How do you prevent being Third wheeled in social settings?

[Roly]

Got invited by my lawyer childhood friends to go the night out and have some drinks.

Problem is I just can't relate to what they do and always end up being the third wheeler - the quiet dude who doesn't got a clue to what they're talking about and have to listen to boring bull**** topics like law school, Boston, stupidass relationships I could careless about, movies I don't know about etc etc.....I can't contribute to the conversation.

This is one of my sticking points. Whenever I go out to social functions or like a party of somekind, I get third wheelded. Maybe I need to work on my listening skills, but I want to have my presence atleast knowned ya know...it sucks.....for example, how do you deal with douchebags who never shuts up and has to comment on just about everything?? Any Power play that ya guys know?

How can I fix this? and what skills/ drills must I do in order to improve?

Thanks.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Roly,
Your situation is no disgrace when moving in such company,these people are trained to speak,they are all familiar with the topics involved...probably you in your area could equally well bamboozle them!

 

[Warrior74]

You interview and hold court. You ask questions about what they do, you compare them to each other and contrast them. You set topics and tell interesting stories. Not saying you dominate the entire interaction, but you make your presence felt by directing where the conversation goes and by show interest and appreciation for good conversation.

Also creating challenges and contests is a great way to enjoy yourself with the group. Drinking contest, approaching women contest. Saying the craziest stuff. My one friend has a great game where we see who can say the most shocking thing when the music stops. "...and thats when I found out she was a man." Lovely looks from the surrounding tables. They are your friends so you know who is good at what, use it to your advantage. Have fun.

You can't do this if you don't sincerely listen and pay attention. If you don't care enough to listen and iteract, stop hanging out with these people.

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

who doesn't got a clue to what they're talking about.....I can't contribute to the conversation.

Are you listening? Have you tried asking questions? If they're two people talking above your head...and not including you in the conversations...at all. Then get up and walk away. Busy yourself with something else.

Otherwise, you don't have to be the center of the conversation to be able to contribute. Sit back and observe[/I. I've got the gift of blarney stone in me, but I'm very well content with sitting back and listening to other people's stories....throwing in a question here and there....or a simple comment to keep em going. Nothing wrong with that. Or, if I'm at a table, where other people are immersed in their own conversation, then, if it's interesting I'll listen, or if not I'll decide it's a good time to take a walk...and see who else I can meet.

If none of this suits your bill then you may just need to hang out with people with more similar interests. Find places where you'll meet like minded people. If you're really into computers or poetry then the local sports bar isn't really going to be your place. Find groups....Craigslist is a good place to start.

 

[FairShake]

for example, how do you deal with douchebags who never shuts up and has to comment on just about everything?? Any Power play that ya guys know?

Nobody likes THAT dude. You know that right? Just because somebody does a lot of talking it doesn't mean he's doing a lot of connecting, vibing, or entertaining. Rarely does the loquacious douchebag realize that but I hope you do. I found out that I, personally, am far more likable when I am less talkative.

Find the medium. Remember that you are out with a bunch of other people. Conversational subjects need to be applicable to them too sometimes. Do your best to follow along though. Shows interest and you might even learn something. Eventually they will switch to something you do know about. And if they don't? Maybe they aren't the guys you should be hanging out with. Get in where YOU fit in.

 

[Zunder]

Got invited by my lawyer childhood friends to go the night out and have some drinks.

Problem is I just can't relate to what they do and always end up being the third wheeler - the quiet dude who doesn't got a clue to what they're talking about and have to listen to boring bull**** topics like law school, Boston, stupidass relationships I could careless about, movies I don't know about etc etc.....I can't contribute to the conversation.

This is one of my sticking points. Whenever I go out to social functions or like a party of somekind, I get third wheelded. Maybe I need to work on my listening skills, but I want to have my presence atleast knowned ya know...it sucks.....for example, how do you deal with douchebags who never shuts up and has to comment on just about everything?? Any Power play that ya guys know?

How can I fix this? and what skills/ drills must I do in order to improve?

Thanks.

If you do not like their company, if you do not like their convo, then why the fuvk are you hanging out with these schmucks?
Fvck 'em. Like Fleetwood Mac sang - "Go your own way".

 

[Mike32ct]

Since you probably already committed to going, show up and give it a try. You will know if they appreciate your company and include you, OR if they more or less freeze you out and ignore you.

If it's the later, walk away. You can be polite. "Hey, I'm gonna get going now. Good seeing everybody." Leave or go sarge some chicks .

I don't believe that conversations should be a competition where people have to fight to be heard. People are either accepting and including you or freezing you out / ignoring you.

