I need to reinvent myself

[Kerpal]

I am 19 and a freshman in college. I am a very unhappy person. I have no car, no money, no job, no future. I'm doing poorly in school. I have only 2 friends in this town that I hardly ever see, and a couple more that moved away after high school that I never see. I have had one girlfriend in my life, that lasted about 3 months.

I'm very introverted and it's really hard for me to talk to/meet new people unless I'm drunk/high, even typing this out is hard for me. At school I just sit there and do my work and never talk to anyone; it's like I'm a ghost. During the weekends I sit at home. I haven't gone out on the weekend in almost 2 years. I still live with my mom, which isn't that bad, but I don't know anyone around here and I hardly ever leave my house. I am extremely pale and sick looking because I never go outside. I'm getting fat because I haven't done any exercise in over a year and I eat nothing but crap.

I also have gynecomastia, which if you don't know what that is, it's when males grow breast tissue due to a hormonal imbalance at puberty. I have a mild case, so it's not like a have boobs, but I have very big puffy nipples and a little breast tissue, and it's really embarassing. Even typing this out anonymously on an internet message board is hard. And no it is not from being fat, it is due to a hormonal imbalance at puberty that a lot of guys get, but 99% of the time it goes away within a few months, but I got ****ed and I'm stuck with it.

Because of it, I can't wear light colored tshirts and I'm always grabbing my shirt and pulling it away from my body to try to hide it. I also have horrible posture because I always walk with my shoulders stooped forward to try to hide it. Forget taking my shirt off in front of people, I haven't done that in years. I failed all my PE classes in high school because I didn't want to take my shirt off in front of people.

This condition can be corrected with surgery, but it is pretty expensive (~$5,000-$8,000) and I can't afford that. I could get my parents to help me afford it but I'm too embarassed to bring it up with them. Before anyone says this, no it can not be fixed by exercising, I've had it since I was 13. About a year and a half ago I started working out every day like crazy until I was too sore to drive home, and I still had it when I was below 10% body fat.

Lately I have been in a major depression and have even contemplated suicide. Depression runs in my family and my uncle committed suicide when he was my age. The only thing that has stopped me is that I don't want to hurt my family.

I have not left my bedroom in 4 days. I just stopped going to classes and have all but officially dropped out of school. These are supposed to be "the best years of your life" and I am miserable. I have no reason to get out of bed in the morning.

I talked to my dad today and he wants me to withdraw from school and move in with him (parents are divorced, he lives in another state), get a job and work for a few months and try to get into school there next semester.

This would be like a fresh start for me. I don't know anyone there but I don't know anyone here either. There is a gym down the street from his house that I can use. I can get away from this town and the bad memories I have here and focus on the future instead of dwelling in the past. I also really need to work up the nerve to talk to someone about my gynecomastia and get it corrected.

I don't know why I'm typing this here. I've been lurking here for a few years and there is a lot of good advice to be found here. I really needed to try to get this off my chest, even if it's just on a message board. Maybe someone here has advice for me, I don't know. I read the bible a couple years ago and I'm re reading it now, maybe there is some inspiration to be found in it.

 

[DJStudent]

I'm glad that you posted it here. Sometimes it's hard to do tell people secrets like that but it's definately a good thing that you did.

As far as the whole issue about gynecomastia, try and overcome that as much as possible. I can't say that I understand what you're going through but conquering that obstibcle will be a major leap towards your new future.

I suggest you do move in with your dad. Get out of the town and get a new start. Also your dad can be a great help to your character. He will show you more of what you have been looking for. Even if he might be your ideal, just have another guy to understand you helps a lot.

I would be more worried about getting a few good guy friends first before I even bother with girls. Bros before hoes.

 

[uzio]

Let me say it this way.

You are miserable, because - one way or the other you want to be.

It may not be a consious choice, but it is a state you have put yourself by yourself, and it is a state you are keeping yourself by yourself.

This is called "secondary benefits from disease" - in your case, your depression is an excuse for low confidence, lack of friends and general things you consider yourself a failure in.

Even if you are clinically depressed (which is a condition that needs medication) it is your choice to leave it untreated.

BTW - I am also an introvert and I also was miserable some time ago. All that I can tell you from my experience.

Problems are to be solved, not mourned over. If you say "I can't" then you already lost.

