I just left my family

[lamath]

Leave and never talk to her again. I already told you you do have living options that will allow you to snatch your balls and build your strength. Live in your car, work out every morning at 5am, be sharp for work.

Oh, and like the guys said. If the house is in YOUR name, you need to be checking with the lawyer about whether you can put HER out of your residence. She is not your responsibility.

This

If you do so, then she will start feeling the loss. No more support or security from you.
Nothing.... dont anwser her txt and calls give her nothing.
Conversation only if needed. If she get emotional, start conflict talk about relationship dont engage.
Hang up, leave or dont anwser.

Dont give her any reaction good or bad.

If you do so i can predict that she will react
Something similar like the stages of griefs.
Anger, negociation, depression etc.
Then you know you have the power back.

 

[Lookatu]

The ones that say leave and NC, isn't really realistic IMO as there are kids involved here. That's a big factor...
You have to think of them and do it in a way to minimize hurting them during this process. It's the adults that need to own their $hit and start acting like adults and coming to some sort of resolution in the interest of their kids. Don't victimize the kids any more than you have to. And people wonder why certain guys/gals act weird later in life or turn out not so good...
Kids are forced into this because of the mess-ups that adults make. My $.02

 

[lamath]

The ones that say leave and NC, isn't really realistic IMO as there are kids involved here. That's a big factor...
You have to think of them and do it in a way to minimize hurting them during this process. It's the adults that need to own their $hit and start acting like adults and coming to some sort of resolution in the interest of their kids. Don't victimize the kids any more than you have to. And people wonder why certain guys/gals act weird later in life or turn out not so good...
Kids are forced into this because of the mess-ups that adults make. My $.02

Ofc kids first, nc not possible but keeping communication and interaction to a minimum is very important for him mental state and also that women need to feel that when you act badly you get punish.
Otherwise she will continue giving him a hard time for a very long time.

 

[metalwater]

I'm pretty sure it's over. She's being so cold and rude to me. Just got into an argument with her which she baited me into and I'm frustrated with myself for letting it happen. How do I move on? I feel like she's got all the power now and I have no control over the situation.

I've just called my friend's friend who's a sh1t hot divorce lawyer and made an appointment to chat on zoom later on this evening.

friend. what is happening to you happens to many men. you are not the only one, you are not crazy, you are not bad... well at least probably not any worse than me.

if you are a good guy, later you can give to the kids and even to this woman if you want to. for now, make sure you get whatever is yours or as much of money and stuff that you can. If you have debt, make sure you do not accept more than your share if it. it is like this... would you let a strange man come into your house and take your stuff... no probably not. would you let a woman that is taking direction from a strange man take it from you?

 

[lamath]

Would like to add that i dont think you have a choice here.

If you try and stay its clear that she will leave.

So to me there is no decision, you must be the one to leave.
Leaving on your term will be much better on your recovery than her eventually leaving you.

Its also how you keep your self esteem and self respect and also take the power back.

She is not leaving you, you are leaving her.
Because she is below your standard.

This is also a demonstration of higher value if you do it well, it will.make her hamster spin

 

[mrgoodstuff]

friend. what is happening to you happens to many men. you are not the only one, you are not crazy, you are not bad... well at least probably not any worse than me.

if you are a good guy, later you can give to the kids and even to this woman if you want to. for now, make sure you get whatever is yours or as much of money and stuff that you can. If you have debt, make sure you do not accept more than your share if it. it is like this... would you let a strange man come into your house and take your stuff... no probably not. would you let a woman that is taking direction from a strange man take it from you?

Would you let what was your "wife" take that stuff from you who is taking direction from a "strange" or another man? Once she's being heavily influenced by another against you, it's done. Your life could be in jeopardy, you need to be vigilent and act like it.

 

[metalwater]

Would you let what was your "wife" take that stuff from you who is taking direction from a "strange" or another man? Once she's being heavily influenced by another against you, it's done. Your life could be in jeopardy, you need to be vigilent and act like it.

yes, to know that can be what is occuring helps to find a crack in the love..

 

[mrgoodstuff]

yes, to know that can be what is occuring helps to find a crack in the love..

