I'm 15 years old...

[Quiksilver]

Yes, I know I'm 19, but...

I truly feel like I'm 15, in many ways.

My capacity for responsibility, discipline, and work is that of a 15 year old. The way I live my life is avoiding responsibility and anything even closely resembling the concept of 'work'. I lie to my parents and friends about things I was supposed to do or have done, regarding work.

I was supposed to graduate high school a year and a half ago, but failed too many classes, so I had to stay back a year. I finished that year, but due to the same problems I failed 2 more classes that year. So here I am this year, supposed to have completed classes and on my way to university this coming february. however i couldnt summon the energy and motivation to buckle down and complete those classes, so now university is out of the question.

Something is seriously fvcked up inside my head... I honestly thought I had everything planned out, and knew what I wanted, what I had to do each step of the way, and how to get there. It finally dawned on me that I've been living in some retarded "everything is okay" reality and now the fact of the matter hits home.

I have some issue with sleeping that really prevents me from sleeping good hours, i believe because i was carted around the world as a kid and never developed a good body clock. This prevents me from holding down a real job, because i get fired for coming in late. It's not like I want to show up late, but I can't get up early enough. Take it from me guys, wake up early. Waking up late, chronically, truely fvcks up your life in the worst of ways.

Whats more, last night i overheard my mother crying to her boyfriend about me, and where my future was headed if I keep on the way I am... Some of the things I heard her say was: "I'm stuck in a rut" "He has no motivation" "He must be on drugs(for the record I've only done drugs 4 times in my life)" "he doesn't realize the value of an education" "he's living in la la land" "he's milking the system"

While the problems are all real, and I accept full responsibility for what I am, none of those things are true. I live a struggle each day, every single day I fvck up in the same ways and have for the past 19 years of my life. I've often thought that I'm immature by about 4 years, and guess what I overheard last night in the convo... whispered "he isn't 19" "what is he then? "i don't know.... like.... 15." "he doesn't have the tools to overcome his issues"

In a way I think they are right...

I really don't know what to do. Well, ultimately I do know what to do, but for me the hard part is just... Doing it. Education and work was made hard for me throughout my life so far, i was diagnosed with a learning disability in like grade 5, pumped full of ritalin b/c they thought i had ADD/ADHD. I was always singled out as a problem child and the whole experience of education/work/duty/responsibility has negative feelings attached to it for me.

Attached to that it also gave me very low self esteem, no confidence, and no ego. though i think part of that was because i wet the bed until i was 17 years old... haven't told that to anybody, count yourselves lucky Imagine never being able to have friends over, feel comfortable in your own body, or have any confidence in yourself as a successful, normal, and healthy human being until the age of 18.

Without someone standing over my shoulder, watching my every move, I find it very hard to do what I have to do.

The only option i can see is seeing a psychiatrist, this has honestly got to stop. I'm really determined to end this bullsh1t, because my life rides on the outcome, but I don't know if I have the mental/psychological tools to deal with it.

The prospect of "just go do what you have to do" works for like 2 days, then i sink back into my ways, and the cycle repeats. Again I feel like I'm 15 years old.

if you read all this, thanks. For anybody who can relate to my situation, please give me some feedback, it's really aweful to live this way.

cheers guys.

 

[iqqi]

Get your GED. Get out of high school.

What is your comfortable sleeping pattern?

 

[Quiksilver]

4 am to 3pm

 

[iqqi]

First, read this. Just so you know that there is nothing wrong with you.

I am a severe night owl, so don't feel alone. Some times I get into a cycle of not being able to sleep until 7amish. And I don't wake up til 5 or 6PM.

High school was hell for me too. I still have nightmares about that sh!t.

I learned through trial and error that the 9-5 lifestyle will NEVER ever be something I could do and be happy.

But I am a free spirited person, with a creative mind, and I no longer feel abnormal. Different from the average, obviously, but there is a whole other world out there besides your dull 9-5 prison.

There are many careers that you could choose, being this way. Many jobs. The best thing obviously is to go into business for yourself.

I have an Ebay store. That is 24 hours, baby.

And you might be happier moving somewhere that has a rep "the city that never sleeps."

Think, like Vegas.

Besides that, you are probaly on the depressed side, which affects your ability to operate. This may be why you are unable to motivate yourself to do anything. It may also be why you had bed wetting issues for so long.

I think the first thing you need to do is think about your sleep issue. Once you embrace it, and realize that there are options for your future, then you may feel some of the burden that has been depressing you, lift.

What do you think?

 

[iqqi]

Also, college will be a much different experience. You can schedule all your classes to fit your own life style.

And here is another link to check out.

