definitely doesn't sound like the nicest girl - quite unstable, actually - but that's what happens when you rush in blindly, and just keep giving and supporting and loving - as they're going through all this chaos and acting like lunatics. Bad news.

And yet this could be the very reason I got so infatuated. Without intention, she kept the relationship unpredictable and as I said above, kept pushing me away and pulling me back. The rollercoaster (to use a bad cliche) is such an addiction.

Unfortunately, I did not do the same. I was predictable, sensitive and pandered to her needs. I must've become very boring for her.

Doesn't sound to me like Jariel made a single good move with this woman. What's worse, is that it seems she was VERY compatible with him but due to him not internalizing Game, he lost out on a good fit for his life. Hard truth to face right there.

You're spot on. Like I said above, I got too predictable and I dropped my game. I didn't think I needed to think that way any more since we were in a "stable" relationship. In fact, I've become so soft and sensitive, I barely recognise myself compared to how I was before and in the first months of the relationship.

That feeling of betrayal, emptiness, being alone when for so long you had her to count on and be with. I know for me I always get a very heavy, very empty feeling right in my stomach/gut...

Again, this is exactly it! It really does help to know that people know what I'm going through and can reassure me that it does all fade.

In edit, now that I think about it, were you not the guy that used to be kinda heavy but then you started working out and lifting and you posted some pics of yourself? As I recall, you are a very good looking guy and in great shape. As in you had a model type of aesthetics. IF this is you, are you still that way? And if you are, trust me you have nothing to worry about lol. You are going to be swimming in new puss in no time.

Yeah that sounds like me. I transformed my physique and consider myself a bit of an ugly duckling tale. Thankfully, I'm still in good shape and looking good. A bit older and more rugged now, but I'm still getting women as young as 18 throwing themselves at me, so I do feel very fortunate to have good prospects and a lot of fun times ahead of me. I just need to get emotions in check and my head back in the game.

Thank you for the supportive post mate. I'm actually putting more effort into the gym again now and using this pain to fuel my workouts.

Just out of interest Jariel, looking back over the relationship, would you say you turned into the white knight most men in LTRS become? can you identify any areas of regret in terms of losing your SS principles? I suspect you can and have

YES! Absolutely. I fell into a lot of traps we are always warned to avoid and I did try to become her white knight helping her with all her issues. After our first break up, I also fell into a trap of trying to prove myself to her, feeling like I was on trial. I was scared to argue with her in case she dumped me again and there were times I backed down too easily. It sickens me now that I see it.

You're off to a good start - you've itemized a bunch of flaws and you can come back and read over them as a reminder whenever you're feeling down about it. No matter how "low quality" a woman looks on paper to others, if you spend time with anyone you're going to miss them once the no contact begins. Just come here, read over your post. Things like kids, antidepressants, erratic behavior, the dating site....these are all things to avoid in the future.

Thanks man. You're right and I've started making lists of my own now, rational reasons for our relationship being unfeasible and why it's best for me to move forward.

I now feel like I'm thinking more rationally. I'm sure to have moments where I drop into anguish and paranoia and so on, but I'm hoping my mind is now strong enough to keep me on the right path forward.



Thanks again everyone! It's great to be back!!

 

[cordoncordon]

Aha so it was you! Guys Jariel has nothing to worry about. I remember his pics from the health and fitness forum. This guy has a body and facial aesthetics from what I remember that are better than 95% of the population.

He is going to be just fine.

 

[backbreaker]

The anti depressants amake is getting drastically overlooked I am on trazadoneand from the 2nd week until around the 4th I was a mess really irritable fighting and really compulsive wiFe and I got into some silly and fights

I mean move on but the meds played a big role here

Go to the strip club and start cold approaching

 

[Bible_Belt]

(I was thinking the same thing about the pills.)

And, to Jariel, some people are just more passionate in regard to how they experience life. It is both good and bad. The highs are higher, but the lows are lower, too. And by passionate, I certainly don't mean pvssy. Fighters are passionate people by nature. Many times, I have seen two of them beat the crap of each other during a fight, then hug and cry afterward, spend the rest of the night buying each other beers, and then become best friends for life.

My facebook page is full of mma fighters, and every time I look at the news feed, there's relationship drama from some of them. They're in love and it's the best thing in the world. The next week they are broken up and devastated. The guys who can beat up other guys keep getting emotionally beaten up by women.

