How do my fellow DJs feel about talking about problems?

[backbreaker]

This is probably the one thing that hangs me up more than anything. For 2 reasons

1. I have a lot of **** on my plate all the time

2. Contradictory advice


I got a lot of **** on my plate. sometimes I just need to vent. not all the time. Most **** I can handle and do handle myself. But sometimes you just need to vent.

But what really gets me is that like in real life, especially going to NA/AA meetings for 10 years now virtually "talk to people" "if you don't talk to someone about your problems you got one foot out in the crackhouse already" **** even my wife "I wish you would open up more" and i'm like no you don't lol.


Then when you actually DO talk about your problems or open up "you have to be more positive stop talking about negative stuff" or " thats not attractive behavior" or **** like that

I have my own process, I just keep to myself, or come here if its really serious or if its REALLY serious I pay someone to listen to me vent (shrink), but I rarely if ever talk to my wife about ****, or anyone else in real life for that matter, because in my own experience NO ONE GIVES A ****. even when they say they do give a ****, they really don't and they are really thankful you aren't opening up to them. Thats just been my experience

But if you are in a LTR and your girl knows you like mine knows you they know something is going on and they want you to open up, i'm like you don't want to me to open up you just don't want me to keep a secret lol you don't actually want to hear my actual real problems. Not that she has ever been ****y or anything but just.. i am just scared if i come off like that she will think im going soft. I mean I have my moments, where I am soft..


This more than anything is probably the real reason I still come here, and why I like / hell bent on my anonymity.



So what do you do? how do you feel about this/

 

[Tictac]

I learn a lot here. And I try to give back when I have something to offer.

There are many here that get all wacky if you don't think like they do - name calling, flaming etc. Me, I care less about fake macho bloviatos. But it's frequent enough around here even as the mods do their work.

This should be a place where you can bring things up and get respectful, if humorous, retorts.

As for contradictions, SS is a big tent. There's going to be a lot of variance in points of view. Wheat and chaff are up to each of us to separate.

 

[Warrior74]

Yah. I don't talk to people in the real world about my problems. I learned from my mother that I was being a weak little bvtch when i revealed any emotional distress. My dad never had any good advice. My friends just give the ole cheer up and my woman would lose respect. To be honest it's lead me to be really distant with most people. I only talk to them about what they are interested in or only good things. I'm usually aloof or absent when bothered.

Being a man is being alone.

 

[VikingKing]

I have one person i feel comfortable talking to about anything i want. But i usually dont because i already know what his response will be, and usually his advice is short, to the point, and he is 7 years older than me so he knows more. I think many of us know the answers we are searching for, but we dont like the answers. Ive found its better to keep it tp yourself. If u show a tiny bit of weakness people will use it against u.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear B squared,
You should avoid discussing your personal problems with a Woman you have romantic interest in...They really are on a different Planet,their advice is mostly useless,should you show weakness,then down the line they will react with contempt...What are your mates for?...I do however find the advice of an older mature Woman most useful in understanding another Womans behaviour!

 

[G_Govan]

Most people are uncomfortable with the truth, especially about themselves. Sharing your problems with people will sometimes cause them to become uneasy because you might touch on something they've been trying to escape and self reflection scares the hell out of them.

Sharing your problems with a woman, especially your SO is one of the worst things you can do. I know others have touched on this too.

They CAN and WILL use any weakness you reveal against you. Go with your gut on this.

Being a man is being alone.

I cosign this.

Life didn't use to be like this for us. Times have changed obviously and you need to keep your guard up at all times because some of these men out here are just as bad as women. If they don't like what you have to say they'll break out the torches and pitch forks in preparation for a witch hunt.

 

[backbreaker]

see that's my ultimate problem at the end of the day. I don't have that. My dad could give 2 ****s and my brother and I don't talk and even if we did he's too young to relate to any of the issues I have.

like warrior I end just bottling in a lot of stuff. I mean im a big boy i will be fine. I generally just spzz out on the ps4 or go play the piano or if i am really in one i go swimming laps or go to the batting cage. something.

 

[zekko]

I think it's an inherently male thing to do to just swallow your problems. You don't complain or try to talk it out, you just eat it. That's probably not healthy, but that's the way men are raised. No one wants to hear them cry.

I may discuss certain things with my LTR, but it really depends on what they are. I wouldn't discuss anything that might make me look weak, for example. I also have a few close friends I might talk to. But mostly I just keep my own counsel, and keep things to myself, especially if they are personal matters. If it's a problem where someone might have some expertise in, obviously I would ask advice then.

 

[Alvafe]

its up to you if you find healthy or not, myself even though I ahve my mom ,dad and a bother, first I learned a long time ago I can't trust my mom to any advice, her advices are too out of place and since she is a "willing to please others" she will never enter in conflict, even when you have to, my brother is useless, his only thing is give me and my parents things to pay up, because he can't pay then, my dad even though he had something nice to say, everytime I asked him for any advice, his advice was do nothing, (with was the reason the problem did get bigger I did nothing).

in the end I use what I did learn during my programming classes, talk out loud asking the damn question I want to know and most time when I heard that question is like I can drop all my emotions and think logically about things, that helped more then asking for advice for others.

so nowadays when I have questions I take my travel time on my car alone with a nice metal song in the background, cursing, asking questions to myself, with no one to heard and try to the very least vent a little.

and yes I tend to talk with myself a lot.

 

[Epimanes]

I have found in my case that if I express any sort of weakness to my extended family members they will act nice and pretend to care but then it becomes the gossip of the day/week/month. No body like to hear the good things going on in your life, only the bad things to make them selves feel better. However I can talk to my wife about pretty much anything so that's at least a good thing.

In recent years I have began to distrust almost everyone and don't care to hang with anyone but my wife since it seems she's the safest and most genuine person I know. Due to being burned so much because of my trusting nature I have pretty much lost faith in humanity. Can't wait til I can move out to the bush and get away from society. Everyone I know and come across sucks. I gave up searching for good people because there doesn't seem to be any that I can find and everyone I thought was good growing up all seem to have some sort of an agenda. No one is genuine it seems anymore.

 

[Muffin Man]

Hey backbreaker, I have a lot of respect for your posts, and in a way, I am relieved to hear someone like you goes a bit "soft" sometimes too... Let me echo back some ideas I you guys have posted yourselves that I have read: Your woman doesn't really want to know your problems, she wants an emotional experience/connection from you. She's not getting the emotional thrill/comfort that she wants from you so she is trying to pry SOMEthing out of you.

I have decided I will not get into another serious LTR until I can make good (male) friends I can trust. My previous friends have been inadequate in the trustworthiness department. Family doesn't work for me because of the gossip factor. I think I need at least one solid buddy so I don't ever have to spill my guts to my lady.

These forums seem really good for some purposes, but it sounds like you could use a real solid friend, man. Now, I am not one to talk, but based on the advice I have read you guys giving each other, I'd bet that letting a woman fill that role is not the best path to go down.