I found the cause for not being able to be social. Need help

[Konada]

Well in the past I always thought it was my shyness that held me back from being social but now I have come up out my shell and have no inhibitions to speak to other people. However, I realise that many people apparently prefer talking about nonsensical stuff like 'I bought 10 Marlboro packs today.' and I find that I cannot stoop to this level of stupidity. I do really well about getting to know about the other person but I find that this inability of mine has made me come off as a person that isn't 'normal' which in this case is getting off solely on garbage conversation.

I feel its hurting my chances to be social since I am prsctically unable to participate in such conversations and eventually I come off as the creepy guy that listens but doesn't talk.

Is there anything I can do about this? Or is it a lost cause for me?

 

[joverby]

Socialize with people that want to partake in more intellectual dialect?

 

[pdx1138]

I know what you mean. Boring small talk. I can't stand it either.

just need to fine the right crowd with similar interests.

 

[Konada]

Socialize with people that want to partake in more intellectual dialect?

Sadly to say I've met very few people like this in my entire life. My close friends are usually those that you speak of. My college is ridden with people that prefer speaking rubbish than participate in interesting, opinionated topics.

 

[f29d6h]

It's unfortunate but as you're probably already realizing, small talk is the name of the game. It's a skill you develop like anything else.

Sure it might suck engaging in what seems like senseless conversation, but if you want to talk about those deeper topics, you're going to have to work your way in.

It's like visiting your parents... not many people like doing it, but you do it anyway, and once you've done it enough you learn how to work with it.

 

[element1286]

Your just uncomfortable with the small talk, practice it. And lose the disdain for people who do engage in it. And if you are smart/interesting it doesn't take long to elevate the small talk to medium talk. Just have to work on transitioning to it.

And to be honest, why would you want to have opinionated discussions with people you just met? This isn't one of Plato's dialogues where opinionated dialectics break out every other page, this is real life. Save those discussions for the people you already know, and people who you genuinely want to get to know.

 

[The_411]

I'm in the same boat, but the reality it most people are afraid to talk about deep philosophical topics and frankly those types of talks are not suited for social scenes because a girl/guy who are at a paorty/social gathering aren't going to be interested in the social deconstruction of confederacy in a racist America or some other techinical discussion.

People don't talk about those topics because they kill the sex vibe. So for small to be interesting and interactive you can listen and ask questions. (Women love talking about themselves.) Or take it a step further and have fun with it make jokes and even rip people a bit or lot if you don't give a F.

Example:
A guy: I bought 10 packs of Marlboro todya
You: Isn't it cheaper to by a carton?
A guy: Well, I wanted only 10
You: Ok maybe I jsut go get 8 eggs next time, you could be onto to something there. (sarcastic mocking tone)

Now you have a running joke for a few hours if enough people hear it. Then you can talk about less than the hole thing in stange quantities.

That's the commonalty of people. They want to laugh and they will relate to you if you can bring them in with something they've experienced.

 

[ArcBound]

Well in the past I always thought it was my shyness that held me back from being social but now I have come up out my shell and have no inhibitions to speak to other people. However, I realise that many people apparently prefer talking about nonsensical stuff like 'I bought 10 Marlboro packs today.' and I find that I cannot stoop to this level of stupidity. I do really well about getting to know about the other person but I find that this inability of mine has made me come off as a person that isn't 'normal' which in this case is getting off solely on garbage conversation.

I feel its hurting my chances to be social since I am prsctically unable to participate in such conversations and eventually I come off as the creepy guy that listens but doesn't talk.

Is there anything I can do about this? Or is it a lost cause for me?

I had this problem too... where I used to look down on "small talk" and "garbage conversation".

You have to realize most people talk to just socialize, relax and have fun. They don't talk to learn, or gain deep philosophical insights about life. Sure intellectual talks are fun once in a while...but if you try to make every single conversation with every single person you meet a deep conversation its a fvcking turn off. They will think you are a boring POS and move on.

A lot of these people DO talk about deep and insightful things...when you become closer friends with them. You can't just be acquaintances or meet them several times a week and somehow always expect intellectually stimulating conversations. Not going to happen.

You have to realize what you call stupidity and garbage conversation is actually a gauge:

Usually people you have met, or have known for a short period of time (or even a long period of time but not really close at all, more like acquaintances) make small talk BECAUSE YOU TWO HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON. You do not know about interests, and he/she does not know about yours. You do small talk so you can understand what type of person you are interacting with and if the person is a type of guy you would like to hang out with in the future.

Obviously the Marlboro guy is not your cup of tea. You call it a level of stupidity, while to another person this conversation might have happened:

"I bought 10 Marlboro packs today."
"Holy crap that's a lot. I prefer Newports though so much better."
"Rofl I had Newports in high school"
"Dude let's go for a smoke tomorrow after your last class. Come over after you're done"
"Alright catch you later"

^in which case the conversation was a precursor for a possible deeper relationship.

It is unrealistic to expect super deep conversations all the time. Like Social_Leper said people are more intellectual than you give them credit for. You wouldn't stop a stranger in the street and start talking about the works of Socrates would you?

 

[Domo_Arigatoo]

I feel you OP, the same thing happens to me.
People around me talk about b.s. and expect me to jump in to contribute to a pretty much meaningless conversation.

