I need serious help...

[GreeneyedBeast83]

I'm 29 and have chronic bad luck with women. I used to visit this site way back when I was in HS and college but was a virgin until I was 21 so I didn't use the advice much at the time. Since I was 21, I've engaged in numerous one night stands with mostly women I wasn't attracted to and still have never been in a relationship. EVER.

I'm 6'3 and a half and only 165-170 lbs, still not very outgoing and kind of a homebody. I'm on POF and generally attract pigs and dogs. The few attractive ones that look at my profile usually don't respond to my messages. But about 6 months ago, a cute girl who's 23 contacted me and we started talking. I was out of town doing some work but we talked for a few weeks and seemed to really connect. When we finally met, I walked right up to her and kissed her on the lips. During the few hours we hung out (at Chili's and then we walked around the college where she works) we seemed to be at ease with each other made out quite a few times with her initiating some of it and also kissed goodnight. At the end of the night, I was convinced that we would definitely see each other again.

Afterward, however, I called her and sent her messages on Facebook and she suddenly seemed distant. Her aloofness, of course, caused me to try even harder for her attention. She said she was attracted to me but said she just had a lot going on. She never called me back again but over the next 4 or 5 months, I sent her messages here and there to say hi or say something funny in response to her statuses. And she mostly responded by laughing and was always friendly so even though I wasn't really pursuing her, I didn't want to completely give up on her or delete her.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I told her I would be in town for the week and that we should meet up. She said she was going to be working 14 days in a row but I suggested we just meet up for a few drinks after she got off one night. She seemed pretty into the idea and we agreed to meet on a monday night. Well, monday came and she ended up saying that she was sorry but had to work late and couldn't make it but that any other day I was free would be good. So I told her we could meet the next night and she seemed glad that it would work out. I told her to message me if anything changed. Early the next day she messaged me saying that she had to work ridiculously long hours that day and the next and that she really wanted to see me but couldn't because she needed sleep. So I didn't get a chance to see her at all before leaving and a few days ago, she changed her status to "in a relationship with...". I took it that she probably didn't meet up with me because she was talking to him. So I sent her a message and congratulated her and told her that I "just wished I had played my cards better when I had a chance". She said I'm fantastic, always make her smile, and that I would find someone. I replied yesterday, asking what pushed her away romantically and that if I understand my mistakes, maybe I won't have to repeat them. She hasn't read it yet but maybe I'll get some honest feedback from a woman...probably not but maybe. lol

I'm so ****ing sick of sabotaging everything. I feel like all those times in the past when I told myself I'd never find anyone have become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think I'm pretty good at saying the right things and getting a girl interested but something always happens. I feel like a confident beast one moment and then all that doubt and insecurity comes sneaking up on me again and ruins everything. This latest disappointment has me vowing to never settle for a girl who doesn't look at least as good as this girl and I've started working out again. I've never been more charming or better looking than I am right now and I'm tired of seeing some other guy or just people in general having the time of MY life. It should never be this hard to find someone. Does anyone else on here feel like you're attractive and have great qualities but that in spite of them you're always inevitably alone? Also, if anyone else is on plentyofpigs or just has a take on any of the stuff I've been ranting about, that would be great. lol Apologies for being longwinded.

 

[GreeneyedBeast83]

Another thing to add is that we were calling each other "baby" and she expressed quite a bit that she liked me as we talked pretty extensively and had a few naughty conversations. Our date seemed to be an extension of that so I almost died of disbelief when she grew distant. Oh well.

 

[rgeere]

POF is a load of crap. Its full of women who want to fvck and if you come off like a man who isn't horny they will friendzone you and make excuses not to see you. I think you were just too slow and you probably didn't start acting like you were going to fvck her fast enough. And don't talk dirty with a woman unless you follow through with escalation. They will assume you are chicken and NEXT!!! She wanted a fvck buddy.

And women will often put a relationship status on their profiles to hide their sexual activity and from slow men. I know that for a fact because I have seen women do it when they have found someone to show up in the middle of the night. They'll say something like "Hey, I'm going to stop using facebook/myspace/twitter, etc. for such and such a time", change their relationship status and have mad sex with you and expect you to keep it up exactly like that. And they want you to be fast in telling them you want to fvck around. All you have to do is send a message and say "Let's go now!" and that's about all you'll say to one another. And they will ignore messages that they get from slow men when they have found a fvck buddy they can stick with.

