How do you really get out of negative thinking?

[RestUnknown]

I've noticed that when I have a period of positive thinking that later positive things really do happen. Unfortunately, these periods are really short lasted. I tend to think negative most of the times and yes my life is turning to **** lately with those things happening that I think about.

I am depressed, I realise from myself that I lack social skills, that I have no confidence and that I'm just jealous of people who just seem to have it.

A short explanation to clarify:

I tend to close up with girls I'm truly interested in, it can start of well but because of my low self esteem I tend to f*ck it up one way or another. I currently have a really bad case of oneitis. I see her often at work, we really got something going on during the first lockdown in my country (texting every day, sending nice selfies, but when the lockdown was over and had to see her again in real life, my confidence blew it by not being able to be 'normal' around her and behold, I don't hear anything from her anymore). And another example, when I see or hear her talking to someone else in a normal way, I just feel like I just broke up with her and the jealousny creeps in and I avoid her.

I also seem to attract girls with huge red flags (probably because I'm screwed as well). There's this one girl who's just plain out saying she wants to f*ck me, but I don't care because of the oneitis. She's also only a 6 at best.

This is really not explaining everything I know, I just don't know where to start with telling everything that's going on. My mind is racing constantly with every social interaction (also with guys). I just need to get out of my negative thinking. Self help books don't help, psychologists don't help. I really fear my life is going to end up with my worst negative thoughts but I can't get rid of them.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

I've noticed that when I have a period of positive thinking that later positive things really do happen. Unfortunately, these periods are really short lasted. I tend to think negative most of the times and yes my life is turning to **** lately with those things happening that I think about.

I am depressed, I realise from myself that I lack social skills, that I have no confidence and that I'm just jealous of people who just seem to have it.

A short explanation to clarify:

I tend to close up with girls I'm truly interested in, it can start of well but because of my low self esteem I tend to f*ck it up one way or another. I currently have a really bad case of oneitis. I see her often at work, we really got something going on during the first lockdown in my country (texting every day, sending nice selfies, but when the lockdown was over and had to see her again in real life, my confidence blew it by not being able to be 'normal' around her and behold, I don't hear anything from her anymore). And another example, when I see or hear her talking to someone else in a normal way, I just feel like I just broke up with her and the jealousny creeps in and I avoid her.

I also seem to attract girls with huge red flags (probably because I'm screwed as well). There's this one girl who's just plain out saying she wants to f*ck me, but I don't care because of the oneitis. She's also only a 6 at best.

This is really not explaining everything I know, I just don't know where to start with telling everything that's going on. My mind is racing constantly with every social interaction (also with guys). I just need to get out of my negative thinking. Self help books don't help, psychologists don't help. I really fear my life is going to end up with my worst negative thoughts but I can't get rid of them.

Hey brother,

First things first, glad you reached out to the community. It tells us you are open to being helped and that you realize you have a problem. Most people with anxiety, depression, negative thinking, etc simply accept that reality and become complacent or even worse are oblivious. So give yourself credit for that. Even if it's small, give yourself credit.

Secondly, it is as complex as it is simple. It comes down to your thought-life. Even though you are open and aware, you continue to tell yourself those positive moments are short-lived. Or that books, therapy, etc do not help. Remember this, whatever you tell yourself becomes your reality. See the following flow:

Thoughts -> Perception -> Reality

Yes, we get it. You have tried those things and it didn't work. But it wasn't the books or the therapy as much as it was you and that is hard to accept to most people. You need to take ownership of your life, your thoughts, and how things turn out. Self-development and healing take time. Most likely, you not only went head-on with a mindset that "this probably won't work for me" but thought you were gonna snap out of it next day or next week or heck next month. Again, this takes time and it is a never-ending practice/journey. There is no destination.

Here is a quick and very effective way to get you started in the right direction. But please remember, it won't feel natural, it will take time, you will force yourself until it becomes a habit (usually 90 days), and that consistency and ownership are critical.

