Alright, so let me clarify first by saying this is going to be a wall of text. For those of you who are willing to read it, thanks in advance. 
Anyways, sup sosuave.net. My name is Carlos but I like to refer to myself as Charles because I feel like that's a more fitting name. After all, Charles is just the English equivalent of Carlos. I'm 17, currently a Junior in high school, live with my two parents, and have siblings but they all don't live with us. I stand 6 feet 1, I'm built kind of wide, and stocky, but I'm not on the heavier looking side, its more in the average shape of the typical non-sport playing, computer-addicted teenager.
Growing up simply makes me want to go back to how I used to be when I was younger. What I mean by this is...when I was young, yeah, I used to be teased and whatnot. But, I was oblivious; either that or I just really didn't care about what others thought about me. Once I hit the 6th grade things really started to hit the fan when it came to being good socially. I just felt...anxious all the time, like I NEEDED the approval of others or something. Don't get me wrong, I could talk to people but not without my heart beating at the speed of how fast Road Runner runs, along with a feeling of impeding doom. 7th-8th grade I must say however, were wayyyy less nerve racking than 6th grade.
So finally, I got into high school, and my freshman year of highschool was a blast. I met so many new people, danced with a girl (albeit one that every guy thought was cute) at our beginning of the year social party, and just hung out with people. I eventually found my crew of people to start going home with from school. Towards the end of freshman year I started getting into smoking pot. And boy was the first year and a half of smoking pot so goddamn fun.
Sophomore year I was in a relationship after having 6 different relations with girls in freshman year, and my confidence was at an all time high. I felt amazing. Eventually I met the people who I now call my best friends while riding on the train to school. Found out he smoked pot, and thats when my social life spiked up! See, I would always go to my 2nd bestfriends house, whom I met through my 1st bestfriend. We would have anywhere from a 20 piece of weed to a quarter of weed due to mini parties that were being thrown in my friends house.
I met some pretty awesome people, but I never really sat down and spoke to them. Eventually at a party around February I had my first hook up at a party ever. It wasn't exactly an HB10...more like a 5 or something. I had beer goggles to the max. But this still gave me this pseudo-sense of confidence which I believe I carry till this day. The rest of sophomore year I started cutting school more and more and more to smoke weed and would go on to fail classes; not only that but this is when I believe my social anxiety started onsetting. I went to parties only to find myself speaking to ONLY my two best buddies, one of whom ALSO isnt the best at speaking to people. My 1st bestfriend, the more charismatic one who I shall now refer to as S.S., would speak to others with this flow that is simply unnatural to me, and yes, I would get jelly. Skip to the beginning of Junior year (because in that summer I hadn't really DONE much), and I'm still cutting school a ****load to smoke weed. I met this one group of potheads/ragers whom I refer to as 'The Cyph'. At this point my less socially charismatic 2nd best friend who I will refer to as T, is in college, not too far away from me, just a 1 hour ride.
So I chill much more with S.S., and 'The Cyph' and come to realize that I just smoke weed with them, and then feel anxious and shy and just that same heavy heart feeling and not knowing what to say. Acting as if I have to act PERFECT or something. This just dis encourages me from going to school completely and thats when the heavy snowball effect of me cutting school begins, which is STILL in effect now. I stay home and play videogames all during the school day then leave my house to smoke with my two bestfriends (T comes down from his college to S.S.'s house to buy weed and play some video games with us).
I've barely been going to parties. I tried become a raver, (which I am still interested in but I don't have much money), and attending those themes of parties because I'm a huge fan of EDM. And I'd like to DJ when I grow up, (haha, Don Juan DJ, DJ DJ). But at these raves, all three raves I went to I met NO ONE. WHY? Because I stuck to MY group of people. ?
I forgot to tell you, before I started attending raves, like around last January I went to the doctors because I had self diagnosed myself with ADD Impulsiveness and Social Anxiety. I was put on Vyvanze and Paxil. People at school had noticed I was much more jolly and not all down, but at the same time being a class clown a bit to make people laugh. Again, what I believe is PSEUDO-CONFIDENCE. Eventually due to my parents and I's laziness I just stopped taking Vyvanse and Paxil. That, and I was also taking a hit of ecstasy every 2 1/2 weeks when I'd go to a rave, which, the effect of ecstasy was cancelled by Paxil so I didn't really want to be on an antidepressant. On top of that, there were SO many reports of people COMPLAINING about Paxil, and that it has more Cons than Pros, and I was seeing some of that myself.
I got a little bit of delayed orgasms, and picked up some weight and lost the tone in my body I had in the beginning of Junior year. And now that I'm done explaining my history I come to you to speak about today. It was the birthday party of this girl I know from middle school. I was going with 4 or 5 other friends from middle school. The WHOLE DAY I was getting more and more nervous about this party. Eventually we got to the party after smoking weed and drinking a bottle of beer. I, didn't want to go to that party. The ****ing heavy heart feeling was TOO MUCH. I seriously believe this is social anxiety folks. And I've come to you for help.