 

[PulpFiction]

Almost the same thing is happening to me but I can still prevent it,i stay up late,don't do stuff what my parents ask me to do,don't get good grades and that's me.I got a D in Math last May so I am taking it over on this January but as a matter of fact, my skills hasn't improved a bit.Being a night owl ruins your life,I think we shouldn't stay up late cuz it does no good it only harms.

 

[iqqi]

B!TCH SLAP!!!

I just cyber stalked some of your threads to look for evidence that you are "15" not 19. And decided to reward you with a b!tch slap, for real.

NO way in h3ll are you immature. If anything, you are very mature. You are articulate, well spoken, you can spell, and you seem wiser than most fools who are 3 times your age on this site. Can't you see that?

Your moms is probably just worried about you, and can't relate. Or she sucks (sorry!). That has to take a toll on you, and if you love her I can see why you would take to heart what she said about you. But DON'T. You don't got it easy, that's for sure. Your sleep pattern is just one of your obstacles, to learn from.

Once you do, you will be fine.

 

[JRight]

I am(was) in a similar situation as you.

I'm also 19, and I've been a night owl my entire life. I can remember staying up til 4 AM from as far back as 5 years old, and recently I have been working out at around midnight.

Just like you, I wasted all my high school years doing nothing productive(academically or otherwise). Thankfully, when I was about 17 or so, I realized I was heading in a terrible direction and needed a change.


I got my GED shortly after turning 18, and I'm about to finish my second semester of college right now. I expect to get A's in 2 out of my 3 classes.

BTW, it has helped me to ease into college. Since I was so used to wasting all my time and being unproductive, I took only 2 classes my first semester. This semester I am taking 3 classes, and next semester I am taking 4. I don't know about you, but I think it would have been discouraging for me to go from being completely irresponsible, to immediately having to juggle 4 college classes.

I also had some problems affecting my self-esteem-- specifically, a weight issue. Through motivation and determination, I have dropped 75 pounds so far and I plan on working at it until I am satisfied with my health and appearance.


I had all the same doubts you have about whether I could succeed or make anything out of myself, and even though I still have a lot of work to do, I feel very good about the direction I'm heading in now. I'm sure you have the ability to do something similar.

 

[MikeYikes122]

Your story reminds me so much of what I went through when I was kid, except I had my biggest issues when I was about four years younger than you.

I did some things in middle school that most people don't experiment with until college or the later parts of high school. In 6th, 7th, and 8th grade, I used to sneak out at night and meet up with friends who lived in my neighborhood. We'd vandalize property, steal things from houses and drink whatever kind of alcohol we could get our hands on. I was only 12 the first time I smoked weed. When my parents would drop me off at the bus stop, I would wait till they left, hide in the bushes and let the bus drive away without me. I'd then meet up with other friends who'd cut school too, and we'd hangout at the park all day or go to the mall and steal stuff.

Somehow, I avoided getting in too much trouble. I never got sent to juvenile detention center or anything like that and never had any serious run-ins with the law. But I did, however, have to sit through brutal sessions with school counselors where I was called everything from idiot to failure. There was one counselor in particular who was verbally abusive to me to the point that she should have had her license revoked, and I'll never forget her. The woman, along with my middle school principal, would tag team me for hours on end sometimes, literally telling me I had no chance of ever graduating high school and I was in turn headed nowhere. I remember one instance where they pulled me from second period English class because the *****-a$$ teacher who taught the class said I was being insubordinate and disrespectful to her. The principal and the counselor pulled me into an office and berated me for probably two and a half hours. I remember crying my eyes out the entire time, as they ran through the usual routine of "you're an idiot", "you're going nowhere", etc. From that day on, I was like a race horse that had its spirits broken. I never did my homework and always had to go to summer school to avoid being held back a grade.

My parents acted a lot like yours. My mom would cry herself to sleep and wonder where she went wrong, while my dad would be verbally abusive, echoing the same sentiments and phrases my middle school counselor would repeat to me. I remember once my dad took me to a McDonalds and pointed to all the workers there, telling me I was going to be one of them in three years.

I know exactly how you feel when you say you know how you're supposed to be living your life and what responsibilities you should be fulfilling, but for some reason you just can't force yourself to live up to anyone's standards. I'm willing to bet you're like me when I was younger in that you are really smart, but you just can't apply yourself. I remember when I was 12 I got picked to take the high school SATs because I scored so high on my middle school standardized tests. Friends, classmates, teachers and my parents were all shocked. It was like I always saw the bigger picture and knew that middle school wasn't going to matter in the long run, so I just slacked off and did whatever the hell I wanted.

