I'm a jerk and I think that's what is preventing me from getting girls

[tdotseoul]

I'm a self-centered jerk.
I realized all I do is think about myself.
I don't want to, I volunteer to help people but I realized in the end, I'm always thinking about myself.

I think this is the main reason why I haven't been able to form new friendship over the last 10 years. All my friends have been the friends I had when I was younger and I can tell that slowly they are drifting away.

The thing is, I wasn't like this before... but around 18 I hit depression and about 3 - 4 years, it changed me PROFOUNDLY...

And after that I sort of started to become withdrawn... maybe I secretly don't trust people or dislike people (because I'm very non-selfish towards pets or animals) but anyways I realized that new people that I meet don't want to be friends with me. I just end up becoming acquaintances.. even with people I work with.

I want to be the type of guy that is friends with everyone, knows a lot of (because let's face it, more people you know, the more you have access to other women) and at least build solid respect.

I tried to stop this by being nicer and I would try to be funny but I end up that funny guy nobody respects, and when people treat me like that I get angry and I end up being the usual jerk I was...

I can't find that middle ground where I'm funny and maybe a bit ****y and respectable.

I work out, I make enough to be considered America's "1%", I have a nice place, nice job and good education. So, it's not really my position... per se...

I think it is definitely personality.. maybe I'm insecure, ****y, offensive and a bit of a jerk and I don't know how to fix this.

IN SHORT

Is there such thing as being a too big of jerk to turn off women? How do I tone it down without jeopardizing my confidence and retain my humour at the same time?

Help.

I have hit rock bottom today.

 

[Ronaldo7]

Are you happy with yourself?

If so, you should carry on being the way you are. You have a good job, good education, and form part of America's 1%. That's pretty decent.

People should feel lucky YOU want to be their friend. People should feel lucky to know YOU.

Always carry that mentality and you will always come out on top no matter what happens. Don't seek validation from others. Does it make you feel good about yourself if you have 50 people that like you/are you friend vs 50 people that don't like you? Those 50 people didn't get you your education, job, or success. Who did? Yourself. Adhere to this principle.

 

[LorenzoVonM]

And after that I sort of started to become withdrawn... maybe I secretly don't trust people or dislike people (because I'm very non-selfish towards pets or animals) but anyways I realized that new people that I meet don't want to be friends with me. I just end up becoming acquaintances.. even with people I work with.

There is a story you are telling yourself. Its probably in your subconscious but it governs your beliefs and how you act when meeting new people. It is an energy, your vibe. People can feel it. The vast portion of human communication is done non-verbally. This is why two different guys can say the same thing to a woman and one guy will be creepy but the other guy will be seductive.

You have told yourself you are selfish and suck with people. There's probably a bunch of other garbage up in your brain too that is causing you problems. You have to find out what that story is and change it. Re-frame it to the exact opposite and tell yourself the new one everyday. When it starts sticking you will notice new thoughts will start popping into your head, congruent with your new story. Your vibe will change.

I want to be the type of guy that is friends with everyone, knows a lot of (because let's face it, more people you know, the more you have access to other women) and at least build solid respect.

I tried to stop this by being nicer and I would try to be funny but I end up that funny guy nobody respects, and when people treat me like that I get angry and I end up being the usual jerk I was...

You are getting angry because you are trying to get something from others. In this case you said you want more friends to get women. You are still being selfish. People can feel it, it makes you try way too hard, and it is a repellent. Its like guys who just approach girl after girl trying to get sex. They come off like creepy used car salesmen. Horrible vibe. Or the "nice guy" who does all this nice stuff for a girl but gets pissed when she doesn't sleep with him. In the end it wasn't "nice", it was just a wormy way to make her feel like she was obligated to give him some pvssy.

You need to let go of the wanting. Come from a whole different place. Give from a place where you don't expect anything in return and the giving is a reward in itself. Knowing that people are positively affected by you. Start conversations, help them with challenges, be genuine in wanting to know about their lives, introduce them to people, etc. Do it because you have compassion. Be value. If they don't want to accept your gifts and goodwill then you don't hold it against them. You are whole and happy within yourself.

I used to be like you. Practicing spirituality really helped me elevate outside myself. It took the focus off of me and made things more universal.

 

[tdotseoul]

Are you happy with yourself?

If so, you should carry on being the way you are. You have a good job, good education, and form part of America's 1%. That's pretty decent.

People should feel lucky YOU want to be their friend. People should feel lucky to know YOU.