Besides - nothing is impossible, unless physics says otherwise. If physics has no objections - then everything is just a matter of invested energy.

 

[Spookey]

check PM's

if you want to succeed in your life, remember this phrase: the past does not equal the future. Because you failed yesterday; or all day today; or a moment ago; or for the last six months; the last sixteen years; or the last fifty year of life, doesn’t mean anything… all that matters is: what are you doing to do, right now?
– Anthony Robbins

live it

 

[rascal]

Glad you posted here my friend. It seems the biggest problem you have is with your condition. Luckily it is a condition reversible by surgery. I would'nt worry too much about it though. Here is the course of action i would take:


a) Talk to your parents and get a loan from them $5000-$8000 is nothing and you can pay that off in a year with a part time job.

b) Remember your mental health is worth much more than $5000-$8000. Tell your parents how you have been feeling, they are your parents they WILL understand.

c) if you can't get a loan, raise the money yourself. If you were willing to work in the gym till exhaustion.
You'll be willing to work 60 hour weeks. You'll raise the money in no time.

Good luck, I hope you repost and tell us what happened.

 

[El MonoLoco]

I am 19 and a freshman in college

Hey you're doin better than most people

At school I just sit there and do my work and never talk to anyone; it's like I'm a ghost

You're a ghost because you never talk to anyone. If you become more curious about things you will talk to more people and they will regognize you for that.

I don't know anyone around here and I hardly ever leave my house

There is a big a** world out there man you aren't gonna ever meet anyone if you don't go outside. The internet is an ok place to meet people.....but I'm sorry to say this bro the real world is better by far.

I am extremely pale and sick looking because I never go outside. I'm getting fat because I haven't done any exercise in over a year and I eat nothing but crap.

You know what you have to do to fix this, No one should have to tell you about this. You have already said why this is and how you can fix it.

I also have gynecomastia, which if you don't know what that is, it's when males grow breast tissue due to a hormonal imbalance at puberty. I have a mild case, so it's not like a have boobs, but I have very big puffy nipples and a little breast tissue, and it's really embarassing. Even typing this out anonymously on an internet message board is hard. And no it is not from being fat, it is due to a hormonal imbalance at puberty that a lot of guys get, but 99% of the time it goes away within a few months, but I got ****ed and I'm stuck with it.

Read this article and hopefully it will explain a little more

Man with TigoBitties

But really I wouldn't let that get you down too much. I know it can be rather difficult esp. since you have it ingrained in your brain that it is a bad thing. Hell I'm missing 2 toes man and I don't let it slow me down one bit. It's all in your head about how you think people will perceive you. Check this site out......The Art of Happiness I've read the first book like 5 times and it really helped me overcome some serious depression, which by the looks of it you could really use.

I have not left my bedroom in 4 days. I just stopped going to classes and have all but officially dropped out of school. These are supposed to be "the best years of your life" and I am miserable. I have no reason to get out of bed in the morning.

YES YOU DO!!!!!!! It's called school and it is the last thing you should be skipping out on. Having a higher education will only open more and more doors for you kid. If there is anything I would recommend for you right now is to concentrate on school.



Moving in with our Dad seems like a good idea as long as you keep your focus on school. Taking a couple of months off is ok but you have to get back to it. Keeping busy is going to help you kick that depression. I recommend keeping with your workouts. Get your mind and body to a comfortable place and the rest will work out in the long run. There is no quick fix for what you're going through. I hate to say that but it's true. You are on the right path to self discovery and just getting how you feel off your chest was the right move. You'd be suprised how many people go though life keeping everything boxed up inside and it kills them. Literally any extra stress on ones life will actually lower your life expectancy, esp. depression.

I think rascal hit it right on the nose about your parents and your condition. If anyone else in the world can understand what you're going through it's them. Weighing the cost of the operation over your own happiness shouldn't be that difficult. Is having the surgury going to make you any happier?What about the cost?Is it going to cause more problems in the long run than its worth?Can your condition be fixed with medication?

Or on the flip side you could use it to your advantage.......
Everyone loves boobs....men women children.....I don't know anyone who doesn't like boobs.......I mean we all have to suck on one when we are babies so it's like second nature for us. Here's a quote from that article

The only reason Martha gets attention is because she has boobs,’” recalls Zembic. “‘And if I had them, I’d get just as much attention. Even more. Because the whole world revolves around boobs.’”

