How to balance the desire for sex and the desire for closeness?

[squirrels]

I'm at a point right now in my dating life where I'd like to give a steady relationship with a girl a try...you know, nothing too heavy, but just to have a chance to let things develop with one person, just to get an idea of what it's like.

On the other hand, however, I'm a horndog...I love having sex. I go out to the club and see girls dressed up in hot stuff and I just start mentally drooling.

It seems like the two are mutually exclusive, unless I can find a woman to get steady with who's just so frikkin hot and good in bed that other girls don't matter.

Unfortunately, lots of times the two are mutually exclusive...the sluts don't make good girlfriends.

How do I go about screening for women who are both demons in the sack AND have the essential traits for a STR-MTR? Should I keep doing what I'm doing...trying to lay women and just seeing which ones start to show promise as girlfriend-prospects? Or should I be doing it the other way around? It seems like when I just go after women sexually, they assume that it's all I'm about, so right when I start to get interested in something more, they're already on their way out.

 

[Vulpine]

How to balance the desire for sex and the desire for closeness?

I've had my pet cat "Fu ckface" longer than any LTR I've ever had.

Think about that good and hard.

 

[Nighthawk]

unless I can find a woman to get steady with who's just so frikkin hot and good in bed that other girls don't matter.

That's the only way. Have fun trying to find her.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

What the fukk IS it with guys on this board lately? Back the hell up and read what you're typing. Squirrels, DJ Velvet, Yendor, all you guys have got this friggin' LTR disease. All you guys are in your mid 20s, man you know what I'd give to be 26 and single again knowing what I do now? Holy sh!t I'd kill myself from exhaustion with the amount of plates I'd be spinning and women I'd be working. Stop it with this LTR as a goal state already. If you are 26 y.o. you haven't tapped near enough ass to be posting these whiny, self-serving, complaints about jugging good sex women with good housewife (see Mother) women.

SQUIRRELS, you want the cold, hard, fukked up truth to your question? That hot, 22 y.o. slut you picked up in the club who you banged the first night you met her and agreed to start an LTR with you will turn into a self-conscious Nun once you're involved with her and that performance-competitive anxiety is removed. LTRs are at best bait & switch, and this is coming from a guy who's been happily married for the last 10 years after tapping 50+ women in his 20s. Trust me, where you are now is as good as it gets. I'm still waiting for the married/LTR guy to tell me how much more intense and how much more frequently he get after it with his woman.

Like I posted in DJ Velvet's thread, it's this monogamy-as-goal mentality that's self-defeating. Stop it with this stupid LTR screening process - you sound like a woman - just enjoy (responsibly) as many women as you can comfortably date at the same time and 1, 2 or even 3 of them will rise to the top. You want a woman to beg YOU to become exclusive, not the other way around. When a guy puts an LTR on a pedestal, he'll take any woman willing to somewhat fill that role.

This is a pre-whipped mentality. You predispose yourself to putting an LTR as a goal. You become a slave to an idealization.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Squirrels,


I'm actually on a similar mission. And I have developed a plan. I will attempt to do it one of two ways:


1. Either keep being the sexual-vibe type guy until I finally encounter a Good Girl with the fewest ulterior motives and who is intent on trying to make me wait for it...

2. Or, my FIRST preference, keep being a more holistic, BALANCED DJ. And as I continue to sarge, find a Good Girl, captivate her mind, and turn her into my own personal sex freak.



That's the mission...I'll keep you posted.

 

[squirrels]

You know what? You're right.

The problem is that I'm hitting a new level right now...I'm actually starting to attract girls of a different caliber...the REALLY hot ones that everyone wants.

The thing is, you can be spinning as many plates as you want, but if only one of them is a GOOD plate, all the rest don't matter. I'm focusing too much attention to the good ones that come along only because I don't have MORE good ones to compare them to.

Thus, just as you said, I'm looking for compromises.

I guess I have to focus back on my old standard...that relationships will develop at whatever pace is appropriate, ENTIRELY on their own, and to hell with any woman who wants to force the pace to increase, decrease, or becomes uncomfortable with it. It either works or it doesn't...if it doesn't, it's a sign of incompatibility...or failure of the woman to properly recognize the value of being with me.

I don't know why I insist on holding the particularly attractive ones to any different standard than all the rest. There's nothing special about them, really...they just got lucky in the gene pool. The problem is that because of their scarcity, it's hard to just go out and replace them. I can replace a "7" the same night. A "9" on the other hand is not so easy, especially in THIS town.