The very first thing you should do when you wake up in the morning:

1. Laying down in your bed and eyes still closed, think about things (can be very simple things, like a cup of coffee, a conversation you had, to something bigger like something you experienced, someone in your life, your career, etc, etc *there are always things in our lives to be grateful for, like breathing and being alive*) and tell yourself you are grateful for those things. But really visualize those things and feel them and genuinely feel blessed or grateful for them. Do this for 5-10 mins and increase the time over time.
2. Still laying down, visualize things you want in your life. The key here is to actually place emotions on those things. Meaning create and associate those emotions with what you are visualizing. DO this for another 5 - 10 mins and increase over time.
3. Lastly, finish with a quick physical exercise such as push-ups, planks, burpees, etc.

Over time, it will be part of your morning routine and you can move to a sitting down position for the first two parts.

What you are doing here is called Neuroplasticity, aka healing your brain. Forget drugs, or being diagnosed with chemical unbalanced, etc. You are effectively creating new neuron connections in your brain. And those that connections that are "bad" or "negative" will eventually get weak and break. This is all science-based FYI. Not some "The Secret" aka "Law Of Attraction" thing.

Once you establish that routine, you should practice this during the day and before going to bed as well. During the day, you will not only think/visualize but also start writing down those thoughts. Writing is a very effective tool in solidifying those new connections in your brain.

PS: Forget about girls, that is the least of your concerns right now. Focus on your own thought life and self-development. Because the reason you are attracting low-quality girls is because of your thinking. You attract what you are. Remember that. So not until you focus on yourself and make that deep connection with yourself, you will continue to attract those girls which will not add positively to your life and will keep you in a toxic cycle.

Last but not least, feel free to reach out to us whenever. And feel free to check our Self-Development and Health articles on our website.

Let us know if you have any questions.

Modern Man Advice

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

Look into therapy. Vet for a Dr like Doc Shawn T Smith, JBP, and D. Glover like. Someone who is not anti man. I think it's 99% trash but I found value in those resources.

Me personally, I never did but I enjoy the reading material or JBP YouTube. I don't necessarily agree with him on everything or anybody for that matter. But I digress.

I explore consciousNess. I trip on psychedelics. I lift. I meditate. I pray. I hike. I go into nature. I exercise. I run. I workout outdoors. I read. I am constantly upgrading my software. it helps orient me on my purpose. negative thinking has its value. it had beneficial aspects in keeping the species alive and well. it's futile running on autopilot. pseudo science self help and gynocentricism has men thinking negative thoughts are bad. they are tools to spark and motivate change. it could be to get a new job or start a biz. it could be spotting red flags in a girl or something. direct it. channel it.

 

[coyote_astro]

Start meditating and working out if you have not done so already

 

[Suave88]

I've noticed that when I have a period of positive thinking that later positive things really do happen. Unfortunately, these periods are really short lasted. I tend to think negative most of the times and yes my life is turning to **** lately with those things happening that I think about.

I am depressed, I realise from myself that I lack social skills, that I have no confidence and that I'm just jealous of people who just seem to have it.

A short explanation to clarify:

I tend to close up with girls I'm truly interested in, it can start of well but because of my low self esteem I tend to f*ck it up one way or another. I currently have a really bad case of oneitis. I see her often at work, we really got something going on during the first lockdown in my country (texting every day, sending nice selfies, but when the lockdown was over and had to see her again in real life, my confidence blew it by not being able to be 'normal' around her and behold, I don't hear anything from her anymore). And another example, when I see or hear her talking to someone else in a normal way, I just feel like I just broke up with her and the jealousny creeps in and I avoid her.

I also seem to attract girls with huge red flags (probably because I'm screwed as well). There's this one girl who's just plain out saying she wants to f*ck me, but I don't care because of the oneitis. She's also only a 6 at best.

This is really not explaining everything I know, I just don't know where to start with telling everything that's going on. My mind is racing constantly with every social interaction (also with guys). I just need to get out of my negative thinking. Self help books don't help, psychologists don't help. I really fear my life is going to end up with my worst negative thoughts but I can't get rid of them.

Get the fvck away from the bad influencers, the haters, and invidious......

 

[ubercat]

I meditate and I m not a big woo woo guy. Agree with Dee you can use pain as fuel for change. Not sure about visualisation. If you were visualising practical steps towards and attaching emotions to that then I agree. Men r very productive in a good rut. I d add read a good book like atomic habits and build routines. Will take you further than willpower.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Comfort is incendiary to your value on all levels of life.

