I am BPD male !!! Something kinda new to me

[Janez]

Hello guys

Some of you know me for b*tching about my relationship with BPD woman etc. Some of you may have noticed I have wrote some weird crazy posts etc.

And some of you probably know I had hard times like so many of us here with BPD woman. Anyway, after seeing psychiatrist, going to therapy and doing some tests, I will soon be diagnosed for at least 1 PD. Personally I believe I am Avoidant personality disorder (ClusterC) though psych test showed indications of ASPD (antisocial personality disorder). Also strong indications of BPD which obviously I am.

I enjoy anger. I do drug abuse. I do drive car drunk (although I drive carefully and I had no accident and no cops problems not even once, and I drive very carefully, especially if someone else is in the car). I am very agressive (which is more ASPD thing actually). With my exBPD I really enjoyed fights and things when i was putting her down. I knew for her she is BPD but I couln't see for myself. Well diagnosis is not yet official but can be official in 14 days for sure i think. I will for sure let you know. Things became very much clear for me later after talking with my psychiatrist on monday and i am also going to some kind of introduction to cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) where 10 ppl are in group with very different problems.


Anyway this is where I introduced myself and I want to have my own thread. My mission will be to come out of this cluster B/C mess and recover from it and live fully happy life. My other mission could be finding the way into BPD heart and never let BPD go away. Well this might be mission suicide, but I have some tools for fools and I have advantage over other guys that are not PD. My life is a game. I play games all life. I am extremly competitive in computer games. I live life the same way with ppl. I was very succesful until i was 18, when trouble started. I can be very manipulative, but that is for me way of living. And I didn't even know that. I am somehow limited in some areas it seems (that said doctors report which I read).

If you guys can help me out of PD sh*t, I might give some good advice in dealing with BPD. I am not evil. But sometimes I do evil things. I was brought up as honest person. And my bpd might not b e that serious or whatever.


Kontrollerx, I have sent you personal message. If you didn't want to answer it because you don't want to deal with BPD in any way, well I hope you will respond now

I smoked some weed before writing this and I need help. But I want help you back. Lets do something for everyone. Are you guys with me??


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and btw, I would really like to have a woman. But I am kinda unable to get one decent, because my self esteem is very low. But it is very low for very long time. But I think I am very good observer for other women. And sometimes i get into some cool situations with women, but lately I was addicted to some girl I met on suicide forum. But she kinda only found me as friend and I think it is time to bail. I also got f*buddy but she is really not very good, like 5 at best. But in night it is not so bad. I got bored with her, at start she was like 6 for me lol. Easy f*ck on first date so I kept her. I want some better looking and more quality woman but I am kinda... messed up in the moment. But things will get better in time for sure. Any idea where to start? ...

 

[darkstarrr]

Hello guys

Some of you know me for b*tching about my relationship with BPD woman etc. Some of you may have noticed I have wrote some weird crazy posts etc.

And some of you probably know I had hard times like so many of us here with BPD woman. Anyway, after seeing psychiatrist, going to therapy and doing some tests, I will soon be diagnosed for at least 1 PD. Personally I believe I am Avoidant personality disorder (ClusterC) though psych test showed indications of ASPD (antisocial personality disorder). Also strong indications of BPD which obviously I am.

I enjoy anger. I do drug abuse. I do drive car drunk (although I drive carefully and I had no accident and no cops problems not even once, and I drive very carefully, especially if someone else is in the car). I am very agressive (which is more ASPD thing actually). With my exBPD I really enjoyed fights and things when i was putting her down. I knew for her she is BPD but I couln't see for myself. Well diagnosis is not yet official but can be official in 14 days for sure i think. I will for sure let you know. Things became very much clear for me later after talking with my psychiatrist on monday and i am also going to some kind of introduction to cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) where 10 ppl are in group with very different problems.


Anyway this is where I introduced myself and I want to have my own thread. My mission will be to come out of this cluster B/C mess and recover from it and live fully happy life. My other mission could be finding the way into BPD heart and never let BPD go away. Well this might be mission suicide, but I have some tools for fools and I have advantage over other guys that are not PD. My life is a game. I play games all life. I am extremly competitive in computer games. I live life the same way with ppl. I was very succesful until i was 18, when trouble started. I can be very manipulative, but that is for me way of living. And I didn't even know that. I am somehow limited in some areas it seems (that said doctors report which I read).

If you guys can help me out of PD sh*t, I might give some good advice in dealing with BPD. I am not evil. But sometimes I do evil things. I was brought up as honest person. And my bpd might not b e that serious or whatever.


