High School First Date Frame

[BeExcellent]

Well this is interesting.

My son has a formal dance at his school (all boys school) this coming weekend. He is 15.

He asked a girl from another local school to go. They know each other from previously attending Catholic gradeschool together several years.

In speaking with my ex (Dad) I learned the girl has demanded that my son set up her friend (who has a boyfriend) with one of his buddies so her girlfriend gets to go. I find this rude, inappropriate and presumptuous on his date's part. She has threatened not to go with him and will "return the dress" if my son does not comply with her demand that he set up her friend.

I told my ex to instruct my son to tell her he was going to take someone else. My ex balked at this (ugh.)

What would you advise your son in such a situation?

I believe a good girl would accept the date, be excited to go and not create all this drama. So I suggest my son UNINVITE her. My ex recoils at this idea (Weak but never mind.)

Christ it starts right out of the box.

Really?

 

[Ca$ino]

Well this is interesting.

My son has a formal dance at his school (all boys school) this coming weekend. He is 15.

He asked a girl from another local school to go. They know each other from previously attending Catholic gradeschool together several years.

In speaking with my ex (Dad) I learned the girl has demanded that my son set up her friend (who has a boyfriend) with one of his buddies so her girlfriend gets to go. I find this rude, inappropriate and presumptuous on his date's part. She has threatened not to go with him and will "return the dress" if my son does not comply with her demand that he set up her friend.

I told my ex to instruct my son to tell her he was going to take someone else. My ex balked at this (ugh.)

What would you advise your son in such a situation?

I believe a good girl would accept the date, be excited to go and not create all this drama. So I suggest my son UNINVITE her. My ex recoils at this idea (Weak but never mind.)

Christ it starts right out of the box.

Really?

Since her friend seems more keen to go than your sons date does tell him to tell her he will take her friend instead and she can go date her friends boyfriend.

 

[RedScorpion]

Next. Spin plates. No contact.

Just kidding. But I wouldn't take kindly to her posing 'threats' to me over something that could easily (and better) be handled through discussion and simple asking - not demands and threats to encourage coercion. Never mind that her friend already has a boyfriend, and now it's your sons job to get one of his friends to dance with this girl. Basically seems like this girl wants one of her buddies along to have backup, perhaps.

I think you have the right idea. It's not a fun situation to be in. Either you go along with it, to not ruin the friendship or whatever, and try to have a good time. Or you stand up for yourself, essentially stating "I don't want to be treated this way". The problem with going along with it is condoning the behaviour, and teaches that it's an acceptable route to get what you want. So it's not a temporary thing, and probably will encourage more of the same ("It worked when I threatened him before, I should do it again to get this thing").

I usually go with the latter. There are the downsides of course (potentially losing that person out of your life) - but the alternative is usually bending yourself in ways that should not have to be done in the first place.

There's a few ways of playing it I think... calling her bluff is where I'm leaning. Something of a soft one. "Alright, well if you want to return the dress, I won't stop you. I'll bring someone else to the dance."

 

[Glassguy]

He needs to spin more plates bahaha.

Teach him young to not put up with these silly ultimatums. He asked this girl to the dance, not the friend. It's like she is using him for her friends benefit.

Many moons ago, for my senior prom, a few of us had girls who were all demanding this and that. Limos, etc. Selfish, b!tchy ultimatums. 6 of us decided to go together as a group of guys and basically ditched them 2 weeks before prom. We had a blast. The girls decided to stay home instead of face the embarrassment of going without a date.

I say teach them early to have self respect and high standards. This girl doesn't deserve to go as his date. I guarantee you she will respect him more if he tells her to just forget going as his date.

 

[Urbanyst]

NEVER negotiate with terrorists.

You instructed your son well. Avoid relationships with people who have agendas and don't really like you.

 

[Trump]

What would you advise your son in such a situation?

I believe a good girl would accept the date, be excited to go and not create all this drama.

Come on dear, after 1400 posts and 1300 likes on SS, you actually believed this? Its not a surprise to us at all at all.

