How to tell your gf she's overweight? damage control

[Lord of Dirt]

Hey there fellas,

Long time lurker here. First time poster. I cannot stress enough that you guys give great advice. My dating record and overall quality of life have improved drastically since first reading these articles 6 years ago.

I got a 1 yr gf. She's been slowly but consistently gaining weight. Not fat, but definitely getting chubby. She's still very attractive. But she's losing points, and she doesn't exercise.

Last night, we went out for a dessert snack. I told her quite directly "You need to exercise." She completely blew up and started up on soap opera drama. She acted like I had just completely attacked her. I apologized profusely about being rude but (meekly) asserted my point that she could take care of herself better. I ended up sleeping alone that evening.

I love this chick. I want her to improve. But I obviously tripped up on some sensitive issues here.

What's a man to do about this situation? It seems like right now, ANYTHING I say will piss her off more. If I go AFC and apologize again, I'm at fault. If I continue to assert my anti-fat opinions, I'm at fault.

How do I get this damaged situation under control? Maybe I should write her an email?

Thanks buds!

 

[backseatjuan]

I told my chick she needs to loose belly fat (after birth) and stop smoking. Never have I been yelled at or not given sex. I've chose her like that.

It is OK to tell your chick she is getting fat.

If she was interested in you she'd agree and start doing something. But it sounds yours is with you for company, for now. Start looking for another chick.

 

[J Roc]

dump that b1tch

 

[Sofomore]

This has happened to me with both of my LTRs. Instead of making it direct like what you did, you need to drop hints until they get it. "Hey I'm going to the gym today, wanna come?"

If you ask her every other day, she will get the hint. She might ask "why?" and you say "no reason, I just thought it would be fun for us to work out together"

As for your situation...no clue man. Haha good luck.

 

[VladPatton]

Ever notice almost everyone gets fat when they are in a relationship for a while? I say phuck that. You should be in shape, she should be in shape, and you should both do physical things together. Don't say you are sorry anymore, you stated a true opinion. You will be lying to yourself if you backpedal.

Truth of the matter is, she doesn't care about her body too much anymore because she knows she has you. Give her a break for a few months and you'll see her get in shape in order to keep you. If she doesn't, well there you go, she doesn't care and it's time for you to ditch her.

PS: The last thing I'd be doing is going out to eat desserts. Have sex, it burns calories!

 

[Lord of Dirt]

Ha ha, thanks guys!

backseatjuan - Last night my gf and I didn't boink mostly because she was on the rag. Hurt feelings + rag = no booty.

I generally prefer Sofomore's and VladPatton's advice about being patient, persistent and not being so baldly direct about my anti-fat opinions.

I've hinted to her in the past that we should work out together or that she should go to the gym for her physical and mental well-being. She has vaguely promised that she would exercise more. She has a gym membership, but never goes. I will have to be more persistent about hinting that she should exercise.

I think her extreme reaction to my comments was due to her devastated feelings. She was hurting really, really bad.

Now, how do I pacify this situation while still maintaining my anti-fat stance?

 

[Lord of Dirt]

For now, I want to pacify the situation and de-escalate the hurt feelings before anything else. I think I might send my gf this email. Check it out. Whaddya all think?

"My GF,

I feel absolutely terrible about last night. You were completely devastated. I'm heartbroken that I hurt you so. I can't stop thinking about you and I wish I could take away the pain you feel.

Please note that I didn't say you were fat or obese. I said that you need exercise. I wasn't trying to attack you or insult you. But yes, I was being more direct. I'm sorry that I was so rude about it.

Do I think you're beautiful? Absolutely yes. Sexy? Absolutely. Do I still enjoy ****ing you? I can't get enough. Holding your hand and cuddling like teenagers? Of course. You still look very, very good.

But I believe you could take care of yourself better. It wouldn't take much. And I think you know this to be the truth, or you wouldn't have reacted so extremely to my words.

