How to GET YOUR EX BACK...and WHY YOU SHOULDN'T DO IT

Jeffst1980

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Probably a lot of guys came to this site after being dumped by a girl, and I'm sure ALL of them naturally toyed with the idea of trying to get her back. Here's my thoughts:

A lot of people believe that once a girl's interest goes past a critical point, you're out forever and she will never become attracted to you again. This is not the truth in reality.

If you've been with a girl for over 6 months, she has a certain amount of investment in you. She desperately WANTS to remain attracted to you, and it DOES pain her to end things.

At the same time, she expects you to behave like a typical AFC and beg her not to leave, promise you'll do anything, whine to your friends, and ultimately grow anger and bitter towards her. This, in her mind, is confirmation that she did the right thing.

If you keep your cool, accept the situation, and DON'T CONTACT HER, she will, 9 times out of 10, call you in 2-3 weeks to "see how you're doing." This is because she HASN'T received the confirmation as I described above. If you still remain cool and congruent, you can rest assured that her interest in you will rise up again--EVEN if she "branch swung" to another dude!

It helps, of course, to begin dating other girls, but even if you aren't, this lack of interest in getting back together on your part will crush her ego. She will likely now actually begin to try to "win" you back by asking to "catch up," or bumping into you "accidentally," etc.

At this point, many guys are EXTREMELY tempted to give in and take her back, believing that she's seen the error in her ways. Or, they might believe that they can get "revenge" on her by using her as a FB and then dropping her when they find a "better" girl.

BOTH OF THESE THINGS ARE BAD DECISIONS!!

You can try to fool yourself into believing you can have no strings attached sex with this girl, but you can't. You will start feeling attached, and give her the benefit of the doubt when she tells you WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR so that you'll forgive her.

"I was just confused"
"I've missed you so much"
"I realize that I belong with you"

...are all popular lines. Unfortunately, they don't mean anything when said by a girl that desires the validation of knowing that she can get you to take her back.

If you DO take her back, she won't necessarily do it all again (although the odds are pretty good that she will), but she will have the knowledge that she could. She will uphold the fact that you took her back as a great quality of forgiveness that you possess, but in reality she's just satisfied with the knowledge that you'll always be a "safety net" to fall back on.

Furthermore, the dynamic of the relationship will change now that the cat is out of the bag, so to speak. Initially, you can expect her to do things consistent with a VERY high interest level.

"She came back to me and now she's into me MORE than ever before!" are the gloats you hear from many guys. This is only a temporary spike in interest and doesn't really reflect how much (or little) respect she has for you.

The worst part, though, is the subtle feeling of resentment that you are bound to feel, should you decide to take her back. You may NEVER be able to fully trust her again, and even crave revenge. This is not a good way to go through life.

The reason we advocate spinning plates after a breakup instead of trying to get the ex back is not because the latter is difficult to do. It's rather simple if you are capable of not wearing your emotions on your sleeve. However, it's healthier in the long run to start fresh, with a new girl, with no negative emotions involved.

Would you truly feel comfortable getting married and having children with a girl that broke your heart? You need to answer that honestly. I personally believe that we are ALL entitled to a "perfect relationship" with no breakups or cheating.

I have the same feelings about cheating being a dealbreaker in marriage, UNLESS children are involved (When children are involved, you need to think of how such an event will impact their lives at such a crucial stage in their development). Marriage counseling and attempts to "get past" infidelity are notoriously ineffective. It's simply easier and healthier to start fresh.

Keep in mind that NONE of this is meant to suggest that women are not to be trusted, or have poor intentions, or anything of that ilk. Most of the time, breakups are actually OUR fault. It's up to us to keep their respect, and if we fail to uphold our end of the bargain, they often have no choice but to leave.
 

The Bat

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Can't rep you again. Got to spread some rep lovin' around first. SS should have rep hookers you can buy so you can unload your love for a great post like this without having to spreading reps to posts like, "Should I call her at 3 PM or 4 PM?"

Anyway, no really, good post man. You hit the nail on the head with the ego playing a major factor in "let's get back together honey" weapon that ex's use. This thread and joekerrs thread about let's take a break should be stickied and put in DJ bible.

:up:
 

Jeffst1980

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Thanks, guys...of course, as the old adage goes, "You can lead an AFC to water...but you can't make him stop idealizing his ex."