This guy is total exception to your situation but I hope you understand where I'm coming from here. And don't be so down man life only gets better from here......

 

[boulepiquante]

TRY TO GET A SUMMER JOB WHETEVER JOB
then you ll learn to mix with people a become more sociable
THE FIRST STEP S ALWAYS DIFFICULT
YOU DO THAT AND YOU REPORT TO US!!!!!
we ll encourage you and help u out of your predicament

 

[Kerpal]

Yes I agree I need to take care of the gyno. But I am having serious trouble bringing it up with my mom. It's a very embarassing thing to talk about.

 

[El MonoLoco]

Hey you brought it up to thousands of strangers kid......I think you can bring it up to the person who brought you into this world.......


But really you should be focusing all your efforts into everything else, school,$, etc.....the boob thing will get taken care of eventually. You've got a long time to deal with that. Baby steps man Baby steps.....



I have faith in you!

 

[organizedconfusion]

i have had the same type of depression for the last six years, i never left my room , i pretty much shunned society ,people, relationships and everything i wanted in my life i either pushed it away or i spited it and pretended i didn't want it. The only way i could get over my insecurities and my depression (as well as a horrendous social anxitey disorder) was to just get out there and face it. Just 'do it', i realised for me personaly that it was worse then it really seemed and the thoughts itself were frightening-NOT the actual experiance itself and the repetition of the thoughts was the thing that braught me down, it was a vicious cycle.. i'd just dwell the entire day away and i was always stuck inside my head- the only i learned how to get over myself was to literly pull myself out of my head and into the world.

The first thing i did was instead of fearing what i was scared of, i accepted it and i faced it head on-i just did it, whatever it is that it may be. Social anxiety for an example, i learned by forcing myself into the situations where i was most uncomfortable and working through it- just plowing through and feeling whatever feelings that arose, once you realize that it's not that scary- in time you gain confidence.

look , everyone has their issues- but you know what? listen to me- NOBODY CARES!!! THATS RIGHT , NOBODY CARES BECAUSE WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN ISSUES- NO ONE IS PERFECT, THERE WAS ONE MAN THAT WAS PERFECT AND HE WAS CRUCIFIED


you go out in public and see everyone , and you can be rest assured everyone has issues, but choose to deal with them differently- i go out to the mall just to watch people, the way they walk the way they carry themselves looking for nervous tics and so forth..no one is perfect! And once you realize that no one cares the better you'll be. You see a big fat happy lady , or a girl with a big nose and glasses or that whatever- well unless they are completly repulsive- are you really gonna remember them? of course not...who cares? NOBODY DOES!

you should'nt be soo concerned about having b*tch t*ts or whatever and be more concerned about being soo self-centered *it's alot easier to deal with...


anyways, do what you gotta do, i read an awesome tip in another thread about being a man- it's facing and your fears and conquering them , i think it was. Anyways, it's not that bad- the issues you are going through, i bet there are millions of people with the exact same if not worse issue, you aren't alone dude. Just plow on through and you'll be fine. No one is gonna notice your man boobs unless you bring attention to them and no one really cares, the only thing people REALLY care about is how you treat them and how you make them feel, nothing else matters IMO.

as far as meeting people and going out? just go out, theres nothing to be afraid of dude- i used to be the same way also, but once i just got out there...it was a real eye opener, this is what i was afraid of? it's nothing, nobody even notices me- nobody even cares ,one time i just stood in one places and started flaing my arms and making faces in a crowed cafe...did anyone stop? no.. nobody cared at all. i made it even an effort to just go to every store the mall and ask questions, eventually i just started talking like it was normal to me.

i used to think that my guy friends were a$$holes, but in reality- thats just how guys are. And the only way we would handle sh*t would be to sock eachother in the arm and tell eachother to quit being a lil b*tch! No one is gonna hold your hand dude, you sometimes gotta grab the bull by it's horns and take her down. Life is tough but you sometimes gotta be tougher eventhough you are scared sh*tless ,f*ck it- do it anyways! now don't go off and get killed or anything, all i am saying is that you just gotta plow on through sometimes. :cheer: having no friends can be tough because theres no one to cheer you on or help you when you are down- but that's the time for the most growth to take place i learned, because when you are able to 'father yourself'(take action,do whats right) and 'mother yourself'(love,nurture), you become independent and able to take care of your own a$$ when theres no one around.

as far as i gyno thing, do what you can (diet,excersize) then see what the options are to recorrect it.Being fat and having gyno is always worse then being fit and having gyno IMO, because theres alot less fat tissue to be sucked out if you do decide on surgery,and the lean mass should (should) hopefully balance out the hormones that cause it.

