I need some advice on this girl please

[B-Real]

I've spoke of this girl before in past threads. I've known the gal for about 8 months. We've dated, we've broke up, we've dated, and broke up some more. She's really special to me and she's the only one whom I would ever consider the "right" girl for me.

But I'm getting sick and tired of the way she is. She has a job that requires her to go back home (we're from the same town and both in college at seperate universities) on the weekends. She told me she has another guy whom she's "talking" to at work. She stays the night and parties there and then goes into work the next morning. She works at a whitewater outpost.

She has always told me I'm the one she wants to end up with in the greater scheme of things, but she wants to have fun and flirt around while she's still young.

In a sense I wanna say ok to this because I'm gonna flirt around too but another side of me thinks this is not right. I told her earlier on the phone that as long as she has this other guy not to talk to me. Her response was "ok I'll call ya in a few weeks". I'm guessing this means she's gonna get rid of him when the rafting season ends?

We live an hour apart. Should I keep her around and attempt to go see her? She won't come and see me so I don't think I need to make no special effort to see her.

I'm really confused on this situation and would appreciate any advice on this matter. Feel free to tear it to shreds.

 

[drak_ool]

oh man... where do i start?

You ve been a member since '05, so I ve bet you ve seen about 953 posts about situations similar to yours.... guy is really into the girl, he feels she s the one for him, girl is too busy to hang out with him, but in the same time she has time for other guys...

And what is the advice 90% of people give? MOVE ON, NEXT HER! But of course, most guys already knew this, yet they somehow hoped that someone will tell them the "secret method" of turning the situation around. Unfortunately, when a girl disrespects you in this way, it is very hard to make her change the way she sees you, at least in the near future.

Just forget about her for now, go back to looking for other chicks, and who knows what will happen down the road? (most probably you ll forget about her, while realizing that she wasn't the "right" girl for you)

 

[Charlie Gordon]

Finally! Someone's been coming to these forums and listening to the advice.

And unfortunately for you that someone is your lady friend.


You are 22 and you've got to decide what you want in a relationship.

Wait, let me be annoying and use all capital letters for emphasis... you gotta decide what YOU want out of a relationship.

It sounds like you're ready to propose to this girl (humor me) and she can't remember the name of the guy she was partying with the other night. There is obvious incompatibility. You can play her game or stick to the one that feels right for you. I'm not gonna tell you to rebel and go screw ten other women, but I'm gonna tell you that if you're looking for a monogamous relationship then she is probably not the one.

This girl sounds like she's an absolute roller coaster ride. I miss chasing women like this. I miss the thrill and the passion. I've had my fair share of heartbreak and I welcome the nostalgia and quickened pulse that accompany reading a story like yours.

She only FEELS right for you because you're crazy about her and you enjoy chasing her. Next to falling in love, the chase is the greatest thing in life. And you can even make an argument that the chase is more powerful. You think that there could be nothing better than the relief of having her come back to you as a good little girl that never strays... but that relief would be short-lived. You'd have to get to know her even better than you know her already and, quite possibly, determine that she's not the person you once thought she was.

But what do I know?

She wants to end up with you in the scheme of things? I could write an essay on this mentality. At least she is honest. She's young. She wants to screw around and have adventures while she's young. She doesn't want to be stuck in a relationship. You're not hitting her emotional buttons and she has too much momentum to stop.

Look, it sounds like she's messing around with this other guy and that the two of you don't get to see one another very often these days.

Don't wait for her to see the light. Might not happen for several years... and you could be married to someone else by then.

 

[Igetit!]

I agree with you Drak_ool. I call this the "spare tire" syndrome. She's treating you like a spare tire,man. She doesn't want to use you,she just want to keep you around just in case. What gets me is the ease with which she said,"Ok,I'll call you in a few weeks". As if she expects you to just sit around not dating other people,and wait for her while she goes off running around with other guys. It's obvious that she takes you for granted. My guess is that is probably why the two of you have been so on again,off again.
That relationship must have been awful. Usually when one partner takes the other for granted,the one getting taken for granted gets mistreated in the relationship. But hey,as long as you are happy,that's all that matters

 

[Mr. Me]

We've dated, we've broke up, we've dated, and broke up some more. She's really special to me and she's the only one whom I would ever consider the "right" girl for me.

