If your GF hangs out with a guy, would you consider it cheating/disrespectful?

[Fela Kuti]

My GF has this long time male friend (about 2 years) that keeps asking my GF to accompany him to the cinema, concert, etc. I know this because she always tell me every time she goes out with him. I don't have a problem with her having a male friend, but the idea of seeing her hangs out frequently (about once every week or two weeks) with other guy seems to bother me. Little jealous, maybe. Probably nothing happens between them, but still. Actually I got mad when once she forgot to reply my SMS when she was with him.

So, if you're in my shoes, what'd you do?

 

[KontrollerX]

Like Tom Leykis says "Dump that b!tch".

Thats what I would do.

And no unless a guy is gay or a girl's brother he's not going to be going out with your girl unless he wants her for himself.

Thats just the way it works.

AFC's will orbit, orbit, orbit and wait for an emotional moment ie maybe a fight between you two and then they will strike and get the girl into bed who they were playing friends with all that time.

You don't like this, you consider it disrespect, you must put a stop to it if you want to have peace of mind.

Some guys will scream oh just let her have a male friend don't be insecure!!!

But its not insecurity.

Insecurity is what you see on those daytime talk shows where the guy doesn't want to let his woman leave the house or he checks the garbage to see what she's throwing away constantly all in an effort to catch her in an imagined act.

Thats true insecurity.

What you are seeing is a guy taking your girl out right in front of your face and it is making you uncomfortable.

It is making you uncomfortable because you don't trust the guy, your girl or both of them and you probably have good reason.

Considering your past posts I don't think you are going to do anything to rock the boat you are so afraid of losing this chick but eventually you are going to lose her anyway because it seems you do not stand up for yourself.

Anyway man thats all I can tell ya.

Sorry for being harsh and maybe I'm completely wrong but thats what I think.

I think you are clinging to a relationship that is making you more frustrated than happy and thats just not the way its supposed to be.

 

[ChapStick]

Like Tom Leykis says "Dump that b!tch".

Thats what I would do.

And no unless a guy is gay or a girl's brother he's not going to be going out with your girl unless he wants her for himself.

Thats just the way it works.

AFC's will orbit, orbit, orbit and wait for an emotional moment ie maybe a fight between you two and then they will strike and get the girl into bed who they were playing friends with all that time.

You don't like this, you consider it disrespect, you must put a stop to it if you want to have peace of mind.

Some guys will scream oh just let her have a male friend don't be insecure!!!

But its not insecurity.

Insecurity is what you see on those daytime talk shows where the guy doesn't want to let his woman leave the house or he checks the garbage to see what she's throwing away constantly all in an effort to catch her in an imagined act.

Thats true insecurity.

What you are seeing is a guy taking your girl out right in front of your face and it is making you uncomfortable.

It is making you uncomfortable because you don't trust the guy, your girl or both of them and you probably have good reason.

Considering your past posts I don't think you are going to do anything to rock the boat you are so afraid of losing this chick but eventually you are going to lose her anyway because it seems you do not stand up for yourself.

Anyway man thats all I can tell ya.

Sorry for being harsh and maybe I'm completely wrong but thats what I think.

I think you are clinging to a relationship that is making you more frustrated than happy and thats just not the way its supposed to be.

I hate to say this.. But I completely agree with you..

 

[lookyoung]

Like Tom Leykis says "Dump that b!tch".

Thats what I would do.

And no unless a guy is gay or a girl's brother he's not going to be going out with your girl unless he wants her for himself.

Thats just the way it works.

AFC's will orbit, orbit, orbit and wait for an emotional moment ie maybe a fight between you two and then they will strike and get the girl into bed who they were playing friends with all that time.

You don't like this, you consider it disrespect, you must put a stop to it if you want to have peace of mind.

Some guys will scream oh just let her have a male friend don't be insecure!!!

But its not insecurity.

Insecurity is what you see on those daytime talk shows where the guy doesn't want to let his woman leave the house or he checks the garbage to see what she's throwing away constantly all in an effort to catch her in an imagined act.

Thats true insecurity.

What you are seeing is a guy taking your girl out right in front of your face and it is making you uncomfortable.

It is making you uncomfortable because you don't trust the guy, your girl or both of them and you probably have good reason.

Considering your past posts I don't think you are going to do anything to rock the boat you are so afraid of losing this chick but eventually you are going to lose her anyway because it seems you do not stand up for yourself.

Anyway man thats all I can tell ya.

Sorry for being harsh and maybe I'm completely wrong but thats what I think.

I think you are clinging to a relationship that is making you more frustrated than happy and thats just not the way its supposed to be.

Great post!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let me throw a gem at you.

 

[wjh]

It is who she is, bro.

And yes, it is jealousy. It's a crappy feeling that gets expressed in very unattractive ways.

