How Important Is Communication In A LTR?

[soulforge]

Calling BS on that. No person (i.e. your gf's friend) can "influence" another person (i.e. your gf) without her permission.

I mean come on, she is grown ass woman @soulforge she knows what's appropriate behavior for a woman in an exclusive relationship and what's not.

And as such, if she goes along with her BFF suggesting doing something untoward (like hanging and drinking at a bar for example) when you both had made the agreement that doing so was off limits, that was just wrong and reflects very poor character on her part imo.

And yeah, if you can't trust her to respect mutually-agreed upon boundaries, what the hell is there?

This is the problem with imposing strict rules such as "you can't do this, you're not allowed to do that," she's not your child! Nor are YOU hers.

Said before but a good girlfriend that you should be considering for long term should already know how to behave properly, a man should not have to impose rules to get her to behave the way HE wants.

Observe her behavior before long terming, if she does NOT meet your particular standards, whatever they may be, dump her for heaven's sake.

Good luck!!

Totally agree with you. And the fact that she didn't contact me and let me know she has come home, already tells me that she isn't behaving in an ideal manner.

I personally don't think she went to a bar or anything.. However it's possible.

I will be meeting her this weekend, and I think there will more clarity on what went on that night.

If it does turn out that she went to a bar drinking etc, then I won't hesitate to end things with her.

It's not a crime to go drinking at a bar, however it's not what I want in my life.

Also I don't want a woman who doesn't respect my boundaries

 

[soulforge]

And you are perfectly entitled to NOT want that, just as some men are ok with their girlfriends having male friends and some not. Or anything else.

You are the one dating her after all, not joe schmo from across the street who may be okay with his gf going to bars or having male oribiters/friends.

And I think it goes without saying that you do not want a woman who does not respect your boundaries.

No man should.

Absolutely, not respecting boundaries is definitely not acceptable

 

[Gamisch]

Bro! This is tough love, try not to take this the wrong way. But I suspect this is that Girl again . Thats the first and biggest problem. I can vividly remember your threads where similar things happened.

You ain't ready for this bro. You should know by now that this is the worst possible position for you to be in. It should be the complete opposite way; she should be worrying about YOU. She should be over analyzing your every move.

You are in the feminine state of mind ,so she'll subconsciously act more and more masculine. Keep acting like this and you'll see what I mean. Maybe you feel like her SMV is higher than yours. Anyway, my geuss is your best bet would be to spin plates , and do so untill you find a attractive one, AND one that has the right qualities and attitude to be in a LTR. Ironically the best advice was giving at the beginning of this thread, when people told you to dumb her.

And about your gf. I cant even say that much about her. All I know is that she'll bring you more and more headaches . I warned you about this before. Women like this should stay plates until they BEG you to be in a LTR. All those silly rules , regulations and restrictions will only push her away. But the problem is , you will also push the next 10 women you'll find away with this attitude and mindset.

You gotta work on your inner frame bro. And I mean SERIOUS work . Look up what codependency means. Ask yourself WHY does she means so much to you, and how its possible a fedking women decides how you feel (whilst feeling like shyte half the time) .You are way to sensitive right now to lead a woman like this. Women want a man, not a wife.

 

[Gamisch]

Its not like I haven't been in this fecked up state of mind way too often myself...I remember whenever I entered this state of mind and the woman has my hamster spinning , it was the beginning of the end.

You should be as manly as possible when dealing with women , just like you want her to be as feminine as possible. When she didn't immediately texted you but came online you could and should already solve this. A simple " what's up still alive " is already plenty of neediness, yet you get it out your system. That's more masculine like energy, to solve shyte asap and get back to business. No need to use up headspace on insignificant things like this.

If you choose the feminine route ( ignoring, wait and see who will text first ect) , you gotta stick with it, hence why people keep saying SPIN PLATES so you can naturally DGAF. Remember, you will ways lose when playing feminine games with a woman.

 

[soulforge]

Bro! This is tough love, try not to take this the wrong way. But I suspect this is that Girl again . Thats the first and biggest problem. I can vividly remember your threads where similar things happened.

You ain't ready for this bro. You should know by now that this is the worst possible position for you to be in. It should be the complete opposite way; she should be worrying about YOU. She should be over analyzing your every move.

You are in the feminine state of mind ,so she'll subconsciously act more and more masculine. Keep acting like this and you'll see what I mean. Maybe you feel like her SMV is higher than yours. Anyway, my geuss is your best bet would be to spin plates , and do so untill you find a attractive one, AND one that has the right qualities and attitude to be in a LTR. Ironically the best advice was giving at the beginning of this thread, when people told you to dumb her.

