How to pull back without seeming manipulative

[TomSwift]

Ok, this is for the experienced mature DJ's out there. I'm in need of a little guidance and would appreciate some help. Short story: fledgling relationship, everything is great, she cooks for me, adores me, sex is out of this world, etc. But I'm feeling an attachment settle in, and I want to make sure I don't push her away by being too "there." So my question is, how would one go about pulling back a bit without coming across as playing games or being manipulative? Or is that even necessary at this stage? My MO prior to my marriage was to throw everything I had at a girl, and it ultimately doomed any relationship. I am way better now with building attraction and interest, but just want to make sure I reel it in appropriately. This new girl is my age (39), very open and honest, and we're both interested in a LTR.

Thoughts?

Cheers!

 

[vatoloco]

But I'm feeling an attachment settle in, and I want to make sure I don't push her away by being too "there."

This great, man. If only more men thought like you...

This new girl is my age (39), very open and honest, and we're both interested in a LTR.

How do you know she's interested in a LTR?

 

[TomSwift]

Samspade - I'm feeling the attachment, and want to make sure I don't give too much too early. Definitely want it to continue.

Vatoloco - we have both talked about our interest in an LTR. We're both divorced, both in the same place in our lives, so it makes sense on a lot of levels. But it is also very early.

Thanks for the replies guys.

 

[Colossus]

Well I'm a bit younger than you but I know what you are experiencing. When you finally link up with a girl you share a strong mutual interest with, the impulse is often to put all your resources into her--- mainly by always being "there" and sharing all those great feelings you're having. Well, as you know, dumping your feelings (verbally) and giving her unlimited access to your time is the fastest way to send her interest down the tubes.

I would suggest two simple things: 1) Make yourself available on a more limited basis--2-3 nights a week tops. Have other commitments if you dont already. The temptation is to spend as much time with her as possible but you gotta space it out and giver her some time to wonder what you're up to.

2) Be very conservative with how you share your feelings with her. Physical affection is good, but verbalizing feelings isnt always the best plan. Just bite your lip, let her try and figure you out. They love that and need it. I generally dont talk too much about myself unless I'm asked. This is so key to being successful with a new girl.

 

[TomSwift]

Colossus and Samspade - Thank you! This is exactly the kind of advice I needed. Much appreciated and repped.

 

[logic1]

This is what they mean when they say go to find a hobby.

You need to actually have something else going on in your life. If you do there will not be any manipulation or games going on when you are actually doing something besides being with her.

You must find another passion or purpose in your life. When she senses you have more in your life than just her.......................You will be able to see her everyday and not scare her away.

It can be something as simple as remodeling a house in your free time.

Hope you grasp what I'm saying.

 

[jophil28]

A few weeks ago I posted some advice on Eharmony to a guy who was developing ONEitis for a woman.
The essence of my suggestion was for him to understand how important it is for a man to remain a "challenge" to a woman regardless of the state of advancement of their circumstances.. I pointed out the benefits of doing so and also noted that women actually enjoy the process of planning, plotting and attempting to draw a guy ever closer. They may protest and complain about his " commitment phobia ", but women's indignation and their uncertainty and anxiety about his "feelings" actually enhance the relationship.
OF course my post was met with a torrent of anger, contempt and denial - from both women and men.
MY suggestions were called "immature and gameplaying" and I was accused of promoting behavior straight out of high school.
Wow, I knew then that I had hit the ten ring .

I think that it may be in mens' nature,or perhaps the Matrix directs us, to attempt to create a secure and safe personal environment for ourr women.
Oftentimes we men try to provide her with a "safe and secure" ,doubt free, soft place.
A place in which she can be "sure" of our committment.
We give up our recreation, our hobbies and our male-only outlets in the belief that this is what "committment" requires. OF course she encourages these "small sacrifices" and often endorses them with rewards of some kind, usually an extra sexual favor.

Last night I happened to catch some of the latest episode of "Parenthood".
The short of it was that a whiny male character called Crosby was moving in with his "empowered " girlfriend who also happened to be the mother of his young kid. He had recently proposed to her no less.
Crosby has owned a Houseboat for many year and indeed loved that craft. His G/f quickly moved on him and attempted to convince him to sell the boat ( presumably as an attempt to divert the $$ that the boat consumed to her future "needs") .
His kid tried to talk him out of selling it by reminding his dad that he was "a Boat Guy". Crosby even agreed that he was indeed a "boat guy" and that his long relationship with the houseboat meant a great deal to him.
However, true to his beta self, Crosby easily caved in and held a 'wake' on board with his siblings to lament (or celebrate) the impending sale of his boat..
Later, his G/f predictably rewarded his decision to obey her and sell the boat with some hot sex.
Betaism at its most sickening.

Heed the warnings, Tom.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Tom,
Rightsizing the relationship is the trickiest part of having a regular Mistress.....I am delighted to see the insightful posts on this topic,it illustrates the Universality of the problem....A "Full On" but over-demanding relationship is very easy,even rather pleasant to slide into,but is extremely difficult often hurtful, to slip into reverse.....Young as he is,Royal Flush sees the problems,"just make sure you have a plausible reason for backing off"much easier said than done Tom!....When you are young the moulding of two personalities to conform to each others needs and desires as an "Item"is relatively simple.However at 39,you are on First name terms with the washing Machine,the Stove and the Vacuum Cleaner....Ironing a shirt is no longer a complex,even confronting activity....Sharing bills is no longer an economic imperative,you maybe have a lucrative career your own home,lots of friends,hobbies and interests....You don't NEED a Woman to replace your Mother..... You are also becoming set in your ways.The only things lacking are regular(if predictable) Svex,and in my case dancing routines with a skilled partner.To give up all the activities,that keep you an interesting person,is just too high a price to pay,but in the frothy days of a heady new romance you will do just that....So as Collossus says Restrict your contact to say three nights and maybe one day on the weekends....Bonus is,you can spin plates later,because at your age,having played fast and loose for years,you will get bored with just one partner.So you will also have time for yourself,and as absence makes the heart grow fonder,you keep your love,fresh and passionate.You will find she really looks forward to your visits and you won't have her under your feet to irritate and annoy you.So to Tom and others,seems we all recognise the problem.Share with us what you consider would be plausible reasons for downsizing your relationship?