Kontrollerx, I have sent you personal message. If you didn't want to answer it because you don't want to deal with BPD in any way, well I hope you will respond now

I smoked some weed before writing this and I need help. But I want help you back. Lets do something for everyone. Are you guys with me??

I have dependent personality disorder.

Bro just because you display symptoms shortly after or during an emotional disatser (triggering event) does not mean you are all these things you say you are. There is a profound difference than being a certain way over time (years for example) than displaying these kind of traits after a triggering event.

Don't be so tough on yourself.

 

[Janez]

I just think this is the key of my life long search for "the truth". I am trying to find something missing in my world for all life almost. I think thats the key now. And even if it is not. Man I know how I am feeling whole life. I know I was sickly obsessed always with women and felt very suicidal always and bad when losing a woman. I have not been feeling right for at least 7 yrs. I read that too much weed can cause BPD. My house is nonstop anger inside and happy outside. My sister was told she is very black white thinking by many ppl. It is many evidence. I might not be all these and I might be easily recovered in short time. 1 thing I know for sure is that I am very bright (on iq tests i score 126-135 which is quite high.. not genious of course ). I will get through this. 1 problem for me is those downs I have when woman is leaving me. ... It is really bad. But I see life long pattern with women. I didn't have normal relationship whole life except with my exBPD. (see pattern of BPD here... ?? )

Something was not right my whole life. And test said I have some emotional shortcomings or something.

Thank you very much for your response so fast.

 

[Splendidostring]

Hey

I'm with Darkstarr there,

Exemple. You say you can be manipulative. Newsflash, everyone can be when put into extreme situations. I had such attitude when I was in a deep **** situation. If you were a sociopath, that'd be a different story, otherwise it's just a self-defense mecanism. That's it.

On a different level, it's vital to say everyone has mental issues. Most people are able to function with it (normal people) but still, deep down we all keep some pretty ****ed up stuff we don't tell people.

 

[horaholic]

I read that too much weed can cause BPD

This statement alone makes me call bullshyt. Are you maybe just stoned, so you think you have BPD? I highly doubt anyone with BPD would EVER be open to the fact that they are mentally disturbed, let alone admit to it. i think you are either stoned, a hypochondriac, or an attention hor. Either way, you might wanna see a therapist or something to get your head straight.
Good luck.

And BTW, get your own signature!

 

[Janez]

horaholic: for me it does not really matter. yeah I was stoned yesterday.

1 thing that hit it for me is black white thinking I was discussing with my sister. I know I have mental problems for long time. I am avoidant. In same day I can be feeling very high or low. Let's just wait 14 days so my psyhiatrist will give me diagnosis and we go on from there.

I don't cut myself. I never did. I had suicidal thoughts since I was like 12 or so.. But it got really worse at age of 18 and later. Since then nonstop these highs or lows that can really change in 1 day. And my obsession with girls. BPD/whatever PD is spectrum. While I am sure my ex is BPD, I know I am not as f*ked up as she is. But still so much anger. And I enjoyed putting her down. I enjoy fights. I know how I have been feeling and ... well whatever lets just wait then.

About signature. It is my own. I did not copy it from whoever. I feel resentment in your message towards me. And I am in program. Now it is simple introduction to CBT, that will last 3 weeks, and then half year of real CBT. If I am bpd I will ask psych for schema therapy which is said to be most effective dealing with that disorder.


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this is some online test I did few weeks ago. well whatever I don't need a label to know that I am not really living life the way I would want. Why I would feel so suicidal just because 1 girl don't like me more as a friend. Then I argue with her. And put her down. Then she ignores me. And then I feel like world is over and I obsessly need her attention.

http://psychologytoday.psychtests.com/tests/do_i_need_therapy_access.html


What do your responses tell us?

Although your scores were generally quite good, you scored well outside the normal range in at least one category. This suggests that you should probably consult with a mental health professional for further testing or treatment. There is most certainly a professional out there who can help improve the symptoms you are experiencing.

The following are the areas of concern detected by the screening:

* You show strong signs of substance abuse.
* Your symptoms point to Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder.
* Your symptoms point to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
* You show signs of Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
* Your responses indicated that your relationships are at least in some way dysfunctional, and may be causing problems in your life.
* Your responses strongly indicate that you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder.

The test also detected symptoms of one or more disorders that did not meet all the criteria, but that may still merit treatment.

The following are the areas of concern detected by the screening:

* You experience some symptoms of substance dependence.
* You have experienced symptoms of a major depressive episode, but not enough to qualify as a full-blown episode, or as major depressive disorder.
* Although you meet the criteria for the frequency of symptoms, your symptoms do not appear to be severe enough to meet the criteria for Major Depressive Disorder.
* You experience some symptoms of Simple Phobia.
* You experience some symptoms of Social Phobia.
* You appear to have some obsessive thoughts.
* You experience some symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.

