I'm at an all time low.

[Scars]

Seeking advice from the older members here. If you haven't noticed, I have been away from the forums for quite a long time. I logged in and was completely shocked to find that I'm still a moderator, for not having maintaining let a lone checking on the forums for such a long time.

This isn't really relationship advice related, more or less life advice.

I've gone through a tough struggle these past few months. I lost my grand father, who was very dear to me and always looked on as a role model. I found out that my girlfriend is pregnant, and I just recently lost my job. I'm 22 and now I'm back home with my mother (which is a major cause of my depression, anxiety, and stress), despite having no job she still threatens to kick me out onto the street, which is the same thing she did when I was 18. I was essentially homeless until I found a job and then I was allowed to return. I was not brought up in the greatest child environment, but I believe it made me stronger as a person. Basically, I am having extreme anxiety about my situation. If I had lost my job 3 months ago, it would had been another story. I know how to fend for myself, I've been there. Now I have to worry about my girlfriend, my upcoming baby, as well as her other kid (which she reassures me that I don't have to do, but I feel it's her way to only make me feel better, and what kind of man would I be if I didn't?). I never really considered myself the family type of guy, but I'm about to have a kid and want to be in its life. I'm actually not that interested in the mother, it was kind of an oops baby. I haven't told her this, but that's how it is. She also happens to already have a kid. I would actually say I could care less if she sees other guys (cause I'm not jealous in that sense) but I wouldn't want creepy men around my new born. Fortunate for me, she really loves me, and is helping, but the fact that I lost my job is also bringing on stress with her. I've filed for unemployment, but there's a good chance I won't get it. In fact, it will hard to find another job that will cover my living expenses. I'm just really depressed, and everything is crashing on me all at once. I actually liked my job, I was finally forming a career and was doing quite well for my age, now I'm left with nothing. I feel like my girlfriend feels less about me now, which doesn't bother me, but I am concerned about the baby. Pretty much I'm scared of being a failure. There is nothing for me in this town. I have already received employment opportunities in other cities/states, but my gf has already expressed that she is comfortable here. I realize at the end, it is my decision, but I also grew up without a father in my life, and to repeat the same thing for my offspring would just kill me. I don't know what to do. Please help.

Thanks.

-Scars

 

[Burroughs]

If you have a good job out of state take it...you need to build up your self esteem brick by brick and the first step will be to have a steady income and a place that is your own....you are giving the gf $money right? then it doesn't matter where she wants to live...you go where the jobs are and she either follows or not.

 

[Boilermaker]

wow scars that sounds pretty fvcked up.

You sounded like a smart kid, how did you make all those choices that have led you to this?

You are a kid yourself.

I hate to ask this, but is abortion an option?

The girl already has another kid, you don't have a job, you don't love her and
you guys are having a baby.

You can always find a job and get back on your feet but having that baby is irrevocable.

Think it over.

 

[betheman]

If you have a good job out of state take it...you need to build up your self esteem brick by brick and the first step will be to have a steady income and a place that is your own....you are giving the gf $money right? then it doesn't matter where she wants to live...you go where the jobs are and she either follows or not.

this ^^ this is what men have always done, their women follow them, you tell her, if I can get a decent job in another state, youre coming or you get nothing.

as or your mother, she sounds pretty sh!tty for threatening to kick you out at this point, id remind the old bag that one day she will be old and dependant and you will be doing the same to her...yes I really would say that!

grat chance for you to grow as a man here, its going to be tough but ultimately, how you handle this will define you. best wishes and good luck

 

[Jules_Winfield]

Scars and Amante, you two have a good country song on your hands.

Scars, it's time for you to be the man you don't want to be. We need to figure out how to get her to abort it. Yes, it's cruel, evil, and against some religious beliefs. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told my 14-year-old cousin: all women who sleep with you want to have your kid.

You will take comfort in two things: a plan for this obstacle and whatever follows, and an internal resolve. I know it's easier said than done, but the worrying and stress will end you!

 

[seasonedplayer]

It's an Obama communist world these days so tough for the young. You need to do what is good for your career. Focus on that and everything wil fall into place

 

[Bible_Belt]

I agree that a job would be nice.