So I suggest my son UNINVITE her.

No don't do that. Then he is the bad guy.

I would tell him to say: "No, I can't do that. What time do I pick you up?"

Let her break the date because he didn't satisfy her "condition."

 

[sosousage]

damn your son is near my age

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

Oh c'mon... a double date is sweet... sweet sixteen and all that. Let them enjoy their innocence. They will lose it soon enough.

 

[Julian]

All boys school? What in the actual fuk kind of idiot parenting is that. No wonder he doesnt know how to deal with these stupid little hoes. His dads a beta male, you are clueless, and your son ia gonna end up naming himself martha and donning fingernail polish by the time he gets to college

 

[playa99]

Definitely retract the invitation, even going to the dance with her would be weak behavior, given her demands.

I ain't into appeasement!

 

[Desdinova]

My son has a formal dance at his school (all boys school) this coming weekend. He is 15.

In speaking with my ex (Dad) I learned the girl has demanded that my son set up her friend (who has a boyfriend) with one of his buddies so her girlfriend gets to go.

She's not interested in going with him, or even at all. She's trying to get her best friend to come so she has company and avoids the undesirable idea of your son trying to get into her pants.

What would you advise your son in such a situation?

I'd tell him not to bother going. The bytch can return the dress or stick it up her ass. Give him tickets to go somewhere else on that night and he can take one of his buddies.

 

[Glassguy]

Just invite another chick......monkey branch.....when he gets another one lined up, then tell her that she is uninvited.

And send her a pic during the dance of him and his new girl. Now that's a DJ.

 

[dude99]

Well this is interesting.

My son has a formal dance at his school (all boys school) this coming weekend. He is 15.

He asked a girl from another local school to go. They know each other from previously attending Catholic gradeschool together several years.

In speaking with my ex (Dad) I learned the girl has demanded that my son set up her friend (who has a boyfriend) with one of his buddies so her girlfriend gets to go. I find this rude, inappropriate and presumptuous on his date's part. She has threatened not to go with him and will "return the dress" if my son does not comply with her demand that he set up her friend.

I told my ex to instruct my son to tell her he was going to take someone else. My ex balked at this (ugh.)

What would you advise your son in such a situation?

I believe a good girl would accept the date, be excited to go and not create all this drama. So I suggest my son UNINVITE her. My ex recoils at this idea (Weak but never mind.)

Christ it starts right out of the box.

Really?

I would tell your son to tell her return the dress and take a more reasonable date.

If she is barking demands and making threats then she is not a flexible giving young lady and your son can do much better.

Tell your son "rule number 1. Never reward bad behaviour."

 

[sazc]

I've been coaching my kids (9,11) on the topic of understanding which people have respectful behavior towards you, and which do not, and to understand that they need to let disrespectful people know they refuse to be treated that way, and identify and keep the friends around that respect them - and to make sure they respect other people.

It's been a hard life lesson for them to swallow because kids want friends and are willing to tolerate bad behavior in order to have friends. Then they allow sh1tty people/relationships into their lives and possibly eventually end up bitter about people/relationships (and posting about it in an internet forum )

My hope is that I set them up mentally for the "later in life" cognitive processing that will help them identify toxic and disrespectful behavior in all relationships, and empower then to understand that other people's behavior is not their fault, and there is nothing they can do about it, and they should extract themselves from the situation.

It's simply better to be alone then put up with sh1tty people. The trick is to empower them young to feel okay about saying "oh hell no"!

That said, I don't think you should demand your son do anything. I think you should have a frank and honest (blunt) talk about the situation from your perspective, the idea of him teaching people how to treat him, and suggest what you think he should do. Then back off and let him make his own choices.

You (always) coach and then let him decide. It's the only way they learn how to navigate. Most likely, eventually, he will heed your advice. That's not a definite but he had to learn to make his own decisions so he can learn from mistakes.

Just keep coaching

 

[sazc]

TBH this board has really helped me understand that this particular conversation is a MUST.