I wouldn't dump her, I would befriend more women (plates), and take them out. She should have no problem with that considering what she's doing.

She'll argue with you about it, because women are natural manipulators, but don't let it bother you. Just smile.

Chances are she's either naive about guys or she's aware and enjoys male attention - just as you would enjoy interested female attention.

Like I said, that's who she is. One thing I did when I was a true AFC was assume my LTR/GF at the time was incapable of being attracted or interested in other guys. I would get jealous, mad, upset, when things didn't vibe right or when another guy came into the picture. Instead, now, I simply accept it for who she is and not let it bother me. You can't force her to do something she doesn't want to do. You may be able to talk to her about it, about your jealousy and the problem you have with another guy, but even if you have every right to feel the way you do - you'll come across as weak, insecure, jealous, etc. and she'll be able to tell her girlfriends that (or this guy "friend") and use it against you. It's better to just accept it for who she is and act accordingly.

Don't dump her though just work on your self-esteem/self-concept/confidence/ego and get what you can out of it.

 

[Fela Kuti]

First of all, I want to thank KontrollerX for giving me advices since months ago.

AFC's will orbit, orbit, orbit and wait for an emotional moment ie maybe a fight between you two and then they will strike and get the girl into bed who they were playing friends with all that time.

Yeah, but he's already a friend with her since 2-3 years ago, far before I even knew her. So why didn't he make the move the first time around? And people say that we shouldn't worry about long time male friends. They're already sexless in a girl's eyes.

You don't like this, you consider it disrespect, you must put a stop to it if you want to have peace of mind.

I don't know yet if it's disrespectful or not because she's the type of girl who have so many male friends. Probably more than her female friends.

I think you are clinging to a relationship that is making you more frustrated than happy and thats just not the way its supposed to be.

Actually the ratio of happy and frustrated is still about 80:20, so I won't dump her yet.

 

[wjh]

Obviously I disagree with having such a jealous and reactionary response to some orbiter AFC trying to mack your LTR. She's letting him orbit. She's not innocent in this but that's who she is. She wants an AFC orbiter, maybe to boost her ego. But the point is you can't force someone to change. All you can do is act with the understanding that your LTR likes having dudes around her.

Not all girls are like this, but yours is. She may lack self-esteem, she may be naive.

Think about it - your girlfriend likes having guys to hang out with. There are many reasons why she would, or does. But she does. You can either fight that fact or accept it. But I'll tell you now, fighting it is pointless. It's just going to leave you Frustrated.

 

[Fela Kuti]

It is who she is, bro.

I see what you mean. But if be seen from neutral eyes without considering what she's like, is hanging out with a male friend can be considered disrespectful? Even if she tells you about it.

 

[wjh]

I don't know yet if it's disrespectful or not because she's the type of girl who have so many male friends. Probably more than her female friends.

Now it's glaringly obvious to me what type of girl she is. She enjoys male attention. Guy "friends" typically are AFC orbiters waiting for a prime opportunity to build up the courage and do something about the attraction they feel toward a girl. They'll literally fool themselves into thinking being "friends" will help them get laid. Or they'll have romantic notions of falling in love with her based on some feminine game they play. It's all very AFC but it doesn't diminish the motivation behind their attention.

She basks in it.

Accept it or fight it are your only options. And if you accept it really accept it. No more jealousy or being upset.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...Actually the ratio of happy and frustrated is still about 80:20, so I won't dump her yet.

It's nice to see a guy whose ego hasn't gotten the best of him in a situation which is possibly salvageable. It would be a different thing altogether if she was hiding it from you. However, it wouldn't hurt to ask her why it doesn't seem strange to her to do the things which people who are in a relationship do but doing it with two guys at the same time. It's best to find out her reasoning before making a drastic decision, there's a chance that she could change.

 

[wjh]

I see what you mean. But if be seen from neutral eyes without considering what she's like, is hanging out with a male friend can be considered disrespectful? Even if she tells you about it.

It depends.

Too many variables here.

In and of itself it is not disrespectful. The guy could be literally retarded, or a senior citizen she volunteers to hang out with and play chess with. These are both unlikely but they highlight the fact that in and of itself women with male friends are not necessarily being disrespectful to you.

If I'm dating a girl that really, really loves male attention and is going to hang out with other guys all the time, fine. That's her business. As long as there's no double-standard you can't really be mad.

 

[wjh]

It's nice to see a guy whose ego hasn't gotten the best of him in a situation which is possibly salvageable. It would be a different thing altogether if she was hiding it from you. However, it wouldn't hurt to ask her why it doesn't seem strange to her to do the things which people who are in a relationship do but doing it with two guys at the same time. It's best to find out her reasoning before making a drastic decision, there's a chance that she could change.

IF she was naive.

IF she's aware of WHY guys are giving her this attention and WHY she has so many male friends or WHY these guys are the way they are... Then she's obviously basking in it. She won't change.

