Hurting right now

[Heretolearn]

Never thought I would say it. Of all people, you have no idea how bizarre and unlikely it is for this paradigm shift to occur in me.

This site and most of the words of advice is unfortunately on the money. A female in my life who I never thought would act a certain way, did. I found out from her that she had lied to me about issues which I consider important. Our 2 year relationship was founded upon lies.

Why did she lie. Because she believed the truth was none of my business. I am still in absolute shock.

My first reaction when I heard her tell me about her lie was to get up and leave but then I realised that was harsh and sat back down to understand. She then reacted to my getting up and leaving as reinforcement of her reason to lie. I.e 'see, you are just like everyone else' 'no wonder I lie'

* The lie was how many men that she has been with. All in all it was a bad night as she called me her new bf's name twice by mistake which drained my blood. Why were we meeting. This is related to my first posts here. Her brother was stabbed during our relationship and I promised to do the case. She then broke up with me later for another guy and tormented me saying 'you want to know who it is' to which I replied 'its not me, thats all I need to know, stay the F out of my life apart from the case'. I told her i would keep my promise, finish the case then dissapear.

One year hence. Almost completed the case. One to two months to go. Had a meeting with the family last night. Briefing on what needs to be done, going well, then she called me by her new bfs name. Everyone laughed and knew what was going on. I turned white and started shaking. I finished the meeting but had to leave afterwards.

She then used my reaction against me because I was too volatile if something that silly could get to me.

The relationship has really hurt me with people. I do not trust anyone anymore. Not since we broke up. I do not even trust my friends or strangers as sad as that sounds. My family are all I trust now.

Such a horrible feeling and way of living.
Yes, I have met and seen other girls since. Woohoo It means nothing.

I refuse to open myself up.

* your thoughts, experiences and words are much appreciated.

 

[drZaius09]

Why did she lie. Because she believed the truth was none of my business.

It probably was.

* The lie was how many men that she has been with.

It was.


CONCLUSION: I really dont understand your story very well, but I do know that your priorities are way out of order... WAY out of order.

 

[Sun Tzu]

Are you a lawyer or something like that? Your communication is a little disjointed but that's understandable because of the state you're in.

Do what you have to do minimally to fulfill any further obligations you have, and then let it go. EVERYTHING you do involving her and/or her family must, absolutely must be done on your terms and according to your schedule. If there is a reason you must meet, reject the suggested time and inform them you are available at such-and-such a time for X amount of minutes.

You are lacking a sense of control, my friend, and you must act immediately to establish dominance and control. Do anything and everything you can to eliminate this drain on your emotions. If you can get out of whatever this "case" obligation is, then do it, and do it now.

You are in charge. You call the shots. I hope you're not hanging on to her with a secret hope that you might be able to get her back.

If you heed my advice, you will enjoy a new-found feeling of self-respect and control over your circumstance. You've been a member of this board for enough time to know that what I just said makes sense and if followed will anchor you.

Sun Tzu has spoken.

 

[Heretolearn]

It probably was.



It was.


CONCLUSION: I really dont understand your story very well, but I do know that your priorities are way out of order... WAY out of order.

Please explain what you mean about my priorities

 

[KarmaSutra]

B!tch did you a HUGE fvckin' favor. The only question she has any right to ask you is " Why does your face smell like pvssy?"

 

[Heretolearn]

Are you a lawyer or something like that? Your communication is a little disjointed but that's understandable because of the state you're in.

yes

Do what you have to do minimally to fulfill any further obligations you have, and then let it go. EVERYTHING you do involving her and/or her family must, absolutely must be done on your terms and according to your schedule. If there is a reason you must meet, reject the suggested time and inform them you are available at such-and-such a time for X amount of minutes.

I am trying this but it is very hard. You should have seen what happened last time. Eg. Just had to organise a meeting.

my email: Need to meet, how about this time, details etc
reply: no, how about next day
me, no, busy that day, these are your choices (2 days and times) *my only free time but I had to rearrange my schedule considerably
response: **** you

*Then phonecall from her and 1 hour long argument over my insensitivity and rigidity. Accused of trying to annoy her. Ended up settling on the second time I proposed but this all left me exhausted, disheartened and frustrated.

You are lacking a sense of control, my friend, and you must act immediately to establish dominance and control. Do anything and everything you can to eliminate this drain on your emotions. If you can get out of whatever this "case" obligation is, then do it, and do it now.

I am almost there! 2 more months at most!

You are in charge. You call the shots. I hope you're not hanging on to her with a secret hope that you might be able to get her back.

I wish I was. I wish I was either extreme of never seeing her face again, goodbye OR I want you back. I am in limbo. I miss her so much but cannot see us together as my life is so uncertain. I am unsure as to what I want to do with my life.

If you heed my advice, you will enjoy a new-found feeling of self-respect and control over your circumstance. You've been a member of this board for enough time to know that what I just said makes sense and if followed will anchor you.

Sun Tzu has spoken.

