Hi guys, I need some help sorting my life.

[harkkam08]

Hi guys, I'm 22 years old and I'm going to graduate college in a year. I've had two relationships so far. I've kissed about 4 girls in my life. In all honesty I don't like talking about women in this manner. But I'm just putting it out there so you guys know where I stand in relation to the subject.

My problem I feel is that I am inexperienced with women. I have a set of mental beliefs that keeps me from talking to MEN & women. Some are physiological as well. They are:

1. I am Indian, not American Indian. I know that there are racist people in this world. I also know that there are very open minded people in the world. Its just that talking to a white girl makes me more nervous because I'm not sure if she will reject me because of something I had no control over. Its like every time I want to talk to a white girl a little voice stops me, because I know she could be biased. Even though in reality she doesn't have to be. I've just seen racism in my life so its hard to be objective. "Is this girl not going to like me because I'm a different color?" or "Is this girl going to be rude to me in front of everyone if I approach her because I'm Indian" is what goes through my head and gives me anxiety. The fact is that there will be some girls who will reject me because of my color and there are some who wont. Its just taking that risk that is difficult. I also get anxious when talking to white guys, because I'm not sure if there racist or not and I don't want to find out.

2. I don't want to be rejected. I know that If I start talking and approaching women its going to happen, it has happened to me before.I know that I have a low self-esteem because the thought of being rejected scares me. I've tried to develop an attitude where I don't care but haven't been successful in developing that attitude. I don't know how to re-frame my mind.

3. Anxiety. Every time I step out of my comfort zone, I start to feel nervous and out of control. It makes it harder to relax and enjoy social situations. Lots of times I avoid social situations because I start to feel anxiety and stress. I avoid approaching people because of anxiety as well.

4. Anxiety hampers my ability to think on the spot. I can't be creative or thing of new and entertaining things to say, because most of my mind is worried about how I'm saying something and not what I'm actually saying.

5. Fear of failure. When I see a girl I like I start to think about things like "your not a funny guy, she wont like you" or "your just gonna be awkward" or "shes not going to like you for reason X or Y" I can't get myself to feel positive about myself.

I'm not sure what to do.

 

[Lifeforce]

I feel you on the first one. In my country there are alot of people who hate swedish people and talking to a foreign chick might mean anything from getting accepted by her to getting yelled at or even assaulted by male persons from her family. Had it happen once sofar. Just isn't much one can do about it other than accepting it might be that way sometimes and work on getting the confidence to stand up against it.

Concerning the 2-5th points I felt pretty much the same way as you before I started to approach women. The solution was simple but hard. I approached a boatload of women with the intent of failing. I'd walk up and say anything which came to mind "you knew the emperor of china has a false beard" to "do you like my shoes?" After a while the anxiety and fear of rejection disappeared because I realized that maybe one woman in a hundred was going to be mean to me while I approached. Most would kindly turn me down or ignore me.

I'd try to go to a club one night and approach woman after woman with the intent of getting rejected, worked good for me at least.

 

[The Bat]

Ok, here we go:

1) Dude, last I checked nobody cares whether or not you are Indian. Look at all the black guys approaching white girls. And besides the myth of "long schlong", the major thing black guys have going for them is: CONFIDENCE! That's what women love the most! They don't care about the color of your skin. They only care about your balls and if you can put them to good use (which you do by approaching and talking to them). Same with talking to white guys. Guys don't care about what the other guy looks like.

Your self-limiting perceptions that everybody is a racist is what is holding you back. Just don't approach the guys/girls that are wearing neo-nazi/white power t-shirts, and you got NOTHING to worry about. I'm not sure where you picked up on this crazy belief that every white girl/guy is a racist.

2) For fear of rejection, read this thread: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=133908

And approaching/success with women is a numbers game. The more you approach, the more successful you will be. The sooner you realize this fact and embrace it, the faster you will be on your way to being successful with women.

3) It might sound crazy, but to beat your anxiety, KEEP stepping out of your comfort zone. After you go through with it, regroup later and think about what went down. How did you react? What unexpected things happened? Did you handle them fine? Can you do better next time? What did you learn? The sooner you start doing this, your anxiety will drop because you become more experienced with it and it will become your comfort zone soon.