 

[The Gambler]

The long-distance thing is a huge problem.... A major strike against you there, which isn't anyone's fault. And for whatever reason, her interest level dropped off a cliff after you two met in person. It doesn't mean you are repulsive or did anything wrong! Sometimes, the chemistry just isn't there on both sides (even if you think things went well, maybe it just wasn't at the "fireworks" level for her).

You sound like you have a great, observant head on your shoulders and will do very well after re-reading some of the wisdom posted here over the years. One thing in particular is that you should never be a woman's doormat after she's found someone else. We would all love to get explanations from women about the choices they've made, but since they won't tell you the truth anyway, just don't ask.

Relax, refresh, regroup! Get back up before the ten-count and rekindle your own personal value. You bring a wealth of assets to those around you. Living a full, satisfying life has a magnetic effect on those around you (especially women). Oh... and bulk up a little!

The Gambler

 

[JimmyBizzle]

6 billion women on this planet brother. She wasn't for you. Just keep working on your life and on improving yourself and the right girls will be right in front of you before you know it. Just keep goin after them.

""you miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky" -Michael Scott

 

[Mike32ct]

You are blessed at 6'3" man. Just have to properly leverage your assets.

1. Get a really cool haircut. This is critical. I'm serious, height and hair is a POWERFUL combo.

2. Tone up if you haven't already. A tall guy can get away with being skinny if he's lean and toned.

3. Be more aggresive. Most girls in their lower 20s want quick action first, relationships later.

 

[Greasy Pig]

You allowed yourself to be put in the friend zone. It sounds like you really are a nice guy. The kind of guy who girls love to have as a friend.
Drop the "but I'm just a nice guy, why won't chicks like me for who I am?" attitude.
I used to be like that. Makes me sick just thinking about it.
Time to man up, don't ever be afraid to offend a woman and always be escalating.
Work on your arsehole game and try to improve your confidence.
As I said, my success with women improved 100-fold once I dropped the nice guy facade and challenged women to compete for my attention.

You asking this unworthy bytch what you did wrong should be the last AFC thing you ever do. Draw a line in the sand and force yourself to quickly, coldly and efficiently move on from a woman who shows such disinterest.
Good luck OP!

 

[GreeneyedBeast83]

Thanks, guys. I think you hit the nail on the head. Although I was feeling her ass up when we were making out and it seemed pretty hot, I should've been the man***** I usually am and turned the heat up more. Any other time I ALWAYS escalate the situation and express myself in a very sexual way (which I did to a great extent when I was kissing her). We seemed to both be practicing a little restraint but thinking about it now, I should've just gone for the gusto. And I understand the games that women play to some extent but judging by the pics/statuses/her own word of mouth, she really is in a relationship. I have started working out again but as for the hair, I've always hated it because I like it short but don't look good like that because of the shape of my head and my funny ears. So I'm growing it out and probably will let the sideburns grow too, although I usually end up cutting it because I think it looks lame. On POF, my basic message usually is "Hi there. Your profile really caught my eye (actually both of them). You seem intriguing and fun and look really stunning in the pics. What are you up to, anything exciting?" doesn't usually get a response from the attractive ones. But that could just be because they don't think I'm good looking enough. I think I have a really innocent face that makes me look younger and sort of harmless. You be the judge... http://www.pof.com/viewprofile.aspx?profile_id=46778910. Appreciate the feedback!

 

[GreeneyedBeast83]

Thanks, guys. I think you hit the nail on the head. Although I was feeling her ass up when we were making out and it seemed pretty hot, I should've been the man***** I usually am and turned the heat up more. Any other time I ALWAYS escalate the situation and express myself in a very sexual way (which I did to a great extent when I was kissing her). We seemed to both be practicing a little restraint but thinking about it now, I should've just gone for the gusto. I've always avoided being friends with women, contrary to others advice that it's good to be friends with them. I always feel like if I'm not the one doing them, then we can't be friends. And I understand the games that women play to some extent but judging by the pics/statuses/her own word of mouth, she really is in a relationship. I have started working out again but as for the hair, I've always hated it because I like it short but don't look good like that because of the shape of my head and my funny ears. So I'm growing it out and probably will let the sideburns grow too, although I usually end up cutting it because I think it looks lame. On POF, my basic message usually is "Hi there. Your profile really caught my eye (actually both of them). You seem intriguing and fun and look really stunning in the pics. What are you up to, anything exciting?" doesn't usually get a response from the attractive ones. But that could just be because they don't think I'm good looking enough. I think I have a really innocent face that makes me look younger and sort of harmless. I would post the link to my profile but don't think I'm allowed to. Appreciate the feedback!