 

[Spookey]

Originally posted by Kerpal
Yes I agree I need to take care of the gyno. But I am having serious trouble bringing it up with my mom. It's a very embarassing thing to talk about.

dude, shes not blind (well i dont know, is she?? ) she will be able to see your man boob, stop avoiding the problem and confront it. its your mum, like shes going to run away screaming after you talk to her. suck it in and do something

 

[Kerpal]

Well I did it... I just grabbed my balls and told her. I didn't tell her how much it bothered me because I didn't want to make her feel bad, I just told her it's been bothering me for a couple years and I want to see a doctor. Now I feel like an idiot for not telling her sooner

That's OK though, no point in dwelling on the past. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted

 

[Kerpal]

I wanted to update this... it's been a few months and I live with my dad now, I went on anti depressants for a few months, they definitely made a huge difference, but just stopped taking them a couple of weeks ago, just needed something to get me over that hump. I've started lifting weights and am getting into better shape, I got into the college I wanted to go to and I start classes in a week (summer session), and I got a job here where I've met a few cool people, still don't know many people in town, but I'm pretty happy so far. Things are 1000X better than they were. Most of you probably don't care, but this may be inspirational to someone who is having a hard time right now.

 

[akeith90]

Hey man. I too have gynecomastia. Mine stick out maybe .5-1 cm, so mine are pretty mild, but I still have them. I'm only 15, but I'm well done with puberty, so I know they're not going away any time soon.

I'm in athletics, and you should know how 15 yr old guys are. They pick on pretty much everything. From flab, to being too skinny, and everything else. I've been picked on for my nipples occasionally, but I just blow them off. They'll say somethin like "Dude, I can see your nipples through your shirt." I just say "Yah so?" or "Yah I know" like I don't even care. And frankly...they stop caring too. You can't let it bug you man. I know it may seem like it's a major issue and everything, but it's not. When you wear somewhat tight shirts, just wear another shirt under it. It'll pretty much block your nipples from poking out. If you go out to a pool or something, just stand tall man. People won't even care about it if you don't care about it. Stop slouching. Stick out your chest. Screw what everyone else thinks or says. You can't control it (besides surgery) so you shouldn't worry about it. I can't remember the thread name, or who wrote it (sorry bout that) but it basically said to not worry about ANYTHING you can't control. Like if you're short (hypothetically) to not worry about it. But if you can control anything that is wrong in your life, you should worry about it. Heck, my best friend has extremely poky nipples. Not like ours, but the nipples themself are poky, but the areola and everything is perfectly normal. He gets made fun of occasionally, but he doesn't care because he can't control it. People only bug him about it if they just wanna bug him some, but other than that, nobody cares.

I'm hopin you get what I'm trying to say. Just...don't worry about it man. You just have to convince yourself that it truly isn't that bad. Because it isn't.

 

[Kerpal]

The double shirt thing doesn't work for me, my case is kinda bad, especially since I'm thin and since I've been lifting weights, they stick out even more because of the added muscle. And I haven't been to a pool in like 8 years. But you're right, until I save up enough money for the surgery there's nothing I can do about it, so there's no point in worrying about it.

 

[luckless]

I had gynecomastia and I talked to my parents about it. fortunately they were understanding and had the money to help me. I had surgery to remove it when I was 17. I highly recomment that you do what you need to to have this done ASAP. It wasn't that bad, i don't remember a thing from the time they stuck the anasthetic in me to the time I woke up. It was like no time had even past, like I didn't exist for the time they were operating. I had to go back a couple of times to have fluid drained and removed the bandage, but other than that it was no big deal, and it felt like a 10 ton weight had been lifted when I had it done, and I could even take my shirt off in pe once the incision scars healed. i am still dealing with the emotional baggage, I did not even try to date for that time and because of that I am still a virgin and don't know how to deal with women, but I think the sooner you get this taken care of the sooner you will begin to heal, both physically and emotionally. At least it is easily taken care of, unlike many other deformaties that people are stuck with.