How to mask your true emotions?

[ZhaoYun]

I was just wondering if anyone has any useful ways they go about hiding your emotions from women you're really into? For instance, I know a little mystery goes a long way but once you've displayed some of those raw emotions towards women is there a way to not seem on the verge of being obsessive?

Take last night for instance, I got mad at my girlfriend for lying about someone that called her. She said it was her sister, but it really wasn't so I broke up with her. She later admitted to me it was an old guy "friend" of hers she hadn't spoken to in a while. She cried and pleaded but I wasn't hearing it. Later on I realized that I didn't want it to end over something so petty so I told her to come back and gave her another chance. I then told her she meant a lot to me without getting too pvssy sounding and I just wanted her loyalty to which she obliged. Whether this was a mistake or not I'm sure I'll find out, but for now it is what it is.

I know cutting down on messages and time spent together are probably two ways ..but I'm looking at specific measures taken. Has anyone ever had to slow down after maybe being a little too emotional with their lady one night?

 

[procanto]

Reminds me of a school lesson. The teacher gave lectures on the way to think in order to see a particular point of view and to try and live that view for as long as one can and so the student lived within the guidelines of a view long after college. It is not an easy task to unmask a view not when it has remained unwashed by emotions true. Let the gentleness from your mate touch that old hardened view. Let her in to kiss your heart and from there the old view will depart.

 

[Interceptor]

OK, number one, you like the majority of men are looking atthe symptom, not the underlying problem.
You're looking for the quick fix...the band aid for a gaping massive head wound.



There's a difference between masking your emotions, and knowing when to demonstrate and HOW to demonstrate your feelings.

Imagine if you just said to her, "Hey, I know it's not your sister. But Im curious to know why you feel ashamed to tell me, and act guilty in admitting it was a guy you were talking to. Please explain to me. If youre doing nothing wrong, you wouldnt act so guilty. So what gives? Whats the deal with this guy?"

Place the responsibility on her to explain clearly.


While you place YOUR responsibility on how YOU RESPOND to it on yourself.


Talking to some guy on the phone is not necessarily a deal breaker.

However, talking to some guy on the phone whom she has feelings for, as in romantic, is not the most proper thing to do.


No guy should have such massive insecurity to freak out if their GF talks to another guy.
You dont own women.
You dont control them, nor their actions, nor their feelings.
Grow up. Women find other men attractive. They do.
They can be with you and still find other guys attractive.
Its normal.
Theyre human.
Just like you.

If you feel so massively insecure that 'OMG!!! I will LOSE her if she talks to another guy!!!!" then you're in trouble.
Thats being way too needy.

If she talks to another guy, find out what is the context of the relationship. If you two are in a relationship, she does owe you this courtesy. As You do to her.
Dont fool yourself into believing their is a double standard. If she cant 'talk to guys', then that means YOU can't 'talk to girls'. If you dont want that, then dude, man....get honest...DONT get into an exclusive relationship. OK??
Fair is Fair.



If she lies to you.
Thats ok.

Youre not going to die.
Theres nothing to fear, man.

If she lies, thats ok. It's on her. You are NOT responsible for her Character.
You just assert your boundaries, and express you dont tolerate that and make a decision based on your values.

She's not hurting you. Only your Ego, the narcissistic part of you.
That needy part of you.

You are fully in control at all times.

A woman lies to you?
No problem.
I tell her I dont tolerate it (in certain circumstance, of course. A woman may be planning your birthday party and may lie to tell you to go do something before you come home, so she can prepare everything for your birthday party. You're not going to judge and condemn her, and end the relationship for that. Thats why its important to look at the cirucmstances and the context.) and based on the context, and past behavior I MAKE A DECISION. A Mature, Rational one.

At the end of the day, you MUST look at your emotional Maturity and emotional STRENGTH.

Can you handle the possibility of a woman lying or cheating on you?

Are you just going to lose your mind like that??
Freak out???
Or are you going to recognize what it is, wht it truly really IS, and be able to move ahead in your LIFE, without her anyway?

She didnt kill you or maim you, or vandalize your property.

Think about these things.
Dont go overboard in assessing what REALLY happened.

Dont give her the control over YOUR mental and emotional state.
Dont make her responsible solely for your peace of mind.


So, regarding emotions.
The TRUTH is that you shouldnt be FEELING that way from the beginning.
Ideally you would get to the point where you can COMMUNICATE your boundaries clearly, and effectively.
So that you dont have to walk on eggshells, and more importantly, dont communicate in the freaked out "OMG!!":cuss: type of immature manner.

Little kids throw temper tantrums.
Not grown men.