And about your gf. I cant even say that much about her. All I know is that she'll bring you more and more headaches . I warned you about this before. Women like this should stay plates until they BEG you to be in a LTR. All those silly rules , regulations and restrictions will only push her away. But the problem is , you will also push the next 10 women you'll find away with this attitude and mindset.

You gotta work on your inner frame bro. And I mean SERIOUS work . Look up what codependency means. Ask yourself WHY does she means so much to you, and how its possible a fedking women decides how you feel (whilst feeling like shyte half the time) .You are way to sensitive right now to lead a woman like this. Women want a man, not a wife.

I have to agree with you on this man... Truth is I shouldn't be worrying about chit, and it should be her spinning her hamster trying to figure out WTF I am doing.

I think the mistake I made here is, giving her an LTR... Things where better when she was casual only.

Also restrictions.. I ain't kidding here man.. The not going to bars and clubs etc was not solely my idea but it was hers too. We kinda both agreed on this... However I don't believe she has the strength and character to stay true to her word.

Now all that being said... I usually don't give that much of a crap on what she is doing or where she is going etc... It's only on this occasion that I noticed her behaviour was suspicious that I raised this matter up.

Also this... For some reason she really wants me to meet her family and sisters etc etc.. I decided to cancel that tonight, told her made some other plans.

The problem with chicks like this is, they are very unpredictable and will pull some Chvt off out of the blue..

As for restrictions? I don't have any unusual restrictions on her.

We both decided that drinking, heavy drinking and clubs was not ideal for an LTR.

The only other restrictions I made was this..

01. No male friends
02. And no travelling on your own

But you are right on some other factors.. I shouldn't be concerned about what she is upto, it should be the other way around.

I'm definitely going to pull back on this, reframe and stop caring.. not only that I think I best prepare to drop her.

I seriously mean this.. I'm not too bothered about things ending with her... I'm not in love with her... Also I always known back of my mind that this girls is hot and fun etc, but had very little potential of being a good long term girlfriend.

 

[soulforge]

Its not like I haven't been in this fecked up state of mind way too often myself...I remember whenever I entered this state of mind and the woman has my hamster spinning , it was the beginning of the end.

You should be as manly as possible when dealing with women , just like you want her to be as feminine as possible. When she didn't immediately texted you but came online you could and should already solve this. A simple " what's up still alive " is already plenty of neediness, yet you get it out your system. That's more masculine like energy, to solve shyte asap and get back to business. No need to use up headspace on insignificant things like this.

If you choose the feminine route ( ignoring, wait and see who will text first ect) , you gotta stick with it, hence why people keep saying SPIN PLATES so you can naturally DGAF. Remember, you will ways lose when playing feminine games with a woman.

Yes I hear you. But when she went off the radar, I didn't chase or act needy. I simply left things as they are, and got on with my day.

It was her who lost frame, began double triple texting then decided to call me... I spoke to her calmly and just told her that be an idea to let me know you got home ok in the future. I thought that was handled ok by me? Lol

 

[The Duke]

Yes I hear you. But when she went off the radar, I didn't chase or act needy. I simply left things as they are, and got on with my day.

It was her who lost frame, began double triple texting then decided to call me... I spoke to her calmly and just told her that be an idea to let me know you got home ok in the future. I thought that was handled ok by me? Lol

@soulforge I'm glad @Gamisch posted what he did. This girl has you on shakey ground and you're in a tailspin. You're coming across as a little needy/insecure.(please don't take that wrong, it's constructive criticism). Call it caring too much if you want. You're going to drive her crazy and yourself. A woman should always care more about the relationship than the man. It's the only way they work. Let them be the one worrying about what you're up to.

 

[Gamisch]

I have to agree with you on this man... Truth is I shouldn't be worrying about chit, and it should be her spinning her hamster trying to figure out WTF I am doing.

I think the mistake I made here is, giving her an LTR... Things where better when she was casual only.

Also restrictions.. I ain't kidding here man.. The not going to bars and clubs etc was not solely my idea but it was hers too. We kinda both agreed on this... However I don't believe she has the strength and character to stay true to her word.

Now all that being said... I usually don't give that much of a crap on what she is doing or where she is going etc... It's only on this occasion that I noticed her behaviour was suspicious that I raised this matter up.