Those 1 or 2 that rise to the top, as soon as they do, they disappear. I haven't figured out how to hang on to them and that REALLY messes with my head. I still feel like I'm doing something wrong. That's why I'm posting this "crap". I've got two or three girls hanging around now, but they're all F-buddy status or lower-caliber women...7-range. What's my issue with getting a 9? Or even an 8 that I can at least relate to?

I've become utterly frustrated with this quest. If it's the girls themselves that don't measure up, where the hell are the ones that DO? Already married?

Fvck, I dunno. I'm just tired of wading through constant streams of sh!t looking for diamonds buried in the muck, only to find that every time one of the rare suckers comes along, it slips through my fingers and back into the sh!t.

What's even the point of playing the game with women if you can't win? Why even bother seducing women if they aren't even going to appreciate it the next day?

I honestly feel like these women are USING me. Like they see me and think, "Hey, he's good looking and sexually skilled..." so they hook up with me, then they're on to the next guy...or meet someone else and fall for him. I don't want to be a sex-toy for women. It's weak, supplicative behavior.

I've had women hook up with me, then turn around and marry their ex-boyfriends. I've had women be totally into me and then just stop calling or returning calls for no apparent reason. I feel like I'm constantly on the outside. I feel as though I'm always "the other guy" that she's leaving for someone she's REALLY into. I'm supposed to be the guy that she leaves her man for...I'm either a friggin rebound fling or I always end up getting tooled by someone else.

I want to know WHY I can't be the guy they all want. Not just for sex, but the one that they're honestly head-over-heels in love with. What do I need? Tons of money? Fame?

****in A, man. I'm tired of being cut after the first or second audition. I'm every BIT as good, if not better, than everyone else out there. WTF am I doing wrong?? The only thing I can think of is that by focusing on "banging women", they're getting the impression that all I'm good for is a fvcking fling.

If this impression is WRONG, then someone throw me a line, here. WTF is it about me that makes women treat me like a piece of meat, use me, and then fvcking discard me? I like sex as much as anyone, but I feel like I AT LEAST deserve some fvcking respect.

Maybe it's gay-sounding, but you know what? I would rather be NOT having sex at ALL than being some expendable boy-toy for a hundred hot supermodel chicks, used for sex, but always looked at as a friggin piece of meat for use until she finds someone else.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

The thing is, you can be spinning as many plates as you want, but if only one of them is a GOOD plate, all the rest don't matter. I'm focusing too much attention to the good ones that come along only because I don't have MORE good ones to compare them to.

Wrong. This is exactly why you DO spin plates you're less interested in than the "GOOD" ones. I should say "GOOD" one because that's what it eventually cooks down to. You get to the point where you're pulling some class A ass and the problem becomes you not having any prior experience to compare her to. You start thinking "damn, this is the best woman I've ever got with" so you start falling back on your AFC behavior set AND you voluntarily eliminate your other plates because you get scared of losing the "best chick you've ever got with" if she finds out you've got more plates spinning. Of course this is eventually self-defeating because the whole reason you had the sack to approach a class A chick and close with her was BECAUSE you had the confidence that you had more plates spinning.

I know this sounds counterintuitive, but you have to keep your plates spinning, if for no other reason than the confidence you derive from it. The minute your attention becomes devalued and something common that she doesn't have to compete with other women for you lose the frame.

 

[WestCoaster]

If you're under 30, the only LTR you should be in is with a woman who is so off the charts in personality, kindness, motherhood, cooking, sexuality, looks, etc., that you believe she's the end all.

If she' not all that, you should spin as many as possible. I'm of the theory that if you find someone who is just incredible, keep her ... good luck finding that person in the U.S.A.

I also believe you have to date 50 to 100 women to find that person you marry ... perhaps more than 100.

 

[squirrels]

Wrong. This is exactly why you DO spin plates you're less interested in than the "GOOD" ones. I should say "GOOD" one because that's what it eventually cooks down to. You get to the point where you're pulling some class A ass and the problem becomes you not having any prior experience to compare her to. You start thinking "damn, this is the best woman I've ever got with" so you start falling back on your AFC behavior set AND you voluntarily eliminate your other plates because you get scared of losing the "best chick you've ever got with" if she finds out you've got more plates spinning. Of course this is eventually self-defeating because the whole reason you had the sack to approach a class A chick and close with her was BECAUSE you had the confidence that you had more plates spinning.

