How to not be affected by a woman's junk without being a psychopath (not caring)

[Heretolearn]

Hi,

How to not be affected by a woman's junk without being a psychopath (not caring)?

I find this easiest at the honeymoon phase simply because it is easier to walk away/not be affected by the conduct as little has been invested. But once past that point, it seems I have a greater tolerance to protect all that invested so to speak.

No point throwing good money after bad of course but how to handle this. Should I not care as much in relationships or what?

 

[eDave]

Depends on how you really feel about her. Love her for who and what she is or not. It's either worth it to you or not. As I read here, part of being an IM is to know your limits or boundaries and live that way, or not.

Personally, I want to end up with someone who I know has 'junk' and not care really. I will love her anyway and not let it get in the way of the relationship if I can. I have junk and so do you. Empathize and listen but don't look to fix it. Find what you can let roll off your back and what you can't. Then decide. If it grinds on you now it will only get worse unless YOU decide what is worth enduring.

Also depends on the junk. You are 28. How old is she? Is it immaturity stuff or is it life lived stuff. You might be able to talk about and bring about immaturity change but life stuff is tuff.

Not caring and letting things role off are two separate things.

 

[jophil28]

Hi,

How to not be affected by a woman's junk without being a psychopath (not caring)?

I find this easiest at the honeymoon phase simply because it is easier to walk away/not be affected by the conduct as little has been invested.

Yes, It is easier to walk away in the honeymoon period.
However there should be little (if any ) "junk" during that phase if she is a quality woman. Most women are on their best behavior and having a brain chemical explosion of pleasure in the first few months.

You question needs to be rethought and reworded....
" WHat are my dealbreakers should she act up during the honeymoon phase."

The issue is NOT how to be unaffected , it is when and how quickly do you eject.

 

[jophil28]

... it seems I have a greater tolerance to protect all that invested so to speak.

No point throwing good money after bad of course but how to handle this. Should I not care as much in relationships or what?

And there is the rub.

It seems to be an innate part of human nature to protect,preserve and persist with our investments even when those investments are going south.
Perhaps we are resistant to admitting to ourselves that we made some bad choices in the first place ?
I guess that is an example of protecting our own ego investment.
WE humans are strange cattle, aren't we ?

 

[Mr. Me]

"I will love her anyway and not let it get in the way"

But emotional scars and heavy emotional damage, and/or abusive behaviors, if that's what we mean by "junk", means the person is not suitable LTR material. It will get in the way. How many threads are there in cyberspace regarding relationship problems where these issues play their role?

This stuff ERODES love. You cannot "love her anyway" if she's demeaning, controlling, disrespectful, unfaithful, untrustworthy, abusive or dishonest. This is what you need to find out about her BEFORE getting into a relationship and getting emotionally attached, not AFTER.

 

[Jitterbug]

And there is the rub.

It seems to be an innate part of human nature to protect,preserve and persist with our investments even when those investments are going south.
Perhaps we are resistant to admitting to ourselves that we made some bad choices in the first place ?
I guess that is an example of protecting our own ego investment.
WE humans are strange cattle, aren't we ?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loss_aversion
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunk_cost

 

[bigjohnson]

It's a lot easier to keep your perspective if yo have 3+ in the rotation, particularly at the early stages of the 'relationship' or however you want to look at it. That first blast of emotion that drives infatuation is easier to counter if you have a few more to compare and contrast with.

 

[STR8UP]

And there is the rub.

It seems to be an innate part of human nature to protect,preserve and persist with our investments even when those investments are going south.
Perhaps we are resistant to admitting to ourselves that we made some bad choices in the first place ?
I guess that is an example of protecting our own ego investment.
WE humans are strange cattle, aren't we ?

It's common knowledge that people are more motivated by fear of loss than prospect for gain.

That's why you see such aversion to risk when it comes to money. Most people don't have the balls to lay it on the line. I'm glad I wasn't born with that gene.

It's funny how it works differently with women though. I can't say that I am nearly as accepting of risk when it comes to relationships. I now understand how it works so I know how to spot a bad situation and eject from it, but it doesn't come as naturally with women as it does with money for me.

 

[Heretolearn]

And there is the rub.