The only time i'm motivated to talk is if i need to communicate for something to be done, if i'm asking a question to legitamitely learn something, or if there is intelligent conversation. I'll try to bring up deep/intelligent subjects with friends and acquaintances but usually the conversations fizzle out within a minute or two and the bull**** surfaces again. I can only hold a deep and meaningful conversation with my closest friends.

I suggest learning to camoflague yourself in this bull**** talk, since small talk breaks down the barriers to deeper conversations. Just learn to appreciate the people who enjoy actual intellectual conversation. And also this, maybe most people can talk intellectually, but since everyone else and the media talks about bull****, they feel they have to as well. Try bringing up an intellectual subject and maybe it'll work out.

 

[Konada]

I had this problem too... where I used to look down on "small talk" and "garbage conversation".

You have to realize most people talk to just socialize, relax and have fun. They don't talk to learn, or gain deep philosophical insights about life. Sure intellectual talks are fun once in a while...but if you try to make every single conversation with every single person you meet a deep conversation its a fvcking turn off. They will think you are a boring POS and move on.

A lot of these people DO talk about deep and insightful things...when you become closer friends with them. You can't just be acquaintances or meet them several times a week and somehow always expect intellectually stimulating conversations. Not going to happen.

You have to realize what you call stupidity and garbage conversation is actually a gauge:

Usually people you have met, or have known for a short period of time (or even a long period of time but not really close at all, more like acquaintances) make small talk BECAUSE YOU TWO HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON. You do not know about interests, and he/she does not know about yours. You do small talk so you can understand what type of person you are interacting with and if the person is a type of guy you would like to hang out with in the future.

Obviously the Marlboro guy is not your cup of tea. You call it a level of stupidity, while to another person this conversation might have happened:

"I bought 10 Marlboro packs today."
"Holy crap that's a lot. I prefer Newports though so much better."
"Rofl I had Newports in high school"
"Dude let's go for a smoke tomorrow after your last class. Come over after you're done"
"Alright catch you later"

^in which case the conversation was a precursor for a possible deeper relationship.

It is unrealistic to expect super deep conversations all the time. Like Social_Leper said people are more intellectual than you give them credit for. You wouldn't stop a stranger in the street and start talking about the works of Socrates would you?

Good point. I do alot of sports and basically can talk about anything under the sun. The garbage I'm referring to is crap like this :

"Dude you should try this brand of cereals its awesome"
"Are you cereals?"

People around me get off solely on this stuff and barely small talk about light topics. Is it really that hard to find people who take pleasure in talking about sports, the world etc as compared to people who just talk crap? I believe my lack of commonality in this aspect of talk is really impairing my social situation.

 

[AlexDP]

Well in the past I always thought it was my shyness that held me back from being social but now I have come up out my shell and have no inhibitions to speak to other people. However, I realise that many people apparently prefer talking about nonsensical stuff like 'I bought 10 Marlboro packs today.' and I find that I cannot stoop to this level of stupidity. I do really well about getting to know about the other person but I find that this inability of mine has made me come off as a person that isn't 'normal' which in this case is getting off solely on garbage conversation.

I feel its hurting my chances to be social since I am prsctically unable to participate in such conversations and eventually I come off as the creepy guy that listens but doesn't talk.

Is there anything I can do about this? Or is it a lost cause for me?

You're a scrawny guy who has never dated a woman.

So no. You're not special. Because that is what you're saying, right?

 

[Konada]

You're a scrawny guy who has never dated a woman.

So no. You're not special. Because that is what you're saying, right?

This wasn't even a 'Normal people talk is beneath me' thread. I'm asking for help as I realise I have a problem with this. So lay off the douchebaggery and keep your comments to yourself if you don't have anything constructive to say.

 

[AlexDP]

I cannot stoop to this level of stupidity.

It wasn't?

 

[t00dumb]

small talks are great to get a vibe off the other person, imagine going into a deep conversation yet the only who is deep is you and they will most likely think you don't get out much. what you find deeply interesting may not be with the other unless you play your social skills right and find something that they're really interested in and go off of that. next thing you know, you're an awesome person.

 

[Konada]

It wasn't?

You pulled 1 sentence and made an entire assumption based on it. Congratulations.

 

[Konada]

small talks are great to get a vibe off the other person, imagine going into a deep conversation yet the only who is deep is you and they will most likely think you don't get out much. what you find deeply interesting may not be with the other unless you play your social skills right and find something that they're really interested in and go off of that. next thing you know, you're an awesome person.

Well yeah, I don't mind talking about light stuff (sports, tv, etc.) but when it comes to conversations to like what I mentioned earlier, I'm totally lost. These conversations usually go around in circles and I cannot pick up on topics to discuss with em and possibly find something that interests them, say hobbies, places and others.

 

[Ease]

You're a scrawny guy who has never dated a woman.

So no. You're not special. Because that is what you're saying, right?

This guy is a winner.

Small talk is important. Talking **** is important also.

You need more confidence.

 

[FairShake]

Read this:

http://www.succeedsocially.com/practicalskills

Clearly since you are on a message board complaining about it you have a problem with it. So you need to be a practical person and up your knowledge on and participate in conversations about sports, cellphones, food, car problems, etc. Just be more aware and listen to people.