I have great game, but never PLAY.

[squirrels]

It's bugging the hell out of me...inevitably, if I go out, girls check me out, sometimes I'll make eye contact and then they approach ME, and I always know just what to say and what to do.

But I NEVER APPROACH!

It's driving me nuts...I just freeze and make excuses. I consider myself to be more and more skilled with every encounter, but I just don't have the balls to initiate the encounters!

Think about it...if you ask yourself, "Do I want to be with this woman?" and the answer is "yes," then from what you've learned here, there is only one logical course of action...APPROACH!

Yet I take the ridiculous, "wait and see if she comes over" approach.

Argh...I feel so powerless.

Sorry, this is more of a rant than anything. It's my own fears I need to deal with. If anything, don't end up like me...the funny thing is that I give the RIGHT advice to people on this forum, but I can't even take it MYSELF, I'm so afraid of what she'll do, what I'll do, what people on this forum will do when they hear me spill the story the next morning.

Approach!

 

[Evo]

well if u have hard time with appoarching y not join the bootcamp i am in my 4th day of it and i am feeling the difference in myself already. i was like probably one of the most out going person in this art class today and today was the 1st day of the class so i dont kno anyone in there but the bootcamp just helped me so much cuz saying hi to all these stranger really elimitnates ur fear, and allows u to appoarch without fear. i highly recommend everyone to join bootcamp if u havent.

 

[Ice Cold]

Usually if I see a HB and can't approach i tell myself:

"You just can't approach cause you're AFC and a *****. If you don't approach now, you're never gonna respect yourself"

It works

 

[golf299]

we all must have this problem from tome to time...here's what i actively think... "what would a dj do?" then i think of all you guys here and not wanting to disrespect you, so i do it.

 

[Tryin to Grow a Chin]

There is an easy way around this.

Before you actually sarge, start by walking around for an hour or two talking to everybody you see that you can think of something to say to. Once you've reached this outgoing mindset approaches are easier.

 

[Knicknack]

treat it like a usual encounter. treat them like guys if you have to. you aren't nervous when you meet a new guy are you? i used to be in your shoes. now i get a kick out of my approaches. i just love to see the looks and laughs i get when i deliver C+F stuff. sometimes the girls are really into me and sometimes they aren't. i could care less. i got to meet a new person or persons and i'm happy. the only cure is experience. when you do it enough you eventually stop thinking and being nervous. good luck.

 

[Imbrondir]

Haha, this is funny. Why? Because I seem to be stuck in the excact same stage.

Now when I walk into a store/street/bus-stop/club/whatever, I don't see good looking women anymore. I just see openers, think about my posture and to make eye contact, and lotsa possible ways to bust on her. But what happens? I just continue walking and perhaps crack a smile if I got her to lock EC with me.

After some analysis, I believe I've pinpointed the problem.

Indecision!

I guess it's a blind shot if this could be your problem tho. But see if you can relate to my experiences.

a) Whenever I'm speaking to a chick (like a store/introduced...etc), I'm always generous with the C&F, and usually make the chick laugh. Then I walk away (with no #), and on my way home, I come to the realization, that I wanted her #.

b) Thoughts like.... "Is she good enough for me?"

c) Thougths like... "Should I test this cold approach?"

d) Thoughts like... "Should I try to be a mystery, or try mr jugglers way. Hmm... Is this bust too harsh? Should I try to aim for more rapport than the C&F this time?"
(heh, thought i'd come up with a million examples, but I stopped there)

Anyway, if you've read "Think and grow rich" by Napoleon Hill, you know he studied over 500 millionaeres. In those studies he made an important observation. Of the very few percentage of 'successfull' people, they all have one thing in common.

They all make decisions quickly, and slowly changes their decision.

They allso very often backed their decision up with burning all other bridges. Does this sound hard to do? I'm like peeing in my pants while thinking about it. Compare this to a cold approach.

Would I like to know more about that chick over there? YES/NO
Quick decision is needed
Then to back up the decision I must burn all other bridges. Show with full body language (EC, feets moving her direction, smile) that you are going to talk to her. This way it is more awkward to change your mind again.

Sounds so simple, yet for me atleast it is NOT.

Even while walking hungry past Pizza Hut, I go like: "Hmmm... can I afford buying a pizza, or should I rather wait an extra hour to come home to eat something cheaper and more healthy?" Then if I want a pizza, then we're off with the ... hmm.. pepperoni or ham and bacon?

Can you relate? If so, start finding exersizes about improving this quality. Hey, just because I picked pepperoni now, doesn't mean I always has to be married ... uh... eat pepperoni

Hope this helps (both you and me)

 

[spanky]

Try approaching without the goal of number closing in mind. I mean, just walk up to hold a general conversation or to make some sort of comment whether it is one sentence or two about whatever. Ideally, it would be a comment or question about the surroundings then return to your buddies in a smooth manner.

This could take off a lot of pressure of you since you on't actually have to be concerned about holding a conversation. Maybe after so much of this, one comment or question will turn into two and the three and so on.

Sometimes you may even be encouraged to make another comment. Now, while doing this for the first time, things tur into a full blown conversation, what would be the harm in that? Just introduce yourself, a comment or two, talk to you later.