They can do that and think they love you. People are able to be influenced.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

@Exil where do things currently stand? What did the attorney suggest?

What ages are the girls?

I have some thoughts but first wanted to see where things are as it’s obviously a quite fluid situation.

@Lookatu has offered you good advice on keeping grounded & your wits about you.

Hang in there. Cheers

 

[Exil]

Thanks for the advice gents. I'm still caught up in feelings and she's now told me that she "does still love me" but doesn't want to be together"right now". I think I'm just emotionally reacting to her saying I can't have something I want, that I didn't even want a month ago but now I do, because she said I can't have it! It's like my inner child is screaming because someone took my toy away and then when I get it back, I'll be bored of it again very quickly.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Thanks for the advice gents. I'm still caught up in feelings and she's now told me that she "does still love me" but doesn't want to be together"right now". I think I'm just emotionally reacting to her saying I can't have something I want, that I didn't even want a month ago but now I do, because she said I can't have it! It's like my inner child is screaming because someone took my toy away and then when I get it back, I'll be bored of it again very quickly.

She's playing with you

 

[Exil]

I just mean the psychology of it. I didn't want her when she wanted me. Now she doesn't want me, I want her, even though I know deep down I don't actually.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I just mean the psychology of it. I didn't want her when she wanted me. Now she doesn't want me, I want her, even though I know deep down I don't actually.

The statement "does still love me" but doesn't want to be together"right now". Is a string along. To keep you on the hook for supportive attention.

This has all been done 100's of MILLIONS of times in todays world.

So you remove her option. And btw currently your in your feminine.

 

[Lookatu]

Thanks for the advice gents. I'm still caught up in feelings and she's now told me that she "does still love me" but doesn't want to be together"right now". I think I'm just emotionally reacting to her saying I can't have something I want, that I didn't even want a month ago but now I do, because she said I can't have it! It's like my inner child is screaming because someone took my toy away and then when I get it back, I'll be bored of it again very quickly.

I think both of your emotions are all over the place. It's ok to try to resort to divorce as a last resort so you're not making any hasty decisions. It might be good to take a break and be separated for now and see if both of you can live separately but co-parent the best way possible. And then see how both of your feelings and emotions change or stay the same and go from there.

 

[metalwater]

Thanks for the advice gents. I'm still caught up in feelings and she's now told me that she "does still love me" but doesn't want to be together"right now". I think I'm just emotionally reacting to her saying I can't have something I want, that I didn't even want a month ago but now I do, because she said I can't have it! It's like my inner child is screaming because someone took my toy away and then when I get it back, I'll be bored of it again very quickly.

really take care of yourself.

what i see in this thread so far is; your not SURE she had sex with another but you think so. your sure that she was at least having a txt affair. she does not do anything to make you feel valued; just the reverse. she is SAFE with you so does not leave. you feel like she does not want you, but your not sure. she gives attention to other men; more than you and your sure of that but you can not understand why. self esteem is really low, because of these reasons. SHE did it to you, if she doesn't want to talk about it to make it better the only reason is that she wants it like it is for some reason. As long as there is a rift with you, she has self permission to do whatever feels good.

you are going to turn more red pill now and have a couple of mental scars.

I have seen something(not exactly) like you describe from the inside. Not sure what make sense for you, but is it urgent that you find help. If you can deal with it find a local church and start going asap. or anything else where you will be immediately into a group of ppl that will care about you. it is urgent. if the anger has not come to you yet, its coming.... it will pass, it will.

when she asked you to go home, you did not obey her.. you waited for some more days... it is good you waited, but it is bad your questioning your choice on that. and she is not willing to talk to you about improving things. there is nothing you can do except suffer or leave or accept her terms...

would you leave if you have proof(video) of her with another guy?
the things is she is treating you like crap, so does it matter if she did or did not?
how could you ever trust her again?
this is not going to work out.

you tell that you used to spin plates... so at least you have a memory of what/how to do things to move on.

