I am so lonely

[kk2004]

Guys, its so hard for me to meet new ppl and make friends that I like and do things that I enjoy. Im 19 now, and I only have one good friend. I have other friends, but they are really flaky. I call them 95% of the time, to see if they would want to hang out, but they never call me. There response most of the time was no, and once in a while they wud want to hang out. Id see them maybe twice a month, otherwise Im at home most of the time.

So now i established the fact that I need new guy friends to do the things I enjoy. Im going to college so I figure a good place to meet ppl wud be class, or a club. But the problem has not been opportunities, but rather that I was never cool enough, I still dont gel or click with anybody, Im not smart enough for the geeks and im not cool enough for the cool ppl, im just a reg joe and I just flat out suck at making friends. Maybe the fact I have social anxiety doesnt help, and that the fact that i am skinny, and have no self esteem bcuz i was made fun off as young kid. So i pretty much stay to myself, Im dying to come out of my shell, I want to do so badly, but I have no one to show me how. Knowing is so muxh diffrent than knowing how to. Im surpirsed on how my girlfriend keeps on liking me, she tells me she thinks im a great guy. Thats great but, I feel like Im so low on the social todem poll. I just dont have any cool guy friends who do the things I like to do and I can clique with at the same time. Im trying to understand my faults and my short commings so maybe someday I can be accpeted by those around me. In my neighboorhod Ive lived for 19 yrs, and I dont have a single friend, I live in NYC, queens, I wouldnt even know where to look for people like me in my neighboorhod.

So now im looking to make new friends, and for people to like me, I got to have something to offer, I feel like I really dont have much for people to like about me. Im not funny, humerous or I just dont share that same look on life, I guess what im reffering to is that self confidence and that wittiness that is so Important that i dont understand why people on this forum dont see how important conversation and wittiness is in making friends and getting girls. If your slick, and your funny and your cool = self confidence blended with wittines then you have something that almost everyone wants. Plus a positive attiude on life. Your set. Forget ****y&funny, forget Seduction, just talk, and just love yourself and just believe it. My brother whose 14 told me this "You dont need to go to those websites, we are men, and these things are built into you already, in our genes, we are men."-hes never been on this site.

Im asking someone to guide me, and tell me what i need to do. Bcuz i swear to every muther fu*king thing holy that I dont want to live like this anymore. Its like a sick disease that wont leave me.

 

[Black_Italian]

Your brother is right to a certain point we are men and it is built into a genes but social conditioning has dulled our senses so most men have lost this natural sense knower days. That’s why sites like this exist. As for making friends I broke it off with all my friends 1 month ago because they were holding me back (all AFC’s and sooks) the weekend later I went out with new people. If you go clubbing alone you will meet allot of new guys get there numbers and give them a call.

Or there’s always places like work or join a sporting team ect ect.

It can be hard making new friend personally I found it easy because with new people you can be whoever you want THEY DONT KNOW THE REAL YOU. You could be a cool guy a geek a serial killer a homosexual. They see you as just a guy so it’s your job to show them who you want to be. After they accept you that way you will come to realize that you were always that person and then you will be happy.

Ninja out


Ninja out

 

[Life-Trainee]

Show interest in what other people are doing! You're too self centered. Join a club or some kind of activity group in college. Go the the college gym after classes. More importantly talk to people! You're too worried how other people are gonna receive you, which is selfish. I was in your position in college for the first two years then I pulled my head out of my ass and started talking to people. In the last two years of college I made more aquaintances than I even had. You have to show people that you're interested in them and not that you think they too good for you. If there are regulars that you see in many of your classes, talk to them especially since you can establish solid rapport fairly quickly.

 

[spider_007]

thank your maker that your not a 22 year old guy who doesn't have any friends and never had a g/f. I think there is even a 25/27 year old on here with the same problems......

Look, your young enough, your still in highschool, or starting colleage......just get out there and do it. DON'T WAIT UNTILL IT'S TOO LATE, YOU REGRET IT (like me). Don' analize it, don't think about it, just introduce yourself to some people

geez your making me deprest here.

 

[kk2004]

ic

Thank you, but past experience has taught me that first yes I am too self centred, but then when I try to build rapport, the rapport is never good enough, they wont show me any signs of interest. Its hard to take it to the next level when your sit stuck on the first level. Yeah my best friend is holding me back, because he is so depressed and doesnt have the same views I do. Hes also very boring. I guess thats the reason why I keep getting written off from other guys, cuz they see me as boring or whatever quality they find lacking in me, which is what I want to change. I want to become more of the qualtiy that makes people become freinds.