It seems to be an innate part of human nature to protect,preserve and persist with our investments even when those investments are going south.
Perhaps we are resistant to admitting to ourselves that we made some bad choices in the first place ?
I guess that is an example of protecting our own ego investment.
WE humans are strange cattle, aren't we ?

I find this the biggest difference in male/female approaches to relationships. It seems girls are so ready to give up or maybe that is just me (do women institute divorce more than men? I wonder the percentages?)

(but perhaps women more directly tackle the problem whereas guys avoid it (more pub/work/friends time avoiding the 'home')???

 

[Heretolearn]

great replies!

 

[Mr. Me]

It seems girls are so ready to give up

It's not that they "give up", it's that they're more adapt to get out if it's not working for them. They get turned off easier then guys typically do, and when they get turned off, it's like you never happened. Guys are generally easier to please. We don't ask for much, we take more crap and let it slide. Not so women.

do women institute divorce more than men? I wonder the percentages?

I think the figure stands at approx. 80% of all divorces are initiated by women (U.S.). Then factor that there are divorces initiated by men under circumstances the female caused, such as her cheating or driving the man to do the "dirty work" of filing. In those cases, she's really the one causing the divorce.

but perhaps women more directly tackle the problem whereas guys avoid it

It's true that many guys avoid handling relationship issues, or better said, don't know how to, but neither do most women. Women "tackling" the problem usually is a matter of them resorting to nagging. Guys, however, tune out nagging and then the women amps up her nagging in response to their feeling that they're not being heard. This is a vicious cycle. Eventually, the women says, "I've tried EVERYTHING", bemoans to her girlfriends and any sympathizers how hard she's sacrificed and was the dutiful wife and put up sufferingly with his crap, and faults the guy for not changing. That's "tackling" the problem, according to page 33 of the Women's Manual. And then she files for divorce.

 

[guru1000]

You need to have a clearer understanding of what is an investment.

An investment can only be one who has won the prize of your exclusivity. To win this prize, she SHOULD have shown consistency in her actions and compatibility leagues ahead of your harem. It is only then that she is CONSIDERED a compatible candidate for exclusivity.

At any point before exclusivity, there should be no emotional investment in place. This means you are free to disqualify this candidate if she does not meet your expectations.

One you become exclusive, it is time to express your boundaries. This is not universal but rather individual . Whatever your boundaries may be no matter how ridiculous it may appear, overtly express them. Now you have laid the foundation for accountability. She is aware of your expectations so she is accountable for any of your deal breakers.

If she compromises one of your boundaries, walk away. Do not continue to play ball in a relationship where disrespect is present. She must make amends at this point for future consideration of your time.

The biggest sin you can commit is to return to a woman who has disrespected you without her willingness to make amends and understanding that this disrespect shall never be repeated.

 

[jophil28]

I find this the biggest difference in male/female approaches to relationships. It seems girls are so ready to give up or maybe that is just me (do women institute divorce more than men? I wonder the percentages?)

IMO, there are several factors at work here.
Firstly woman do not NEED to stay in marriages or LTRs for economic survival reasons any longer. One reason that the feminists fought so fiercely for equal pay for woman was that they wanted women to have the financial independence to be able to leave men at WILL . Feminism hates successful relationships.

Secondly, women appear to "give up " more easily than men because women are "avoidant" by nature. They deal with discomfort by AVOIDING that which causes them inconvenience.
A man is ,by nature and nurture, programmed to adapt, overcome, fight and subdue. Women just AVOID . And woman have hopeless problem solving abilities.
Filing for divorce is just an avoidance strategy which she can implement with little financial disdvantage if at all.

Thirdly, our culture encourages womnen to embrace their victimhood and blame men for every tiny inconvenience. Women seem to have bought the BS that they are "entitled" to a model handsome wealthy guy who fawns over her and caters to their whims. Anything short of that is regarded as a failure by him to provide her with her natural "rights".. Divorce time !

And lastly,. there is an endless supply of pleading male worshippers who will sympathise with her in the hope that she will reward them with some sugar.

NO wonder we have high divorce rates and dysfunctioanl relationships.

 

[Heretolearn]

great replies at the end - so how do we deal with this 'nature' of Women?

 

[jophil28]

great replies at the end - so how do we deal with this 'nature' of Women?

If we had a precise answer to that we would not be having this discussion.