Thank you my friend! You have no idea how much your words ring true and hit home. Especially 'anchor' for that is what i have been lacking.

 

[Heretolearn]

Sun Tzu is right about the lack of control. It seems as if this female has a way of 'getting' at you. Which would make it extremely odd if you are a lawyer. If you are indeed a lawyer, then I would imagine that she gets to you because your emotions are still strongly attached with her.

Exactly. She does because I shared my soul with her. I showed my bones.

Self-respect and self-awareness are the things you should be looking into. Why is it that she can so easily tear you down? Is your character so obvious that she can easily see right through you? Do you feel when she argues with you that she's right and you're wrong?

In our relationship I was a stubborn ****. I would fight back at the time then later realise her point was valid. I have chilled out and matured much since.

When she laughs at you, do you even know what her intentions are and how to deal with it?

This confused me. Please elaborate.

There are a lot of fine details in your story that are unknown. If you've kept your eyes open throughout the entire ordeal, now you'll have to reflect on it and learn from it. Was it your mistake? Most probably it is. Why? Because she's happily tearing you down and enjoying every moment of it and you're miserable and the only way you know how to handle it is by closing yourself up.

Well said!

What does it mean to open yourself up and trust others? Do you do it so that others will do 'nice' things for you and treat you 'good'? Or do you trust others and understand that it is about taking a risk. Do you realize that without taking this risk, you are only distancing yourself from having any meaningful relationship with others? What is it that you understand about yourself and the things you do? Examine yourself closely or you'll fall in the trap of taking false actions that will never bring you closer to your goal.

I need some time to digest this powerful paragraph. Thank you!

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Sweet Mother Mary, YENDOR, spin more fukken plates brother. You invested your ego into this one, solitary woman with a borderline personality disorder; how many other potential women did you miss out on who would have been a better fit for you? You're on the downside of a ONEitis right now, I know because I WAS you. She could spit in your face and you'd take her back, she can fukk other men (figuratively or literally) and you'll take her back, stop being the cuckold of this psychotic. If this girl was your best male friend what would you do? If he treated you in a similar fashion would you react the same way?

You're on the downside of a ONEitis, now do you understand the importance of spinning plates? Now do you understand why it is you should resist committment until you've had the experience and maturity that comes from multiple options? Now do you see why I advocate not becoming monogamous with a woman until you're at least 30?

 

[Sun Tzu]

If there is any possibility at all of extricating yourself from this case, I urge you to do so immediately. Can you hand this off to another person, perhaps a partner or colleague?

So what if you are percieved as "insensitive", etc. I'm not sure why you seem to have such a sense of obligation to her, although I know that when you're right in the thick of things it can seem like there's no way out. I would suggest that you purpose in your mind to rid yourself of this cancer any way you possibly can. This must be your life mission right now. She is eroding you, as you are well aware.

Regarding your one hour argument, this has to stop. You are the man, you are in control. You must learn the art of detachment. This is critical to your victory. Do not get sucked into arguments. You can do it.

If you simply must, without question, finish this case yourself and you say you have at the most two months left, then use that time to practice the art of detachment. You have a problem here, but wise is the man who leverages his problems to his advantage.

Yes, wise is that man, and free.

 

[penkitten]

why did she lie? to save face and not look like trash by saying exactly what her sexual past was.

why did she call you her new bfs name? to yank your chain, to get a reaction and for the giggles of it.

you have to try your best not to react, and if you have to react, you gotta react in a different manner.

 

[joekerr31]

you can't trust other people because you've seen the sh*t that walks this planet in human forms.

BUT, the ying and yang good news is that there are some AMAZING people out there also.

einstein once said that the only choice that's really important is whether we see hte world as a friendly place or a hostile place. and that the choice we make on that front determines the world we live in.

here are some very very very basic truths about your situation that you have to keep in mind at all times:

1) this girl is NOT a good person. this is a person who if they don't get what they want try to make other people PAY. and she'll never get what she wants, because what she wants is to not be a slut, but any guy shes honest with sees her as one. she let man after man bust on her ass and now she hates men for "making" her a bonifide slut. you can't win with her, she hates men and wants to make them pay. she knows shes trash and has no problem lying, becuase the truth is too painful for her to deal with. and when you react the way you did she KNOWS, that very first split second, she KNOWS that deep down you saw her as a slut.

2) this girl wouldn't be able to get to you so badly if you truly loved yourself and believed that a great future is going to unfold for you and that your life is going to be just fine. if you believed this, you'd see yourself as the prize, and you'd see her as the poor wretched twisted woman who is so f*cked in the head that she missed out on the prize. and it is also because you don't believe this that you are susceptible to her bullsh*t mind games like laughing at you. If I had been you and she laughed i would have stared at her stone cold and said "Grow up. Seriously, you really need to grow up."

