I messed up...I want my GF back...

[JeS DeF]

Please help with any advice or suggestions. Here is my situation:

I am 35 years old (and my girl is 37). I broke up with my GF of several years back in January. I was scared of committing and was taking the "easy" way out. In the following two months I have come to realize how wrong I was. This girl is it for me! I'm talking marriage, kids, family, a lifetime together.

I approached her about this last week only to find out she has started to "casually" see someone else. She has admitted she still loves me, but has "locked those feelings away" as she put it. She admits she is terrified of me hurting her again, saying she would never recover. As much as she believes my words, she doesn't trust me to not leave again. She has also said she feels it would be disrespectful to her current relationship and doesn't want to do that.

Yesterday we had a small re-connection while at work (yes, we do work together). There was some hand touching, rubbing legs, I hugged her and she nuzzled into me. Our conversations were lighter and more engaging and she was talking/reaching out to me on her own (instead of me having to initiate everything). Not that I was expecting us to be suddenly back together, but it did give me some small hope that we were on the right path (eg: maybe a 25% possibility of us getting back together versus the 1% chance I'm feeling right now).

Today, we spoke and regardless of yesterday, she said that she needed space. She again admitted she still loves me, but that's it's "locked away" and she's terrified to open herself up again. She seems committed (for lack of a better term) to at least seeing where her new relationship goes which is killing me. She has said that she doesn't know if/when she will allow herself to take another chance with me, but if she feels it, she will tell me.

Does giving her space mean zero contact? Or, can I still talk with her lightly, casually at work and send her the occasional text message? How can I give her the space she is asking for, but still let her know that my feelings will not change and that I see forever with her? How can I at least take baby-steps to keep me and the thought of our relationship on her mind when this new guy actually has her time and presence? How long should I give (two weeks? three weeks?) before I maybe ask her how she's feeling and her thoughts on us?

Any help or advice would be much appreciated. I messed up so badly and am just dying inside. I feel so empty and lost. Thanks.

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

You dated her for several years. You broke up in January. And she's in a new relationship by early March?

Hm. Good luck with that.

 

[vatoloco]

Why did you drop her?

 

[lgbs2004]

You broke up with her. She rebounded and started seeing someone else. Now you want her back. It's an old story.

And you work together.

Here are a few truths I can tell you:

1. Even if you do get drawn back into her universe, she will turn the tables on you. Right now she's setting you up for that possibility.

2. You made a decision. Stick with it. Remember why you broke up with her. You're only hurting now because she's having fun with someone else. (Are you?) Don't put your hand to the plow and look back.

3. You are currently inhabiting her frame. Asking her to get back together. Waiting while she thinks about it, sexes other guy, thinks about it some more. Do you see how this is unhealthy for you? And if she says "yes," well, circle back to #1.

Your best option - for YOUR mental health - is to stop talking to her. Hard to do at work, so just do your best to avoid her. Move on.

^^ this is gold. nothing more to add!

 

[Greasy Pig]

You're not coming from a position of strength, you're showing her that you need her, giving her all the power.
If you truly want her, and continue to pursue her, expect to be played and expect her to make your life hell while she fvcks this other guy while getting off on the ego boost you provide by courting her again.
I think you're in a lose-lose situation.
You've made your intentions known, she rejected you, now go out and be the best man you can be and fvck other women.
You'll soon forget her. In the meantime, no contact. She'll probably come back to you when her new man is gone but then you'll assume the "option B" position. Is that what you want?

 

[Romjuan]

It seems as though I am a pro at being in your position. I have been there many times and have learned how to handle this situation by others advice.

First thing you need to realize is what others previously have mentioned, you are probably not into her as much as you think, simply because:
1. you dont have other options
2. you have no hobbies keeping your mind away from thinking about her.
3. you see her everyday so YOU are constatnly thinking about her.

How do you get her back?

well, probably not the best thing for you to do but here is the best way to get her back.

