I do not enjoy socializing

[vlf445]

So my freshman year of college was primarily spent smoking weed n being a recluse. I wasn't a virgin, I could get girls attracted to me...but always found this extremely difficult in the situations where most people find it easy (parties, bars, etc.) So I began working on my socializing skills in those areas.

After a solid year or so of working on that I could honestly say I felt comfortable with myself in those sorts of situations again. I would eagerly look for a girl and go introduce myself and start talking. But there is something that is seriously not fun about it. I feel as though all the talking that gets done at college parties is extremely shallow, to the point where it is a chore. And as of right now, I have a girlfriend, so there is no point in me advancing on any chicks I meet. All in all, I would have a much better time relaxing at my place. But often, when I do end up doing that, I have this stinging feeling that I need to be out socializing.

But the bottom line is, I'm an introverted person. And what I hate about that is, it seems like society considers that a bad thing and everyone wants to be or pretend to be the cool extrovert. The introverts are always portrayed as strange n creepy in movies, and whenever I have said that I am introverted to other people they quickly make sure to say how extroverted they are....because that's the cool thing to be to them. I don't know why I can't just go out and have fun when I do it like everyone else. And for once in my life, I can confidently say it is NOT because I am inadequate in socializing skills. I just do not like it, and it kills me.

I don't know what exactly it is that I would rather talk about with people, but I feel such a lack of connection with everyone. Most conversation seems to boil down to the person
A:Boosting their ego with some bs that I (or anyone else) would never care about
B:Talking about extremely shallow stuff ("what's your major?", "where do you live?" type of questions
C:Only out looking for something to have sex with

At the end of the day, I feel crazy. I feel crazy now, leading to this post that I don't really know how to end. I just don't understand why I can't have fun in situations that everyone else seems to live for. Does anyone else feel like this, or am I just crazy? I would love to hear some of the wiser ones on this board analyze me...especially if something is wrong with me, because that means it is eagerly awaiting fixing. Thanks to all who gave post this their time.

 

[Guoy Darko]

Although I don't consider myself as one of the wiser ones, I can give my opinion. To me it doesn't look like there is anything wrong with you. I consider myself an introvert, but I like it a lot to socialize with 'my kind of people'. What you describe as socializing looks horrible. I don't think anybody likes to talk about shallow stuff, so don't feel bad you don't like it. Don't you have a group of friends you feel good around? How do you feel talking to them about things? Is it a chore as well with them?

And if you think socializing is shallow, why don't you pick the subject that is being discussed? If you ask them about their major, they're going to talk about their major. Ask them their opinion on something you find interesting or fun. You have to entertain yourself and let other people entertain you.

 

[zekko]

I'm an introvert also (INTJ personality), so I can relate to some of what you're saying. I feel like I could write a book on this, but I'll try to keep it brief.

The introverts are always portrayed as strange n creepy in movies, and whenever I have said that I am introverted to other people they quickly make sure to say how extroverted they are....because that's the cool thing to be to them

First off, I don't think you should go around telling people you're an introvert. Because most people probably won't understand. They'll think you're saying you're shy and awkward, or even as you say "strange and creepy". Never underestimate the stupidity of the masses.

The problem, as you point out, is that our society values and encourages extroversion. And extroversion does have some big advantages, an extrovert is more likely to be better at networking, for instance.

B:Talking about extremely shallow stuff ("what's your major?", "where do you live?" type of questions

Personally, I don't see those types of questions as shallow, but oh well.
I've been reading a lot of stuff about pickup in nightclubs lately (even though I don't go to nightclubs at my age), and a lot of it is not encouraging. A lot of the things they advocate in the name of "fun" is just the dumbest, most emptyheaded stuff you can imagine (jump around like an idiot, that kind of thing). Seriously, if this is what you would have to do to attract a women, I would have to just say "no, thank you".

I just don't understand why I can't have fun in situations that everyone else seems to live for. Does anyone else feel like this, or am I just crazy? I would love to hear some of the wiser ones on this board analyze me...especially if something is wrong with me, because that means it is eagerly awaiting fixing.

You seem to think there is something wrong with you because society places all these extroverted expectations on you. You feel guilty when you want some time to yourself because society says you should be out socializing. There's nothing wrong with you, by some research half the population are introverts.

I've felt quite a bit like you when it comes to not finding certain things fun. I like to do things that are productive or creative, things that further my goals or whatever. I remember one day in my 20s I was at someone's house, and there were a bunch of us there drinking beer. We weren't doing ANYTHING, just sitting around drinking, that's what so many people do when they socialize. Something snapped in my head, and I was thinking "how does this further my goals, I'd rather be doing something productive". So I got up and left and never went back.

Instead of moaning about my introversion, I prefer to think of myself as fiercely independent. I don't need a lot of people around me to make me happy, like some people do. Embrace your strengths and use your introversion to help you put in the work and accomplish what you want. Accept and be proud of who you are, and don't let society tell you what you should be doing.