Then, one day halfway through my first year of high school, my life just kind of turned around. I was in jeopardy of getting kicked out of the private school I went to after I continued much of the same behavior I exhibited in middle school. I failed three or four classes and was in detention all the time, but none of that really mattered to me until my mom saw my first semester report card. After seeing it, she literally told me she had given up on me. For me, that was rock bottom. My mom, the only person who had ever believed in me at all, had given up on me. From that day forward, I swore to myself I was going to change my life around. That next semester I got a 3.0 GPA and made the honor roll. When my parents first saw my report card, they were convinced there was some sort of mistake or that possibly my grades were mixed up with someone else's. But they were genuinely mine, and my life was different from that day forward.

Only nine or ten years ago I was failing English class. Now, I'm a professional writer, and I've been published in magazines and on the web. I have two degrees from a pretty good university, and I'm working on a master's.

To remedy your situation, you have to hit rock bottom like I did. All habitual drug abusers have a lowest point they can hit, where they're trading sexual favors to get their fix or getting excommunicated from their loved ones. It's only then that they can actually accept help for their problems. This is because once a person recognizes he or she is at the lowest point possible, the only place to go is up. The question you need to ask yourself is, when will you literally be at the bottom of your barrel? Or have you already hit that point? Only then will you be able to change your life.

The good news is that you've already experienced more trials and tribulations than a person twice your age. The tough times you've experienced will build a tremendous amount of character in you when you finally climb over the hump and get past them. The thing you have to realize is, no one knows the limits of your potential except you. In five or six years, when this rut is long in the past, you'll look back and actually be glad about the rough patches you had in your late teens. You'll look around and realize that all of your friends are freaking out and acting out in some cases in the worst ways imaginable because they don't know how to deal with the awkward post-college period of life that comes with being in your early- to mid-20s. You, on the other hand, will be ready for any curve ball life throws your way because you will already have developed the mental toughness to overcome adversity and life tests from the sh!tty experiences you had at a young age. The good news is, you're experiencing the toughest issues of your life at the extremely young age of 19. I'm 25, and it is a great feeling to know that the biggest tribulations of my life are 10 years behind me.

The downside of the situation, however, is that your self-image has probably taken a severe beating. I know mine did. I had absolutely no confidence in myself until I found this Web site my senior of high school. The years of verbal abuse from my dad and my counselor literally sucked me dry of my self-worth. I didn't even know what confidence was until one of my friend's pointed out to me when I was 17 that I didn't have any at all.

I hope that helped, and I hope this all works out for you. I have a pretty good feeling you're going to figure this all out.

 

[MikeYikes122]

I have an Ebay store. That is 24 hours, baby.

So are you like the girl from 40-Year-Old Virgin then?

 

[iqqi]

^^^ Lol, no, actually.

But I relate to a lot of what you went through. I've NEVER done drugs, and was barraged with insults and accusations by my principal and counselor. My middle school counselor came up to my high school and they proceeded to have a door closed yelling match for about half an hour at one point.

I felt loved, lol.

I remember being chased by my principal at one point "you will not graduate! I KNOW! I'm the PRINCIPAL!"

When I graduated (with my class, and due to sheer hustle ability), there were two kinds of educators... those who wouldn't look at me, and the teachers who left their place in line to come shake my hand, because I had been one of their favorite students.

The memories. Sigh.

 

[The Forms]

The great thing about being done with high school is that the older you get, the more freedoms you enjoy. I too am a complete night owl.

So once I got to college I was able to schedule classes where I was able to sleep in later and later. Once I graduated college I was able to take a job where I didn't even have to wake up until noon!

So now I can be considered a responsible adult, but I can hang out with friends till 4 in the morning and sleep till noon!

High school is aweful because it doesn't really resemble the real world. Teachers might pretend it does, but not really. I'm sure a lot of people give you the lecture about how when you grow up you'll have to get up at 7 in the morning to go to work when you are late. That's crap though, because they assume you'll have some sort of 9-5. You might work in the afternoons, or you may end up with a job where it doesn't matter WHEN you work (like the guy who runs an ebay store who posted).

Another big way high school doesn't resemble the real world is in the real world you don't HAVE to follow BS rules. If your boss gives you silly rules you don't want to deal with you can quit working for him at any moment you choose to. And there's nothing he can do to you! The worst thing he can do is fire you. Full stop. In high school you HAVE to be there. You HAVE to put up with the silly rules. You HAVE to do what they say you have to do. In the real world you don't HAVE to do a damn thing.

High school is like most anything else that sucks: you have to accept that it sucks, grit your teeth and bear it. Next thing you know it's over. And the MOMENT, quite literally the MOMENT, that you're done all the frustration and annoyance that went along with school is gone.