 

[Serenity]

Yup, meditation can fix this. It's all too close to you right now, too much pressure. It puts you into a sort of fight or flight response and the best part of your brain is shut down.

You need to create psychological distance, make these issues feel distant. I have had the problem you're having, mind racing, everything seizing up. When you're in that state of mind there's no use in any thinking you do about it, you'll just run in circles and amplify the problem. To create distance you must put these thoughts on hold and focus on getting into a better headspace, meditation helps a lot with that, I'd say that's the entire point of meditation. Now once you're feeling good and your problems seems so far away then you can ease into thinking about things again. Monitor your mental state, if it declines then rinse and repeat.

It takes time to get this to work, don't try to rush it, give it all the time it needs to work. Forget how far away the goal is or how long it may take to get there, else it gives a sense of urgency and you won't be able to create that distance. Focus on just going in the right direction.

 

[Georgepithyou]

Honestly take a break, do something you enjoy like a hobby and just relax

 

[Jariel]

This sounds exactly like me in my 20s. I'd always overthink everything. I'd analyse social interactions, try to figure out the best thing to say next and was constantly anticipating rejection. I had a severe inferiority complex. In general I'd get overwhelmed by my negative thoughts and have periods of existential dread.

I read every self help book I could find. I found the odd idea here and there that helped, but what helped most was a regular meditation and mindfulness practice. I learned to observe my negative thoughts without getting engaged in them. Whenever my mind would start fixating on a "problem" or fear I'd tell myself "it doesn't matter".

Once I learned to observe my thoughts objectively, I saw my mind as some kind of internet troll, feeding me clickbait or outrage content, trying to trigger me. Seeing it this way helped me to shrug it off and move on.

That said, I think it's important to work on yourself too. Put yourself in social situations, confront your fears, pursue goals and constantly push yourself, because that's the ground work for your inner confidence and will help you deal with tough times. I'd also suggest embracing rejection. It sucks, but it helps you build an immunity, so eventually you care less and less and are more willing to take chances.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

This sounds exactly like me in my 20s. I'd always overthink everything. I'd analyse social interactions, try to figure out the best thing to say next and was constantly anticipating rejection. I had a severe inferiority complex. In general I'd get overwhelmed by my negative thoughts and have periods of existential dread.

I read every self help book I could find. I found the odd idea here and there that helped, but what helped most was a regular meditation and mindfulness practice. I learned to observe my negative thoughts without getting engaged in them. Whenever my mind would start fixating on a "problem" or fear I'd tell myself "it doesn't matter".

Once I learned to observe my thoughts objectively, I saw my mind as some kind of internet troll, feeding me clickbait or outrage content, trying to trigger me. Seeing it this way helped me to shrug it off and move on.

That said, I think it's important to work on yourself too. Put yourself in social situations, confront your fears, pursue goals and constantly push yourself, because that's the ground work for your inner confidence and will help you deal with tough times. I'd also suggest embracing rejection. It sucks, but it helps you build an immunity, so eventually you care less and less and are more willing to take chances.

Good sh1t in being able to intercept your thoughts.

 

[AureliusMaximus]

I've noticed that when I have a period of positive thinking that later positive things really do happen. Unfortunately, these periods are really short lasted. I tend to think negative most of the times and yes my life is turning to **** lately with those things happening that I think about.

I am depressed, I realise from myself that I lack social skills, that I have no confidence and that I'm just jealous of people who just seem to have it.

A short explanation to clarify:

I tend to close up with girls I'm truly interested in, it can start of well but because of my low self esteem I tend to f*ck it up one way or another. I currently have a really bad case of oneitis. I see her often at work, we really got something going on during the first lockdown in my country (texting every day, sending nice selfies, but when the lockdown was over and had to see her again in real life, my confidence blew it by not being able to be 'normal' around her and behold, I don't hear anything from her anymore). And another example, when I see or hear her talking to someone else in a normal way, I just feel like I just broke up with her and the jealousny creeps in and I avoid her.

I also seem to attract girls with huge red flags (probably because I'm screwed as well). There's this one girl who's just plain out saying she wants to f*ck me, but I don't care because of the oneitis. She's also only a 6 at best.

This is really not explaining everything I know, I just don't know where to start with telling everything that's going on. My mind is racing constantly with every social interaction (also with guys). I just need to get out of my negative thinking. Self help books don't help, psychologists don't help. I really fear my life is going to end up with my worst negative thoughts but I can't get rid of them.