It is so important for men to stop looking for the quick fix, the Band Aid.
And fix themselves internally.

Why are you jealous?
What do you envy?
Why do you need her validation?
Why are you so needy?
Why arent you independent emotionally?
Why are you still so immature?

These questions need to be asked of yourself in order to be HONEST.
And to reflect YOUR GENUINE SELF to the world.

Stop looking for Band Aids, they are temporary , and dont address the REAL underlying problem.

Look at WHAT you are thinking.
WHAT do you believe?
HOW is it helping you?
HOW is it hurting you?

If you believe that you WILL DIE!!! if some woman cheats on you, well, guess what?
your entire belief system and your body will react just like the way you programmed it to!
"OMG!!! If I EVER find out my GF cheated on me I WILL DIE!!!!!!"

I am not telling you your own Values. And I intentionally am not JUDGING the ACTIONS you took. I am no one to judge you. You have your values. I respect them. But , do they SERVE you well??

I AM telling you to know HOW to assert them. Maturely, calmly, and rationally.
Because your peace of mind is at stake, and your future relationships are too.
But if youre values are skewered in that they are disempowering (ie "Women have TOTAL CONTROL over me, therefore, I MUST CONTROL THEM so that they do not HURT ME!!!!") then you will always be in the same exact situation with every single woman you ever meet and date for the rest of your life.

Some life , huh?


Good luck.

 

[Mr. Me]

I wouldn't call having my girlfriend speaking to an alleged guy friend and then lying to me about it "something so petty". The fact that she lied about it means that she knew that whatever she did was not the right thing and wanted to hide it from you. So, what was it about that she thought needed to be hid? Was it because if she told you her business you'd fly into a rage and she was terrified of receiving abuse from you so she didn't tell you OR was it that this wasn't so innocent as she now makes it seem?

I'm betting it's the latter.

Bottom line is: she lied. She's just demonstrated that she's willing to lie to you. This is more of a pressing issue then your question is. Asking for her loyalty and her pledging to you means nothing. Just look at all the marriage vows that are broken everyday. You just gave her a free pass and let her know that of she does this again... you'll probably forgive her when she cries and pleads.

This will go on until she has the next branch securely in her grasp. She's not ready to let go of you yet because she can't stand to be alone. But when that day comes, then she won't plead any more. Just had to warn you, man!

Regarding your question, it's not a matter of "hiding" emotions. It's a matter of having self control over reacting to your emotions; not being led by your emotions. Okay, so you got all soft on her because of your feelings... that's fine when it's a tender, loving moment in a relationship but not when she's just lied to you and is talking to guys behind your back and you don't wanna lose her so you minimize the disrespect you've just received and the red flag of her not having integrity because you want her back.

There have to be consequences when people cross boundaries., otherwise they'll do it again, and worse, because:

"You teach people how to treat you".

Take a time out.

Think before you speak.

You always have options.

Not doing anything is always an option.

Stop first to examine your feeling. Seriously. Try to understand WHY you feel the way you do and then ask yourself: Am I feeling this way because of a fear of loss/ does this stem from insecurity? Is this feeling rational or am I making more of it then I should?

Feelings are not facts.

Feelings change.

Act, don't React. That means be purposeful in what you say and do, with though given to it. Not a knee jerk, base reaction like some little kid would.

Think: What would Mr. Me do?

Has anyone ever had to slow down after maybe being a little too emotional with their lady one night?

Women are like elephants in that they never forget. People tend to minimize their own behavior and discount the effect it has on others, but trust me, you've left an indelible mark.

 

[Interceptor]

There have to be consequences when people cross boundaries., otherwise they'll do it again, and worse, because:

"You teach people how to treat you".

 

[Alexander the Great]

Well, it's been said already by Interceptor and Mr. Me in a far more extensive manner than I can produce right now, but still I'll say what popped into mind when I read your post.

"How to mask your true emotions?"

You don't mask your emotions. That's never healthy or wise. Just don't let them fly like you did.

It says something about your attitude towards this girl, the way you acted. The earlier posts give some good insight on that. You should work on that. We all know where you are right now. We were all there once too. Myself included.

Never mask your emotions. Just don't let them fly. And there's a mindset out there that enables you to act that way.

And yes, women are like elephants. Everytime you stroke against their fur, it goes into this little notebook in their mind. Eventually things stack up against you and it all comes out again. Even things that happened long ago and you thought forgiven and forgotten. Unfair eh? But still, better pay heed and act accordingly.

"You teach people how to treat you".

Heh, that's so Dr. Phil

But so very TRUE as well.