I know this sounds counterintuitive, but you have to keep your plates spinning, if for no other reason than the confidence you derive from it. The minute your attention becomes devalued and something common that she doesn't have to compete with other women for you lose the frame.

I have no intention of dropping my other plates...they just seem like such a waste of effort to spin though in comparison.

Like I said, the problem isn't continuing to spin the "good plates", it's GETTING them to spin in the first place. It's like they fall off right away and I can't do anything to stabilize their interest level. They're here, everything looks good on date one or two, then BAM, they're gone, no-show, no-call, no NOTHING. Just GONE. No idea what I did wrong, no red flags, no sign of declining interest, no NOTHING. Ran off and found something (or someone) else to do.

Like I said, I feel USED. Why can't I maintain the IL of particularly attractive women? What do I need to change about my technique to be ABLE to spin the good plates?

I thought it was angling less toward sex and more toward emotional connection. But obviously from our discussion, that's the wrong idea. So what DO I need to adjust?

I don't want to be an amateur plate-spinner for life. I can spin a dozen 6s or 7s all my life if I want...that's dull. I want to be among the elite. I want to be so good that the plates, the 8s and 9s, practically spin themselves. What do I have to do to accomplish this?

 

[DjVelvet]

If you're under 30, the only LTR you should be in is with a woman who is so off the charts in personality, kindness, motherhood, cooking, sexuality, looks, etc., that you believe she's the end all.

If she' not all that, you should spin as many as possible. I'm of the theory that if you find someone who is just incredible, keep her ... good luck finding that person in the U.S.A.

I also believe you have to date 50 to 100 women to find that person you marry ... perhaps more than 100.

In proportion to the numbers of women i met that is just incredible, sad to say, over a period of 4 years, out of around 20-30plates i met. Only 1 or 2 met the near incredible position.

Its a numbers game as like its sales.

 

[Vulpine]

Like I said, the problem isn't continuing to spin the "good plates", it's GETTING them to spin in the first place. It's like they fall off right away and I can't do anything to stabilize their interest level. They're here, everything looks good on date one or two, then BAM, they're gone, no-show, no-call, no NOTHING. Just GONE. No idea what I did wrong, no red flags, no sign of declining interest, no NOTHING. Ran off and found something (or someone) else to do.

Sounds like you are hooking up with "hobby daters". Are you picking these chicks up online? If so, there's the bulk of your problem.

 

[GirlCrazy]

You predispose yourself to putting an LTR as a goal.

You're assuming that every guy with the goal of having a good LTR automatically drops all his spinning plates and reverts back to chump behavior for the first chick he meets that wants an LTR. 26 (give or take a few years) is right about the time a man is mentally and emotionally prepared to look for something longer term.

Using a business analogy: as a business traveller, hotels and rental cars, no matter how fancy, become less comfortable over time as your car or your house. Some guys like having a different car and a different place to live once a week, and that's perfectly fine. But the guys who like the comfort of sticking with something they like aren't necessarilly chumps for purposefully seeking that out. Success in anything usually doesn't happen without goals and planning.

Thinking there's "the one" is bullsh!t. There's lots of "comfortable rides" out there for everyone. Thinking that you'll find any woman that's decent LTR material without spinning lots of plates first is a fantasy. An unlucky streak could get you a dozen first dates with psycho b!tches from hell before you find one even in the right ballpark for an LTR. And the right ballpark being less red flags than a Russion military parade. Quality women are annoyingly hard to find.

But it's possible to "shop" for a good LTR if you take it slow, have a solid plan, keep your eyes open, and stick to your guns. You roll the dice enough times and eventually your number comes up.

The day I met my wife, I told her up front that I was seeing other women with the goal of eventually finding something more long term, but was currently having a good time with the dating scene and in no hurry to rush into anything. I never had oneitis with her and neither of us were jealous, possessive or even really talked about being exclusive. It was just this cool casual thing that kept going and is still going almost 10 years later. Her one red flag was the fact that there were no red flags, which I'm still suspicious of. Still no oneitis, and still spinning "practice plates" (stopping before the close of course) to stay sharp.