Black italian- you realli cant meet many guys when ur afraid to open ur mouth and say "hi, what do u think about the girls here tonight" Im just not able to generate enough good rapport where i could ask for their numbers and they would happily give it to me.

Life-Trainee- yes i agree ill try to show more interest in what other's are doing, and yes i plan on joining a club or activity with people. Talking to people is hard for me though, I just cant TALK to people, its too hard, its very hard for me to not feel inferior to people. SO just even saying hi makes me so nervous and my heart races and my blood pressure rises and the anxiety shoots through the roof. When i gotta give a speech it feels like Im about to take a crap in my pants. Its really hard to forget about what people are gonna think about you, its always there in the back of my mind. Its so difficult when you have been so abused as a young child. Secondly, if I do manage to say hi, and I have enough guts to say hi, which i have done then, its so hard to establish any credible rapport or any rapport at all that they would even want to continue the conversation with me and let alone see me out of class or want to spend their free time with me. Where could i learn to establish rapport, i dont know, ive tried, my rapport sucks. But that doestn even matter cuz talking to people is something I find extreme displeasure. Just standing in a crowd of people makes me wanna puke and go sit in a room by myself. GO figure

I t makes sense spider 007 but its so hard to stop those feelings of fear inside my body, its crazy, my blood races and i get stiff and afraid.

 

[frivolousz21]

good tips from young one

 

[h2o]

Hey, I had social anxiety too, so I know where you're coming from. I used to get so nervous just getting called on to answer questions in class. I felt like I was about to pass out when giving speeches.

It seems as though you want to improve but this problem is holding you back more than anything, and killing your confidence. My suggestion would be exactly what helped me to get rid of this social anxiety.

Bombard yourself with those situations. In the past year or so, I have talked to hundreds of people. Join clubs, go out and volunteer, get involved and interact with people, do cold approaches, etc, etc. Just get out there, and put yourself in those situations. It will feel like hell, you won't like it, and I guarantee you'll get nervous, your heart will thump like crazy, and you'll turn red. But, after a while, you will start getting used to it, and soon those symptoms and thoughts will be gone. You have to keep exposing yourself to the fear in order to no longer fear it.

I know you say it's hard, but it depends on how bad you really want it. It was really difficult for me, but I dragged myself through it. And, you can't do it slowly, you have to literally bombard yourself with your fears every single day, over and over again. It took me about a year, and I did it. Sure, I still get a tinsy bit nervous when I give a speech, but nothing like it used to be, and I feel even more relaxed than the average person.

It takes practice. I know, you'll probably even hate it at first, and don't expect it to go away overnight, or even in a few weeks; It will take some time (took me about a year), so don't let your fear take over. Just carry on, because the payoff is just awesome. And in the meantime, you will get to know so many different people.

 

[DJ_in_making]

excellent post Don Rockstar

kk2004, first and foremost; stop hanging around that negative best friend of yours. It's okay to still be cool with him, but his negativity is very contagious and is taking a toll on you.
Secondly, it sounds a lot like have low self esteem. Just forget about people making fun of you in the past, you are a new person. I got teased a lot by the ghetto kids in my school b/c I choose to be my own person and didn't really give a (beep).
There is no reason to be nervous when making friends (especially guys). Just talk to the ugliest people with the least social value if that takes away the anxiety. You're going to be in college soon so DO NOT MISS OUT. make friends, joing clubs, just meet people. And meet their acquintances and so on..... just expand.
This is a dangerous cycle you have to escape. If you have such low confidence you won't have any friends, if you don't have friends, chances are you are going to have low self confidence. Break out of IT!
And just keep in mind they aren't going to judge you, everyone is thinking about themselves. While you're thinking "How did I look in front of so and so" they're going to be thinking the same exact thing...

 

[Bible_Belt]

SO just even saying hi makes me so nervous and my heart races and my blood pressure rises and the anxiety shoots through the roof. When i gotta give a speech it feels like Im about to take a crap in my pants.

There's an old sales trainer named Zig Ziglar. He said:

"Do what you fear most, and you will control your fear."