In this case, Zhao, your behaviour taught her to lie in the future. Because you couldn't handle reality. Think on that one.

 

[Interceptor]

You don't mask your emotions. That's never healthy or wise. Just don't let them fly like you did.

 

[ZhaoYun]

You don't mask your emotions. That's never healthy or wise. Just don't let them fly like you did.

In this case, Zhao, your behaviour taught her to lie in the future. Because you couldn't handle reality. Think on that one.

First of all, thanks for the broad responses guys. It all makes sense now and I realize I didn't exactly handle the situation properly.

However, I'm not exactly showering her with praises. She's already called and text me several times throughout the day wanting to see me, but I haven't replied at all. I had a nice workout this morning and just keeping busy so I don't feel compelled to respond immediately. She definitely has work to put in before I give in to temptation.

Alexander the Great - How did my behavior teach her to lie in the future? And what reality couldn't I handle? She clearly wants me and seems to want to spend entirely too much time with me even before this bullshish

I should reiterate my statement about how I let my emotions show. I didn't pour my heart out to the girl, I simply gave our relationship another chance. I told her, "You just don't know what you do to me" to which she replied, "You just don't know how much you mean to me." while crying her heart out. I didn't profess my love or anything like that. I do care about her and felt since she was sincerely sorry and lied out of fear that was enough to warrant a keep_what_we_have card.

Also, she told me everything about this dude and I happen to know who he is. I haven't really involved him yet, but have been wondering if I should contact him or not. I don't really want to because he'll just tell me to take things up with her. But I also feel since I'm involved with this girl if I should tell him to back off. I'm very confused in that regard.

There have to be consequences when people cross boundaries., otherwise they'll do it again, and worse

I'm already not doing anything atm(no contact), but are there other ways to combat this? I don't exactly want to ignore her forever because she's my girlfriend, but I don't want her to get off too easily either.

Special thanks to Interceptor. That post was absolutely pro and I'll have to bookmark this thread to read that many more times.

 

[ZhaoYun]

ntn

 

[WC2]

OK, number one, you like the majority of men are looking atthe symptom, not the underlying problem.
You're looking for the quick fix...the band aid for a gaping massive head wound.



There's a difference between masking your emotions, and knowing when to demonstrate and HOW to demonstrate your feelings.

Imagine if you just said to her, "Hey, I know it's not your sister. But Im curious to know why you feel ashamed to tell me, and act guilty in admitting it was a guy you were talking to. Please explain to me. If youre doing nothing wrong, you wouldnt act so guilty. So what gives? Whats the deal with this guy?"

Place the responsibility on her to explain clearly.


While you place YOUR responsibility on how YOU RESPOND to it on yourself.


Talking to some guy on the phone is not necessarily a deal breaker.

However, talking to some guy on the phone whom she has feelings for, as in romantic, is not the most proper thing to do.


No guy should have such massive insecurity to freak out if their GF talks to another guy.
You dont own women.
You dont control them, nor their actions, nor their feelings.
Grow up. Women find other men attractive. They do.
They can be with you and still find other guys attractive.
Its normal.
Theyre human.
Just like you.

If you feel so massively insecure that 'OMG!!! I will LOSE her if she talks to another guy!!!!" then you're in trouble.
Thats being way too needy.

If she talks to another guy, find out what is the context of the relationship. If you two are in a relationship, she does owe you this courtesy. As You do to her.
Dont fool yourself into believing their is a double standard. If she cant 'talk to guys', then that means YOU can't 'talk to girls'. If you dont want that, then dude, man....get honest...DONT get into an exclusive relationship. OK??
Fair is Fair.



If she lies to you.
Thats ok.

Youre not going to die.
Theres nothing to fear, man.

If she lies, thats ok. It's on her. You are NOT responsible for her Character.
You just assert your boundaries, and express you dont tolerate that and make a decision based on your values.

She's not hurting you. Only your Ego, the narcissistic part of you.
That needy part of you.

You are fully in control at all times.

A woman lies to you?
No problem.
I tell her I dont tolerate it (in certain circumstance, of course. A woman may be planning your birthday party and may lie to tell you to go do something before you come home, so she can prepare everything for your birthday party. You're not going to judge and condemn her, and end the relationship for that. Thats why its important to look at the cirucmstances and the context.) and based on the context, and past behavior I MAKE A DECISION. A Mature, Rational one.

At the end of the day, you MUST look at your emotional Maturity and emotional STRENGTH.

Can you handle the possibility of a woman lying or cheating on you?

Are you just going to lose your mind like that??
Freak out???
Or are you going to recognize what it is, wht it truly really IS, and be able to move ahead in your LIFE, without her anyway?