Now, however, I CAN post a single link to this in response to the next time this thread comes up in the Discussion Forum...:D
 

broken dreams

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I love this post defrinately one of my favs, I remmebr last year my wife left me.I didnt love her but I had invested in her, the break up itself was what ripped me apart. one year later she is begging me to go back, we have no children. I felt betrayed,deceived but my family is always talking about my going back to her because she is from a wealthy family.

Awesome Post

As my FB break up, I dont want to go back to her trying manipulative games.

Its like you have to be bad or treat them bad to get them to respect you and have them chase you.
 

WC2

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broken dreams said:
I love this post defrinately one of my favs, I remmebr last year my wife left me.I didnt love her but I had invested in her, the break up itself was what ripped me apart. one year later she is begging me to go back, we have no children. I felt betrayed,deceived but my family is always talking about my going back to her because she is from a wealthy family.

Awesome Post

As my FB break up, I dont want to go back to her trying manipulative games.

Its like you have to be bad or treat them bad to get them to respect you and have them chase you.
Glad to hear ya weren't in love with this skank my man.

Even better to hear that you didn't have kids or anything. No offense, but whoever in your family is talking about you getting back with this woman over money is a sad sap in my book. Anyways, what man wants to be supported by a woman? I don't find that very uplifting.

Sometimes you just have to take one in the nuts for a little while. In my mind I've never truly loved a woman (although I thought I have), but sometimes the time we vest in making these relationships work (I don't know why we try to hard.. this is when relationships fail.) is what haunts men months after they have ended things with their woman. The sight of her doing these things you vested so much time into with another man is heart reckoning; but it is not love.

You don't have to treat women like crap to keep them on your leash. That's nonsense. Treating women like crap while better than kissing a woman's feet, is not the end all to the problem here. I'll continue later on
 

broken dreams

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Hmmm interesting please continue.

FB break up is still leaving messages after we spoke. she said she noticed me sad after break up and wanted to see me and go out.

she is offering pvssy in exchange of me taking her out and spending $ on dinners.

Im fvcking broke and Im tired of her games.

I decided to ignore and let my survival mode help me to recover strength.

She still wants to hang but I dont want to show weakeness in character nor waste my time.
 
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drak_ool

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Jeffst1980 said:
this lack of interest in getting back together on your part will crush her ego.
absolutely! giving a girl the "silent treatment" will hurt her more than anything else. The other side of the coin is that you will forget about her (and trying to get back with her) a lot faster if you cut off all contact with her.

so it s a win-win situation for you!
 

WC2

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broken dreams said:
Hmmm interesting please continue.

FB break up is still leaving messages after we spoke. she said she noticed me sad after break up and wanted to see me and go out.

she is offering pvssy in exchange of me taking her out and spending $ on dinners.

Im fvcking broke and Im tired of her games.

I decided to ignore and let my survival mode help me to recover strength.

She still wants to hang but I dont want to show weakeness in character nor waste my time.
Totally forgot about this post, I must have been a little sauced up when I responded.

To continue - You don't have to be a total **** to a woman to create lasting attraction. In fact, these men are usually the ones "trying" to be ****s which never really works in the long run.

You see, sometimes men naturally are called ****s without any effort. And sometimes we really aren't. Women want to shape a world in which when a man doesn't respond to each and every phone call, you are an assh0le.

In reality, we all know this is just a woman attempting to convince herself that she does mean a lot to you-- and the funny thing is sometimes they do! But we don't need to be on our weighted hand and foot for these women or they will learn that they can take advantage right away.

Subconsciously women don't want an assh0le. Subconsciously women want a man who compliments her, but still holds a manly presence. Meaning, when all is said and done she knows that because he is a man, he needs her less than she really needs him. Sadly, women never admit it. When men need women more than they need us, things get out of balance. Not saying a relationship cannot last in these situations, but expect cheating and foul play in the near future.

More over, women love to state that us cheating is usually the same thing as them cheating, while in reality a lot of the time it isn't. They call us sexist for believing this, but time and time over again I find that when men cheat, it's completely sexual. When women cheat, it's emotional and sexual.

How many times have you heard of a man cheating on his wife and breaking up with her cause he met someone better? Not near as much as you hear a woman cheating on her man and meeting someone better. This is because women strive for different emotions. When they become bored with one, they hop to the next branch-- meaning the next fresh c0ck.

I've seen many men who cheat on their women, but still love them to the fullest. It's purely sexual. His girlfriend isn't putting out, so he needs to get it somewhere else-- and the hand is getting a bit boring. Like I said, tell me the last man you knew who broke up with his girl to date another? It comes once in a blue moon.