I think it's because we are all drawn to similar people in who we choose for relationships. If you experience life as being full of dramatic ups and downs, then you will end up with a woman who does so as well. Typically, though, those women have the most issues and emotional baggage.

 

[Jariel]

Aha so it was you! Guys Jariel has nothing to worry about. I remember his pics from the health and fitness forum. This guy has a body and facial aesthetics from what I remember that are better than 95% of the population.

He is going to be just fine.

Thanks buddy! I wouldn't say 95%, but maybe 70%. I could do with bulking up a bit...if only for the sake of feeling like a badass again.

The anti depressants amake is getting drastically overlooked I am on trazadoneand from the 2nd week until around the 4th I was a mess really irritable fighting and really compulsive wiFe and I got into some silly and fights

Thanks for the clarification. I wasn't sure if I was just making excuses for her, but her cold and irrational behaviour does coincide with these latest pills and I've read a lot on break ups to murder/suicides while on antidepressants.

 

[Jariel]

And, to Jariel, some people are just more passionate in regard to how they experience life. It is both good and bad. The highs are higher, but the lows are lower, too. And by passionate, I certainly don't mean pvssy. Fighters are passionate people by nature.

Thank you for that perspective. It's very true! I am very passionate about life and I do experience the highs and lows in extremes. And despite what I feel now, I wouldn't change that.

I think it is common to think you're being a pvssy for falling in love and getting hurt, but what you say is right.

 

[Crissco]

Hey man, wonder what happened to you. Good to see you back, wish it wasn't the way it was, but as you know life happens. Everyone else hit the nail on the head already, so just stopping into to say hi, and wish you the best bro.

 

[Big Nuts]

1. Divorced.................check
2. Kids........................check
3. Antidepressants.......check
4. Emotional tampon.....check (leaning on u while going through divorce)

Dude...you're 36 years old and know nothing. You gave your emotions to an unsympathetic cvnt like a slvt gives up her p00n.

If a 36 year old does this, what hope is there for guys in their 20's????

You bang single mothers...I repeat, you bang single mothers, 99% of them are low hanging fruit.

 

[Jariel]

Just an update...

I felt really good last night! Reading these posts helped a lot. I also started writing reasons why being with her was a bad idea, recalling the times when I felt unsatisfied and wanted out, and I was genuinely feeling like I'd been blessed.

Afterall, my head had been telling me for some time what a bad idea this relationship was, but I was emotionally attached and unable to free myself. Now I've been cut free and it's forcing me to move on. This can only be a good thing.

Unfortunately I had a dream about her last night and have woken up feeling downtrodden and heartbroken. I've not been tempted to contact her or anything, but I do find myself wanting to be with her and putting all this right. But I know this is against my better judgement, so I'm just re-reading these posts and doing what I did last night to gain back clarity.

I'm currently writing a list of lessons I've learned from this relationship and my break up. Things I did right, how I seduced her, got her to fall for me and so on, but then things I did wrong. This way I can try to make the most of my next relationship.

 

[Jariel]

I've just made an edit to my original post as I missed out an important factor in all of this. Obviously I had my role to play in our break up, but I still think it's best I move on and escape this demanding and destructive relationship.

 

[( . )( . )]

Awww fvck not this guy again. Jariel I've mellowed quite a bit since we last had our "differences" so I'll try and keep this as civil as I can.

Ok, so why am I here? Long story short, I fell madly in love with a woman 2 years ago. I let my guard down and we both went into it with all our hearts. It was incredible, intense, passionate, emotional, like a blissful fairytale. We connected on every level and had so many amazing times. She told me she saw me as her future and we planned to get married and settle down together one day. I honestly thought this was it, that Jariel was going to hang up his seduction boots and finally settle down and raise a family.

Your 36, it's time to put away those disney cartoons. Please, we have a whole lot more manginas since you were here last and I'm seriously running out of insults.

1. Divorced.................check
2. Kids........................check
3. Antidepressants.......check
4. Emotional tampon.....check (leaning on u while going through divorce)

Dude...you're 36 years old and know nothing.

Yeah you might want to keep an eye on this guy. (think of a jaylan-lite but with more feeeelings) It's not pretty. At least if he's in here he's not messing up the red pill newbies.