The sooner you just grab your balls and finish these classes, the sooner you'll be done with all the frustration you're going through.

Not that the real world is all roses, it has it's own stresses like finding a job you don't hate, paying your bills on time and all that jazz. But once you get the hang of all that, it's not that bad. In the real world no one gets to tell you what to do unless you let them. Ever.

By the way, the best way to fix that whole body clock problem is to burn all the energy you have every day. In my case, if I go jogging for 20 or 30 minutes everyday I have no problem getting to sleep on time. A lot of the times I even fall asleep a little earlier than I need to.

As far as doing good in school, when I was in middle school I learned the ONE thing that got me through graduating high school with honors, and even carried me through college: show up every day and pay attention (I know it isn't mind blowing, but it really is that simple). Once I really figured that out I never had to study a day in my life. If you show up for every class, sit up front and pay attention you'll never need to study and you'll pass everything.

 

[MikeYikes122]

Yeah, I imagine a lot of people on this site have stories like ours. It kinda seems to come with the territory.

High school wasn't that bad for me. I was kind of popular and I played a couple of different sports. I was just horrible with girls and clueless to the point that it's painful to think about. I actually managed to go to my proms though, but both of them hit a level of awkwardness that I don't think words can even describe.

Middle school was awful though.

 

[wolf116]

I also have a similar story.

Throughout primary school I was the only kid who couldn't afford a school uniform, I was in fights every week, I isolated myself from everyone, I have ADD and dyslexia.

High school was better because I discovered I'm a bit of a maths/physics whizz. I obtained the maths award without even studying. I only just passed English because my mum was friends with my english teacher.
I solved my anger issues (caused by dad) in high school by taking up boxing.
After high school I moved out of home at 17 (best move of my life) and started making new friends and dating girls. I became quite happy with life.

But then I went off to uni to study engineering. I tried all I could to sit down and study but I failed. Like you I didn't sleep and was always tired and unmotivated.
I'm now happy I failed. I would have had a boring job from it anyway.

I just changed my goal in life from getting rich and living the way I'm "supposed to be" to living in the bush and becoming self-sufficient and doing the things I love. What about becoming a personal trainer? That way you choose the hours you work.

I will give you a guarantied solution to your sleeping patterns, it worked for me... Go live in a tent in the bush for a couple of weeks! You will be going to bed by 7:00 in no time.

Guys like us still have too much of the caveman genes in us.

For me to function properly in the city, I have to do heaps of physical activity and escape to the country most weekends to go camping, fishing, hunting, swimming etc.
There is nothing wrong with us, it's just the artificial environment we live in.

 

[Centaurion]

I think the whole "it's genetic" thing is nothing more than a fad. It gets used to widely. 'Oooh, I'm fat...it's genetic' , 'Oooh, I can't get up at 6 am....it's genetic'

!!! B U L L S H ! T !!!

The one thing I learned in the army, is that you can overcome ANYTHING that you set your mind to. The human body has this incredible ability to adept and fight against all odds. You just need the right mindset. And in order to get the right mindset, you need to hit rock bottom. From your post, I get the impression that you are at a crossroad. You can either man up, grap the lion by its balls and do what it takes to sort out your life, or you can just let it all go and end up flipping burgers at McDonalds for the rest of your life. It's all up to you.

I'm what you would call a B-person. I would much prefer to sleep until noon, light up the herb and piss around till the evening. I'm most productive after 7pm - do I skip classes and generally fvck up my life and use that as an excuse? No. I get up at 6 am everyday, go to my classes and to work afterwards. I usually leave the house at 6.30 am and get back 11 pm. Day in and day out.

I do that because that is what I have to do in order to get where I want to be in life. I do it because I WANT to. I've hit rock bottom in the past, I wasted 2 years of my life on booze, drugs, girls and every kinky sh!t from here to the moon and back. But one day I woke up and realized that this wasn't the way I wanted to spend my life. So I broke all contact with my former self, and set out to better myself in all aspects of life. The first week was hard, the first month was harder, but after a while I started to see improvments. And it got a whole lot better after that.

My suggestion would be that you start off with small improvments. Don't go all overboard at once, start by finding out what you want to do with your life. Sit down and write it on a piece of paper. Then set up a plan on how you can get there. Then start fixing the litte things in your life - wake up at 7 am everyday, no matter how hard it is. Get your sh!t together.