Baby, If I didn't care about you, I wouldn't have said anything at all. But I love you dearly and care about you deeply, however much of a rude ass I seem to be.

Me"

 

[SgtSplacker]

By telling her something like that flat out all you achieved was polarizing her against your cause. It's turning into a thing of you against her now. You cannot tell a woman those things, ever... this is exactly the kind of stuff that these early relationships should be teaching you. What you need to do is stop trying to tell her she is fat, she already knows that. And start being "weight loss friendly" you should also jump on this band wagon with her whether you need to loose weight or not. You need to lead by example here.

Order low fat foods.

Go to low fat food places to eat.

Plan healthy activities (bike riding, beach, sports, etc)

Make healthy food at home.

Eat healthy food with her.

Don't let her see you pigging out.

 

[EastWind]

For now, I want to pacify the situation and de-escalate the hurt feelings before anything else. I think I might send my gf this email. Check it out. Whaddya all think?

"My GF,

I feel absolutely terrible about last night. You were completely devastated. I'm heartbroken that I hurt you so. I can't stop thinking about you and I wish I could take away the pain you feel.

Please note that I didn't say you were fat or obese. I said that you need exercise. I wasn't trying to attack you or insult you. But yes, I was being more direct. I'm sorry that I was so rude about it.

Do I think you're beautiful? Absolutely yes. Sexy? Absolutely. Do I still enjoy ****ing you? I can't get enough. Holding your hand and cuddling like teenagers? Of course. You still look very, very good.

But I believe you could take care of yourself better. It wouldn't take much. And I think you know this to be the truth, or you wouldn't have reacted so extremely to my words.

Baby, If I didn't care about you, I wouldn't have said anything at all. But I love you dearly and care about you deeply, however much of a rude ass I seem to be.

Me"

Sorry to rain on your parade, but you're basically handing her your balls on a silver plate.

Best is probably to let it go, provided she goes back to her usual behavior towards you. If she keeps being cold simply because you voiced your opinion (provided you did so in a considerate and civil way), then she isn't for you.

If you establish that she can let herself go or impose whatever she fancies on you, you're gonna have a bad time.

The high road is to get back to the discussion, and tell her in a friendly, but assertive way that you've noticed she put on weight and it's affecting your attraction towards her. She should be able to deduce what's going on. But it hinges on your willingness to walk away, if need be. Obviously her weight gain should be important enough for you off the relationship if it comes to it.

 

[Leporello]

You usually can't tell a girl she's fat unless you're her pimp. Otherwise, the only way is to start a major exercise regimen and ask her to do it with you (Come on, it'll be romantic...).

 

[Lord of Dirt]

bradd80, SgtSplacker, Leporello - thanks for this great advice! I will implement a combination of your ideas.

EastWind - I know my email letter to the girl is a bit wimpy AFC. My gf was really devastated, and she thinks I'm an ******* to begin with. Ha ha, indeed I can be (thanks, SoSuave). That's why I think maybe I should hand my balls to her for now until the dust settles. Then, when she's ok again, I'll make her get to work. Ha ha ha, does that sound like a strategy?

 

[SgtSplacker]

Don't give her your balls, try flowers instead, with a nice mushy "I love you" and a good boning. That'll do the trick...

 

[EastWind]

EastWind - I know my email letter to the girl is a bit wimpy AFC. My gf was really devastated, and she thinks I'm an ******* to begin with. Ha ha, indeed I can be (thanks, SoSuave). That's why I think maybe I should hand my balls to her for now until the dust settles. Then, when she's ok again, I'll make her get to work. Ha ha ha, does that sound like a strategy?

"I told my good friend something honest that's for his best, now he's offended and not talking to me, I figure I should grovel and just do whatever he wants all the time until he forgives me."

That sounds pretty horrible, actually.

The point in all this is that her gaining weight bothers you, right? (I thought that was the whole point of this thread.) Either because of the immediate visuals or because it's a telltale sign that she's letting herself go in a relationship.