Whatever you fear, you have the choice of letting it bother you for the rest of your life or doing something about it. When you are having anxiety, your mind is feeding you scenarios that are much worse than what would actually happen if you did begin an interaction. Go talk to some strangers. Try to think about what is on their mind, and make a comment about it. Talk about the weather if you have to. Even if you make a complete ass of yourself, you will find that it is not nearly as bad as you feared, and you are still the same person regardless of what other people think about you. But you are not going to get better until you start practicing.
Find an interest, take a speech class, join Toastmaster's, (a public speaking club), but do something.

 

[gimmeyofonenumba]

thats odd. Iam 19 but the complete opposite of you. I used to be really shy about 2 yrs ago, but now Iam really outgoing, but have just moved here about 1 yr ago, and all my close friends are gone. When Iam in clubs dudes will start talking to me saying how their gonna get arrested for dancing with theese chicks, or how this girl is so freaky. I joke around with them for a lil, They seem like cool peeps, but i dunno how to make that aqquantince a friend.

Also, i meet some people in class we've chilled outside of class a few times, but when i call they never wanna hang.

 

[kk2004]

hm..

These are some great replies, thank you. All of you have given great thought out answers. Im starting to see a common theme amongst all the post and replies. All of you are telling me to just not THINK and to get up and go do it, to go do what I fear most. So that means talking to strangers and trying to make small talk, even though I might be very scared. Now im 19 yrs old, and Im going to the 2nd yr of my college, its a community college otherwise I would have joined a Frat. Now on top of my fear of opening conversations with random people, I usually have a problem with conversations themselves unless I feel really comfortable or especially good about myself that day.

In college the hot girls are usually surrounded by guys much bigger and much more well known than me, you feel as if they want you to stay away. It is impossible to get and know them becuase they run in their own circles and saying hi and keeping a conversation wouldnt yeild much. They would just go and hang out with the friends they already have, but not ask me to join because I dont give them anything, even if I was to start a conversation, the guys wouldnt want to befreind me, I would keep trying and nothing would happen and this is my story for all the guys, I have tried to befreind in college even those who i think are uncool. Its realli hard. I think the reason why I have so much trouble with conversations in the first place is becuase im always worried about my performance or the impression that I am making that im so busy paying attention to what Im looking like that I cant pay attention and actually think about what I want to say. Plus Im feeling so nervous that i cant even relax and be myself, I am starting to realize that I RARELY am myself with people becuase either of physical anxiety, or becuase im too woried what other will think or say. Ill start to stutter or mumble and try to get my words out fast. Or my brain will always be in fart mode and just have this wipped out feeling. I feel that by by being cool and to continue being cool would be the only way to make new friends and keep the old ones. So there is always a pressure of having to be cool, these techniques on sosuave.com create pressure for the newbie. I dont even know who I really am, becuase being cool is the only way to make freinds, or otherwise they wont like you, when i am around people I feel like there are restriciton on my behavior and i have to be cool. I wont even know how to be myself if somebody told me to.

In the cafeteria, girls usually sit in groups of two or three or with six or seven guys around them. Then there are a few girls which sit by themselves and the cafeteria is quite empty, so if I where to go sit next to a girl whose sitting by herself, then she would either according to my fears A) Get up and walk away. Or B) Just look down and make eye contact and give you that, 'what the hell are you doing look'. Its much easier to approach a lonely girl than a girl in a group unless you know one of the girls fairly well or there with a guy that you know. Its also really hard to talk to girls when they are walking because its so hard to stop them, esp the really hot girls, they always tend to walk fast. So the only place where I can feel remotley comfortable is maybe in a club, or down at the social hang out where there are pool tables, or a few times when people are just standing around in the hall ways. Otherwise even in class I really cant think of much to say and even if I do, it would be just meaningless small talk. You cnat expect me to not care, because I dont have enough self esteem to even try to talk to people, and that comes from neagtive thoughts which have been deep buried in my head. SO getting rid of them would take a huge amount of work and I wouldnt even know how to get rid of them. Even through all the pain , if i do manage to talk to people, I just catn seem to have anybody like me which puts me in a vicious cycle like somebody said. Im too embarrased to see a shrink

 

[Tazman]

26 y/o virgin here, although it isn't because of a lack of opportunity, rather my insecurity in taking it all the way. The best advice I can give you, which helps me talk to people, is to stop THINKING SO MUCH. You can't respond comfortably when you're so focused on your problems. I've even studdered when talking to people I've known for a long time because at the moment my mind was too focused on how I sounded, once you start that, it really messes with your head.