Everything is a state of mind.
Just like others mentioned here the irony is that you in the end of the day choose your state of mind e.g. positive vs negative, possibilities vs. no chances and so forth.

It up to you to choose on a daily basis to listen to the devil on the right shoulder or the angel on your left shoulder.

So with that said...

Here I listed below some life strategies that will move you forward and away from negative thinking into a improved life for yourself over time if you put in the work and are willing to 'pay the price'.

• Don't give fu'ck about other peoples opinions of you. Opinions are like ar'seholes - everyone's got one so it doesn't matter. Decide for yourself what matters to you and then do it.
  
  
• Don't chase women, chase yourself instead and work on better yourself in every area. Chose your won excellence. The first one (women) will come later when you got your shi't straight. In the twenties chicks in that age doesn't give fu'ck about you anyway. They want the guys in the 30'tes-40'tes bracket to fu'ck them. (We all been there btw.)
  
  
• In regards to the previous bullet point; Yep, don't chase women at all. Let them chase you which they will when you have become that high value guy because you focus on yourself. This doesn't of course mean that you should not interact with them gurls.
  If the opportunity is there, then it is there for your taking and should take action on it. Opportunities are a weird occurrence; they appear in a flash and just as fast as they come they will disappear again without second notice. Don't live your life in regret over this 'I should have done this/that'.
• Women should never be the goal of your life. They should only be compliment to your life.
  
  
• Read books that matters in your life and makes you grow. Don't waste your time on worthless fiction books.
  
  
• Read the book 'The rational male" by Rollo Tomassi. It will give you a good starting point to relations with women and how they work. Find it at amazon here: https://shorturl.gg/The-Rational-Male
  
  
• Buy educational/motivational material (invest in yourself), from places like for example https://lynda.com to improve the skills in the area where you want to make your dent in the world.
  
  
• Stop gaming or at least minimize to a very little area of your life. Gaming steals you life (Read: your time) and is very addictive and fun. Yes, I can agree on that; but you get nothing done really and achieve nothing of real value that moves you forward. Instead treat your life as a game and reward yourself when you achieve a breaking point/goal.
  
  
• Chose your social circle/friends very carefully because you will become like the 10 closest to you. Kick out all the energy life stealers and negouts that doesn't support you and what you want to do. It can be hard to do, but it must be done because it is important to your future. Only surround yourself with positive people that give of themselves and that makes your life more fulfilling by being supportive and helpful.
  
  
• Don't waste your life by procrastinating it - do it now and don't wait until tomorrow as our time on this earth is limited. Every minute you waste is a commodity you never can get back.
  
  
• Be real man of action. Do what you say and what you promise to do. Make shi't done - everyday - and be a high performance person.
  
  
• Stay away from dead end jobs and make sure that you chose a profession where you can progress both personally and professionally.
  
  
• Buy a gym membership and be serious about it. Don't waste your time while you are there and use your cell phone to use various apps to browse various bull'cr'ap. Where you are there 'do the work and then get the fu'ck out Train several times a week. When you are fit enough do it 6 times a week. Training is also awesome because it both works as an anti depressant and removes depression and lifts your spirit, plus focuses your mind so you can achieve better in your everyday.
  
  
• Don't be jealous of other people. That is beta behavior. Know that your time will come if you work at it and instead be happy and appreciate that people you know got it already. Ask them maybe instead for advise so you can learn from them.
  
  
• Start your own business if possible and in an early age. The younger age the better. Don't wait with this. If you are not the entrepreneurial mind then find a profession that you can thrive in.
  
  
• Don't get married unless you really must. Today's family laws are very hostile against men unfortunately. Same goes with children. You must really think this through and also if the situation comes up talk to family law layer about it so you won't get burned and r'aped in the cornh'ole. I am not saying this as an absolute. If you meet that 'really special' girl (Know there isn't just one e.g. Onitis, but many...) then you should probably go it, but I am saying that are other way of doing that than entering legal contract with government that allows them to steal at least 50 percent of everything you own and have fought for.
  
  
• Better your social skills by joining sports and events etc. where you meet other guys and gals for example. The more you interact with people the more you will improve over time.
  