 

[GreeneyedBeast83]

Another thing...I'm not really the jealous type but it's no surprise that this guy she's with is more handsome/prettier than I am. So that's why I feel like I have to get with someone at least as good looking as she is...I just want to show people that I can. But it seems a lot harder unless you've got a perfectly symmetrical face and it's disheartening when you're a guy that's never been with anyone longer than a few ****-a-thons. lol

 

[rgeere]

Your problem then is not in the sexual department so much as she may have felt that she did not get to know you enough. Women feel connected to men that they know. In that case you need to illicit more comfort, though. Comfort is what keeps her around. This is not the same thing as being her friend. You actually need to become more direct with the women you are chasing.

Do you know anything about the mystery method?

ATTRACTION: (Is she already interested or not?)
- If Not Immediately Interested Indirect Opener with Social Proofing.
- If Immediately Interested Direct Opener and To the Point.
A1 - Intro -----------> Direct or Indirect Approach, with Friends or Alone?
A2 - Female Interest -> Elicit Female Indicators of Interest
A3 - Male Interest ---> Reward Female with Indicators of Interest
---------------------> Social Hook Point Reached
COMFORT: (Does she need romance or direction?)
- If Romance Bait Her with a Good Time, Get to Know Each Other
- If Direction Tell Her what to Do, Get to Know Each Other
C1 - Game Time -----> Play Fun Games with Her, Magic Tricks, Puzzles, Etc.
C2 - Location -------> Move Her Around Give Her Things To Do
C3 - Seduction -----> Tell Stories, Connect, Sexual Vibe
---------------------> Connection Established
OPPOSITION: (Is She Fast or Slow?)
- Slow Girls Kino to Death, Do not Act as Interested In Sex, Bait Her to Lust.
- Fast Girls Be More Direct, Tell Them You Want Sex, Then Kino to Death.
S1 - Kino, Voice, Touch ---- > Make Her Want To By Encouragement
S2 - Objections, Resistance -> Make Her Want To By Guiding Her
S3 - Sexual Fulfillment ------> Be Good At It And You Get More of It

 

[The Gambler]

"Hi there. Your profile really caught my eye (actually both of them). You seem intriguing and fun and look really stunning in the pics. What are you up to, anything exciting?"

I'm not a dating site expert, but change this up a bit. Say something specific about one of her pictures, like "Really like your beach shot.... I'll have to tell you about the time a shark almost bit my arm off!" or "How long have you been a skier?" Something that implies you have a common interest, and that you actually took the time to write a personal response. Mention something about one of the books she listed, or TV shows she watches. The point here, when you establish common interests, is to make her feel comfortable with you and advance right past the "stranger" stage.

Also keep an eye out in the real world. Many guys here think POF is a waste of time, and they make a pretty strong case.

The Gambler

 

[GreeneyedBeast83]

It's interesting that you mention the comfort thing. I really felt like we were very comfortable and there weren't any awkward moments the whole night. And we had quite a few phone conversations before meeting. But maybe you're right...I guess I let her talk too much and maybe she didn't come away from the date with enough info about me to make her think about me and I just didn't sell her on me well enough. I felt like the physical and mental connection was there but out of all the women I've ever met I think this one has puzzled me the most. But perhaps you're right on the money with the connection/comfort aspect. I never really paid attention to the mystery method and have kind of just learned (or not learned) things over time. I'm always pretty direct and have a hard time being subtle anyway so I'm not sure what my real problem is. Of course, she read my message and isn't going to tell me anything about where I went wrong as expected. I realize womankind is just like that. I think I should've just been even naughtier when talking to her that night maybe...who knows? She seemed willing to meet up a few weeks ago but I think she was talking to this guy already and decided against it. There may have still been potential there but I guess I'll never know for sure. She seemed like a fast girl but it didn't seem like she was going to give it up the first night. Thanks, RGeere. I think I probably need to read the mystery method...a friend of mine kept telling me I should read it like 4 years ago and I ignored the suggestion.

 

[GreeneyedBeast83]

Thanks, Gambler. I think you're right on the money. I guess I just send the same old message to save time and sometimes these women really don't offer much info on their profiles. But that's great advice...I should really try to find more specifics, anything at all that I can use to build rapport. It sucks that I feel like I connected with this last girl and think I'm good at connecting but I guess I always find a way to sabotage things when they're going well. Appreciate the advice.

 

[The Gambler]

Keep in mind that there will be times where things just don't work out.... and it will have NOTHING to do with you doing anything wrong. It is what it is. Other times, it won't work out because you truly stepped in it.... And you'll probably know if you really stepped in it.