 

[thissucks003]

Wrong. This is exactly why you DO spin plates you're less interested in than the "GOOD" ones. I should say "GOOD" one because that's what it eventually cooks down to. You get to the point where you're pulling some class A ass and the problem becomes you not having any prior experience to compare her to. You start thinking "damn, this is the best woman I've ever got with" so you start falling back on your AFC behavior set AND you voluntarily eliminate your other plates because you get scared of losing the "best chick you've ever got with" if she finds out you've got more plates spinning. Of course this is eventually self-defeating because the whole reason you had the sack to approach a class A chick and close with her was BECAUSE you had the confidence that you had more plates spinning.

I know this sounds counterintuitive, but you have to keep your plates spinning, if for no other reason than the confidence you derive from it. The minute your attention becomes devalued and something common that she doesn't have to compete with other women for you lose the frame.

That is a great answer.

But in addition to that, I get the impression that squirrels never emotionally connected with any of these women. It seems all too superficial on the looks department and that he never connected emotionally to any of them that the girls saw the situation as it was and used it just for graticfication purposes.

 

[MightyMate]

It just takes time. I had same prob. I dont have gf often. I just**** or date.

 

[NewMan]

You know, so many people on this board are turning into old mother hens.

Next thing you know, they'll be talking about male biological clocks and how they are tick, tick, ticking.

I;ve seem some of my friends announce the same garabage.

"Oh, it's time I settled down, I need to find a good woman"

SLAAAAAAAAP *Newman's Hand reaches out of the Monitor*


You can't force this stuff guys. The minute you start thinking in terms of 'finding a LTR' is the time where you'll make a mistake and get involve with the wrong woman - just because you want to make it happen.

Just focus on what's important.

You.

Live life well. Live life to the max. Stopping thinking in terms of age and boundaries. Your a man, there is no set time that these things need to happen.

Live richly, surround yourself with quality friends - and everything else will follow I guarantee.

Like attracts like. I your desperate, if your needy, you will attract the same.

Stop brooding - stop worrying about your 'FEELINGS' and 'EMOTIONS' you bunch of Metro's - and start living.

If you like Fvcking, then keep fvcking.

 

[Cableguy]

You know, so many people on this board are turning into old mother hens.

Next thing you know, they'll be talking about male biological clocks and how they are tick, tick, ticking.

I;ve seem some of my friends announce the same garabage.

"Oh, it's time I settled down, I need to find a good woman"

SLAAAAAAAAP *Newman's Hand reaches out of the Monitor*


You can't force this stuff guys. The minute you start thinking in terms of 'finding a LTR' is the time where you'll make a mistake and get involve with the wrong woman - just because you want to make it happen.

Just focus on what's important.

You.

Live life well. Live life to the max. Stopping thinking in terms of age and boundaries. Your a man, there is no set time that these things need to happen.

Live richly, surround yourself with quality friends - and everything else will follow I guarantee.

Like attracts like. I your desperate, if your needy, you will attract the same.

Stop brooding - stop worrying about your 'FEELINGS' and 'EMOTIONS' you bunch of Metro's - and start living.

If you like Fvcking, then keep fvcking.

Beautifully articulated. That's the response I had in my head for squirrels. Another observation. Could it be squirrels that you've been so successful dating and sexing women that you view an LTR as the next biggest challenge? Confusing your desire for a bigger challenge for wanting to settle down? Just a thought.

I hope to one day be frustrated that I can spin hb7s all day but the really hot ones only want to shag me. Come down to Va squirrels and I'll introduce you to some fresh scenery.

 

[squirrels]

Beautifully articulated. That's the response I had in my head for squirrels. Another observation. Could it be squirrels that you've been so successful dating and sexing women that you view an LTR as the next biggest challenge? Confusing your desire for a bigger challenge for wanting to settle down? Just a thought.

I hope to one day be frustrated that I can spin hb7s all day but the really hot ones only want to shag me. Come down to Va squirrels and I'll introduce you to some fresh scenery.

I was in VA early last week. Should've said something sooner and I would've taken a day.

 

[RedPill]

squirrels, I think I asked you this in another thread you started, but I'll ask it again - what do you have going on in your life outside of women? What are you shooting for? It sounds like women are the focus of your life.

 

[squirrels]

squirrels, I think I asked you this in another thread you started, but I'll ask it again - what do you have going on in your life outside of women? What are you shooting for? It sounds like women are the focus of your life.

They're my focus in the short-term, yes. I've got some other things that I want to accomplish, but as yet I am not aware of the means. And I can't really work on those things 7/24. I have a lot of free time at work that my mind spends wandering, plus a lot of free time late at night. Women seem to be one of the things present in my life on which I can focus that energy.