You do need to keep socializing, however. Maybe not as much as the next person, but it's important to keep some balance in your life.

 

[Chromeo]

Just seems like you dont meet a lot of people that you are overly interested with. Except when you meet these people you are telling yourself that you are the uninteresting one and someting is wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you, there is also nothing wrong with these other people, its just how they are. You must except people for who they are and let them entertain you how you see fit. If you like to chill and have intellectual conversations with people, convey that in your conversations and you will find those people that you can relate too.

 

[Allurre]

Nothing's wrong with being an introvert or extrovert.

Do whatever you want that MAKES YOU HAPPY in the end of the day, rather then live up to society's demands.

 

[zekko]

Extroverts need to have people around them to be happy, they need to feed off of their energy. With myself it's the opposite. I will happily socialize with people until I reach my limit, and after that point people just irritate me and get on my nerves until I can get some down time (away from people) to recharge.

RSD has a rule they use that could be helpful. They say you should enter each interaction with the question "How can I make this fun?", meaning fun for yourself. If you are amusing yourself then you will give off that vibe.

I've read a lot of pickup material, and it's amazing how much of it I read and stop and think "they're just describing an extrovert". But that is BS, because I know plenty of extroverts who aren't good with women. They seem to be implying that you have to be an extrovert for a woman to find you attractive (social proof and all), but again that's BS. My LTR knows I'm an introvert and I don't think she'd have it any other way. It certainly doesn't seem to bother her any.

Some of these pickup gurus seem to imply that if you are not the life of the party and the center of all attention, no woman will want you. Again, BS. Sometimes the life of the party is just a clown. I'm more interested in projecting masculinity. I think the reason the gurus recommend extroversion is because it probably is the EASIEST way to get laid, the quickest, straightest line between two points. But far from the only way to go about it.

 

[mikeyb]

Being an introvert just means you're happier on your own and don't need other people. I can definitely relate to that and in my mind there's nothing wrong with it. However I wouldn't go around broadcasting it as anyone who isn't like you will find it weird at best and very creepy at worst.

 

[Pathgen]

Ok. Your not crazy, but you might want to look into cognitive behavioral therapy. In a nutshell, I was like you. I hated interacting with others and thought that I didn't like interacting with new people because It made me feel bad. Literally, I felt like it was a waste of my time and that I really didn't give a **** about what is going on in their life or their views or anything for that matter. I thought the problem was with them, but it was actually with me.

I realized I had a problem and I started going into a lot of psychology reading and this site. I finally came upon CBT. Essentially, you can train your brain to do anything. Down the line, it is possible that you trained your brain to dislike social situations. Because of this when you go out and are in one, your brain unconsciously sends you messages to get the **** out of there and you don't even notice. You might even think that its natural because that is how I felt. Its also good to note that I felt this way since Kindergarten, so it feels natural and really becomes a part of your personality.

So finally I learned about CBT and realized that I could use it to get rid of these negative thoughts. My life has significantly improved and it gets better every day.

If you want more info on the basics of CBT. It really boils down to the first identifying negative thoughts. Do not even try to beat them out of your brain yet. All you are going to is tell your brain that you are having a negative thought. Once your brain identifies the problem it is easier to move to the next step.

Once you master identifying you work on ignoring them. You will begin to notice when you feel like you are having negative thoughts and you just don't listen to them.

After a while, your brain will start to retrain itself to not even have the thoughts. You will create new neural pathways that bypasses the old ones.

I will say that this might be difficult to swallow at first. It was for me, but I feel like this has really changed my life around, much more than the DJ bible did and that was powerful stuff for me in high school.

You always have to consider the possibility that I witnessed the Placebo effect, but who cares? It worked for me and for once I enjoy socializing and I even found out that the reason I used to sit at home and feel ****ty was that I was actually more of an extrovert than introvert.

Note: If your are already seriously depressed, which to me sounds like your not, you might not want to try this alone. It can hurt and seem hopeless when you look at yourself harshly in the mirror. You might feel like something is seriously wrong with you at times because your mind does this naturally. You need to make sure that you stay strong and persevere because it is tough and you need to make sure you feel positively reinforced during the process. If you fail to do so you could become depressed and create even more problems for yourself. If you have a similar issue as mine, your not insane and with time it will get better.

 

[5string]

Heck. You sound like a good guy. Maybe even a bit more mature than those whom you are around in social settings. Nothing wrong with being a little introverted. Who cares what society thinks? Why not change your social network to some folks that are a little bit older and less shallow? That might help with these issues, however, I think you sound like you are your own man and have it together.

 

[Gameness]

As soon as I read the thread title, the first thought that popped up in my mind was "this guy is probably a toker". I dont know if you still smoke...but I smoked for a long time on and off. Lay it off and see how you feel after a couple of months. It is very easy for some people to become depressed or introverted when they stop smoking, or havent smoked as much as they used too.

Oh, and dont start drinking instead.