It really isn't that difficult if you can remember to stop thinking inwardly, you're reactions to people become much more natural and sensical. I never had this problem when I was younger because the thought hadn't crossed my mind, now that I'm older I'm obsessing over my issues with not having sex (societal pressures that even come from my own family) and it's destroying me from the inside out. I'm at my best when I'm not actively trying to "impress" people.

 

[AMF]

Originally posted by spider_007
geez your making me deprest here.

your spelling is probably making him more deprest

 

[Holland]

hey tazman, 26!?!?

Why don't you go find a really good hooker. I mean, if I would still be a virgin in 8 years I would surely do that.

 

[Bible_Belt]

You have received more good advice. The Dale Carnegie book is excellent. It was written long ago, but the psychology of people is still the same. And yes, you are overanalyzing.

And about the shrink in case you are ever able to afford one - therapy may be ok in certain circumstances, but don't let them put you on pills. They will give you Xanax and Paxil and you will be too stoned to notice what an AFC you are.

When you talk to a chick, you have to enjoy the interaction. Your enjoyment of the conversation must come first. You are teasing her to get a laugh for yourself because you are bored and nothing more. If she's too uptight to see the joke - that's her problem. As you are honing your skills, you will probably push it too far once in a while, but it's still better to be a jerk than an afc that she never notices.

Have you tried on-line dating? IM can be a crutch to help you learn how to chat with women.

 

[tristan22]

WHich book by Mr. Carnegie are you referring to?

 

[Bible_Belt]

How make friends and influence people

 

[Tazman]

hey tazman, 26!?!? Why don't you go find a really good hooker. I mean, if I would still be a virgin in 8 years I would surely do that.

Because having sex with a hooker won't solve my problems, in fact it might even make things worse. The only reason I'm still a virgin is because I never put my "penis" in a "vagina," that's it. I've had opportunites to have sex, I just never capitalized on them, and in hindsight, I think I made the right choice (in some situations). There are chicks who dig me (atleast upon seeing me), I just have to swallow my pride and go for it. I've let too many opportunities pass me by......NO MORE!!!

 

[bud_2005]

If you can get and keep a girlfriend, then you can't really be boring. She sees something in you, so other people will too.

Watch funny movies. I know it won't instantly turn you into a funny person, but over the last 10 years or so of watching some of the funniest actors ex. (Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, Chris Farley, David Spade, Will Ferrell, Jack Black, Vince Vaughn,etc.) it has really broadened my sense of humor. Plus just watching those guys put you in a good mood.

 

[madgame]

What's up h20? You said you used to have social anxiety and feel like u were about to pass out when giving a speech, but pretty much cured it through practice?

That gives me hope, because..you know I mean I used to be fairly introvert when it came to meeting new ppl..especially girls (though I never really had problems making friends), but over the last few years I've changed so much (much of it due to working out, I guess).

Anyways, I'm still working on it, but one of my biggest problems (which I was gonna do an actual therapy for) is giving public speeches. I mean when I was younger I was nervous about that type of stuff, too, but because I have a nervous disease (which nobody can tell and nobody other than my family knows, I have but which is still getting to me at times) I used to not be able to speak at times. Like when I wanted to say something the words just wouldn't come out my mouth. I guess you can imagine how nervous I was when I had to give a speech in class with that problem (and not even knowing it was due to a disease at the time). I gave the speech (my part ended up being less than a minute because I hurried and didnt plan on giving a long speech as u can imagine lol..), but I almost really passed out during it and started sweating..and I think around that time is when this other problem started: I couldnt look strangers in the eye on the street, because when I did I'd start shaking (I think only shaking inside if u get what I mean) crazily and would have to look away immediately..I tried to look people in the eyes again and again but just couldnt overcome it..but now I started the bootcamp again and though Im still doing the Hi's, I see it's helping me a great deal and I think even that shaking thing when I looked people in the eyes has gone away (its definetly faded maybe its even gone for good). So anyways I hope by doing the bootcamp I'll overcome that public speech problem, too and will be able to further overcome and eventually be really good at it by joining some (small) public speech classes and stuff. I only thought about being able to overcome that anxiety problem by doing the BC, too and now you tell me your speech problem has almost disappeared after overcoming your social anxiety...that just built me up a little more, dude.