What are you REALLY asking?

Seriously...there are things that you can experience with a steady girl that you just don't get with a random hook-up. I do a lot of things in my life...martial arts, rock climbing, motorcycle riding...I focus on these when it's appropriate to. I'm starting to deliberate on possible career moves as well, so I can have more money to get/do the things that I want.

Honestly, though, I'm tired of doing stuff alone. I want to be able to do all the little things that couples can do that a single person just doesn't get any satisfaction out of.

Like I said, sex is great, but everyone seems to have the idea here that the only thing women are good for is a warm place to stick your pen!s. That sh!t gets old. If that's the case, why even bother?

I'd like to have someone I can share my life experiences with, where the sex isn't the aim in and of itself, but it acts as a celebration of all that we share. I see others with that, and I wonder, "Why not me?"

I try just taking it day-by-day and "seeing what happens", but that hasn't been enough for any girl I've ever met. This forum says they'll all want to lock me down, but instead, they all want to get away from me and find someone else. Even if I'm banging them.

I obviously just don't get it. I mean, is it REALLY that all these women can't relax into a relationship one day at a time and just enjoy the good times/sex because they're ALL head-cases? And if they're ending up with "lesser men", then why is it when I look at these "lesser men" who are "trapped" in their LTRs, I think to myself, "damn, that guy is living the life"?

Is just bouncing from girl to girl to girl, having casual sex and knowing that none of them would care if you died tomorrow, the pinnacle of what it means to be a "man" in the context of male-female relationships? That's just sad.

I honestly feel like every time I seduce or sleep with a girl, I give up a piece of myself.

 

[RedPill]

They're my focus in the short-term, yes. I've got some other things that I want to accomplish, but as yet I am not aware of the means. And I can't really work on those things 7/24. I have a lot of free time at work that my mind spends wandering, plus a lot of free time late at night. Women seem to be one of the things present in my life on which I can focus that energy.

What are you REALLY asking?

Seriously...there are things that you can experience with a steady girl that you just don't get with a random hook-up. I do a lot of things in my life...martial arts, rock climbing, motorcycle riding...I focus on these when it's appropriate to. I'm starting to deliberate on possible career moves as well, so I can have more money to get/do the things that I want.

Honestly, though, I'm tired of doing stuff alone. I want to be able to do all the little things that couples can do that a single person just doesn't get any satisfaction out of.

Like I said, sex is great, but everyone seems to have the idea here that the only thing women are good for is a warm place to stick your pen!s. That sh!t gets old. If that's the case, why even bother?

I'd like to have someone I can share my life experiences with, where the sex isn't the aim in and of itself, but it acts as a celebration of all that we share. I see others with that, and I wonder, "Why not me?"

I try just taking it day-by-day and "seeing what happens", but that hasn't been enough for any girl I've ever met. This forum says they'll all want to lock me down, but instead, they all want to get away from me and find someone else. Even if I'm banging them.

I obviously just don't get it. I mean, is it REALLY that all these women can't relax into a relationship one day at a time and just enjoy the good times/sex because they're ALL head-cases? And if they're ending up with "lesser men", then why is it when I look at these "lesser men" who are "trapped" in their LTRs, I think to myself, "damn, that guy is living the life"?

Is just bouncing from girl to girl to girl, having casual sex and knowing that none of them would care if you died tomorrow, the pinnacle of what it means to be a "man" in the context of male-female relationships? That's just sad.

I honestly feel like every time I seduce or sleep with a girl, I give up a piece of myself.

Dude, where did you pick up the highlighted phrases from above? Watching Oprah?

What do you want out of life man? What ambitions do you have? From the contents of this single post, one could conclude you:

a) aren't passionate about your career
b) aren't actively working to get control of the financial obstacles your life
c) have a lot of free time
d) still subscribe to romanticism (see links below), which is the foundation of the AFC's house
e) are looking for a woman to make you happy
f) are focusing on women when you don't even know what it is you want to do with your life

I'm not trying to pick on you here, but you're chasing women instead of chasing your dreams, and that sucks. What would great-great-Grandpa Squirrels who never met you think of that? Where is your drive to build on top of what generations of great men before you have achieved? Where is your zest for life?

Here's a good quote posted by ElChoclo recently, and some threads on romanticism. Check it out:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showpost.php?p=1008399&postcount=13

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/search.php?searchid=187235