 

[KingofHearts]

Nothing wrong with being independent. You're not avoiding interaction because you can't keep up, its that you don't enjoy it or find it fulfilling. Way different from social anxiety. The bright side to this is that when people do approach you to learn more about you, they find that you're a pretty cool person. They feel like they found a diamond in the rough. Its rewarding for them. Just understand that you limit your chances of friendships and relationships because you aren't out there all the time.

That's what I learned and accepted about myself. I'm fine with not going to parties or the club every weekend. I'm happier doing other more productive things. I've accepted that I don't meet as many women or cool people either because of that. Its a trade off that I've learned to live with. It doesn't hurt my ego or confidence that I don't have an army of friends. But like you, I know I can get to that point if I really wanted to because I've been popular before. I just learned that it isn't for me.

 

[Willis]

im very introverted too...and dont really like socializing either..when i go to school i dont talk to people too much.but very comfortable in my own skin...

. i never been to a club or a house party in my life and im fine with that i know that isnt the stuff i like to do....but i do smoke alot of WEED....

 

[Vanilla]

I'm glad I saw this thread because I felt alone in this.

My brother is an extreme extrovert and I'm the opposite. My mother and uncle are the same way, so I blame genetics. I would love to spend a friday night being productive or watching a good movie rather than watch two idiots play beer pong. I do my share of night outs, but not enough as most college kids do, so this is what makes me feel bad and lonely at night. I constantly ask myself, would I really be happy if I went out by myself to drink, possibly alone, then drive back and risk DUI or injury just for the sake of doing what society thinks I should do at my age. I guess I could chalk up mostly on bad party experiences where I just couldn't connect with anyone.

It's a paradox however when you want to be with someone but don't want to socialize.

 

[Captain]

You're just uncomfortable with being social because you aren't used to it.

 

[kingsam]

I've read a lot of pickup material, and it's amazing how much of it I read and stop and think "they're just describing an extrovert". But that is BS, because I know plenty of extroverts who aren't good with women. They seem to be implying that you have to be an extrovert for a woman to find you attractive (social proof and all), but again that's BS. My LTR knows I'm an introvert and I don't think she'd have it any other way. It certainly doesn't seem to bother her any.

Some of these pickup gurus seem to imply that if you are not the life of the party and the center of all attention, no woman will want you. Again, BS. Sometimes the life of the party is just a clown. I'm more interested in projecting masculinity. I think the reason the gurus recommend extroversion is because it probably is the EASIEST way to get laid, the quickest, straightest line between two points. But far from the only way to go about it.

ever looked at the quality of the women the pick up gurus end up with...a lot of the women (if not most ) are the kinda cheap AW/trashy ones

just take a look at many of the women that Mystery has his picture taken with!

Introvert or Extrovert?
i am more weighted towards Introv. and can find being the center of attention a little uncomfortable, (if im center of atten with one or two ppl thats ok!)
BUT its better to try and be in the middle, a bit of both, to get the benefits of each (without the needines of being an EX. and the lonleyness of being an IN. )

 

[Huffman]

I've gotten comfortable with NOT going to the disco/bar just for picking up girls. For people like me, it's no fun and more of a chore. I always thought I just have to work on myself in order to enjoy it... but **** this! Who tells me that I have to enjoy clubs with ****ty music and people?

Rather, take a look around. Adjust your situation so you regularly meet girls during daytime. Classic ideas would be beginner's salsa classes, or even martial arts.

P.S.: SURPRISE! There are quality girls out there that do not get stone drunk in expensive clubs every day!

 

[Ease]

Im very extrovert, but even for me theres nothing worst than having boring conversations.

Flirting, teasing, joking is necesery. Flirting and teasing is for girls only however.

 

[ENIGMA16]

That's just who you are. If you don't like getting drunk and having stupid conversations or whatever then don't do it. Do what you enjoy doing most, find a way to be social with it and you will meet people that you enjoy being around and will no longer be an introvert. The girls will follow.

 

[zekko]

ever looked at the quality of the women the pick up gurus end up with...a lot of the women (if not most ) are the kinda cheap AW/trashy ones

A lot of the pickup gurus claim they can pick up ANY woman, whether she has a boyfriend or not. But if you look at their methods, if they approach a woman who doesn't respond to them, they forget that one and go to the next. So much for being able to pick up any woman.

Anyway, you're right about being in the middle. No one is 100% extrovert or introvert. Everyone falls in the middle of the scale somewhere, they have traits of both. But some people are more extreme than others.

Do what you enjoy doing most, find a way to be social with it and you will meet people that you enjoy being around and will no longer be an introvert.

Introverts can be quite social when they want to be, as long as they put some time in to learn some skills. It's a personality type, not a disease. A lot of introverts are more socially savvy than many extroverts. But beyond a certain point, they find people draining. No matter how social they are, they are not likely to change personality types. It does happen occassionally, but it's fairly rare.

I have a friend of mine who probably talks more than anyone I know, and he's an introvert. Put him in a room full of strangers and I guarantee he will dominate the conversation and form close connections with people. But he is still an introvert, and would not want to be an extrovert.