If you leave, it is actually better for you to start paying court-ordered child support. You owe the money anyway, and they will find you. Also, and this is very important, don't just send her money without having any documentation for it. There is a nightmare scenario where you run off, but send her cash every month. Then she doesn't report the money, files for welfare, and years later the state sends you a bill for eighteen years of back child support. In Arizona, if the kid lives at home and goes to college, it is actually 21 years of support that you can end up owing. And in the eyes of the state, if you can't prove that you paid, you might as well have never paid.

Good luck.

 

[WomenAreEasy]

I sat without a job for a full year and literally had one payment left on my unemployment before I got a random phone call for an interview. I went in...and I got the job. I am now working hard to get myself out of this hole I dug but God always finds a way. Just have faith and stay strong brother. Things will work out but you can't get so down on yourself. Sometimes you have to suck up your pride and work two or three horrible jobs to get by. Do whatever you can side job wise or temp agency wise to do crap jobs and make a little money here and there until something steady comes up. Trust me....something will come your way. You seem like a nice person with great character and sometimes you have to keep walking through the darkness until your finally see the light.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Scars, what kind of assistance are you getting outside of this forum? As much as many of us would like to help, this isn't the kind of place you should be leaning on for help right now.

I've been around long enough to know you've had your fair share of sh*tty, non-dating related issues over the years and I'm a little concerned about ya, bro. What have you been doing to help yourself all this time?

And you're not alone. I got my GF preggo a while back and had a little girl last November. 2 weeks ago my doctor told me the lump in my neck is Cancer, which is the second time for me. I'm fighting the Division of Youth and Family Services (DYFS) because I was accused by some braud's jealous, a-hole, druggie, ex-BF of being a heroin addict when I'm nothing of the sort. I just dropped 10 grand on a retainer fee for my lawyer on that one. Between my daughter being born early requiring an extended NICU stay at the hospital along with fighting cancer twice, I have over $400K so far in medical bills to pay, and that doesn't include the 2 surgeries and radioactive treatment I have to go through over the next 2 months. My testosterone levels have dropped off the scale because of the previous testicular cancer I fought and I'm now fighting a kind of fatigue I wouldn't wish on anybody, and with all the bullsh*t I have to deal with now, all of my days are 18 hours long and I can't rest up like I should be doing. I've exhausted all of my vaca and sick days at work not knowing why I was so sick for a while, and now I have to hide behind medical leave just to keep my job. I can't even apply for disability until my surgery date, which is 2 or 3 weeks out.

Despite all this, I'm still rolling strong and have a positive outlook because the one thing I'm not fighting is depression. Get that sh*t in check, Scars. Then come back here. I'll be waiting to help you out anyway you need. Let me know if there's anything I can do.

Oh, and by the way, my little girl is the best damn thing I've ever accomplished in my life. All the BS I'm dealing with right now doesn't phase me one bit because I got her. It's not the end of the world for you.

Very inspiring, Amante. I've got a lot of respect for you.

Scars, sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time. You've stated that your girlfriend seems to have lost some feelings for you, and that should be the clincher as to what you should do: Pursue one of those distant career opportunities.

I'm sure you've heard the procedure that must be followed in an airplane if you're sitting with a child and cabin pressure is lost. One might think that the thing to do is to get the oygen mask on the kid before anything else. However that is not the proper procedure. The adult is to first place their own oxygen mask over their own face and then to take care of the kid. Why? What if the adult were to become incapacitated due to lack of oxygen? Both would die.

You must take care of yourself first in this situation. You need employment and a fresh, hopeful outlook on life. You can't be any good to anybody in such a state of depression and hopelessness. I advise you to consider getting your internal house in order so that you can be there for the kid later.

 

[Desdinova]

Wow, you've certainly hit a low point in life. I think we've all hit those at one time or another, but we can pull through them.

There's a lot of things to consider here. First of all, you've got a baby on the way and you want to keep the child in your life. I'm going to urge you to stay with your gf until at least one year after the baby is born. She may end up breast-feeding and you cannot have shared custody if you can't breast feed. After one year, the baby will at the very least be on a bottle. At this point, you CAN independently take care of the child without the mother around. When your child reaches this point, that is when you can bail and retain your fatherhood.

On the subject of jobs, all I'd suggest is take whatever you can get for the time being. You're going to need money no matter where it comes from. You can always apply for better jobs while you're working a 5hit job.

As for moving back in with your mom, many of us had to do it. I know it sucks having to do it. It feels like you went out into the world and failed to be successful. But that's never the case. It's just a setback, and you need to be thankful that you had that option to help you get back on your feet instead of being homeless. You WILL be able to get back out there and give life another shot.

