How to get her off my mind?

[Dirtheart]

I've developed confidence and a positive state of mind. I've learned from my mistakes, learned a wealth of information here (and elsewhere) and feel very optimistic about my chances with any woman.

However, I can't get my ex- off my mind. I seem to wake up every morning and she's the first thing I think of. I haven't seen her for about 2 months and I'm positive I could regain her interest if she'd only agree to spend some time with me (she keeps making excuses not to). I know exactly where I messed up and I know exactly how to correct it and this, I believe, is what plagues me.

I'm not in love and I've got so many other things to occupy my time, but even so, the thought of her doesn't disappear.

I guess it's a case of chronic oneitis, but I do WANT to put her out of my mind. I just need to know HOW.

Anyone?

 

[NewMan]

There is no pill to take - no easy solution.

What you must not do however is to dwell on her constantly - you have the power over your mind and what you think about.

When you think about her - or she pops into your mind - relaize this - but move on to somthing else. Call a buddy - play a video game - get involved with work etc....


Time is the only thing that will solve this problem - it's natural.

I'm positive I could regain her interest if she'd only agree to spend some time with me (she keeps making excuses not to)

Thats a sign that she's not interested - either that or she has a new guy she's working on.

 

[Maxtro]

This should be helpful to you. The ULTIMATE Guide to Beating/Avoiding Oneitis! Revised Edition

 

[Dirtheart]

Thanks guys, a lot of logical advice there.

The problem I have is that when we started seeing each other, she worshipped me. She told me I was the best guy she'd ever met and couldn't believe how lucky she was - it was common knowledge to her friends and my friends too.

However, I had a family tragedy, which threw me into a spiral of depression and drove her away. She didn't know about the tragedy so I can't blame her, but the last impression she has of me is a depressive wuss, which is not who I am at all.

In other words, the only thing that put her off me (and the reason I think she's avoiding me) was this temporary phase and this "wrong" impression. And it's so hard to let go based on what can best be described as a misunderstanding.

Maybe I'm fooling myself, but I do believe she would jump at the chance to get back with the "non-depressed" me. But there's no way I can prove I'm back to my old self via txt, email or phonecalls.

If I know I can't change something I'll move on without any difficulty, but maybe I just need to repair this misunderstanding before I can rest. If she doesn't want to be with me then, I'll know it's beyond my control.

 

[Maxtro]

First off, are you still depressed? If you are don’t bother with her. If you aren’t I’d call her up tell her you need to talk. Hopefully she would meet with you, if she doesn’t then forget her. Then explain to her what happened. She should understand. Also tell her that you’re back to normal now.

That’s the best advice I can come up with. If anybody has something better to say please do.

 

[Alen-Delon]

tell her what youve told us... if she still has any feelings towards you she should understand.
if not leave it.

 

[Dirtheart]

Thanks guys. I'm not depressed any more. In fact, overcoming the incident has given me a lot of strength, which I'd like her to see.

I have been thinking of telling her what happened, but I suppose I was hoping for the right opportunity.

However, I have just written her an email explaining what happened, that I'm over it and that I'd like us to meet up for a casual chat one afternoon. Perhaps when she reads what has happened she'll get in touch with me. I guess I'll have to leave it upto her now.

Anyway thanks again for the advice.

 

[Dirtheart]

Update: She has agreed to meet with me

It has been three months since we broke up and she has sent me a txt msg agreeing to meet with me for an hour or two later this week.

She knows what happened now, but I don't want our meeting to be filled with apologies and explanations. I want her to see someone confident and relaxed and whose company she can enjoy again.

She will see a much more composed side of me, but I expect her to be somewhat resistant when we meet and really need some tips on breaking this state and getting her to see me with an open mind.

Physically, I know she has always been very attracted to me so I'm hoping this will work in my favour, but I really need to know how to approach the conversation in a way that will show her I'm not the wuss she remembers.

Your help and suggestions would really be appreciated.

 

[Gangsta Pimp]

when u do meet her be yourself , be humorous at the same , dont be desparate , make her want u , joke with her and dont even raise the idea of lets get bck together , but tease and get her thinkin whut if I hadnt broken up with u,and lastly try to find some new gurls u can talk to ,and go out with that they may occupy your attention, because-want a gurl , but dont need her u should be able to replace her. She shouldnt be your world , u should be her world

 

[Dirtheart]

She cancelled

So much for second chances. I texted her to ask when we could meet up and she told me, "I have a lot going on, see you soon".

