How to handle "Is it me or is it you?"

cynetix

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I've had to do this several times recently, and there have been at least two questions about it on the forums, so here's the answer!

When you let a girl down, meaning you don't want to be with her but she's mad into you, she often asks questions that are designed to find out is it me or is it you? This often happens either upon the end of a relationship or when a girl who has a crush has confessed to it and wants a response from you.

Basically she wants to know if she has problems, and she needs to work on them, or she wants to know that you have problems, like you have problems committing, or are gay, etc.

Well I don't like telling girls they're not interesting enough, or that they could be prettier...I dunno, it just doesn't seem like it would help them. I'm already disappointing them, so it would be like extinguishing extra cigarette butts on their arms. This is not to say that if she has some flaw that can be seriously improved if I talk to her about it, I won't...just that I am not one to pour out faults I have perceived about her.

I also don't like to lie about "not wanting to be in a relationship" or any bullshìt like that, because I don't want to get caught two days later making out with some girl and being exposed for all the phoniness that I would be.

So I tell them that it's not about "YOU" or about "ME" but rather the "romantic connection" BETWEEN people that ...I just don't feel. "You can't describe emotions like it's logic," you can say. Maybe also something like, "I just don't feel enough emotional attraction between us" which is a good retort if she says you can "work" on the relationship.

Other good synonyms for "romantic connection" and "emotional attraction" that you can say you don't feel:

spark
chemistry

I personally wouldn't use "butterflies" or mention infatuation.
You can also refer to the movie Good Will Hunting. (I don't remember the reference but for some reason if I am giving this speech to a girl I am reminded of the movie, so I mention it.)

There's the recipe for handling that toughie! Add "We can definitely be friends" to taste, if desired.

cynetix
 

honeyshark

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I tend to keep it highly blunt, respectful, and short.

When dealing with a girl that I have not had a intimate relationship with, I say...

"I'm sorry, I really don't want to hurt your feelings, but I am not attracted to you."

Then I end with some cordiality. I don't know if this is too harsh or what, but it has worked in the past so I stick with it. By saying that you are not attracted to her does not imply that she is unattractive. Furthermore, it precludes the natural questions she would ask had you said "I'm sorry, your just not my type.", namely, what is your type.
 

thejuice

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Pick a girl...
i stick with no chemistry and yours ass is oddly shaped :D
 
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