I really do wish you the best of luck on your situation, and hope things turn out for the better.

 

[Scars]

Thanks for all the kind words guys. I think my head is back on straight and I'm thinking a lot more rationally now. Still not exactly sure what I'm going to do yet, but I feel confident in the fact that whatever I decide will be the right decision. Thanks again.

-Scars

 

[Zarky]

As I always say, if you can simply stay alive and out of jail in your 20s, you're ahead of the game.

 

[AAAgent]

Seeking advice from the older members here. If you haven't noticed, I have been away from the forums for quite a long time. I logged in and was completely shocked to find that I'm still a moderator, for not having maintaining let a lone checking on the forums for such a long time.
Thanks.
-Scars

Scars, i've went through something very similar and was facing potential time on top of it all. If you haven't hit rock bottom yet or feel that way well you will soon. Once you realize it can't get any worse, you will have two options.

1.) Man up or
2.) continue crying and letting your troubles get the best of you.

I manned up and i would suggest the same.

Your life sucks right now. Understand that and accept it. You can't fight reality, and right now, the reality is that you have a huge storm blowing right smack at you. Instead of ramming against the storm and getting all shaken up, emotional, and nervous by it, let the storm takes its course. It can only blow you so far back until it dies down and goes away. While your getting blown back, just sit back and analyze and prepare yourself for when it stops to make your charge forward (by prepare yourself i mean actually do sh1t to better your life and your future, do not sit on your a$$). Your charge to regain all the footing you've lost during the storm should be things like job searching, saving bits of money, reading, and keeping yourself in check for a speedy recovery. When the **** show is over and all the prep work you've been doing starts kicking in, you will see that you will start to move forward. You will get job offers (its a numbers game same as women, someone somewhere will pay you for your work if you are applying for something you can do. I applied to 800-900 jobs and only got 3 offers. I've been working 3 years now and make 60K+ with a promotion and winning a global work contest), your own place will come after that (if you are hungry enough to get it), etc.

You have a lot of problems going on, some of them major, some of them are just normal problems. When you are lacking a role model, i find it best to create one yourself....turn yourself into your own role model. You have a kid coming, even if you somewhere down the road you decide to have an abortion, it hasn't happened yet. So right now, prepare for a child. The kid will need a father and a role model, why don't you start working toward being that person. You probably want your son to be strong and face adversity head on and conquer it, well you should do that first and start right now and work toward overcoming your adversity. Remember, if it gets any worse go back to welcoming the storm go through and help it makes it's course. Sometimes you will find yourself in the calm of the storm and then another sh1tfest will arise. It only gets worse before it get's better. Just plan for more storms and keep on trucking.

----

Now its time to tell you how stupid you have been, because everyone needs a good lecture. Now, before you may or may not read what i say, i say this out of kindness to wake you up, now to bring you down. I grew up with a a father figure who made me feel like i was never good enough for him, it didn't matter to me since i just wanted to be good enough to accept myself in my own eyes. He used to tell me after i did a poor job at something "All you're going to be good for when you grow up is pump gas." nothing wrong with that job but you get the picture. This is going to be one of those times where im telling you that all you're good for is pumping gas.

----------------------

1.) first of all, why the fvck are you on unemployment?! You're a fvcking grown as$ YOUNG MAN that should be strong as a bull. Worse comes to worse, if you can't use your brains to make money (which you should work on if you aren't doing it currently), you can use your body as in manual labor. In college i worked at UPS and Coca-cola lifting for boxes and cases of soda 50+ hours a week while going to school full time. Unemployment is a crutch that you should never have to rely on unless you physically/mentally can't work and you definitely don't seem like either. I started with $200 dollars and that $200 lasted me a good 7 months until i got a part time job. I slept in peoples living rooms for the entire 7 months, baby sat kid, walked dogs, washed dishes and took out trash, cleaned my friends rooms, and i've always been a guy that's lived by his words so when i asked a few close friends for some food or a some money they obliged. Cinderella Man made me realize that some people are struck with misfortune and when you have responsibilities like a house and children that need shelter and food then I can see unemployment, but you had no children at that time. James Braddock paid back all the employment he took as well.