3) you know the world is a dog eat dog place, BUT theres a secret that not to many people know about how it all works. the world may be dog eat dog, but guess what, it's all bark and no bite. at any time, in almost any situation, you CAN step away from whatever is pissing you off. people don't realize that they CAN walk away. from a job. from a chic. from a spouse. etc. The only things you can't walk away from are your kids. And if people would just realize that they have a HUGE amount of control in almost any situation, because they CAN just walk away at any time if they want - once they realize this suddenly they feel empowered and take control.


this chic was brought into your life to make you stronger and see a higher reality. don't let her drag you down. use her drag to motivate you to climb higher.

oh and you'll be able to trust others when you don't need others to feel good about yourself. you know what, someone f*cks me over in life, i cut them loose nad move on. My life remains great without them! because I'm great in my own mind. When life gets me down, I pick myself up - i remind myself that I'm a great f*cking guy and wouldn't want to be anyone else in the entire world.

oh, it might also help for you to maybe read some philosophy or biographies of great folks. find a few heros out there. Personally Gandhi is one of my heros. No matter how tough or crappy life gets I just think "what would the G man do?" and bang, instantly i'm reminded that I don't have to let all the people thrashing around in the gutter get me down. With one breath I rise above them all and go back to enjoying life.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Joekerr31,



Excellent post, man...EXCELLENT.





Peace...one day.

 

[KarmaSutra]

Brother Joekerr, welcome back. Long time no see.

 

[Bonhomme]

joekerr31's post is right on.

Pass off the case. Then once that loose end is properly, professionally, and dispassionately tied up, to hell with her. You need to cut her completely out of your life, and follow the advice above.

 

[azanon]

misc

yendor28,

Its hard for me to be helpful and insightful because in my opinion, you were in the wrong for the way this escalated.

Yendor/guys, it is not your business how many men a woman has slept with. Read that 2 more times, look up in the air, close your eyes, reflect, and absorb it. If you ignore this truth and ask anyway, expect and deserve the lie that will immediately follow. The only thing you have a right to, if you so insist on it, would be for her to go to an ob/gyn for a sexual health checkup and to give you the paperwork. Personally, i just recommend guaging her character and hoping for the best, but you do have that right if your personal health is very high on your list and you don't mind the relatively high risk of alienating her by asking for one (the checkup).

If i understood you right, she didn't actually cheat on you. She had past boyfriends, and boyfriends after the breakup, but didn't cheat, right? So you had an intense moment and she called you by one of their names. That's without a doubt, an honest mistake. My personal response wouldn't be to poke fun at you for getting upset for an unjustified reason, but that doesn't make your getting upset for unjustified reasons any less wrong either.

Jealously is a weakness, not a strength. I'm not even open to debate about it. I think its cruel that she actually took pleasure in seeing you get upset months (years?) later because calling you by a boyfriend's name still makes you mad, but like i stated in my last paragraph, it doesnt make your jealousy issues any less ok. She's wrong to do that to you. You need to work on yourself so that you are unaffected by it.

If you have to, flirt with even developing a tad bit of arrogance. You're a lawyer for peeks sake. Maybe by overshooting it (shooting for arrogance), in reality, you'll just end up being a confident man completely immune to a situation such as this one.

Azanon

 

[Bonhomme]

So, were all these other sexual partners all before and after the relationship?

That would put it in a whole different arena. When I first read the post, I was under the impression she was cheating on you when you were involved with her.

 

[azanon]

misc

I looked at it again too, and i cant tell. The only thing that seemed clear was "lying about how many men she had been with", which i took to mean just that. I agree, actually cheating during an agreed upon, and exclusive relationship would be a bit of a different animal and i'd be open to amending some of my comments as well.

Azanon

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

ANDREW DICE CLAY: "Is that your chick there?"

GUY IN AUDIENCE: "Yeah,.."

ADC: "She's pretty hot. Does she fukk good?"

GIA: "Oh yeah!"

ADC: "She suck a good dikk?"

GIA: "For sure!"

ADC: "I suppose the next question is 'how do you think she got that way'?"


I love a slut, just so long as she's MY slut.

 

[WestCoaster]

Why does everyone worry about pasts? I'm more concerened with the present and future. I was a royal AFC in the past, I'm not now. That's worse than being a guy who slept around a lot, to be honest.

Shared "your soul" -- pleeeeeeeeeease. That is so anti-DJ it's sorry.

Like a few zillion people on this planet: You had a girlfriend, she'd -- horrors! -- slept with other men in the past, it didn't work out, you broke up. Several million people will break up today regarding a similar situation.

Not trying to diminish the heartbreak of breaking up, it's no fun, but please don't hold anyone's past against them. They didn't know you then.

As always, more on and date others -- otherS as in plural.

 

[wayword]

Why does everyone worry about pasts? I'm more concerened with the present and future.

Because a person's past is a fair predictor of a person's future. People all carry baggage and repeat old patterns. Old habits die hard. Why do you think companies do background checks?

If she's a lying cheat when you met her, she'll probably lie and cheat on you too... Deuurr?

Anyways, drop the oneitis already and move on. That is the solution to 90% of all bych problems.