Furthermore, even though she's hurt (which she's allowed to be), her acting like a cold distant ***** is a red flag. What's going to happen down the road in this relationship of yours? You'll express discontent with something she's done and she'll go cold on you. Fun ****ing relationship that will be.

 

[Boilermaker]

Be absolutely clear about it.

This is no joke, and no amount of criticism is overdoing it.

 

[Lord of Dirt]

Thanks a lot for the help, fellas. I truly appreciate the time you've taken to read and help me out!

 

[SgtSplacker]

"I told my good friend something honest that's for his best, now he's offended and not talking to me, I figure I should grovel and just do whatever he wants all the time until he forgives me."

That sounds pretty horrible, actually.

The point in all this is that her gaining weight bothers you, right? (I thought that was the whole point of this thread.) Either because of the immediate visuals or because it's a telltale sign that she's letting herself go in a relationship.

Furthermore, even though she's hurt (which she's allowed to be), her acting like a cold distant ***** is a red flag. What's going to happen down the road in this relationship of yours? You'll express discontent with something she's done and she'll go cold on you. Fun ****ing relationship that will be.

If you really do think this way then you just ruled out about 98% of the female population. The "fat button" is one most ladies have and it does not usually apply to other things...

 

[muscleman]

I hope you didn't send her that email. It was extremely painful to read (and being in an LTR is no excuse for THAT much beta bait).

Look man, a woman provides you with physical satisfaction (and to a lesser degree emotional satisfaction). You in turn provide a woman with emotional satisfaction (and to a lesser degree physical satisfaction).

She's not holding up her end of the bargain. I liked the line of 'hey I'm going to the gym, want to come?' But you said you already dropped hints and it hasn't changed anything?

If she's gaining weight guess what - she's lost respect for you. It's written on her forehead.

You being 'nice and sensitive' about her 'situation' is going to do the exact opposite. It shows you can be pushed around.

Here's what you do: you stop validating her. She knows why. If she asks you, just say 'you've changed'. Go out with mixed company and flirt with other girls. You need to put yourself back on the market without actually doing it. No amount of coercion is going to make her lose weight. However, competition anxiety will prompt her to do 1 of 2 things: either put an effort into losing weight and getting sexy again, or leave. Do you really want to be with a fatass?

If you have an issue with your woman, you can definitely overtly communicate it (words) just in case she misinterprets your actions, but your message should primarily be delivered through your actions. Coincidentally this covert communication is women's default method of communication, so they will 'get' what you're trying to say.

 

[Who Dares Win]

Just buy her a yellow dress and when she asks the reason of the color, tell her that from now on you wont need a taxi anymore since there's already one available 24/7.

Better yet if its summer so you can buy a red one and explain her that you feel much safer sleeping close to a fire truck.

If you think that this is too rude to do to a girl then communicate the message romantically, book a a trip to las vegas and buy one of those plates with the palms close to the numbers and tell her she better put it on her ass to avoid being fined from cops.

And if you think my trolling is bad just imagine how few problems she would have to drop you if you would get fired and no longer able to waste money on her.

 

[SecondHalf]

You know OP, odds are, once a porker, always a porker.
If she loses weight, it likely won't be for you.

Your only hope (likely would have been), to change your diet and eat clean for health reasons.

I.E. Any processed sugar, any preservatives, most white food gone!



SH

 

[SeymourCake]

Tell her to put in extra work in bed. Tell her to work that azz and burn more calories.

When she didn't allow you to sleep with her in the same bed, you should have been like, "that's fine with me" and head over to the entrance door. If she asked you where you were going, you should have been like "I'm going out with the boys tonight".

That would have made her feel bad for abandoning you, and make her feel like you were out to court other women.

She had no reason to flip on you like that. You were looking out for her to make her look good and you were concerned about her health. Who wants to be seen with a fat, unhealthy girl?

If she doesn't take the initiative to lose weight, then dump her or else you'll be laying in bed with a hippo for the rest of your life.