 

[kingvavy]

Been a while. I was in the exact place you’re in, it’s what brought me to this forum years ago. The advice and perspectives offered here are valuable, but they’re not dogma. At the end of the day, you have to do what you feel is right, not what people are telling you to do. I fought to the very end to keep my family together, but when it got to the point of her threatening to call the cops to get me to leave, well, at that point you really do not have a choice...very hard to see your kids with a criminal charge pending. The point is, by choosing to do what I felt was right, not what other people were telling me what I should do, allowed me to develop true confidence. Whatever you do, do it because it’s what you feel is the right thing, not what other people, including your wife, think is right.

Just one piece of advice: If you truly have left your house, she’s already got evidence on you that you’ve abandoned the family. My humble advice would be to return home and make your personal decision/reflection at home. It is not a bad thing to retain a lawyer. Doesn’t mean you are divorcing, but you’ve already opened that can of worms by leaving. Buy a camper trailer, put it in your backyard, or front lawn, and do your reflecting there, not away from the house. You’re still married in the eyes of the law.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Been a while. I was in the exact place you’re in, it’s what brought me to this forum years ago. The advice and perspectives offered here are valuable, but they’re not dogma. At the end of the day, you have to do what you feel is right, not what people are telling you to do. I fought to the very end to keep my family together, but when it got to the point of her threatening to call the cops to get me to leave, well, at that point you really do not have a choice...very hard to see your kids with a criminal charge pending. The point is, by choosing to do what I felt was right, not what other people were telling me what I should do, allowed me to develop true confidence. Whatever you do, do it because it’s what you feel is the right thing, not what other people, including your wife, think is right.

Just one piece of advice: If you truly have left your house, she’s already got evidence on you that you’ve abandoned the family. My humble advice would be to return home and make your personal decision/reflection at home. It is not a bad thing to retain a lawyer. Doesn’t mean you are divorcing, but you’ve already opened that can of worms by leaving. Buy a camper trailer, put it in your backyard, or front lawn, and do your reflecting there, not away from the house. You’re still married in the eyes of the law.

He has no "power" in there, it will be nearly impossible to have proper decision making in such an environment. Also it will be detrimental to his confidence, self esteem, self respect and stress levels. It's up to him. 100's of millions of similar scenarios in the last 50 years to draw experience from. They all play out very similar.

Consider the position she is sitting in. Consider the position you are sitting in. Consider what's currently important to her. What are her motives? What's important to you? What are your motives?

 

[kingvavy]

It was an absolute living hell trying to make it work when she clearly wanted out. All that said, I just couldn’t walk out. That’s me. My path is not someone else’s. Not walking out until I had no choice lest I get charged meant I can look at my kids in the eye and say I truly did everything I could. Hell then meant a clear conscience and a good night’s sleep now. My path is not the path for another, just sharing my experience.

I respect that OP has tough choices, and a tough road ahead. Once they’re out, they’re out as they say. Get a lawyer and don’t leave until he advises you that it’s safe to do so.

 

[evan12]

I packed my things and left. I told her very little about where I was going and what I was doing and just said I need space and time to figure out what I want. Take care of the kids and I'll contact you if and when I want to talk.

If you are heading to divorce never leave your matrimonial home for two reasons :
1- You will be considered a negligent father who left the family
2- The court will give her the home since you are already living in another place.

Disclaimer : Not a lawyer just my general knowledge .

 

[kingvavy]

A lot of the “theory” being exposed here is helpful for married guys in a normal marriage. However, in your situation, you need to focus only on these 3 things:

1. Retain a lawyer
2. Manage your stress levels through exercise, proper nutrition, and abstinence from drugs and alcohol
3. Prepare yourself. i.e. copy of the deed, banking information, kid’s birth certificates, etc.

By focusing on these three things you will automatically be distancing yourself from her without consciously doing it as part of a game. That is a good thing. There is a small chance she may come around, but I doubt it. Leaving your house and spinning plates without dealing with the legal liabilities could hit you super hard. All of the rights you think you have are now out the door. Once divorce occurs, you no longer have the rights you previously assumed. i.e. seeing your kids, who enters your kids lives, where they are schooled, where you will live, etc., everything gets thrown in the air and is now up for negotiation. The state will very much be in your life as the assumption is you and your wife are not fit to raise your kids.

As they said in boy scouts, “be prepared.”

Good luck!