The "right" girl wouldn't be continually breaking up with you.

A girl that breaks up with you is someone who doesn't value the relationship. Women value relationships, they don't look to terminate them. But they can terminate the ones they don't care about losing.

She knows that you'll take her back. So, you've trained her to abuse you. She can even tell you that she's partying all night with who knows who and you're still there for her. Not good!

She told me she has another guy whom she's "talking" to at work. She stays the night and parties there

When a woman mentions another guy to you, it's over, dude. It means she doesn't care if showing you her interest in another man will hurt you, and it means that she's so interested in the new guy that that's who she's thinking about so much that she has to talk about it.

You think she ever mentioned you to him while she's busy "partying" with him all night?

The "right" girl would not be partying with other men.

She has always told me I'm the one she wants to end up with in the greater scheme of things, but she wants to have fun and flirt around while she's still young.

Means "I want to keep you on the back burner for me to land on just in case I ever need to, but not that I intend to, while I f#ck other guys".

In a sense I wanna say ok to this because I'm gonna flirt around too but another side of me thinks this is not right.

Here I'm going to explain why it's not OK.

If you intend to flirt around, that's a measure of your commitment to her (not that I'm saying you shouldn't be meeting new women). Likewise, her flirting around is a measure of her commitment to you. But what's more important in this case? Answer: her commitment to you. So to give her justification to flirt because you intent to flirt, is you rationalizing her behavior.

The "right" girl would not be flirting with other men.

I told her earlier on the phone that as long as she has this other guy not to talk to me. Her response was "ok I'll call ya in a few weeks". I'm guessing this means she's gonna get rid of him when the rafting season ends?

No, that meant: "Okay. I'm not going to get rid of this guy so I guess we won't be speaking for a while. maybe I'll call you in a few weeks because, hey, I got you wrapped around my little finger and you'll be there when I want you to be there."

The "right" girl would not want to lose you and would choose to do what it takes to keep you rather than have her cake and eat it too.

I'm really confused

No kidding! I feel bad for you. You're too attached to this one and you really have to let her go. She's not the right one. And you're holding yourself up from finding the right girl by being involved with this one.

You're confused because your senses are telling you different things. Your mind is telling you she's bad news, your heart is fighting against that, as hearts often do. The heart is strong, but deceptive. Listen to your head.

 

[CFERD]

I'd listen to to MR. Me....excellent insight and advice. I'd welcome knowing the girl I got sucked into was seeing another guy, I'd be so done. I should be listening to my head too....where do you see yourself in a month, two, around the holidays? Pining for this girl or having a few months of moving on under your belt.

 

[B-Real]

Thanks to all you guys!! I really need to move on. I feel better about it today cause I did cold approach and got a number and I chatted up a few girls on the side while standing in line at lunch.

I think the more I go out and realize that THERE ARE other girls out there it makes it not so bad.

But I do know that this girl will try and call me and she did!! She called me last night after I made this post. She told me that I need to simmer down and quit worrying so much and that I am gonna wait on her but I just don't realize it.

This girl really thinks she has me wrapped (subconsciously she does) but I'm not gonna answer her phone calls anymore. I really wanna make this girl realize that I'm not to be taken for granted and that I will get other girls. I feel like thats the only way to get her off my mind.

I just wish it wasn't so darn hard. I need an easy button.

 

[shaunuk]

Jesus christ, she really does have a nerve. She rang you up and basically said, "hehe don't worry darling, you're my little puppy dog, you really are gonna wait around being celibate for me until I finish fvcking other guys".

If you have any sense this should've p1ssed you off no end mate. forget about a relationship with her man. DON'T try to prove any of that shyt to her. MOVE ON NOW. Don't answer any calls, txts or whatever from her. It'll get easier

 

[B-Real]

I'm not gonna try anymore. It didn't dawn on me thats how she's treating me. I texted her after she called me and told her not to be calling me anymore. So far no response. Like you said shaunuk, it'll get easier.

 

[shaunuk]

good, draw a line under it now and be glad you're rid of her with no damage done!!