  
• Realize that you have 100% responsibility for your own life. No-one else gives a f'uck about you and your future and they will certainly not help you with building it the way you want it. Not even your mom or other relatives and certainly not your friends.
  They are too busy worrying about their own life and future to care about you.. So you must act upon that notion that you are accountable for the outcome of your life and the choices you make. Even not making a decision is choice where you leave it to others to make that choice for you. But you are still 100% responsible for that decision. its a simple 'Input + Output = Results' thing, (While it might seem to simple at times of course).

I could prolly come up with more things, but that's all right out of the top of my head right now. I'm sure other guys in the forums can help out adding more valuable things to the list.

Good luck and cheers!!

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

I've learned that negative thoughts are usually worry about the future or regret about the past.

Guess what: both are illusions.

You are likely either worrying about bad outcomes or projecting past outcomes onto the future (same thing, really). None of this matters.

What matters is what's right in front of you: A girl whose interest you're holding at the moment. Focus on her, listen to her, but don't worry about even 1 second more than what you're dealing with right now. That stuff throws me off my game. It's not insurmountable, but it makes for a lot of inner dissonance.

Ask yourself: What's bad about right now? I mean RIGHT now. Are you starving? In jail? Homeless? So what's the big deal. Even if you were, you'd find a way to solve the problem.

Outcome independence?

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

Oh I hear you there. As a thinker, I constantly get into my head too much, hard to clear the thoughts and just be. That's the key though right there. Just relax, listen an be objective.. If you can do that, you've mastered half of this stuff all together.

 

[Steel_Neurons]

I am depressed, I realise from myself that I lack social skills, that I have no confidence and that I'm just jealous of people who just seem to have it.

Self help books don't help, psychologists don't help. I really fear my life is going to end up with my worst negative thoughts but I can't get rid of them.

It's hard to give advice to someone I don't know anything about, but my $0.02 would be something along the lines of:

Fix the basics: good sleep, diet (including any problem foods) and exercise. Then, start working on social skills with people in general using info drawn from decent books/yt vids and go on from there.

If you're not having any success after that and you've been to therapists and done all the self-help books, consider seeing a doctor and taking meds like anti-depressants (or herbal stuff like St John's Wort).

GL with it. Hope you sort it out.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

By starting to talk to yourself positively and positive thinking. It's really that simple. It's a conscious decision you make.

Stop acting like it's out of your control. It is 100% within your control. You aren't a victim. You haven't been screwed over by society or by this person or that person which haa caused this. You did this. Now undo it. Or don't.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Therapy.

 

[deadmasterx]

Honestly, you can't stop the thoughts, but you can educate yourself to not let it hurt you or even change your mood.

If you look closer to the source of these thoughts, you'll find a common one for all of them: your inability to accept what the universe gives you as response. Yes, everything you do will be responded by nature. Remember, it's not always about you, it's beyond your control. You can do everything right and she still not want to be with you, you can study hard and still fail the test. Every failure has something to teach you, a unique experience that you can use in your favour to learn with it.

"You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.", said Emperor Marcus Aurelius.

But I know that these thoughts you're talking about aren't about you not accepting what happened, but afraid of what will come to you. Fears and concerns lies in the past and future, both of them can't be changed and you have no power on neither. The only time you need is now, the present.

So how do you get rid of the bad thoughts? Honestly, I don't know. I bought myself 2 books, one of Seneca, the other one of Marcus Aurelius. Both of them boost my self esteem because I can see these very same stuggles in the thinkers of the past - struggles that they fought against in a daily basis to keep on doing what they had to.

Whenever you're thinking about changing someone's reaction to you or about how scared you are about the future, remember that whatever comes, comes. If you look to the end of the stairway, it can look so long that you won't feel like climbing it. Don't. Just look to your way, step by step, you'll make it.

Let the goals guide your life and live truly to your heart and feelings. Do not let people who do not appreciate you or try to force you on cheating on yourself and your feelings be part of your life. You never lose by being honest and true with your way and intentions.

I'd like to finish by saying that routine is what saves my life. Without it I feel lonely, I feel needy, I feel not enough. Whenever I cheat on myself and my goals (my routine is deeply aligned to it) I feel weak and less than a human being, I know you that something bad will happen. That's the price you pay for not walking your way.