I'm an introvert with zero interest in trying to "out-alpha" long-winded extroverts who won't let someone else get a word in edgewise, or they focus on conversation topics that I have no interest in. Making multiple tries to enter a conversation is try-hard and beta. Sometimes the most alpha thing you can do is walk away and go lone wolf and/or meet new people.

 

[Roly]

"Leave or go sarge some chicks ."

Yep should have done the later.

Im currently in vacation at South Texas and there were a TON of smokin hot Latinas there that night......I could have worked on my Game but stayed for sentimental reasons.

Thanks for the advice guys.

 

[Who Dares Win]

Agree with the guys who suggested you to simply leave the setting and go do something else, dont even bother to give an excuse or an explanation.

You've not even being acknowledge as a person let alone respected, you dont own anything back not even an attempt to pretend you care about them.
Stand up and leave, if asked to bring drinks o do something (which is usually asked as a provocation to those who dont accept the place they are put) simply smile and say "yeah sure just wait me there" with an ironic voice.

Not only this wont damage your "status" but it will very likely send the message you are no furniture.

 

[Jules_Winfield]

Got invited by my lawyer childhood friends to go the night out and have some drinks.

Problem is I just can't relate to what they do and always end up being the third wheeler - the quiet dude who doesn't got a clue to what they're talking about and have to listen to boring bull**** topics like law school, Boston, stupidass relationships I could careless about, movies I don't know about etc etc.....I can't contribute to the conversation.

This is one of my sticking points. Whenever I go out to social functions or like a party of somekind, I get third wheelded. Maybe I need to work on my listening skills, but I want to have my presence atleast knowned ya know...it sucks.....for example, how do you deal with douchebags who never shuts up and has to comment on just about everything?? Any Power play that ya guys know?

How can I fix this? and what skills/ drills must I do in order to improve?

Thanks.

For the first time in my life, I'm being described as a good conversationalist, which really is surprising to me. I've tried to pay attention to why it's said, because I want to be able to turn it on whenever I want. Here are the things I've observed about myself:

- Energy level must not be low, of course. I use energy drinks and coffee when needed

- I find everything interesting.

- I don't always have the same duties in a conversation. Some people need you to listen, some want advice, some want give and take, some want to be entertained.

- I'm curious.

- I've learned how to keep my thoughts together while speaking, so the process from thinking to speaking appears seamless.

- Don't challenge the speaker. I do this all the time when I disagree with someone. If the speaker is not confident, you will instantly be disliked.

 

[tryst type]

Just be present in the moment, engage, give feedback, ease drop for cues then lead.

 

[dasein]

Avoid going out with men who talk that much or especially talk about themselves or their work. They won't do you any favors in the wing department either, and will louse up good opportunities right and left. Don't think of yourself as "third wheel" when around people like this but lucky that you aren't like them.

 

[VladPatton]

I don't do those kind of hangouts anymore. Plain and simple, I stay the fück home and play my guitar, which in my mind is about 900 times more satisfying. I've been on those outings and choked down all the stupid, boring convos, the hustle of going there, coming home, looking for parking, and the dissatisfaction was still apparent. It wasn't fun for jack shıt! I did not need to be there, I got nothing out of it.

So before you go to these vapis gathering, just ask yourself a few basic question:

-Do I like these people, are they cool and interesting?
-Is this my kind of thing, or am I pretending to fit in?
-Have I done this before and was I let down?
-Am I wasting my time?

I am not a believer in just going out for the hell of it. Go out with people you like, to things that are fun, to events you enjoy, regardless of what others thing. Don't just conform because your friend is doing it. High school is over.

 

[Don_Dom]

Let them masturbate each other with lawyereze and use them as home base for wandering a bit and talking to chicks. Probably even better than having a wingman.

 

[jhl]

If you have a problem becoming the 3rd wheel with diverse groups (say you interacted with a group of techies one day, lawyers the next, retail sales associates the next etc) in different settings then the problem is you because it means that you have a general issue connecting.

If you have a problem with this SPECIFIC group then I wouldn't worry too much about it. You can't possibly mingle and fit in with everyone. Pick and choose your spots. To give an extreme example, if I interact with partying, coke binging girls my conversation would go south very quickly.

The reasons as to why you have a "connection" issue is a whole different story. You need find someone to be brutally honest with you. Rarely do I find people who can do a self-assessment properly and pinpoint weaknesses (at best that person can't figure it out when he/she is doing everything right and at worst it's everyone's problems not his/hers).

 

[Atom Smasher]

I haven't read the entire thread, but could it be that your friends sense that you have little interest in them.

You could befriend them one-on-one and as you're talking, say stuff like "That's interesting. Would you explain to me [x,y,x]? I'd like to learn more about that."

There is no better way to build rapport and by planting these seeds you will be more accepted and included in the group conversations, guaranteed.