But anyways, to continue with the story, I left, and they went in the party. About 5 blocks of walking later,I get a text telling me to come back and I was starting to regret not having gone to the party while I was walking to the train station. So I go to the party, but before I go in I smoke another blunt with them. Then I go in and my heart is beating so goddamn fast. It feels like I can't think, just mental blockage plaguing me. My friend from middle school eventually notices and tells me to either Dance or Get out, but she doesn't actually mean it because she never actually kicked me out. She starts grinding with one of the friends I had gone to the party with while holding the middle finger up to me and another one of my friends who wasn't dancing.
I use the excuse of me being taken (I've been in a relationship for 2 years), for not dancing but I REALLY wanted to dance SO badly. I just felt too goddamn anxious/in grief. I don't know what it is that's causing this my fellow DJs and I need your help. Today was a complete failure. Yes, eventually I did leave the party. I went out with a friend to smoke a cigarette and some girl comes up to my friend and asks to try out the cigarette, and I put up that pseudo-confidence mask, but barely make any eye contact, or really charm her. MY friend however seems to easily conversate with her. She leaves after about a minute and the birthday girl tells everyone in front of the building to either leave or go inside. Everyone goes inside, including my friend who hadn't even finished half his cigarette. Also, my other friend who wasn't dancing left the party. I was outside, smoking a cig by myself and I hear birthday girl behind me, opening the doors after I was finishing the cig. She tells me thanks for coming, and I ask her 'what, I can't come back inside?' I say this because I assume she's kicking me out the party, but she says 'no it was just polite of you to come to my party', and I say 'yeah....i dunno why but Rob left (name of friend who left the party) ; what a **** right?' and she replies 'yeah i dunno, why would he do that?' and I say 'i dunno', then she goes back inside and once the ghost is clear, I leave.
I really need help DJ. I feel like my social circle is so goddamn small. Maybe I'm obsessive or something about my social life but it just FEELS like there's something wrong, you know? I'm not oblivious like I was in middle school or lower school, I feel all these goddamn bad and negative emotions and constantly judge myself believing I am an emotional vampire. I don't know what to do. I don't know if my 2 year relationship is causing this anxiety (i dont have any problems with my girl), like my soul is telling me to live a single life, I dunno if my two bestfriends are the cause of this (i left most of my social circles to chill with them, i chill with them 85% of the time), I dunno if I need to start working out again or some ****, I dunno whether to stop smoking weed because ALOT of teenagers do it...I dunno if maybe I masturbate too much (i believe i do), or I watch too much porn. I dunno if I'm anti-social or really have social anxiety disorder. I'd like to believe I don't based off that one time I hooked up with that 5/10 girl.
My selfesteem is at an all time low and I dunno. Maybe I'm bipolar or something. You guys tell me, I could use some help.
Anyways, sup sosuave.net. My name is Carlos but I like to refer to myself as Charles because I feel like that's a more fitting name. After all, Charles is just the English equivalent of Carlos. I'm 17, currently a Junior in high school, live with my two parents, and have siblings but they all don't live with us. I stand 6 feet 1, I'm built kind of wide, and stocky, but I'm not on the heavier looking side, its more in the average shape of the typical non-sport playing, computer-addicted teenager.
Growing up simply makes me want to go back to how I used to be when I was younger. What I mean by this is...when I was young, yeah, I used to be teased and whatnot. But, I was oblivious; either that or I just really didn't care about what others thought about me. Once I hit the 6th grade things really started to hit the fan when it came to being good socially. I just felt...anxious all the time, like I NEEDED the approval of others or something. Don't get me wrong, I could talk to people but not without my heart beating at the speed of how fast Road Runner runs, along with a feeling of impeding doom. 7th-8th grade I must say however, were wayyyy less nerve racking than 6th grade.
So finally, I got into high school, and my freshman year of highschool was a blast.
I met so many new people, danced with a girl (albeit one that every guy thought was cute) at our beginning of the year social party, and just hung out with people. I eventually found my crew of people to start going home with from school. Towards the end of freshman year I started getting into smoking pot. And boy was the first year and a half of smoking pot so goddamn fun. Sophomore year I was in a relationship after having 6 different relations with girls in freshman year, and my confidence was at an all time high. I felt amazing. Eventually I met the people who I now call my best friends while riding on the train to school. Found out he smoked pot, and thats when my social life spiked up! See, I would always go to my 2nd bestfriends house, whom I met through my 1st bestfriend. We would have anywhere from a 20 piece of weed to a quarter of weed due to mini parties that were being thrown in my friends house.
I met some pretty awesome people, but I never really sat down and spoke to them. Eventually at a party around February I had my first hook up at a party ever. It wasn't exactly an HB10...more like a 5 or something. I had beer goggles to the max. But this still gave me this pseudo-sense of confidence which I believe I carry till this day. The rest of sophomore year I started cutting school more and more and more to smoke weed and would go on to fail classes; not only that but this is when I believe my social anxiety started onsetting. I went to parties only to find myself speaking to ONLY my two best buddies, one of whom ALSO isnt the best at speaking to people. My 1st bestfriend, the more charismatic one who I shall now refer to as S.S., would speak to others with this flow that is simply unnatural to me, and yes, I would get jelly. Skip to the beginning of Junior year (because in that summer I hadn't really DONE much), and I'm still cutting school a ****load to smoke weed. I met this one group of potheads/ragers whom I refer to as 'The Cyph'. At this point my less socially charismatic 2nd best friend who I will refer to as T, is in college, not too far away from me, just a 1 hour ride.