I am suggesting this, of course, because the initial approach must be overcome some sort of way before you can deal with any difficulties that may arise from actual conversation skills or closing. And you may just not have a problem in those areas.

 

[Duke]

READ:
http://www.sosuave.com/vBulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=20096&perpage=20&pagenumber=1

 

[jakethasnake]

This is a cool thread.

I feel your pain squirrels, I used to be exactly like that too.

But check this out dude -- I am pretty good at changing my mindset and treating talking to a girl like its a casual converstation. I never think that I am picking her up. But here's the catch - I am so emotionally detatched that whenever I talk to a woman my sexual edge is diminished. I am almost never afraid to just approach any lady, but when I do, I just don't have that sexual vibe anymore. I think it's because I've conditioned myself too hard to not get nervous. Have you ever had that happen to you? I would be especially interested in Spanky's take on this, as he's the one that brought it up.

 

[Halo]

It's partly about picking your battles. You have to find the environment that works for you. For me, glitzy dance clubs and trendy bars don't work at all. Even when I find girls there to be physically attractive, I am so intellectually disgusted by them that I never really develop enough interest to approach them. On the other hand, at wine tastings, art galleries, concerts, etc, I find it so much easier to talk to women on a common plane. I usually end up doing very well in those places, though it's mostly with women older than me.

So if you're going to popular clubs, I don't have much advice for you. It takes a particular sort of gregarious personality to work that scene. However I have used two particular methods in those places, with fairly decent success (even though I am not really comfortable in that environment). One method is at the bar. If you have a wingman, leave a gap between you and him. Girls inevitably will come between you two to order drinks. It's an easy "hi what's your name?" situation. Another method is looking for the bar hoppers, wearing bracelets or hand stamps from other places. Enthusiastically ask them where it's from. It's a decent icebreaker at least. Good luck!

 

[squirrels]

Maybe it's my PRIDE getting in the way...I thought I was already a DJ, when I was only an rAFC, and my half-assed successes made me feel that way.

I went out the weekend before this one to a local club, feeling like Brad Pitt, and chatted up no fewer than seven ladies. The thing is, that with one or two exceptions, I didn't approach ANY of them...they came after ME.

I responded appropriately and made some progress, but still went home alone, with no numbers, once again, because I didn't INITIATE.

The night before last, I'm almost certain I made an alpha-male impression on my friends, but then last night, I went out to a local bar and got NOTHING. Why? Simple...I DIDN'T INITIATE anything.

Or was it so simple?

If I'm not initiating, I'm not a DJ yet. (I'm reminded of Darth Vader in The Empire Strikes Back, hissing, "The force is strong with you, but you are not a Jedi yet.") I arrogantly rushed into a situation I wasn't ready for and though I survived and fought well, I still got beat.

The fear still controls me. I stood up and faced it for the first time, and I fought well against it, but I lost, simply because I wasn't ready. Not yet. But I survived.

My fears still control me, and I still run from them. But sooner or later, I'm going to have to go through them...or fall. Perhaps this fall is what I need to do.

 

[Eyecandie4ya]

Just make sure that other things in life are "stable" before you do it.

I'm not saying wait until you're a millionaire and anything like that but it could something else in your life that is happy with the hindering or approaching.

Examine that and you found the root of the problem.

peace.

 

[spanky]

Originally posted by jakethasnake
This is a cool thread.

I feel your pain squirrels, I used to be exactly like that too.

But check this out dude -- I am pretty good at changing my mindset and treating talking to a girl like its a casual converstation. I never think that I am picking her up. But here's the catch - I am so emotionally detatched that whenever I talk to a woman my sexual edge is diminished. I am almost never afraid to just approach any lady, but when I do, I just don't have that sexual vibe anymore. I think it's because I've conditioned myself too hard to not get nervous. Have you ever had that happen to you? I would be especially interested in Spanky's take on this, as he's the one that brought it up.

Jake, I think losing your sexual edge is okay initially since having it won't mean any thing if you you have trouble doing the approach. It has always been my point around here that if someone tries to concentrate and apply every thing they learn in the DJ BIBle on one approach, they will find themselves getting nowhere.

Different people show up here for different reasons but if your main reason deals with intially approaching women, then I believe you should spend most of your effort in moving towards becoming a DJ working on that
one area first. Just getting over the difficulties of approaching woman is really a big hurdle for most while not knowing really what to talk about after you approach is a big problem for many others.

So I say, forget trying to be sexy and C&F and doing neg hits and that other stuff for now. Go and make small comments or small talk first. The conversation can be 10 seconds or five; just say something. Do it a lot and before you know it you may have to control yourself from being a motor mouth.

Once you feel that your are close to that motor mouth point, start throwing another problem area into the soup. If you want to work on strengthening your sexual edge, work on that while sharpening your approach skills. If next, you want to work on the C&F, work on small talk, sex appeal, and C&F and so on. Just do it in the order of your personal priorities.

I believe that you will only overwhelm yourself if you have to worry about juggling so many principles if your initial problem is approaching in the first place. That feeling of overwhelmness can be enough to give you cold feet.