When I hit rock bottom, I literally spent several hours listening to 'Burning hearts' by Survivors. The lyrics really hit home :

In the warriors code
There's no surrender
Though his body says stop
His spirit cries - never!
Deep in our soul
A quiet ember
Know it's you against you
It's the paradox
That drives us on
It's a battle of wills
In the heat of attack
It's the passion that kills
The victory is yours alone

 

[squirrels]

If you wanted to do it bad enough, you would.

That's really what it comes down to.

 

[Quiksilver]

Just read this post and replies again and let me tell you guys, I have tears in my eyes just reading it all. Can you imagine that? A 19 year old dude with tears in his eyes looking at what his life is.

Fyi, you dont kno how much it means to me to, reading about people who were in a situation like mine... thank u

I woke up and first thing I did was apply for a new job, I have some training for this already, but never followed through with the full process, prolly again b/c of a skewed self-image.. I've booked an appointment with a sleep therapist as well, on wednesday. Along with that i pulled out some meds from the cabinet, i got them a long time ago but never touched them... a sleep aid drug. I never liked the thought of taking meds unless i absolutely had to, and i think this time in my life qualifies as a must win.

I'm starting back to school in a couple weeks, I forked out $800 this morning to take the classes I need. Not much money left, and i dont want help from my parents anymore, financially. I've been pampered my whole life, financially, so this weird ****ed up life I live was too easy to stagnate... nothing was serious enough that I couldnt mentally hide from it and let it fester.

Now I'm going to start paying for my education, which if nothing else will teach me about responsibility and self respect.

Those were the three main things that I need to focus on right now:

-sleep pattern
-school
-work

there really isn't much more that i've ****ed up in, so far in my life. Like some of you guys, when I apply myself I'm way ahead of many people. I look at the graph of my reports after failing a class and it spikes back and forth from 0% to 90% depending whether i hand an assignment in or not.

Lets see how these next few weeks go... I don't kno what rock bottom would be, and quite frankly I don't need to know. I'm low enough right now. You know what sucks? This attitude I have has been getting worse for a few months now, and since that started, I've been on one date, and haven't invited my friends over once, because i've been ashamed of myself.

The downside of the situation, however, is that your self-image has probably taken a severe beating.

Haha, ya think? Imagine waking up every morning of your life, until 17, either wearing a diaper, or feeling ashamed and 'weird'. At one point I even had this little cup i used to wear at night(was rigged to a little metal box and plugged into the wall), so if i did start to wet the bed, it would give me a huge electric shock on my ****. Fvck me, thats another thing i havent told anybody...

That's all bullsh1t in the wind now though... I'm not making any grand statements, or making promises now, but... Let's see where I am in the next few weeks, that should be a fair indicator of how I am.

Again, thanks a lot for whoever responded, i almost cried reading some of the responses.

cheers guys.

 

[wolf116]

At one point I even had this little cup i used to wear at night(was rigged to a little metal box and plugged into the wall), so if i did start to wet the bed, it would give me a huge electric shock on my ****. Fvck me, thats another thing i havent told anybody...

No wonder you can't sleep.

Good luck

 

[iqqi]

I think the whole "it's genetic" thing is nothing more than a fad. It gets used to widely. 'Oooh, I'm fat...it's genetic' , 'Oooh, I can't get up at 6 am....it's genetic'

Scientists are making leaps and bounds in their knowledge of genetics. That is why you are hearing it more and more.

Its not necessarily a trend.

And yes, you could do everything short of brainwash yourself to become a morning person, same as you could MAKE a morning person a night person... it that was how society worked.

But why, when there are plenty of just as good options out there for a night owl, to remain a night owl.

I got myself to a point where I could wake up in the AM (with many tortuous devices aiding me), and I felt happy and normal... for like a day or four. But overall, I was miserable. Glad I have SEEN THE LIGHT (well... not the light). Now I know it isn't necessary to wake up before noon at all, except for an occasional appointment here and there than can't be made any other time.

Am much happier.

 

[ValleyDJing]

I'm a night owl too man. I never go to bed before 1am, and its usually closer to 2 or 3 in the morning. I sleep til noon or later every single fuking day!

As far as school, I didn't have a problem with high school...but college is a b.itch. Its not hard in the least, but I don't have the motivation to complete it. I had originally planned to have 45-48 units under my belt at this point in my college career. Wanna know how much I actually have? 21. The reasons vary. I skipped class, dropped classes, didn't do my work, showed up late, left early, went to class high, spent lectures staring at my psychology proffessor's tits, etc.

Man, you're like me. You need a break. My parents keep telling me to "Get motivated." Like its just a switch we can flip right? Like I'm just gonna wake up one morning and say to myself, "You know...I think I'm gonna be motivated for school today!" It doesn't work that way man. I feel you.