Honest Opinion. No BS

[amoka]

Here is my predicament. I have dated this girl for over two years now. Broke up with her several times and each times, she tried getting back with me. Now I broke up with her but we still did our dids. Now however, she indeed found somebody else but the more I thought about the way I treated her, the more I realize my treatment of her was not great. I refused to date her then, but now I want her back.

The problem now is that she will only get back with me if and only if I propose to her to assure her that I will not break up with her again. I have no problem proposing to her but she have feelings for another guy with whom she talks to on regular basis. She assured me that she'll halt all communications with the new guy if I propose to her. And is wiling to forsake her newly job offer as a professor at a university in a different city simply to be with me (if I propose to her).

Now, I know I did wrong by breaking up with her several times, but my question is is it reasonable for her to demand a proposal before getting back with me given my numerous breakup with her? Or does it not make sense for me to not get back with her because she already has "feelings" for another person.

I talked to my sister regarding the matter and she agreed with ex's point of view indicating that the woman is getting old and would like to settle.

I would appreciate the matured man in the forum to fully analyze the whole situation for me. Please note that I planned on handling things myself until my sister, of all people who normally would have agreed with me in this kind of situations but, agreed with her.

 

[Jitterbug]

What were the reasons for the multiple breakups and are they resolved or still present?

 

[amoka]

It was a trust issue. She did not do anything to me per say to not trust her loyalty to me but when I think about her past, it worried me that she'll repeat the same thing that she did in the past. That assessment of her worried me, though she did not do anything to me. I came to realization that I should not worry much about the past and that as long at she is loyal to me, and only me, that's all that matters. I am thinking right?

 

[decades]

would you propose to her if she did not give you an ultimatim? If not it's a mistake. What you are feeling now is the the pain of withdrawal, not "love". It's not a great time to be making long term decisions. Your relationship with her is based on mutual "need" not love. if this is the same woman you have broken up with numerous times because you don't trust her, it is a terrible idea to marry her. Your only problem is you stay in contact with her after you break up. It doesn't give you time to heal and move on. You are what is called a bad ender. You can't ever end a relationship with her. It's probably a pattern in your relationships with women. If you get back with her, you will experience the same feelings as before, which will cause you to break up yet again, because neither of you have addressed your issues.

 

[Bible_Belt]

If she just wants to settle, then she simply wants somebody - not you. Let her marry the other guy, and go find another woman who wants to be with you more than she simply wants to get married.

 

[amoka]

If she just wants to settle, then she simply wants somebody - not you. Let her marry the other guy, and go find another woman who wants to be with you more than she simply wants to get married.

BB: That was my original though too. Until her ex boyfriend contacted her and tried to get her to married her but she refused ( I told her then I did not want to get married and we broke up then. So if she just wanted to get married should she not have agreed with her ex's proposal?).

PE: I initially wanted to get married to her but after she told me of her past, I lost interest in her. Then I told her I don't want to get married and broke up with her.... during the breakup her ex called her and tried to get her to get back with him but she refused. Somehow, we got back together again. Then one day I would think about the number of guys she was with and how she may be fvcking some other dudes in my back but all that without any bases. To sum, yeah, I would have proposed to her initially without the ultimatum and the insecurities.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Iron Rule of Tomassi #6
Never root through the garbage once you drag the can to the curb. You get dirty, your neighbors see you do it and you rarely find what you thought was worth digging for.


It will always be time better spent developing a new plate (or 3) than attempting to repair an old one. The amount of effort and energy, the time you invest in trying to negotiate a previous GF desire is much better used with a new girl, with whom you have no prior history. I have no doubt you're emotionally invested in this, but you're far more likely to regret the effort you expend to repair it in comparison to meeting and developing with a new girl.

Far too many guys subconsciously think that getting back with the Ex will be easier than risking potential rejection with new women. They go back to the what they think was their "sure thing", with the logic being that she'd been sexual with him before so all he's got to do is fix what was wrong and go back to that guaranteed sex. From a behavioral standpoint you are trying to repeat past actions in order to reestablish a prior reward. The reality is actually the opposite - what was "wrong" in the prior relationship becomes the litmus test for the 'repaired' relationship, so sex and genuine desire are now conditional. Getting with a new woman has NONE of these conditions or prior negotiations, and genuine desire isn't a compromise.

If you marry this girl the foundation of your marriage will be based on your fear of rejection, your inability to spin plates and generate new options (lack of confidence), an ultimatum (an obligation to , and acknowledgment of, her controlling the frame), and your negotiating her lack of desire for you, WHICH WILL NEVER BE GENUINE AGAIN. Marrying this woman will be the worst mistake of your life.

 

[Colossus]

If you have reservations about her past then you should not be marrying her. These reservations arent going to magically go away once you're married.

Also, she issued you an ultimatum, and if you accepted this you effectively and permanently hand her the frame.

I know this totally sucks for you, but I think you have a classic case of post-breakup regret. It's so easy to feel nostalgic and forget what drove to that point in the first place.

 

[NewMan]

You broke up with her for a reason.

Stop imagining all the guys she maybe fvcking now - she's not your proprty and never was - maybe you borrowed her for a time......

best move on and spin plates.

When you have no other options you will continue to second guess yourself.

In 5 yrs time you will look back and realize you did the right thing.

 

[sodbuster]

How will you feel when she's not putting out on a regular basis? it may bother you that she put out for "popcorn and a movie",but now that you are supporting her and making 6 figures-she's not interested. IF you get married[under pressure from her], I'd get a prenup.

 

[LeftyLoosey]

Don't negotiate with terrorists. She has you hostage, because you think you need her to survive and you're willing to do ANYTHING to get her back, including giving her your entire life. She knows this and is taking advantage of it.

Once this precedent is set, she will use the same tactic over and over again. Do you want to have sex? You'll have to clean the house/not hang out with your friends/change the diapers/etc...

Listen to Rollo. It's too late to go back to her. She will not respect you ever again.

 

[countermart]

Very simple, if you have one shred of doubt about marrying a girl (and you have more than that) DO NOT DO IT!

Rollo is right, “Marrying this woman will be the worst mistake of your life.”

Countermart

 

[KontrollerX]

Never get with a woman on her terms.

You lose all the power that way.

 

[speed dawg]

This sounds like Kenny Powers.

 

[djzulu]

Great point Rollo Tomoassi! Actually made me reflect on my situation (previous thread).

My friend gave me a good analogy - imagine you just broke a beautiful statue and you decide to glue the pieces together. No matter what you do, the statue will never look the same - the obvious connecting seams will be clearly visible.