2.) How much of an idiot are you to be apart of a mens self help forum for over 5 years, a regular at the self help forum, and worst of all a moderator who is supposed to be setting examples that you make one of the worst mistakes that we preach here of not using protection and impregnating a girl when you clearly know you aren't in a position to take care of a child. If you can't afford to have sex at least be wise enough to get an appointment at planned parenthood. They give out free condoms and other forms of birth control. If you have a mistake then go out and buy the pill, otherwise don't make the mistake.

----------

Now that's out of the way, you will need to prioritize things. I'm not really an advocate of abortion nor will i "tell" you what to do but I don't think your ready to handle a child. You're not sure where you will be sleeping tomorrow or if you'll have food to eat, you shouldn't bring a child into that type of environment, but that's your decision.

Job should be your main priority and job searching will be tough. What types of jobs are you searching for? While your applying for jobs, work on yourself daily to make yourself a better candidate for the job. So while you are working on providing yourself opportunities to interview, you are also working on increasing the chance of success from those opportunities you secure.

Depending on the type of job your searching for you will need to prepare accordingly. I started as a temp analyst. I was not a finance major but everyday i read on the market, joined a trading forum, read and learned lingo, etc. The temp job was for crappy pay, but i needed experienced and i learned as much as i could there, and from that job i got enough experience and was hired full time as an analyst at another company. I read motivational/inspirational books like the Counte of Monte Cristo about a young man who had an incredible bright future lined up but had it all taken and stripped away from him. The book is about how he got back on his own two feet through hard work and a bit a luck (actually a ton of luck). I only had to work to support myself but you may have to support two mouths, so be prepared to look for 2 jobs, ask for OT, part time work, etc.

Here's a thread below where i posted an abridged version of my last 4 years like amante. http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=195195

Key points:

1.) Accept and understand your misfortune as being atleast a partial result of your actions if not a direct result barring some medical disease that you're diagnosed with.
2.) Prepare for it to get worse before you even think about it getting better. Accept that too. Don't let you problems get to you as you need to be focused to tackle your problems.
3.) Work hard to create opportunities for yourself and simultaneously work hard to increase your chance of capitalizing on those opportunities.
4.) Be the inspiration you want to see. Be the role model you want for yourself. Someone one day will look to you for inspiration, don't let them down.

Chin-up and keep on trucking and as pook said "Be a Man."

 

[Skalioppe]

Scars, don't fall foul to self pity, because I can tell that isn't your game. You've just hit the point in life everyone hits once (normally later on, granted), when the walls crumble around you all at once. When bad things happen at once and rock your foundations.

It's OK, things can only get better, so right now, set yourself some goals and tackle them. Psychologists say striving to achieve short term goals is one of the most effective ways to rid yourself of depression. Here's some suggestions:

1. If you think the baby isn't for the best, talk to the pregnant mother about options. If she won't abort, you need to man up an offer to support the baby as best as you can. It's not the end of the world if she does decide to have the baby, as generally, people love their children and say it is the best thing to ever happen to them.

2. Don't mope around, time to start looking for a job. Take anything you can, from my experience it's often easier to jump from job to job - when you have some money in your pocket.

3. Look into social housing, go and speak to citizen's advice bureau or your country's equivalent. Or look into cheap shared accommodation. Some landlords / property owners offer free rental in exchange for doing odd jobs around their properties - my friend lived rent free for 3 years by doing odd jobs, like helping decorating, cleaning vacated properties, wallpaper stripping etc. Ask around.

4. Keep yourself active and busy. It keeps your mind off things. Set yourself a goal like running a few miles every day.

5. Get back actively on this forum. Networking and friendships can lift our spirits and offer unexpected opportunities, you never know, someone on here might have a job available.

Time to brush yourself off, lift that chin up and man up, show people around you and most of all yourself you're a real man and won't be beaten down!

 

[iqqi]

Scars, when you are working that sh!t job just to get by, don't stop trying to better yourself so you can get something better than that sh!t job in the future. Read, read, read, and take some community college classes in the least.

Depresses the hell out of me to see some of the people I grew up with working 18 hour days in close to minimum wage jobs (for the overtime) with no idea how to get past that situation. Whatever you do... get past it.

Also sounds like the mother is giving you a pass on supporting the child. I say take it for at least the next couple of years if only to better your own financial situation so that you can better provide for the child later.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Also sounds like the mother is giving you a pass on supporting the child. I say take it for at least the next couple of years if only to better your own financial situation so that you can better provide for the child later.