1. Push- Pull Method. The fact youve inititated your intention and interest in her is a pretty good segway to this because now you have sparked her interest. NOW, pull back. Become less interested in her. Be short with her, but in a happy un emotional way. Engage in other conversations with other girls at work. (not in ways where she see's its obvious)

2. GET OFF THE COUCH- start dating and go out with girls IMMIDIETLY. Go on plenty of fish or match.com. Go out with girls just for the hell of it. Being around other girls (whether they are pretty or not) will take your mind off her and build your confidence. You'll soon get that swagger back and this helps with step 1 which is naturally talking and being more social with girls at work.

3. get involved with hobbies- the obvious thing to do is hit the gym. Maximize your looks by working out. She sees your happiness and good body and also notices your less interested in her. This equals raising her interest level.

All the other stuff of "her not trusting you" etc shes saying because her interest level is not high (high enough). You can build that trust and communicate it all out once she is engaged in you again.

You also asked about text messaging and "keeping your foot in the door" by making her think about you. You have huge leverage which is she works with you, so you dont need to text her or keep your foot in the door because your already doing that by working with her.

Dont text anymore, only replies to her and be short and use ****y funny.
she texts - "hi what are you doing?"
you reply - "im out trying to save the world." or "reading the bible to the blind, whats up?"

and most importantly. ALWAYS have a smile on your face at work and show your in a good mood. Laugh with coworkers. Dont be fake and do it when shes looking, just do it regularly and I promise she'll be noticing.

Good luck

 

[Die Hard]

I messed up so badly and am just dying inside. I feel so empty and lost.

I know it's easy to say for me, coz I'm not in your situation, but it should be quite clear to anyone that this is a very bad foundation for a relationship or even just a fling. When a man is involving himself with a woman while he is THIS desperate about her, his attempt at a relationship with her is pretty much 100% doomed.

Again, I'm not saying it's easy to follow up on this. But it is what it is, man...

 

[Reyaj]

Invite her out for drinks and say you just want to talk... after a few start kino and then just alpha it....

Slow playing and giving her space is a bunch of bs... You have to go for it fast or you will just watch slowly with pain as she gets with others...

 

[Down Low]

The ultimate sh1t test: will you just sit back and watch her f0ck another guy. If you will, you're not much of a man. Go warn the other guy off with whatever it takes to get him to be utterly disgusted at even the thought of her. Then, do not tell her that you warned the other guy off, deny doing it. Just sweep her off her feet and into your bed.

Hmm. Sounds like something from a Don Juan movie.

 

[penkitten]

on this forum, when a woman dumps you and comes back to you only after you have started to move on... they call it the "returning fox syndrome."

in your case, you appear to be the fox.

we usually tell the members not to go back to the returning fox... it only ends badly.

what is it that you want us to tell you?

 

[Desdinova]

She admits she is terrified of me hurting her again, saying she would never recover. As much as she believes my words, she doesn't trust me to not leave again. She has also said she feels it would be disrespectful to her current relationship and doesn't want to do that.

Ever hear of the phrase "damaged goods"? You've put another dent in this woman.

Whenever a woman gets dumped, she gets a little bit more damaged. In this case, you've caused the damage. Women thrive on emotions and she now has negative emotion associated with you. Turning that around is almost as difficult as turning a female friend into a lover. It's time-consuming, energy-draining, and often the results (or lack of results) are not worth it.

Romjuan pointed out your three largest problems. A lack of options is a major problem when you're focusing on the past.

Let me ask you... Do you REALLY believe that you can get a woman other than her? Do you believe that you can get a BETTER woman than her?

Starting over with a new woman has many, many benefits over chasing an ex:

1) She's not going to be 'damaged' by any past issues from dating you
2) She will be more willing to date you
3) She has the potential to be better looking
4) She has the potential to be better in bed
5) She has the potential to be more emotionally stable

And the list can keep going. Why are you limiting yourself to a used woman when you could be upgrading to a newer and better one? It's like going back to Betamax when DVD has more to offer.

