i know this is AFCish

[3rdeye]

k i know most of you will just say keep talkin to other girls for my problem, but this is for the times im not near other girls..
ok ill tell you my problem, i used to go out with this girl who was just about to graduate. we started dating (thanx to this site) things started to progress an 6 months go by an things r startin to feel right between us. then out of the blue she says somethin about that this summer was all about the girls. meaning that her an her friends wont be hangin out much after this summer is done with. so she says i doubt that her an me will be spending much time together.

so i said to her that her mind already sounds set, so im not goin to fight about how or why we should be together an think we should be friends, she agreed, but adding that she wants to still go out again after things cool down with her friends. i said id ahve to think about that one.
Ouch that hurt me i must admit, putin me second an all. but i bit the bullet an kept my cool.

so a couple of weeks go by i get the occasional phone call, with her leaving messeges about how much she misses me. i decide not to answer those messeges till the following day. an when ever i do call back at a later date i can never get ahold of her so i pretty much gave up on tryin to get ahold of her. i know she's not tryin to play games but its pissin me off.
(ill give a bit of background of her. she's a cristian girl waitin for marrage, she's a bit of a nerd, but shes hot)

k now lately ive been gettin these feelings for her maybe its that bloody one-itis crap i still have to shake from my old ways. but i still think about her, even though ive been out with other girls, an gettin some action from some too.. but its not the same.. maybe those girls ive messed around with wernt enough of a challenge to me. my ex was always a challenge for me an is what i consider a good girl. very rare in my books, but im still lookin for somethin along those lines of a good girl.

is that why i feel this way for her? i need all the help i can get or advise please. i know i havent fully grown into my new mindset but i still see the good changes this site has helped me gain. i never expected to feel this way about a girl, but here i am.
any help or advise will help me.
thanx for all the help in the past.
peace

 

[3rdeye]

sorry to post again.. but i know alot of you out there have some good advise. this one im stumped on, how have any of you delt with a situation like this one, an what got you out of this "thinkin of her" mindset?

 

[krd]

You've got a slightly unusual situation, because from what I've read, you seem to be doing everything right. She asks if you'd like to go out again and you say "I'll have to think about it?" Ooh, how many guys wish they had the opportunity to say that? Also, not calling her anymore, going out with other women; these are all things you should be doing. Yet your particular case of oneitis seems to be a stubborn one, in that despite all of your efforts, it's still not going away.

So I'd the only thing you can do is work on your own mindset. Instead of working on the external, focus on the internal. That's all I can really say. I wish I could give you tips or tricks, but I'm just as clueless as you when it comes to controling my thoughts. All I am saying is there is nothing that is wrong on the outside (your actions), the only place left to look is the inside (your thoughts). Although I can't give you answers, I hope I at least helped you indentify the souce of the problem.

 

[drixsa]

This summer was about the girls?
BS and you knew it

it was really a good thing that you said that her mind was made up and you werent going to fight etc.

but she said she wanted to start things up possibly after things cooled down with the friends?

please ppl hae time for what they want, and at the time you were not what she wanted

now after time hs passed she prolly realizes what a mistake she made

but stil you cannot settle for 2nd place like that

she is treating you like ****

she thinks she can just leave you for a while then pick you right back up when she wants?

im hopin your answer is "HELL NO"

why do you feel this way, of still caring?

cause you cared bout her. we fall for girls and can get attached

vice versa for woman aswell

itll take some time prolly to get over but do not go running back to her

dont even return the calls. if she wants to make the effort to really get in touch SHE will.

 

[krd]

Good point drixsa. So summer for her was all about the girls? Who even says that? It's summer time after all. Even if she does want to spend time with her friends, what's the point of that? The point is so she can hang out, party, meet other guys, explore her options, and if nothing comes of it, she always has you to come back to. Unless she's a lesbian, in which case, it's really all about the girls.

On the other hand, you said she's a Christian girl. I've said before, I sometimes suspect that religious girls don't necessarily place much importance on dating and men. Their priorities may be slightly different due to the way they were raised. She might really be interested in just maintaining her friendships and having some good clean fun. But still, it really doesn't matter what the reason is. If her IL was high enough, or she felt you could be that "special someone", she'd probably make the time for you, because she'd feel you were worth it. But apparently this is not the case. So just continue to do what you're doing and hopefully the cliche will prove to be true: "Time heals all wounds". Or in your case, "one-itises".

One small question. Does she live far away? Because this could be an important factor in her desicion. Of course she can't readily spend time with you if she lives miles and miles away in another city. If this is the case, and you say she still tries to call you sometimes, this could be something to think about. However it still would be long distance, and a lot can change over one summer. So, whatever you do, don't stop seeing other women!

 

[DJStudent]

Well 3rdeye,

I went through the same crap that you're going through. Although I handle it differently. My ex said that she wanted to spend more time with her girlfriends since she won't be seeing them after highschool. I got pissed off that she would even considered me second so I confronted her. I told her I won't accept that and I would leave if she was to treat me like a second rated BF (this was before I started coming to this site). She said fine and we didn't take for about a week and then I got a call from her. She said she was sorry and that she wanted to spend the time with me. I would of stood up for myself if I was in your shoe. Shouldn't take that from her and let her know that you don't appreciate being treated like a second rated bf. Tell her she can spend time with the girls anytime she wants as long as it's not our time.

What's funny is that she didn't even spend the other time with her friends. She basically wanted to spend all the time with me, which got a little to much. If she doesn't give you respect, she's no good for you. Don't think about her and just find some girl that respect you as a bf.

Call her, tell her you want to have a serious talk. Set a date and when you're there, just talk to her. Don't get to emotional or get her too emotional, just simply lay down the fact that you're feeling disrepected with her actions and it's not cool for you to stand by and watch this happen without voicing your opinion.

 

[TheCloser]

Up the Ante...

go out with a couple other girls and step up being a challenge by a few points. she can't lose interest if you're not around.

 

[gt95ab]

Just my two cents, but I would pull way back and almost stop returning her phone calls altogether, it still sounds like your chasing her a bit. Make her chase you and come crawling back to you on her knees, just don't be an ass about it, be a gentleman, but start living your own life. Since she is two busy with her girls, you should be too busy with your boys, know what I'm saying......

The ethical DJ - gt95ab

 

[Cremasta]

ill give a bit of background of her. she's a cristian girl waitin for marrage, she's a bit of a nerd, but shes hot

From what I have seen of girls who are full on god-botherers, if they are really into you, even to the point of thinking that you are 'The One', they don't let you go at all. You wouldn't be getting occasional messages, they would be coming thick and fast everyday.

Do whatever it takes to stop thinking about her.

 

[3rdeye]

guys i just want to thank all of you that posted advise, it is all good stuff that you wrote.. an yeah i think i need to focus more on my thoughts then just my actions..
KRD yeah she lives close by(same town) an i see her quite often drivin, like we cross paths often. i wish i didnt have to see her at all, maybe my mind would take a rest if i didnt see her at all if ya know what i mean.
all of you had good points. thanx again.
peace.