Also this... For some reason she really wants me to meet her family and sisters etc etc.. I decided to cancel that tonight, told her made some other plans.

The problem with chicks like this is, they are very unpredictable and will pull some Chvt off out of the blue..

As for restrictions? I don't have any unusual restrictions on her.

We both decided that drinking, heavy drinking and clubs was not ideal for an LTR.

The only other restrictions I made was this..

01. No male friends
02. And no travelling on your own

But you are right on some other factors.. I shouldn't be concerned about what she is upto, it should be the other way around.

I'm definitely going to pull back on this, reframe and stop caring.. not only that I think I best prepare to drop her.

I seriously mean this.. I'm not too bothered about things ending with her... I'm not in love with her... Also I always known back of my mind that this girls is hot and fun etc, but had very little potential of being a good long term girlfriend.

Yes I hear you. But when she went off the radar, I didn't chase or act needy. I simply left things as they are, and got on with my day.

It was her who lost frame, began double triple texting then decided to call me... I spoke to her calmly and just told her that be an idea to let me know you got home ok in the future. I thought that was handled ok by me? Lol

I appreciate your humbleness. I indeed just say it to help you see it from a distant pov.

Look, we are all here to learn and give and get feedback. I'm surprised I find myself learning from this thread as well, because I see what codependency looks like ( combined with personal experience how this plays out most of the time).

You can keep this girl (for learning purposes I geuss) , BUT you should definitely make work of other women even if it starts with (heavy) flirting. The duration of this relationship is way too short to be stressing about this type of shyte. She must prove herself for a longer time . You might even feign to be all in , in the back of your mind you always take it with a grain of salt. Mind you, keeping this girl while being in this frame might be a HUGE risk for your peace of mind!

A woman's behaviour can almost never be copied one on one by a man. She can always triple text , but you can never double text. She can cry but you can't. Shyte like that. The problem isn't whether her behavior is arguably sketchy or not, the problem is how you deal with it when she makes you feel whatever type of way. It's all about YOU.

 

[Gamisch]

Yes I hear you. But when she went off the radar, I didn't chase or act needy. I simply left things as they are, and got on with my day.


@soulforge This is such an important piont I wanna make a second post about it. You say you didn't act needy, but is this actually the truth? You can " go on with your day" ,while secretly waiting for her to text you first. Really not giving a feck means you her behaviour cant bother you.

She made you feel some type away three times. In a relationship you have the right to express yourself. Nothing wrong with asking your gf if she had a good night. Also nothing wrong about calling her out for bs behaviour. Some things should simply define you, regardless who or what it's about.

You mentioned she said you didn't responded neither, although you disagree with that claim. She might've said this because she also sees you're online, but you don't talk. Again, this only happens because you decide to play the game. If you are straight up with her you would've told her earlier how you felt.

Remember, they are NEVER Times 1000 yours.. just enjoy the ride for as long as it lasts.

 

[soulforge]

Yes I hear you. But when she went off the radar, I didn't chase or act needy. I simply left things as they are, and got on with my day.


@soulforge This is such an important piont I wanna make a second post about it. You say you didn't act needy, but is this actually the truth? You can " go on with your day" ,while secretly waiting for her to text you first. Really not giving a feck means you her behaviour cant bother you.

She made you feel some type away three times. In a relationship you have the right to express yourself. Nothing wrong with asking your gf if she had a good night. Also nothing wrong about calling her out for bs behaviour. Some things should simply define you, regardless who or what it's about.

You mentioned she said you didn't responded neither, although you disagree with that claim. She might've said this because she also sees you're online, but you don't talk. Again, this only happens because you decide to play the game. If you are straight up with her you would've told her earlier how you felt.

Remember, they are NEVER Times 1000 yours.. just enjoy the ride for as long as it lasts.

I think in the casual/plate/ sense, yes Ideally you should be getting on with your day (for real without thinking about it)

However in an LTR, with some level of feelings involved for a girl, she goes out for the night and simply vanishes, and out of character too.. Hell of course you are going to think about it.

You might not chase or act needy, but without a doubt the situation will play your mind.. We are not robots at the end of the day.

The key is to try control that feeling and avoid reacting in a needy way.

And actually you make a fair point.. I do have a hunch that maybe she was simply testing and waiting for me to contact her first, when I didn't, she simply didn't either.

Unfortunately for her I didn't come running after her, in the end she folded.. Hopefully she won't try that again lol.