There are thousands of women in the world whom you've never met nor dated. There's likely to be a couple hundred that are better than your ex. Go out and find them!

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Jes,
You will take her back only to relearn why you left her in the first place...She seems to be playing you rather well..."This girl is it for me! I'm talking marriage, kids, family, a lifetime together."...but a few weeks ago you ditched her..don't be a silly bvugger...get out and chase a few tarts...the only way to overcome an obsession is to sublimate it with another...Women are just like dogs or horses....There will never me another horse like old Conkers you say but in a few months you've found another haven't you...After a bit of ducking and diving you will find a better girl,betcha!...if you one day don't want commitment and now are prepared to tie yourself down for life,then just how sensibly are you thinking?

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Jes,
You will take her back only to relearn why you left her in the first place...She seems to be playing you rather well..."This girl is it for me! I'm talking marriage, kids, family, a lifetime together."...but a few weeks ago you ditched her..don't be a silly bvugger...get out and chase a few tarts...the only way to overcome an obsession is to sublimate it with another...Women are just like dogs or horses....There will never me another horse like old Conkers you say but in a few months you've found another haven't you...After a bit of ducking and diving you will find a better girl,betcha!...if you one day don't want commitment and now are prepared to tie yourself down for life,then just how sensibly are you thinking?

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Read this:
https://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2011/09/08/rooting-through-garbage/

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7
It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and what you thought was worth digging for is never as valuable as you thought it was.

 

[backbreaker]

On the street, and even at the picture show
Have you seen her?
Tell me, have you seen her?
Oh, I hear her voice as the cold winds blow
In the sweet music on my radio
Have you seen her?
Tell me, have you seen her?

Why, oh, why
Did she have to leave and go away (oh, yeah)

Oh-oh-oh, I've been used to havin' someone to lean on
And I'm lost
Baby, I'm lost (Oh)

 

[DJ Logic]

You want to know the best way to get her pining for you again? It's super easy

1. Treat her like a platonic friend who you have no interest in.
2. Flirt with other women around her (dont make it too obvious)
3. Kill her with kindness. If she talks to you about her new man, act genuinely happy for her.
4. Act like breaking up with her was the best thing that ever happened to you. Get a new lease on life. Do new exciting things. Travel. Bunjee jump. It doesnt matter, what is important is that she sees you having all sorts of adventures and doing way better without her.

I have used this technique to get back with almost every ex I've had. Now ask me if I still think it's a good idea. :crazy:

Every time I did this it was never worth my time. I thought that I was in love but really it was about control, and validating my own ego. The healthiest thing y ou can do is stick to your guns and move on. Feel free to follow my advice, but in the depths of your heart you must know this is over so the healing can begin. Hint: Getting it on with multiple hotties doesn't hurt. Live a little! You are only young once my friend

 

[bmp2cpm]

I bet if you didn't see her everyday at work, you wouldn't be having second thoughts on getting back together. Seriously, get a new job and move on. Only then can you think clearer.

This is why you should never get into a relationship at work. It turns into a train wreck you have to revisit every workday. Put career ahead of women.

 

[speed dawg]

What the h*ll is up with all these guys dating chicks at work lately? Don't you morons know better?

Just don't do it. It's almost as bad as doing business with friends.

I guess I'm just different. I know you have to make your career a focal point and business and personal life sometimes overlap. But I make a conscious attempt to limit that whenever possible. The business/personal friendship ONLY works if the people involved on the EXACT SAME PAGE. Some chick you meet at work probably won't be.

 

[Greasy Pig]

I think men on the OP's position have a sense of ownership over the girl.
When that ownership is taken away, and especially when it's transferred to another guy, you suddenly want to assume that ownership again and take what's yours.
But she's no longer yours. It sux but you have to accept that. Take ownership of something else, something better for you.