So I chill much more with S.S., and 'The Cyph' and come to realize that I just smoke weed with them, and then feel anxious and shy and just that same heavy heart feeling and not knowing what to say. Acting as if I have to act PERFECT or something. This just dis encourages me from going to school completely and thats when the heavy snowball effect of me cutting school begins, which is STILL in effect now. I stay home and play videogames all during the school day then leave my house to smoke with my two bestfriends (T comes down from his college to S.S.'s house to buy weed and play some video games with us).
I've barely been going to parties. I tried become a raver, (which I am still interested in but I don't have much money), and attending those themes of parties because I'm a huge fan of EDM. And I'd like to DJ when I grow up, (haha, Don Juan DJ, DJ DJ
). But at these raves, all three raves I went to I met NO ONE. WHY? Because I stuck to MY group of people. ?I forgot to tell you, before I started attending raves, like around last January I went to the doctors because I had self diagnosed myself with ADD Impulsiveness and Social Anxiety. I was put on Vyvanze and Paxil. People at school had noticed I was much more jolly and not all down, but at the same time being a class clown a bit to make people laugh. Again, what I believe is PSEUDO-CONFIDENCE. Eventually due to my parents and I's laziness I just stopped taking Vyvanse and Paxil. That, and I was also taking a hit of ecstasy every 2 1/2 weeks when I'd go to a rave, which, the effect of ecstasy was cancelled by Paxil so I didn't really want to be on an antidepressant. On top of that, there were SO many reports of people COMPLAINING about Paxil, and that it has more Cons than Pros, and I was seeing some of that myself.
I got a little bit of delayed orgasms, and picked up some weight and lost the tone in my body I had in the beginning of Junior year. And now that I'm done explaining my history I come to you to speak about today. It was the birthday party of this girl I know from middle school. I was going with 4 or 5 other friends from middle school. The WHOLE DAY I was getting more and more nervous about this party. Eventually we got to the party after smoking weed and drinking a bottle of beer. I, didn't want to go to that party. The ****ing heavy heart feeling was TOO MUCH. I seriously believe this is social anxiety folks. And I've come to you for help.
But anyways, to continue with the story, I left, and they went in the party. About 5 blocks of walking later,I get a text telling me to come back and I was starting to regret not having gone to the party while I was walking to the train station. So I go to the party, but before I go in I smoke another blunt with them. Then I go in and my heart is beating so goddamn fast. It feels like I can't think, just mental blockage plaguing me. My friend from middle school eventually notices and tells me to either Dance or Get out, but she doesn't actually mean it because she never actually kicked me out. She starts grinding with one of the friends I had gone to the party with while holding the middle finger up to me and another one of my friends who wasn't dancing.
I use the excuse of me being taken (I've been in a relationship for 2 years), for not dancing but I REALLY wanted to dance SO badly. I just felt too goddamn anxious/in grief. I don't know what it is that's causing this my fellow DJs and I need your help. Today was a complete failure. Yes, eventually I did leave the party. I went out with a friend to smoke a cigarette and some girl comes up to my friend and asks to try out the cigarette, and I put up that pseudo-confidence mask, but barely make any eye contact, or really charm her. MY friend however seems to easily conversate with her. She leaves after about a minute and the birthday girl tells everyone in front of the building to either leave or go inside. Everyone goes inside, including my friend who hadn't even finished half his cigarette. Also, my other friend who wasn't dancing left the party. I was outside, smoking a cig by myself and I hear birthday girl behind me, opening the doors after I was finishing the cig. She tells me thanks for coming, and I ask her 'what, I can't come back inside?' I say this because I assume she's kicking me out the party, but she says 'no it was just polite of you to come to my party', and I say 'yeah....i dunno why but Rob left (name of friend who left the party) ; what a **** right?' and she replies 'yeah i dunno, why would he do that?' and I say 'i dunno', then she goes back inside and once the ghost is clear, I leave.
I really need help DJ. I feel like my social circle is so goddamn small. Maybe I'm obsessive or something about my social life but it just FEELS like there's something wrong, you know? I'm not oblivious like I was in middle school or lower school, I feel all these goddamn bad and negative emotions and constantly judge myself believing I am an emotional vampire. I don't know what to do. I don't know if my 2 year relationship is causing this anxiety (i dont have any problems with my girl), like my soul is telling me to live a single life, I dunno if my two bestfriends are the cause of this (i left most of my social circles to chill with them, i chill with them 85% of the time), I dunno if I need to start working out again or some ****, I dunno whether to stop smoking weed because ALOT of teenagers do it...I dunno if maybe I masturbate too much (i believe i do), or I watch too much porn. I dunno if I'm anti-social or really have social anxiety disorder. I'd like to believe I don't based off that one time I hooked up with that 5/10 girl.
My selfesteem is at an all time low and I dunno. Maybe I'm bipolar or something. You guys tell me, I could use some help.