The state is going to eventually come after him for the support, though. I concede that it is technically possible for that to not happen, but a lot of people who rob banks get away, too. That doesn't make it prudent. The only wise thing to do is just count on the state going after that money. I don't think there's any statute of limitations, either. The bill doesn't go away when the kid becomes an adult. The state could do nothing all those years, and then later send him a bill for a six-figure amount. That's a bill for which bankruptcy is useless because it's owed to the state, and also one for which they put you in jail for if you don't pay. The risk is just too great.

A similar scenario happened to a friend of mine in Arizona. The b!tch ran off with his kid to the east coast and denied him his visitation rights. He thought that meant he didn't have to pay. He was very wrong about the law, although morally he was correct. He could have gotten the support reduced or removed if he had gone to court, but he never did so. The scary thing about child support is that every month it has the effect of a court-ordered judgment. There is no appeal, and there is no going back after making a mistake like that. The guy is still paying the state for support on his kid, who is now a junior in college. He's also helping out with the cost of college, but none of that counts in the eyes of the state. They just want their money.

 

[disgustipated]

You are young. That means everything. You are at home, take advantage of having almost zero overhead(rent) if that is the case, you may never get an opportunity of no/lowered rent again in your adult life. Take a job, any job, and get to banking money like crazy for as long as possible until you have a sizeable amount for a huge downpayment for a house. In the meantime, trim up your expenses. Get a beater vehicle, talking like 2k or so that will last for 5-7 years with good upkeep. No need for a new car/note at your age. You should have two bills if you can get away with it. Phone and insurance. Living at home I'd expect you can get away with no/low rent and utilities? Otherwise, what's the point if you have to put up with mom and her rules? Cut all other useless expenses out. All the immenties will be there when you have your affairs in order at a later date, including vagina. Use that downpayment and get you a house 5-10 years down the line, if you're frugal enough you can outright buy a house maybe. But at that point you'll be just about 30 and own your own home with a real mortgage for a few years or so, once you own your house outright you are more finacially free and no longer have a house payment to worry about. You can either buy a few immineties now or continue to bank again as you did when living with mom except you have your own freedom now. I WISH I had did this at your age. Now your child will be ten or so, with a dad that is established with his own house and money in the bank.

Take care of yourself in the meantime, make sure to buy a cheap gym membership or a cheap set of weights for the house. It will pay dividends in fewer medical bills, makin work become easier, and of course being fit...women will naturally come.

I don't know what to tell you on the child front as I've not had kids but I know if I had one at your age it would've made me 10x more motivated.

Now if those job opportunities outside of town are good enough to where the money you'd be able to SAVE is more than what you could living at home...then do that. That's what it's all about right now...setting yourself up to be financially free in the future. It's not all about getting the max amount of toys your income level will allow, you can be pulling down 6 figures and still be living paycheck to paycheck....don't be one of those guys. Sounds weird but at 37 I'm envious of the position you're in right now, but I'd have to have to the knowledge I have now to willingly go back to that time.

Good luck and don't let this chick get you frazzled.

 

[Colossus]

Tough breaks, Scars.

Two things you cant change-- your grandfather passing, and your upcoming child. The other you can.

Tons of advice posted here, a lot of judgment too. I dont know how you got in this spot, but every single one of us here could be in the same place if the chips fell a different way. We've all had sex. We've all had jobs. That's why I never blast someone for falling on hard times unless it was just pure stupidity.

I do agree with the others on one point---getting a job is priority number one. You are no good to anyone right now without a positive flow of income. Get it however you can. If you gotta move, hay man you gotta put bread on your table. Just make sure the cost of moving to get work doesn't outweigh the cost of staying around town and finding work. But as the saying goes, a bird in hand is worth two in the bush. If you have an offer, take it.

Unfortunately Bible Belt is correct on his cautions regarding child support. Assume that you must pay it until told otherwise by the state. And seek legal counsel on that if you do move.

 

[Colossus]

Disgustipated has some sound advice as well.

Man, things become a lot clearer financially when you hit 30. If I could go back in time and imbue myself with the knowledge I have now, I would be a much wiser and more monetarily secure man. If you gotta live at home for a few years, hey bro there is no shame in that, as long as you are SAVING more than you would otherwise. Accept you mother's good graces and save some coin, if possible. You're only 22, not 32.

 

[Danton1975]

Amante...that is truly inspiring and you have my respect.

Scars...don't get a job. Start your own business...something that no one can take away from you. You could then NEVER be fired by anyone.