I see you guys post and I do wonder if things would be different for any of you, if your care givers would have empowered you to not tolerate bad behavior/treatment from people. Empowered you to be able to honestly assess situations in order to have the insight to know "is it me? What's my role?" And then, if the conclusion is that the other person is sh1tty, to feel empowered knowing that being alone, having peace, was always the better choice, and to feel good waking away.

And to know how to keep emotional distance when you are unsure of what to do - to approach with caution, and wait for people to qualify themselves.

What if that is what your caregivers coached you on? I know my relationship choices would have been different if that's what my parents had communicated to me.

 

[Roober]

She's not interested in going with him, or even at all. She's trying to get her best friend to come so she has company and avoids the undesirable idea of your son trying to get into her pants.



I'd tell him not to bother going. The bytch can return the dress or stick it up her ass. Give him tickets to go somewhere else on that night and he can take one of his buddies.

/thread

Nailed it right on the head. I would have succumbed to this when I was young, but I didn't talk to my dad much when I was young. your son should not have to deal with ultimatums. Let her take her happy @$$ elsewhere.

 

[dude99]

TBH this board has really helped me understand that this particular conversation is a MUST.

I see you guys post and I do wonder if things would be different for any of you, if your care givers would have empowered you to not tolerate bad behavior/treatment from people. Empowered you to be able to honestly assess situations in order to have the insight to know "is it me? What's my role?" And then, if the conclusion is that the other person is sh1tty, to feel empowered knowing that being alone, having peace, was always the better choice, and to feel good waking away.

And to know how to keep emotional distance when you are unsure of what to do - to approach with caution, and wait for people to qualify themselves.

What if that is what your caregivers coached you on? I know my relationship choices would have been different if that's what my parents had communicated to me.

Great post. I think you are right. Most of our parents or care givers never coached us and we all had to learn how the opposite sex behaved blindly and on the fly.

But the other side of the coin too, would we have listened. Time and time again parents do say this person is bad news and that person is bad news but when we are young we still give the benefit of the doubt.

Trial by fire. It is one thing to be told the flame is hot, it's another to actually feel the heat.

 

[sazc]

Great post. I think you are right. Most of our parents or care givers never coached us and we all had to learn how the opposite sex behaved blindly and on the fly.

But the other side of the coin too, would we have listened. Time and time again parents do say this person is bad news and that person is bad news but when we are young we still give the benefit of the doubt.

Trial by fire. It is one thing to be told the flame is hot, it's another to actually feel the heat.

Would any of us listened? Maybe, maybe not. But there is a better chance of the synthesis that leads to actual integration ( which potentially turns into applied life philosophy) IF the words are spoken and COACHING (not demands or parents deciding FOR the kid) occur.

My hope is that, by vocalizing this, and continuing to gently coach, I will be planting seeds that will eventually grow.

We coach our our kids on how to tie their shoes and use a microwave - how many of us were also coached on recognizing social cues? Coached on how to read a room, or a group, so that your behavior is inline with the tempo? Taught to feel empowered to not suffer people whom are disrespectful? I can't recall ever being coached socially. IMO that's a big mistake that parents make.

 

[sazc]

In short @BeExcellent, this chick does think she can pull frame on your son.

Ask him how he feels about her demands. Do her demands make him feel uneasy? Uncomfortable? Angry? Resentful?

If so, try to teach him to recognize this and, if something makes him feel in a negative, to just say no. To stand up for himself and what he wants.

Teach him to notice what his gut says.

 

[Glassguy]

In short @BeExcellent, this chick does think she can pull frame on your son.

Ask him how he feels about her demands. Do her demands make him feel uneasy? Uncomfortable? Angry? Resentful?

If so, try to teach him to recognize this and, if something makes him feel in a negative, to just say no. To stand up for himself and what he wants.

Teach him to notice what his gut says.

Very true ^^^^^^

He needs to severe ties with this girl now. If she is acting like his before the dance, I promise you she will be no fun during the dance. She will probably just sit there like a bump on a log because her friend isnt there to entertain her.