Always carry that mentality and you will always come out on top no matter what happens. Don't seek validation from others. Does it make you feel good about yourself if you have 50 people that like you/are you friend vs 50 people that don't like you? Those 50 people didn't get you your education, job, or success. Who did? Yourself. Adhere to this principle.

Awesome reply! I'm going to have to think about this for a day.

You are getting angry because you are trying to get something from others. In this case you said you want more friends to get women. You are still being selfish. People can feel it, it makes you try way too hard, and it is a repellent. Its like guys who just approach girl after girl trying to get sex. They come off like creepy used car salesmen. Horrible vibe. Or the "nice guy" who does all this nice stuff for a girl but gets pissed when she doesn't sleep with him. In the end it wasn't "nice", it was just a wormy way to make her feel like she was obligated to give him some pvssy.

You need to let go of the wanting. Come from a whole different place. Give from a place where you don't expect anything in return and the giving is a reward in itself. Knowing that people are positively affected by you. Start conversations, help them with challenges, be genuine in wanting to know about their lives, introduce them to people, etc. Do it because you have compassion. Be value. If they don't want to accept your gifts and goodwill then you don't hold it against them. You are whole and happy within yourself.

You know when I was being nice at the time, I wasn't being nice because I wanted something from them, at the time.. I was genuinely nice to people and I did not expect anything in return. But, the I realized that people started to lose respect and walk all over me.

At least when I was a jerk, people respected me even though they may not have liked me.

So, I don't get how to find the middle ground being between nice like a wussy and being an absolute jerk.

It's so extreme...

 

[Ronaldo7]

It's not necessarily being a jerk. It's doing what pleases YOU. Not THEM. YOU and only YOU. You may hurt a lot of feelings, but hey, you are doing what you want and there is really no better feeling than that. Unless people have something of interest, you should give no thought about what they say or what they want. Sounds harsh? Well, business works like that. So does life. That's why you feel angry when people use you.

 

[Atom Smasher]

OP, tell us of your upbringing. What was your family life like?

 

[evan12]

OP:
I know what you are missing :
1- you dont have social skills to tune yourself with other poeple ( I myself have some from that ) .
2- you are not masculine enough , which make you not the typical jerk that women like for their extra masculinity .
try to improve your social skills and dont be afraid to approch poeple and talk with them

 

[tdotseoul]

OP:
I know what you are missing :
1- you dont have social skills to tune yourself with other poeple ( I myself have some from that ) .
2- you are not masculine enough , which make you not the typical jerk that women like for their extra masculinity .
try to improve your social skills and dont be afraid to approch poeple and talk with them

I think you got it right on the dot.
Is there a way I can get over this?

Especially #2.

 

[Jules_Winfield]

I think you got it right on the dot.
Is there a way I can get over this?

Especially #2.

You can but you won't be happy. You will have to conform in order to get along better with people. Most people aren't worth knowing once you get to a certain age.

 

[FairShake]

No, nobody likes a d!ck. Even most girls who are into bad boys want one that will treat them nice most of the time.

It's all about the push and pull. Being a jerk sometimes is cool and works. Being one all the time will leave you all alone. Try to develop a good personality.

 

[LorenzoVonM]

You know when I was being nice at the time, I wasn't being nice because I wanted something from them, at the time.. I was genuinely nice to people and I did not expect anything in return. But, the I realized that people started to lose respect and walk all over me.

Being nice doesn't mean you have to be a doormat. I give to people all the time but still respect myself to not get walked all over.

So say you let someone stay at your house when you were away for the weekend. They throw a rager and break a bunch of stuff in your house. Basically they took your gift of being nice and sh1t all over it. You have no control over what they did. You do have control over the fact that you can try to get them to pay for damages (they might say piss off). Then you have control over if you even allow them in your life anymore. So it becomes an opportunity to cast out negative people to make space for more quality people. If you let it all slide and remain friends with them then of course they are going to lose respect for you.

 

[AriMamba]

so depressing... you claim to be america's 1%.... nice home and all that crap.... but the poor witte baby is depressed that sounds something a woman would say to get an ego boost...

 

[evan12]

OP:
I know what you are missing :
1- you dont have social skills to tune yourself with other poeple ( I myself have some from that ) .
2- you are not masculine enough , which make you not the typical jerk that women like for their extra masculinity .
try to improve your social skills and dont be afraid to approch poeple and talk with them

unfortunately to be a real man you must face real situations, such as working in store in downtown when many trouble makers will visit you daily, it is risky and you may get stabbed by one of the losers there , but you will learn to be brave and face dangerous situations, it will also help you to talk with different poeple every minute and that will tune your social skills.