How does one let go and just have fun socially?

[Stanley]

Over covid depression led to anxiety… and anxiety led to social anxiety brought on by some serious past trauma. I've worked on those things and am no longer depressed or anxious in a general sense, I'm in a much better place.

I missed the bus for college debauchery and immediately post High School had to grow up and grind. No time for fun I thought, I grew bitter and jaded for missing out. Now as I'm getting older I feel very behind socially and am actively trying to break out of my comfort zone. My long time primary friend group are prudish AFC’s and take on a ‘crabs in a barrel’ kinda of dynamic. In recent years while focusing on self improvement I cut them out and focused entirely inward at the cost of my social life. This was the right call at the time and I’ve now changed for the better. My looks have improved, I've put on muscle, my frame has gotten way better, I make money, I am exceptionally skilled in my craft and in general I am more confident. I’m now trying to focus on growing my social life/skills and wonder what tools/practices helped you guys? My self improvement journey is so hyper focused I forget how to have fun, it's literally been years.

I’ve been forcing myself out and started flirting with basically any woman for practice with good results… but I’m still awkward in social situations and night life unlike most guys my age who experience that in their college years or early 20s. I don’t know what to do with my body either. I forced myself out to a rave in the city a month back and cute little blonde hb8 approached me in the pit. I was just bumping my head like a dork, she grabs me and pulls me to her ear and asks what the **** i'm doing and how i’m supposed to dance and jump around. She grabs my arm and starts leading me around and we get handsy. Ultimately I failed to escalate, but was flattered nonetheless, but it made me intensely aware that I am lacking here. I went to my first Halloween party the following week and managed somehow to be the life of the party amongst complete strangers. (got a sexy cat girls number, nothing came of it though) I realized that the more I let go and not give a ****, the more fun I ‘appear’ to others, but I rarely can get out of my own head. Therapy has been good for recognizing this, but I need practice out in the field so to speak.

TLDR-social anxiety
I still have a long way to go and would like to know what headspace puts you in that ‘fun’ zone? What helped you overcome social anxiety? What tips or practices/activities helped you overcome this? I’m often way too serious and it gives off relationship vibes to women that are into me and I don’t like that. These young hot women come to me based on my looks and initial impression/mannerisms, but then get to know me and either fall for me too fast or run for the hills in search of tingles. I’m over it, want to change it.

Things I've considered doing
-Taking up Jiu jitsu
-Taking dance lessons
-Using apps like meetup to attempt to extend my social group and try new things
-Asking out more girls
- Forcing friends out
-Gigging again (covid messed that up too)

Some things i’ve tried
-Doing things solo
-Chatting up random strangers
-maintaining eye contact
-Saying yes to most social opportunities
-Actively question past judgements and why I made them
-recognizing insecurities

 

[Hamurabimbi]

Absolutly do whatever it takes to overcome social anxiety. One of my buddies has severe SA & it completely ruined his life. He is an impovershed incel now. He had promise of a normal life but... sadly. He is a warning to everyone. Take any measure you can to beat this!

 

[Alvafe]

the easy way is,.... not care, you don't care about people and do what you want, be polite, ruthless and brave, and doing so means you won't care about what they want or expect from you, if they like you they stay, if they don't make space for people who does

 

[skipfontaine22]

I struggle with it too.

In a social environment : it either owns you or you own it.

You have to not get in your head.

Start talking to EVERYONE, right away.

Keep momentum going. Momentum is everything.

Learn to be self amused. Learn to not use a filter. Act like a rockstar get treated like a rockstar.


I've had some amazing nights.. but I hear ya, I still struggle too.

I also sometimes just don't find things fun in the same way that others do.

 

[Stanley]

I struggle with it too.

In a social environment : it either owns you or you own it.

You have to not get in your head.

Start talking to EVERYONE, right away.

Keep momentum going. Momentum is everything.

Learn to be self amused. Learn to not use a filter. Act like a rockstar get treated like a rockstar.


I've had some amazing nights.. but I hear ya, I still struggle too.

I also sometimes just don't find things fun in the same way that others do.

I've used the rockstar mindset when playing gigs or in a music environment and always do well with my mood since i'm in my element, but it more so comes when I feel out of place in a public event. I like the idea of momentum being a driving component. Thanks

 

[Kotaix]

First off, being extremely social and extroverted isn't a magic bullet. I had a coworker who was super outgoing and friendly, everyone absolutely loved him, and no women wanted him. It doesn't help that he's short and ethnic.

I realized that the more I let go and not give a ****, the more fun I ‘appear’ to others, but I rarely can get out of my own head. Therapy has been good for recognizing this, but I need practice out in the field so to speak.

This is your problem, and I used to be paralized by this as well. The best thing I ever did was to learn to surrender the urge to control everything, and just let the chips fall as they may without letting the outcome define me. Some things are not meant to be, and that's usually for the best.

I did this by studying oriental philosophy like Daoism and Buddhism. Some people get it from organized religion. It doesn't matter what vehicle you use to achieve it, as long as you practice surrender instead of control.

If you don't change your perspective, no amount of practice will help you.

 

[Zimbabwe]

When you do activities like Crossfit,rock climbing and BJJ, make sure the group regularly hangs out together after the session. Leave if they do not, nothing worse than going to those activities where people just get in and get out.

Shop around until you find the right group, find the most charismatic/outgoing guy and just emulate him for a while until you develop your own style.

 

[Stanley]

OP this is great advice. Professional can help. A dude.
Educate yourself on what is going on in your thinking. Dont let negetive self attacks ruin your life. Those thoughts are the devil.

Yeah I put myself in therapy during covid and it helped a ton. my therapist is a real one has been around the block. Older Gent in his late 60s whos lived a lot of life and has taken on a mentor figure to me. No shame in seeking help, best thing i've done in years for myself.

 

[Mike32ct]

At the very minimum, put your phone away when you’re out. It’s too easy to use it as a crutch or pastime when you’re out.

I was at a diner yesterday eating lunch at the counter and playing with my phone. A few of the waitresses kept trying to chat with me, but I wasn't too focused on what they were saying.