And yeh it's for real... It's just our turn, I know this isn't going to last for sure... I would go as far as to say ESPECIALLY this one will not last. I know when I am dealing with an unpredictable character.

 

[Jake_Gyllenhaal69]

delete

 

[Jake_Gyllenhaal69]

BRO! I didn’t know this girl was 24 and you were 48. That’s a HUGE detail to leave out. No wonder this is a mess. Everything I said is irrelevant now.

 

[soulforge]

BRO! I didn’t know this girl was 24 and you were 48. That’s a HUGE detail to leave out. No wonder this is a mess. Everything I said is irrelevant now.

Haha I thought you knew

 

[The Diver]

Is this the same Russian girl who lied to you twice before without a blinking? Who came to your house with her uncle? Who you said a million of times that she is history and for the street, just to take her back the day after???

 

[Jake_Gyllenhaal69]

Is this the same Russian girl who lied to you twice before without a blinking? Who came to your house with her uncle? Who you said a million of times that she is history and for the street, just to take her back the day after???

age gap explains why haha

 

[Jake_Gyllenhaal69]

^^^^
I consider any chick from 24-28 in the danger zone territory because these women tend to have the highest egos and face more life crises/instability.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

^^^^
I consider any chick from 24-28 in the danger zone territory because these women tend to have the highest egos and face more life crises/instability.

Just wait until you get to dig into the 30-35 minefield....

 

[The Duke]

The not going to bars and clubs etc was not solely my idea but it was hers too.

The only other restrictions I made was this..

01. No male friends
02. And no travelling on your own

Also I always known back of my mind that this girls is hot and fun etc, but had very little potential of being a good long term girlfriend.

You won't have to set restrictions like this when you select the right woman. The best girls hold themselves to a higher standard. They also require the best men.

I think you have arrived at the right conclusion.

 

[Gamisch]

I think in the casual/plate/ sense, yes Ideally you should be getting on with your day (for real without thinking about it)

However in an LTR, with some level of feelings involved for a girl, she goes out for the night and simply vanishes, and out of character too.. Hell of course you are going to think about it.

You might not chase or act needy, but without a doubt the situation will play your mind.. We are not robots at the end of the day.

The key is to try control that feeling and avoid reacting in a needy way.

And actually you make a fair point.. I do have a hunch that maybe she was simply testing and waiting for me to contact her first, when I didn't, she simply didn't either.

Unfortunately for her I didn't come running after her, in the end she folded.. Hopefully she won't try that again lol.

And yeh it's for real... It's just our turn, I know this isn't going to last for sure... I would go as far as to say ESPECIALLY this one will not last. I know when I am dealing with an unpredictable character.

A lotta men forget " how to LTR "properly. When you are in a LTR with a woman you'll have to take up multiple roles.

On the contrary, being a feckboy is easy, because the woman will basically fantasize all the unknown things and missing blanks about you. You can be a somewhat handsome and muscular, if you dont talk too much stupid shyte you can easily get the ONS/ first lay . It's only after the ONS/ 1st lay ,after she gets to know you and your weaknesses ,when her respect for you will fade away ( " he wasnt AS perfect as I thaught ".) When this happens the feckboy just hops to the next woman and wait till she loses interest and so forth.

In a LTR you are her, lover, husband, feckboy, friend, brother, father, adviser, philosopher, entertainer, judge ect.( Especially the friend part is tricky). But what I am saying is it's way more dimensional than most men expect it to be.

That's why you being concerned about her whereabouts might be the " father" combined with the " concerned husband". Nothing wrong with that. Your role is to care about her, so it would be completely fine if you'd asked her why she didn't responded earlier.

When it's keeps happingen it's a different story. But you should never live in fear to be the man in her life , even if it means doing something you are uncomfortable with ,like checking up on her every now and then or calling her out on her bs.

Like I told you before, keep her around but be realistic (without being insecure).

-"She is 24 , ok that alone increases the chance she might change her mind and even her whole personality completely "

- "I am 48 so maybe I'll meet a older woman and thus have a better change to have a healthy relationship/LTR. "

-"women always gonna women. "

- "she does want me to get closer and meet her family "

I can write a 100 more if you want me to, but you get what I mean. I would already implement a great tool used to get the ex back ( and thus prevent her for now from breaking up /monkey branching) And that's doing what you did to attract her in the first place. What's it about you that persuaded her? Focus on what works.

 

[Jake_Gyllenhaal69]

Just wait until you get to dig into the 30-35 minefield....

WHat happens to them lol