She didnt kill you or maim you, or vandalize your property.

Think about these things.
Dont go overboard in assessing what REALLY happened.

Dont give her the control over YOUR mental and emotional state.
Dont make her responsible solely for your peace of mind.


So, regarding emotions.
The TRUTH is that you shouldnt be FEELING that way from the beginning.
Ideally you would get to the point where you can COMMUNICATE your boundaries clearly, and effectively.
So that you dont have to walk on eggshells, and more importantly, dont communicate in the freaked out "OMG!!":cuss: type of immature manner.

Little kids throw temper tantrums.
Not grown men.


It is so important for men to stop looking for the quick fix, the Band Aid.
And fix themselves internally.

Why are you jealous?
What do you envy?
Why do you need her validation?
Why are you so needy?
Why arent you independent emotionally?
Why are you still so immature?

These questions need to be asked of yourself in order to be HONEST.
And to reflect YOUR GENUINE SELF to the world.

Stop looking for Band Aids, they are temporary , and dont address the REAL underlying problem.

Look at WHAT you are thinking.
WHAT do you believe?
HOW is it helping you?
HOW is it hurting you?

If you believe that you WILL DIE!!! if some woman cheats on you, well, guess what?
your entire belief system and your body will react just like the way you programmed it to!
"OMG!!! If I EVER find out my GF cheated on me I WILL DIE!!!!!!"

I am not telling you your own Values. And I intentionally am not JUDGING the ACTIONS you took. I am no one to judge you. You have your values. I respect them. But , do they SERVE you well??

I AM telling you to know HOW to assert them. Maturely, calmly, and rationally.
Because your peace of mind is at stake, and your future relationships are too.
But if youre values are skewered in that they are disempowering (ie "Women have TOTAL CONTROL over me, therefore, I MUST CONTROL THEM so that they do not HURT ME!!!!") then you will always be in the same exact situation with every single woman you ever meet and date for the rest of your life.

Some life , huh?


Good luck.

Is there really a need for another post? Don't think so, Int hit it right on the head once again.

 

[Quiksilver]

This is straight out of my own handbook:

-The gf is allowed to call whoever she wants.
-The gf can talk to whoever she wants
-The gf can hang out with whoever she wants.
-The gf can go have coffee with whoever she wants.
-The gf can flirt with whoever she wants.
-The gf CAN'T have sex with whoever she wants.

--

I give(or gave ) my girlfriends every freedom in the world, but they knew there was a line that they would not cross. Trying to control your girlfriend socially is like trying to crush a handful of sand. The more pressure you apply, the more you lose her.

Let her know that it isn't okay to sleep around while you're dating(unless you're cool with it, if thats your thing), yet at the same time let her know subtly that you're not possessive and insecure.

When my last girlfriend and I went out to bars, lounges, and parties, I'd let her off the leash and she could talk to/flirt with whoever she wanted. And because I didn't care, she stayed with me. Sometimes girls use the "flirting with a stranger" sh1ttest to see if you're a jealous guy or not. To pass that test, simply tell yourself its harmless conversation and flirting.

Conversation on a phone shouldn't be any different. It's her life, you are not her and you don't control her actions. You control yourself and how you react to her behavior. You have to be the unmoving stone in your girlfriends life, the one who doesn't overreact, the one who doesn't throw a tantrum, and the one who doesn't get jealous. Jealousy is a girls trait and I'd suggest you toss it in the garbage today.

My boundary in a relationship is, my girl isn't allowed to have sex with another guy. Period. Everything else is fair game and I'm cool with it, I might even tease her about flirting with other guys and her taste in men, but never did I threaten to break up with her over conversations or flirting with other guys.

--

Now, obviously there's a limit with flirting(like groping and heavy kino) but those are the ground rules you'll have to lay out for her if you want her to stay with you for any length of time.

cheers

 

[ZhaoYun]

It's been a few days since I posted this but here's a quick update ...

My woman and I had a nice conversation about her lying, I pretty much let her know that I wouldn't tolerate it. She cried for what seemed like hours and gave me some sob story about how she didn't know where she stands with everything(including me)

I then told her if she wanted us to break up I'd be cool with it and no reason for her to stress out about it since I wouldn't. She immediately let me know that I was one of the most important parts of her life and she couldn't envision it without me in it at this time.

So now she's calling/texting me way too much now and is always wanting to see me. I pretty much just carry on like I don't really care and I'll see her when I see her. This freaks her out because now she's always wondering and wanting to know what I'm doing. I kind of like it, but can sense it'll get old soon.

Thanks again for the advice. I turned a terrible reaction into something worthwhile.