In short, if your problem is approaching because you feel that you will be rejected, throw the fear of rejection out by approaching without the mindset of getting the number or anything else from the woman beside the answer to some random question or commenting on a drink or whatever.
Before long, you will have to put forth effort to shut up and let her talk.

 

[wheelin&dealin]

Squirrel,

Why don't you go to the mall and approach as many people as you can that work in the stores. Ask them questions about the clothes and stuff. Approach all sorts of people, it doesn't matter if they're fat, ugly, short, male or female. Just work on approaching.

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by wheelin&dealin
Squirrel,

Why don't you go to the mall and approach as many people as you can that work in the stores. Ask them questions about the clothes and stuff. Approach all sorts of people, it doesn't matter if they're fat, ugly, short, male or female. Just work on approaching.

Yeah, a boot-camp kinda deal. I might have to do that.

 

[jakethasnake]

Originally posted by spanky
Jake, I think losing your sexual edge is okay initially since having it won't mean any thing if you you have trouble doing the approach. It has always been my point around here that if someone tries to concentrate and apply every thing they learn in the DJ BIBle on one approach, they will find themselves getting nowhere.

Different people show up here for different reasons but if your main reason deals with intially approaching women, then I believe you should spend most of your effort in moving towards becoming a DJ working on that
one area first. Just getting over the difficulties of approaching woman is really a big hurdle for most while not knowing really what to talk about after you approach is a big problem for many others.

So I say, forget trying to be sexy and C&F and doing neg hits and that other stuff for now. Go and make small comments or small talk first. The conversation can be 10 seconds or five; just say something. Do it a lot and before you know it you may have to control yourself from being a motor mouth.

Once you feel that your are close to that motor mouth point, start throwing another problem area into the soup. If you want to work on strengthening your sexual edge, work on that while sharpening your approach skills. If next, you want to work on the C&F, work on small talk, sex appeal, and C&F and so on. Just do it in the order of your personal priorities.

I believe that you will only overwhelm yourself if you have to worry about juggling so many principles if your initial problem is approaching in the first place. That feeling of overwhelmness can be enough to give you cold feet.


In short, if your problem is approaching because you feel that you will be rejected, throw the fear of rejection out by approaching without the mindset of getting the number or anything else from the woman beside the answer to some random question or commenting on a drink or whatever.
Before long, you will have to put forth effort to shut up and let her talk.

Good points spanky - I was thinking along the same lines too, at least about the first paragraph. I'm not too sure if they rest of that post pertains directly to me - I think you're going back to square one to address the initial poster.


Btw, I just had a thought. Not sure if it's entirely congruous with the direction of this thread but I'll say it anyway. The ****y and funny thing usually only works if you're imposing and dominant in some way. It doesn't always mean being tall and big -- for example, Al Pacino is ****y in a "I-own-this -joint-you-cokka-roach" kinda way, but he is a pint-sized dude. But anyway, if you're rather bookish and slender and start spitting out C&F everywhere, people will just get annoyed. It's because they can't digest your ****y comments because even they can "challenge" you (this whole thing is a "respect" issue. If you're 6 foot and 190 pounds you're much easier to "respect" than a 5'5" 140 pound guy - respect is also about FEAR, not just genuine admiration. So you have to look the part to be VERY ****y, and have it come off as believable not annoying. This is why so many people find David Spade so annoying, even though he is very witty and funny (in a ****y way). I'm not saying it never works for a small, bookish guy to be ****y, but you have to pace yourself.

This is what I've noticed - so if you're noob who only JUST started out on this self-improvement schtick and are still unfit or generally shy/bookish, then proceed with caution. It might serve you better to be funny in other ways. Try being genuinely observant/witty/funny, instead of being funny in an antagonistic, ****y way.

 

[Scorpion11]

I guess its the time of the year or something!

 

[spanky]

Originally posted by jakethasnake
Good points spanky - I was thinking along the same lines too, at least about the first paragraph. I'm not too sure if they rest of that post pertains directly to me - I think you're going back to square one to address the initial poster.

Hey, Jake. My comments were really more general. It has more to do with the general topic being discussed.

I really don't try the C&F stuff or try to go out of my way to be more funny than I naturally would be in any other situation. I am more interested in the psychology of an encounter; basically, getting inside chics head. Personally, I wouldn't even attempt C&F because it would not be me and I would be so transparent. I am sure some can work it like magic.
don't want to get too far off of topic here but I think in many situations( not necessarily Squirrels case because he didn't go that much into detail) but from reading some posts it seems as if a lot of guys are reading some good ideas in the DJ Bible and believe that they must somehow incorporate them all in one encounter. This can be overwhelming. I just think this is a good thread to raise that point.

Sometimes when I go out, I just tell my buddies that I will just do wingman work or not really try to get someone back to my place. One of them will ask every time "then why are you coming out tonight?" His sole purpose is to find sex that night and he won't talk to any woman unless he intends on trying to get laid by them. But sometimes I just go out to socialize with women, dance, and listen to good loud music. Those nights are just as enjoyable to me as the nights I walk away with something more and there is less pressure and competition amongst us that night.