 

[Maxtro]

Guy "friends" typically are AFC orbiters waiting for a prime opportunity to build up the courage and do something about the attraction they feel toward a girl. They'll literally fool themselves into thinking being "friends" will help them get laid. Or they'll have romantic notions of falling in love with her based on some feminine game they play. It's all very AFC but it doesn't diminish the motivation behind their attention.

Wow you've pretty much described me perfectly :crazy:

 

[I.A.F.Y.B.]

I don't really have a problem with my girlfriend having guy friends. Because, most the time she wants me to be there with her. (Unless i'm busy) Does she ask you to join her and her friend?

 

[Fela Kuti]

Does she ask you to join her and her friend?

no, she doesn't. I don't want to anyway, as it'd be awkward.

 

[wjh]

It's only awkward because it's obvious they want her and you don't know how to deal with that aspect of your ego.

 

[KontrollerX]

"First of all, I want to thank KontrollerX for giving me advices since months ago."

Ahh twas no problem brother.

"Yeah, but he's already a friend with her since 2-3 years ago, far before I even knew her. So why didn't he make the move the first time around?"

To answer this I must harken back to my AFC days...

As another poster has so expertly pointed out this guy may have an extreme fear of women like I did and find himself too utterly worthless to even hope to get with one in a relationship or have one even like him in that way so he waits, he hopes, he prays that one day she will see him for the prince he believes himself to be and she of course being the princess in his fantasy will make the first move kissing this AFC frog or whatever turning him into a prince in her eyes as well and then they shall live happily ever after.

Of course in his AFC mind to win her over he must be the most loyal unassuming "safe" type of friend she has ever had for her to finally recognize his quality as a relationship candidate.

So to sum up if he hasn't made a move it was most likely because of fear rather than lack of interest.

Or perhaps something else for you to keep in mind...

Maybe just maybe he has made a move on her either in the past or present that she hasn't told you about.

After all there has been plenty of divorced Sosuave members who have sworn to the forum that they never knew there woman was cheating and lying all those years they were married she hid it so well.

Something to keep in mind is the seeming tranquil paradise that is a relationship may simply be a mirage.

"And people say that we shouldn't worry about long time male friends. They're already sexless in a girl's eyes."

Yes.

That is until the girl's emotions are triggered by a fight and the AFC sacks up and makes a move on her or a few gradual ones slowly breaking her down.

"Actually the ratio of happy and frustrated is still about 80:20, so I won't dump her yet."

Well as long as this is the truth I'm happy for you brother but remember the numbers aren't about impressing me or anyone else here on the forum, it should be what you really feel and if this is the truth then thats great but so many of your posts have painted a grim picture surrounding this relationship well you must know that this picture makes many of our conclusions understandable even if it turns out they don't quite apply to your situation in reality...being yet...or ever.

 

[drmeathead]

there are ways you can act and there are ways you can act in a relationship. obviously you feel this is a way a person shouldnt act. her acting this way is and your lack of approval of this is no different than her having some other variable (ie kids, cats, cigs, etc) of which you do not approve.

it is a black and white issue really. stating your feelings in a matter of fact way is the way to go here. you cannot however tell her how to act or what she is or isnt allowed to do. you however are allowed to respond to her actions as you deem apporpriate.

my advice...tell her how her hanging out with this guy makes you feel. leave it at that. i am sure she will justify it somehow. perhaps she will get overly defensive. perhaps she will reafirm you that she loves you and only you. either way tell her "gotcha". drop the issue. if she hangs out with the guy again i would find myself busy for the next day or two afterward, regardless of previous plans the two of you had. repeat this till she figures out that you become distant after she pulls this ****. then she come to the conclusion on her own that she needs to decide what she wants. along the way she will attempt to have her cake and eat it to as she will try to blame you for putting her on the spot to make a choice. play this cool. ok and gotcha work great for this converstion.

good luck. keep us posted.

 

[Answers]

Next time they are going on their "date" why don't you go along with them! Make sure to see how she reacts when you tell her you're going with her and don't act as if you're watching her or not trusting her. Act as if you're going out with 2 friends.

 

[guru1000]

This is quite simple.

How do you FEEL about it?

If it bothers you, ADDRESS IT. Doesn't matter if it is ridiculous or not. This is how you FEEL.

This should have been addressed from DAY 1. Now that you are addressing it after the fact makes you look weak and insecure. Like a little kid who works up the nerve to punch his bully. Either way if this is how you feel, it needs to be addressed. Remember because you are confronting it late, you will come off as insecure. However what matters is laying out the law on your terms and willing to walk away on hers. Better late than never.

"Hey, want to talk to you about your male friend. I know you know him for a while. I am not comfortable with it. You are free to do whatever you want however if it continues, I am done."

Bring her into your frame or walk away.