 

[horaholic]

I took the test too, for the hell of it. Similar results too, I might add:

The following are the areas of concern detected by the screening:
• You show strong signs of substance abuse.
I hang out in the bars too much. Social alcoholism, hardly ever do drugs.
• Your symptoms point to Major Depressive Disorder.Yes, this is true.

• You show signs of suffering from a Simple Phobia.
• You appear to suffer from panic disorder with agoraphobia.

I sort of made enemies with the wrong people last year, and I try to avoid hanging out in the same places as them. This is what I was referring to for those questions. I sure as fvck dont panic. I play in bands and have never had stagefright, even when opening up for national acts in front of thousands of people. I am NOT agoraphobic. Im nothing more than a little shy, and I prefer to hang out with MY kind of people, and Im a little uncomfortable when Im out of my element.

• Your symptoms point to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

The only thing Im OCD about is sex, and porn.

The test also detected symptoms of one or more disorders that did not meet all the criteria, but that may still merit treatment.
The following are the areas of concern detected by the screening:

• You experience some symptoms of substance dependence.

see above
• You have experienced symptoms of a manic episode.

Im not sure where they got that from

• You experience some symptoms of Social Phobia.
• You exhibit some compulsive thoughts or behaviors.

Once again, see above

• You experience some symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.

That would be my BPD ex

• You experience some symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I feel a little restless at times

• You appear to suffer from some symptoms of Borderline Personality disorder.

?????????????? Shoot me now!

This is a pretty black and white test and it is incorrect in several areas. To the OP, Im not saying your making this up, but you almost sound like you wanted to be labelled with PD's. Back when I used to smoke weed, I was a total hypochondriac when I was stoned. I'd hear something about cancer, and then think I had a lump on my left nut. Stuff like that. Dont get me wrong, good for you for seeking help, whatever the official diagnosis will be.

It just seems that lately, everyone is jumping on the BPD train, and I am hesitant to believe new accounts that dont describe MANY, SPECIFIC examples of said BPD behaviour. I also believe a true BPD would not be honest with themselves about it, let alone the psych test. How can they, when they believe their own lies?

I PM'd the mods to have the BPD thread unlocked, but I understand one of their points, which is people slapping up the BPD label, just because their chick was crazy, thus avoiding the fact that they were in fact responsible for putting/keeping themselves in the situation. People who have dealt with true BPD's cant help but type on and on about the whacked out altered reality/hell they went through. Similar to war vets, we can TELL, if someone's really has been 'in the shyt,' so to speak. The intensity of peoples descriptions, and the sheer craziness of their stories, is a sure fire indicator.

Anyway, good luck with your treatments, and I hope you can start to live a full life.

 

[Janez]

horaholic, yeah I understand your concern about blaming everything on BPD. And I understand you might think I would be attention seeking/hypohondriac/whatever.

I have posted this

http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87748.0

on bpdfamily forum. I have some shortcomings, my life was not at the point where I wanted to be, so I was seeking help. I tried many things, and whether if my problems could be labeled as BPD or not, does not really matter. It is just a label, and behind the label there is a human being. I believe I am good human at heart and I know I hurt some ppl in the past. Just being labeled as BPD does not automatically makes me bad person. Even better, if I am not BPD. I could be simply labeled as AFC for being impulsive and unable to control my eagerness for women, obsession, dealing with "problematic" women...

I want life as easy and as full and joy-full as possible. I hope my boat goes in the right direction.

If someone is interesting in dealing with BPD's and recovering after bad episode, well, I believe I put some good piece of information there on BPDfamily.

Man I wrote so much stuff today.

Good day and best regards,

 

[oakraiderz2]

What is the obsession with BPD on this site? No one here can really help you except your psychatrist or psychologist.

 

[darkstarrr]

What is the obsession with BPD on this site? No one here can really help you except your psychatrist or psychologist.

I hope you don't find out first hand!

 

[oakraiderz2]

I hope you don't find out first hand!

I know what it is and i know what it consist of, but it seems that theres somewhat of a fascination with it since it was mentioned previously a while ago.

 

[horaholic]

Its not that, its just that a lot of people have just discovered what it is, and thought they were alone in the situation. Now they've found others, who they can relate to. Of course it will be a hot topic. A lot of eyes have recently been opened to this, including mine, and its nice to be able to talk with other 'survivors' about it, when we previously thought we were alone, and noone could possibly understand. It's like a newly formed mini support group.