4) To fix this, just go out and practice. Treat every interaction as an experiment and not the final result. See when you start treating it as an experiment, you allow yourself to fail because your main objective is to learn something out of the interaction.

Right now you're probably focused on the outcome of the interaction and thinking, "Ok, I got to say exactly this otherwise they're not going to like me." Instead, you should be thinking, "Hmm, I wonder how they'd react if I said this..." See the difference?

5) This part is going to take a lot of time to fix. This is inner game that you need to work on with discipline and clear focus. You can't fix this overnight. It's going to be a slow, gradual process. But it's definitely worth it in the end.

Alright, now I want you to do this. Read the threads posted by this guy: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/search.php?searchid=985720

And this guy: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/search.php?searchid=985721

Those two should keep you busy for awhile. And they will help you with your inner game. Read and digest them to the very core.

Curiously, how did you end up in those relationships? And hooking up with those 4 girls? Did you just know them from your social circle or did you approach them?

EDIT: Oh and what's your physique like? Are you a scrawny kid or a fat kid?

Don't be fooled, my friend. Putting 20-30 pounds of muscle can do TONS of good things for you. Unfortunately, most people lack the focus and discipline to go through with something like healthy living.

 

[Pathgen]

There is a lot of help on this site, you just have to take the time to absorb it. Start by reading the bible and getting out there. With time everything will become easier, than natural to you. Good luck and don't give up anyone can change!

 

[SharinganUser]

Find some friends that date white girls. They can help you out and give you some good energy/advice/vibes/ect....

 

[Igetit!]

'What's up,man. Let me be the first to welcome you to the forum. There is a lot of information here that will be a great help to you. Plus,there are many members here who both are currently where you are and have been where you are(myself included),who can relate to you and give you helpful advice.

You had five points to your post,so I'll adress each one individually.

1:You being Indian: True,there are racist people in the world,and yes,some women are racist. But believe me when I say this:If you get yourself together(that is,your DJ skills),and you get a better understanding about attraction for women,your race will have absolutely NO FACTOR in a woman wanting to be with you. BELIEVE THIS:If you generate chemistry in a woman,I don't care what it is about you that you consider a negative,she'll still want to be with you. I've seen men mistreat a woman,cheat on her,beat her,verbally abuse her,cause all kinds of pain and heartache in her life,and no matter what he does,she'll still want to be with him. Trust me,your race is the LAST thing you need to worry about.

2:You don't want to be rejected: Well hey,who does? Look,there's no sense in trying to sugar-coat this. You WILL BE rejected. Period. So go ahead and get that through you head right now. Just remember this though. More than likely,it isn't you they are rejecting,it is YOUR APPROACH. It is the way you approached them that turned them off,not you personally. It can't be you because they don't even know you yet. So yeah,you will be rejected,so join the club.

3:Anxiety: Man,you just described 95% of the members here. Of course there is anxiety in the approach because you don't know what is going to happen.
But you just have to make up your mind and go do it. And if you can't do that,then keep on procrastinating. Eventually,the pain of loneliness,the jealousy of seeing other men dating and happy with their relationships,the embarrassment of feeling like a chump and a failure will outweigh the anxiety you have about approaching,and then you will do it. Let's just hope you don't wake up to find that 15 or 20 years have passed before it happens.

4:Anxiety about what to think and say: Some of the other members will probably disagree with what I'm about to say,but I would suggest possibly using some routines. In my opinion,routines are like training wheels. They are there only to support you,but eventually you take them off. I think that they would be helpful since you are just starting out,but once you get more established,you won't need them anymore.

5:Fear of failure: You can stop fearing it. Yes,at times you will fail. This is a bumpy road man. It's a long journey. There will be good days and bad days,HIs and LOWs,smiles and tears,(yes,I said tears). At times,you'll feel on top of the world,and other times,it will just plain suck. So if you don't have the stomach for this,if you don't have the endurance,the will to perserveer through the rough times,you might as well turn around now. However,if you do have the determination to be the best you can be,then suit up soldier.
You have the whole forum here to support you and cheer you on.

Peace man.