 

[TomSwift]

Thanks again guys for the thoughtful responses.

Jophil - warnings heeded. Mantra to self: "I will not supplicate. I will not supplicate."

Scaramouche - pure poetry, bro. Trouble is, I don't want to downsize the relationship, I want to build upon it. But I want to do it in a way that enhances attraction rather than kills it. I think everyone hit on the same theme here: live your life, do your own unique thing, come together often enough to keep learning about each other, but not so often as to cause the passion to wither.

It's a bit difficult for me to change my patterns, but I understand that it's an imperative to do so.

Cheers!

 

[Zarky]

Tell her she's cool but be busy more.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Law 16: Use Absence to Increase Respect and Honor
Too much circulation makes the price go down: The more you are seen and heard from, the more common you appear. If you are already established in a group, temporary withdrawal from it will make you more talked about, even more admired. You must learn when to leave. Create value through scarcity.

I wont elaborate on what's been stated here. JOPHIL outlined your predicament well enough. However, I will offer you some practical advice.

You need to plan a strategic withdrawal, but you've got to execute it with tact. I get PM'd about this a lot; "How do I pull back / do a takeaway without seeming 'sulky' or retaliatory?" The key is to occupy yourself with what I call "unavoidable responsibility." Perception is everything.

Usually when guys ask me about this, 90% of the time they're trying to reset the frame because they slipped back into AFC mode and became no challenge or they got comfortable in thinking that women want full disclosure. They become immediately available to them and this gives them the impression that you have nothing else but them in your life. While that might be a sweet romanticized notion, women feel the most competition anxiety over Men who are in demand. If you are too available you're not in demand. The key is in creating the perception that you are in demand; whether from friends, work, passions, and particularly other women.

As with most other things in life, always begin with the end result in mind. What do you want to achieve in withdrawal? Resetting the frame is obvious, but more important is activating her imagination. By performing a takeaway, by becoming less available you will fire up the drama centers in her brain. Mr. 'Reliable' is replaced with Mr. 'I wonder what he's thinking?' Nothing is more self-satisfying for a woman than to imagine she's figured a Man out based solely on her feminine intuition. Don't deny her that, feed it.

Most guys are so dependent upon their sole source of reliable pussie they wouldn't dream of rocking the vagina boat with a takeaway. Combine this fear with a constant social droning about how women 'need comfort and security for intimacy to grow' and you get generations of men scared so sh!tless about upsetting her delicate pussie balance that the very idea of experimenting with her is reduced to high school gameplaying.


How do you avoid the perception of punishing her or retaliating for something? Short answer: Lie. You need to gradually pull back your attention, but your reasons for doing so need to be something she can respect. You're working on something profitable or endearing and it's requiring your attentions. You have a sick relative or your career goals are demanding more from you. The key is to demonstrate higher value while simultaneously denying her your attention. Your work, your passions, etc. need to become the 'other woman'. You need to be ambiguous with your reasons too; just enough to fire the imagination, but not so much that she assumes you're playing her or punishing her. Give her the gift of missing you, but also DHV.

 

[vatoloco]

Vatoloco - we have both talked about our interest in an LTR. We're both divorced, both in the same place in our lives, so it makes sense on a lot of levels. But it is also very early.

Okay, cool thanks. Just needed more background info.

Hopefully she's the one who brought up the LTR talk. It's always better when their ILs are higher than ours...

Everyone else has pretty much covered it: be genuinely busy with your own stuff.

Good luck to you my friend.

 

[TomSwift]

How do you avoid the perception of punishing her or retaliating for something? Short answer: Lie. You need to gradually pull back your attention, but your reasons for doing so need to be something she can respect. You're working on something profitable or endearing and it's requiring your attentions. You have a sick relative or your career goals are demanding more from you. The key is to demonstrate higher value while simultaneously denying her your attention. Your work, your passions, etc. need to become the 'other woman'. You need to be ambiguous with your reasons too; just enough to fire the imagination, but not so much that she assumes you're playing her or punishing her. Give her the gift of missing you, but also DHV.

This is a gem, Rollo. You set the framework succinctly and I appreciate it. Thank God I don't have to lie to achieve this. I genuinely have a lot going on right now that I have semi-shelved for the past few weeks. Now I can resume those pursuits and not have to worry about keeping a story up.

Okay, cool thanks. Just needed more background info.

Hopefully she's the one who brought up the LTR talk. It's always better when their ILs are higher than ours...

Everyone else has pretty much covered it: be genuinely busy with your own stuff.

Good luck to you my friend.

Thanks vato. I'm trying my best to maintain.

 

[vatoloco]

Thanks vato. I'm trying my best to maintain.

You're welcome man.

I'm just glad that more men are beginning not to get complacent in their interactions with women. It IS hard. I know because in my LTRs of yesteryear I used to get complacent too. We humans are a lazy species.

 

[Don Wha]

The answers in this post are priceless.

 

[PokerStar]

great thread guys.

This thread just reminds me to keep myself in check.

Let me tell you, when I pick up chicks and especially around the HB 8 to 9 category, I dont want to do anything else but chill with them all the time.

I sometimes forget that the more eager and available I am, it kills my mystery.

These type of threads are awesome, just for the sole purpose of keeping our penises on ice.