----NOW----

After hearing this, the most important thing for you is to get your head on straight. She wants dinner for sex? Wow.

Listen, as a man you do not need to pay for sex. And yes, this is paying for sex. I have never paid for sex in my life and don't plan on it. This is pathetic. It's not being a DJ, it's being a desperate horny child.

As soon as women use sex as a tool, they have taken control of you. You now crave sex from them and they know it.

In reality, you know you really don't need it. It's a short high that leaves you feeling counterproductive in the long run.

Take sex as it comes. Don't beg for it. You'll notice the trend that when you stop begging for sex, she'll start offering it way more often.

Don't get it twisted though, you are the man so you must initiate sex at times. As long as you don't beg and you show her you mean it (aka throwing her ass on the table at the right moment), she won't deny you.

But you are in totally the wrong position to initiate these things with the ex right now. She knows she has you. She doesn't even want emotional sex with you. She just wants sex to make her feel better. Don't give it to her. Not because you want to hurt her, but because you are better than that.

Forget all this BS about making her feel bad and playing games. Just get it out of your head and leave the past in the past. Whether she is hurt by your actions or not should be the least of your worries. Getting back at a woman while sometimes gratifying, is in my opinion the lowest route to take in a breakup. If it happen naturally without any intent, then ok. Fine. But if you're trying to make a woman hurt, you are still emotionally attached to her-- whether positively or negatively.
 

WC2

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broken dreams said:
Dude, Im glad you brought it up man.

I think the more you stay away the later they want to come back.
Pasting exactly from what I said above :


Forget all this BS about making her feel bad and playing games. Just get it out of your head and leave the past in the past. Whether she is hurt by your actions or not should be the least of your worries. Getting back at a woman while sometimes gratifying, is in my opinion the lowest route to take in a breakup. If it happen naturally without any intent, then ok. Fine. But if you're trying to make a woman hurt, you are still emotionally attached to her-- whether positively or negatively.
 

Gamble

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she just texted me right now saying "How are you doing" and i texted her back 20 mins later and said, "I'm fine" and kept it content. Was that cool? It felt good ignoring her for 5 days straight without the usual "popular lines" above stated and not contacting her. I am sure she will contact me again within these 2-3 weeks.
 

axxo

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you shouldnt have replied her...

Gamble said:
she just texted me right now saying "How are you doing" and i texted her back 20 mins later and said, "I'm fine" and kept it content. Was that cool? It felt good ignoring her for 5 days straight without the usual "popular lines" above stated and not contacting her. I am sure she will contact me again within these 2-3 weeks.
 

Gamble

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Now that I think about it, who cares if I texted her back or not. I was thinking about getting back with her, and thinking about not getting back with her. If that kind of thinking is taking place, then I shall just move on forward, not backward.
 

axxo

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it matters whether you text her back or not. did she dump you or not? if she dumped you, then no matter what you shouldnt have replied to her.. 'no contact' has its benefits.. she will start to wonder how you're doing.. and it might increase your chance to get her back.

Gamble said:
Now that I think about it, who cares if I texted her back or not. I was thinking about getting back with her, and thinking about not getting back with her. If that kind of thinking is taking place, then I shall just move on forward, not backward.
 

Gamble

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she will contact me within the next 2-3 weeks or so, i wont reply, But I have made the decision I want to move on
 

starplayer

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Bump... old thread I came across but this is GOLD.

If this advice was applied to some of the situations on the discussion forum, it would solve a lot of problems. Almost everyday a guy on here is asking how to get his ex girlfriend back. Yeah ok, no contact works quite well. But NC is a way for you to heal, not to get her back.

And some guys say if she comes back, you should be like "Oh I'll just use her as a fvck buddy for a while". But this won't work out 99% of the time. She will just lure you back in with sex and then you will be back under her control again. Just get rid of her, she doesn't even deserve your d!ck anymore.

The OP's comments are very consistent with my own experiences and observations of other people.

Just because you CAN get an ex back doesn't mean you SHOULD.

- Think about what you're telling your subconscious about your self-worth by taking her back;
- She might be coming back to you just for the validation;
- She might be coming back to you because you're her back-up plan;
- More than likely she will just leave you again anyway.

Dumping is the ultimate rejection and sign of disrespect. Why would you want to take back a girl who did that to you?

If a girl dumps you, have the self-respect to walk away. It might hurt in the short-term but it will be much better for you in the long run.
 
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