How should I respond when my "ex" asks me if I've been with anyone since we've "broken up"?

[bensimsJYG]

I dated this girl (we're both 18) for several months during, starting all the way back in January/February. We had a great relationship, and she was very good LTR material (strong father figure, good upbringing, smart, pretty, trustworthy, submissive, was a virgin, etc.). HSShe's been hopelessly in love with me during the whole relationship, and I very much enjoyed her company. However, we ended up choosing colleges that are 1000 miles apart. She wanted to stay together and make it work, so at first we established a whole system to do so. With each of us visiting the other one time during the semester and with breaks in our hometown, we'd spend at least four weekends with each other until the semester ends in December. We also planned to video chat every other day.

However, I started to realize how unrealistic it was to expect an LDR to work with a girl so far away while I'm surrounded by all these beautiful girls in college. So, I broke it off, telling her how I think that it's unrealistic for us to have this label while we're so far away from each other. She was distraught and destroyed. Since I do like her a lot, I told her that we're only broken up in name, and it doesn't mean anything is necessarily different. So we decided to continue with the plan, and she flew here to visit a couple weeks ago. Things are going well, and she's still very so much into me (we video chat every other day, still say I love you, etc.). Only thing however, is that I have been hooking up with other girls since I've moved into college. She doesn't know this for sure, but has mentioned how me being around so many other girls is a concern of hers. She has tried to ask me a couple times, but I've managed to circumvent the question. However, it's getting to the point where I can't keep avoiding it. Next time we see each other in person (next weekend), I'm sure she's going to ask and won't take anything but an answer.

How do you guys think I should answer her question? I really like her a lot and don't want to lie to her, but I'm also scared of how she'll react if I told her what I've been up to. It might actually destroy her on the inside and I don't want anything like that to happen. Technically I am single and can do what I want, but I'd feel like **** crushing this girl who I like very much.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Awwww, that's so cute that you think you have to be honest with her and tell her everything you're doing - how sweet! Unrealistic, mind you, but sweet!

Real talk, tho: you don't owe her a relationship at this time. You braking it off was actually the nicest, most unselfish thing you could have done for her since you're recognizing your need to connect with the girls that are currently around you. You telling her you're broken up in name only was one of the more selfish things you could have done because you're giving her hope for something that currently isn't, and because you're currently hooking up with other women.

The answer, then, is not to answer her question at all, but to avoid it altogether by officially breaking it off. No titles, no "things will still be the same" (because they aren't) - just a simple, "I like being able to see and hear from you, but realistically I think we can only be friends for now." Or, if you don't want to give her the "LJBF" speech, at the very least you need to break off any physical relationship you have going on with her since she's in love with you and will take it very, VERY harshly if she finds out you've been saying "I love you" to her while banging other chicks.

That's the reality of college, my friend: you try to hold on to the past, but you can only keep moving forward. Funny enough, I did a podcast about this whole subject like a month ago (which you can listen to HERE). Regardless of what you do, do NOT tell her what you've been doing. She doesn't need to hear about other women you've been with; she only needs to know that your current arrangement isn't going to work due to distance reasons, and that it would be for the best not to continue on like it can. Hope this helps!

 

[Desdinova]

How do you guys think I should answer her question? I really like her a lot and don't want to lie to her, but I'm also scared of how she'll react if I told her what I've been up to. It might actually destroy her on the inside and I don't want anything like that to happen. Technically I am single and can do what I want, but I'd feel like **** crushing this girl who I like very much.

You need to leave her guessing. When she asks if you've been with other women, answer "Yes, I have! I've been with my mother, my sister, my aunt Jackie, and that old lady who bakes cookies for me. They really enjoy my company". If she re-asks you, say "I just told you..." and repeat your answer. That gives her a "no" on the surface, but it doesn't give her a "yes" either.

ALWAYS keep them guessing, especially if you're not dating them.

 

[Maximus Rex]

Why are you still talking to you ex? Anyway, tell her this in a very sarcastic tone.

 

[Bible_Belt]

"I don't kiss and tell."

 

[RangerMIke]

You are already lost because you "like her a lot". But you are young.... so I will help you. Look I absolutely LOVE women, but you really need to understand their nature. She does not give a flying fvck about how you feel. An if you are seeing other women then this will actually make her MORE attracted to you.

When she asks you this sh!t this is what you tell her.... it's none of her fvcking business and that you would never ask her about dudes she is seeing, and leave it at that.