If you're trying to dissect every little thing you did or said, and are left wondering if some small detail caused her to flake, then it's probably just a case of her moving along through no fault of your own. If a girl is really interested in you, she'll accept the fact you are human and not the perfect Don Juan all the time.

Even though it may seem the two of you were in contact for a long time, it wasn't really a relationship yet. Some other guy showed up at the right place and time, and the rest is history. Don't be so hard on yourself.... I can already tell you have your act together and this'll be in the rearview sooner than later.

 

[GreeneyedBeast83]

Yeah, I have to say you're right on, Gambler. I'm glad I came on here and got some more perspective on things. The only part where you're wrong is that I'm almost 30, dropped out of college years ago, and have no job right now. So the feeling of being a 30 year old loser just compounds the overall ****tiness. lol It's cool being encouraged though. I definitely needed it, man.

 

[DonJuanabe]

For online dating, do not compliment a woman's pictures based on how she looks. Ever. In your initial email demonstrate that you read her profile and also be witty/funny -- this shows you took time for her rather than lumping her in with every other female profile and if you make her smile or laugh she will enjoy your email rather than merely read it.

 

[GreeneyedBeast83]

Thanks. I guess I've always just avoided wasting much time trying to be funny or witty because sometimes I'm just not. My attitude has been to just send something complimentary, short and sweet and if they're attracted they'll respond...but I see your point. If they're not blown away by my looks (which I don't think most women are because I'm maybe a 6 or 7), then I should say something a little more intriguing instead of just beating a dead horse and saying the same old crap. I used to do that more back when I was on myspace 5 years ago but a lot of the time it's hard for me to be spontaneously funny. I usually waste a lot of time trying to think of something funny...probably from being burnt out on pot and because I drink more now than I used to. I have a sense of humor but a lot of the time it's in resonse to something else rather than just something I thought of without a catalyst.

 

[GreeneyedBeast83]

Is there any way I can get some feedback on my pof profile? I think it's pretty lame but kind of would like confirmation and some tips if possible.

 

[Down Low]

I'm 29 and have chronic bad luck with women. I used to visit this site way back when I was in HS and college but was a virgin until I was 21 so I didn't use the advice much at the time. Since I was 21, I've engaged in numerous one night stands with mostly women I wasn't attracted to and still have never been in a relationship. EVER.

That's not so unusual.

I'm 6'3 and a half and only 165-170 lbs

For Gen X, you're within the range of average, but on the tall and skinny side of average.

...still not very outgoing and kind of a homebody. I'm on POF...

Again, pretty average for your generation to be socially awkward, and spend far too much time at home and on the computer.

I'm on POF and generally attract pigs and dogs. The few attractive ones that look at my profile usually don't respond to my messages. But about 6 months ago, a cute girl who's 23 contacted me and we started talking. I was out of town doing some work but we talked for a few weeks and seemed to really connect.

Not surprising that you find online women repulsive. They are. Also not surprising that your head turns round and round when a pretty young one makes herself available.

At the end of the night, I was convinced that we would definitely see each other again.

Afterward, however, I called her and sent her messages on Facebook and she suddenly seemed distant.

At the end of the night, she was convinced that she would never see you again. You didn't (figuratively or literally) shove a finger up her azz and show her a hotel key -- like all the other guys do.

This latest disappointment has me vowing to never settle for a girl who doesn't look at least as good as this girl and I've started working out again. I've never been more charming or better looking than I am right now and I'm tired of seeing some other guy or just people in general having the time of MY life. It should never be this hard to find someone.

You got mentally tough and decided to get what you want. It goes along with being in your 30s. Congratulations! I must warn you, though. It will always be hard to find a nice girl in America. You will have to settle for just a less-used piece of toilet paper as long as you live here. And she'll certainly cheat on you and have to be replaced by a younger, hotter version after a few years.

Also, if anyone else is on plentyofpigs or just has a take on any of the stuff I've been ranting about, that would be great. lol Apologies for being longwinded.

lol? Were you actually laughing out loud? Whether you sputter out faked emotionality to try to be like all the other girls, or whether you get all giddy and giggly at the end of every communication, this speaks very badly of you. It's time for you to stop talking and acting so feminized. I suggest that you cut back computer time to, say, an hour a week. Take care of your actual business and no more. Get out of the house, office, school, and the rest of the world of women. Get into the world of men. If your father or brothers didn't teach you how to behave like a man, you're going to have to learn from your peers. The sissified boycvnts of Gen X are little help in that regard, but good luck anyway.