I've started to realise that I'm not allowing myself to rule her out altogether and move on. I keep hanging onto the hope we will meet, she'll see past my last impression and she'll be glad she gave me a chance.

I admit, the last times we met I dragged her into my depressive mood, so I see why she doesn't want to meet, but it's so damn frustrating knowing I can change her perception if only she'd let me.

Perhaps she's met someone else or perhaps she's afraid meeting me will stir some feelings. I don't know, but I think I've reached the end of the line.

I didn't want to do this in case there was another chance, but I'm going to try a few self-hypnosis techniques that should rid my mind of any feelings associated with her.

 

[Hollowpoint]

Uh?


I agree with what other people have said. You need to take your mind off from that but focusing yourself on another issue. Take up bodybuilding, martial arts......something fun where you can get out and take to people. Join a damned support group if you have to.

In March.......both my grandpa and my grandma passed away very close to each other. It REALLY increased the strain on my schoolwork and relationship with my girl at the time. I let her know, in a mature manner, to let her know what was going on with me at the time.

You have to communicate. That is how relationships work.
You can't be all depressive and expect her to be happy near you.
If anything, first get your mind off that, then if you ever DO meet up with her again I suggest you go somewhere you KNOW you will have fun.

 

[Dirtheart]

Thanks. She does still mean a lot to me and I know she felt the same for me (she really believed I was her soul mate before this sh*t happened).

I actually have a lot going on in my life and I have more female friends than I can count, many of which I see every day. But whenever I'm doing something or whenever I'm talking to someone else, I still find myself thinking of her and strategising on how to get her to meet me.

A lot of people frequently tell me I could have any girl I want without even trying, but the truth is, right now I'm not interested in many girls, I just want back the girl who I felt so comfortable with.

Ok, I admit, I'm obsessed! I have oneitis! My whole DJing research has been about getting her back. If I say otherwise I'm fooling myself. I know all you guys are right, I can see the logic of what has been said, but I'm having difficulty telling my mind to act on it.

 

[NewMan]

Don't sweat it.

Whatever brought you here - your still here.

This thing will run it's course - you can speed it up some - but the one-I-tis will be what it is - and until you yourself get through it and out the other side, there's nothing that anyone here can say or do to help you see what you need to do.

Do a search on some of my posts and you will see I went through something very simular.

Time my friend heels.

Right now I'm through the other side with confidence. I don't want to go back with her, because I now see what I've been missing and what she has turned into.

You will go through the same evolution.

Remain strong - have fun with friends - and pick up on as many chicks as you can!!!

 

[Cremasta]

It's already been said..."There is no easy way and time heals all".

BUT! What you want to do is forget about her for longer and longer periods. The best way to do this is... <Drum roll please> Do Stuff. There it is, the magic secret. Do anything as long as it is exciting, noisy and takes your full attention. Ok, here are a few ideas so you get my drift...

Go indoor rock climbing - theres 2 hours gone.
Go watch a soccer/football/rugby game - theres 3 hours gone.
Go to the dragraces/motor show/formula 1 - theres 6 hours gone.
Go to the pub or have a barbecue with a bunch of mates - theres a whole night gone.

I have been in your position and I guarantee the only time you will think of the ex is when you are sitting around doing bugger all. Keep yourself busy and one day you will wake up and realise that the whole previous day, you didn't think about the ex a single time... a great day!

 

[Dirtheart]

Thanks guys, I've took the advice and I also decided to make my first (semi)cold approach yesterday.

I've been noticing a very hot girl in one of my lecturers who keeps smiling at me when she passes. I've never spoken to her and had no reason to, but yesterday I decided just to go and talk to her. It was pretty easy, no nerves or anything. I didn't actually get round to asking her out because she asked me out first.

She's Italian and is returning to Italy in 2 weeks, so there's no LTR possibility, but I've suddenly lost most of my interest in my ex-.

I guess I just needed another woman to focus on and a bit of a self-esteem boost.