 

[WanderingMan]

She's asking you if you're seeing other chicks. This could be for a number of reasons. No reason not to tell her, other than to string her along and give her false hope. Set the bird free.

 

[Poon King]

Is she your EX or not??

Make up your mind bro. If you DUMPED HER.. then you should be sport f*cking other women and not worrying about what you do and don't tell her. Put her on the shelf and come back to her when you're ready. Worried she won't wait? Then she is not an "Ex". And Ex is someone you are no longer dating.. and so that makes you SINGLE. So act like it.

 

[aforabi]

I would say, "I was getting laid like every week, and have made up my mind ONLY to settle with BEST!"

 

[ProDJ26]

You need to leave her guessing. When she asks if you've been with other women, answer "Yes, I have! I've been with my mother, my sister, my aunt Jackie, and that old lady who bakes cookies for me. They really enjoy my company". If she re-asks you, say "I just told you..." and repeat your answer. That gives her a "no" on the surface, but it doesn't give her a "yes" either.

ALWAYS keep them guessing, especially if you're not dating them.

Mind games lol

 

[Desdinova]

Mind games lol

Call them what you will. As long as it keeps her thinking about you, that's all that counts. The place you want to be is stuck on her mind.

 

[Fugitive]

Hmm clearly if you still say "I love you" to each other then you're not broken up.

If you want to be honest then you need to start by being honest with yourself. What do you want? You've got 2 options here:

1) Keep her as a plate, so keep f*cking her, keep seeing her, maybe a bit less on the video chat as that's making you both dependent. Meanwhile keep f*cking other girls too. So you have the best of both worlds and who knows where it might go. By insinutation this means you do not tell her about the other women. It's not honest, but it's a really good deal.

2) You re-dump her and be honest that you want to see other women. In this case the truth hurts, you're probably going to hurt her and though she will initially try to keep you eventually you will probably lose her for good.

Good luck.

 

[ProDJ26]

Call them what you will. As long as it keeps her thinking about you, that's all that counts. The place you want to be is stuck on her mind.

The f'd up part about this behavior is that most women LOVE when someone treats them this way. Women simply amaze me

 

[WanderingMan]

Call them what you will. As long as it keeps her thinking about you, that's all that counts. The place you want to be is stuck on her mind.

I'm not one who's all for stringing chicks along. For one, IMO, it accomplishes nothing, except turning a chick into hamster spinning basket case.

Guys here have to understand this maxim: "a woman would rather share an Alpha, than have a beta all to herself."

But, REGARDLESS, All that lying to her is going to accomplish is getting some other poor sap to post on here: "so I'm in love with this girl at college, we get along great, she seems to like me, but she says she can't do anything because of some ex-boyfriend who's 8 million miles away." Then cue 8 pages of poster laughing their asses off at him and telling him to go no contact.

Set her free - set yourself free.

 

[Desdinova]

I'm not one who's all for stringing chicks along. For one, IMO, it accomplishes nothing, except turning a chick into hamster spinning basket case.

If you don't turn her into a "hamster spinning basket case", then some other guy is going to do it. She's either going to be fvcking you, or fvcking someone else who's doing a better job at getting her emotions to fluctuate.

Set her free - set yourself free.

Women are never free from having their emotions getting the best of them.

 

[WanderingMan]

If you don't turn her into a "hamster spinning basket case", then some other guy is going to do it. She's either going to be fvcking you, or fvcking someone else who's doing a better job at getting her emotions to fluctuate.

I agree, but I'm looking at this particular situation. She's a little ways a way, kind of tuff for her to come over for a midnight booty call. REGARDLESS (again), if the goal is to keep her hamster spinning, wouldn't him banging other chicks be one way of getting her emotions to fluctuate?

Women are never free from having their emotions getting the best of them.

This is a good point, and I agree. Although, just sayin, I'm not the type to so blatantly deceive. It's not my way. And my doctrine is that deceit to this degree is not needed, and can/will hurt you and the greater good in the long run - a few harmless white lies here and there to keep things on the straight and narrow are okay, as are games. But, here, we're talking about a line being crossed.

 

[logicallefty]

I have been directly asked this question not too long ago and my answer was "Yes of course. The first time I had sex after you (ex gf) I have to admit it was a little awkward the first few minutes, getting used to a new partner and that... But after I got past that it was awesome!! How has your sex life been? " This was with an ex that I really couldn't stand but she thought we were still 'friends'. I threw her a tiny compliment to get her hamster spinning, then threw egg on the hamster wheel and goobered it all up lol