Help !

[jamesw82]

Theres a girl I regularly talk to at work, we've never met, but we get on really well. The other day she asked me if I would like to go for a drink. I took her number and said i'd be in touch. I didn't txt her last weekend, and she rang me at work and asked why she hadn't heard from me, I just told her I'd had a busy weekend and we agreed to meet the Friday just gone..

All week at work she'd been ringing me and emailing me .. in the evening we'd call and txt each other...

She had the day off on Friday and we were still going to meet up at a bar we both knew. Well as it happened I finished all my appointments about two hours early, she'd been a bit funny all day when i'd spoken to her, she was getting the keys for her new place so I put it down to problems with that (I can be a paranoid person!!). I rang her and told her the situation.. she said she needed another two hours, and I was like ok thats fine with me, I was quite tired and wanted to be at my best when i met her, she was in a hurry and said she'd sort something for the next day. She sounded really positive and I took encouragement from that.

I got home on Friday night and by 7pm I really wanted to call her and find out what was up with her that day, we had a chat, and she was so sincere and honest with me saying she'd just had a truly terrible day, she said how about we meet up at 2.30pm tomorrow. I was really happy about it.. we didn't arrange where to meet as she had to go to her other job in a bar.. She said she'd ring me the next day and let me know the final arrangements.. I was happy again..

Saturday comes... I txt her asking where to meet as it was 1pm and wanted to get on my way.. I didn't hear from her so I just went into central London and thought i'd go to a coffee shop, get a paper and chill out whilst waiting for her call. I thought she might have overslept as she finishes her bar work at 4am.. My txt i'd sent earlier hadn't been received by her phone as the report hadn't come back. I decided to call her and her phone was off and going to voicemail..

I stayed in London until 7pm.. I went home thoroughly gutted and shocked she'd treated me like this, resisting the temptation to leave her a voicemail.

At 8pm she obviously switched her phone on as I got a report that my txt message had been sent, so I sent her a txt saying "what happened today?".. Its now 2.30pm on Sunday and i've had no reply... Im gutted.. any help or advice would be appreciated guys

 

[duke007]

Man, what happened really sucks hey?

Rather than tell you just to read the bible and be a man, I'll give you some feedback. But still, you need to change your mentality.

OK the first paragraph seems good, by not calling her she becomes interested and calls you. Still, you set the date for Friday (I'm guessing it was Monday) which is a little too far away for my liking. I'd have made it Wednesday.

But then the sh1t starts to hit the fan. After the date is set DO NOT call or text her, you already have the date, what's the point in contacting her in the meantime. Don't return her emails, but if she keeps sending them, a C+F reply may help.

So I think you lost it there, by communicating to much before the date. I'm betting something you said/wrote turned her off. That's why you should never do this.

The second mistake you made was in allowing her 'another two hours'. By letting her control the situation and walk all over you, you were demonstrating weakness. Don't take crap like that, you're a man remember not some supplicating puppy dog.

It should have been obvious there that this was not going to happen, but you made another mistake of calling her again and letting her moan about her terrible day, while you soaked it up like an emotional tampon. If she promises to meet you the next day and no arrangements are made, this is nothing to be happy about.

You need to be in charge and decisive and decide what happens, don't leave it in her hands.

OK on Saturday, you txted her again. Don't do that. You shouldn't have wasted your day waited for her call either. Or better yet, you should have started talking to more deserving women in the coffee shop you were 'chilling' at.

I know you were angry but sending her that text "what happened today" made you look needy, you needn't have done anything.

What a b1tch though. You can bet she will be all apologetic and 'sincere' when you next see her at work but don't let this fool you. She stood you up, that is wrong. Break off all contact completely.

Don't return any messages or emails and act as if she doesn't exist. This will drive her interest up again. But this time you won't set a date, you'll just leave her regretting her actions. Use this experience as motivation to become better at attracting girls.

And please, read the bible.

 

[jamesw82]

Hey !

Thanks for your reply, and your advice, I have read the bible several times, and read the forum alot, i've been coming here for over a year, but just seem to lose it when putting things into practise...

You really think no communication between Monday and Friday is a good idea?

I know it sounds good, but I don't belive I said anything wrong, she was really flirty all week..

But thanks and I will take your're advice on board and try and use this as a learning experience..

It was going to be my first time dating with someone not my age, she was 25 and im almost 21...

Anyway, Thanks again. J

 

[duke007]

no problem mate.

Even though you may not have said anything wrong, the frequency of communication took away all the mystery. Sounds like she grew bored after too much flirting and in her eyes you became less of a challenge.

Never be so available, even if you are working keep unavoidable contact to a minimum. (there's a good example in a recent post "Am I on the right track?").

This is one of the pitfalls associated with dating a workmate.

 

[Gold Heart]

as a rule of thumb, the most days ahead i plan ahead for a date is 3 days. if it's thursday i plan for friday (the very next day so there's less of an excuse for her to flake.)

she's a flaker. drop her. not worth your time, and you seem like a busy man. you don't need her.

 

[Walden]

Man that sucks , what a beotch.

Your game at the start was f***en money tho'

If she's in her mid 20's or is a princess then she might be a games girl , who recognised you were DJing her and therefore decided to jerk you round to show you who'se boss.

A pity cos maybe if you'd taken yes for an answer eariler (and then she might never have called you ...it goes both ways I guess).


She sounds like a lotta hard work, and I usually run a 2 flake limit. Any girl who sees you come back after being flaked on twice isn't gonna think you're alpha and doesnt' sound like she's a natural playgirl.

In your posiiton I'd wait 2 weeks (during which time she'd be completely invisible) and have another go then.

 

[jamesw82]

Update...

Heres an update for anyone who cares / is interested..

She emails me at work today and apologises profusely. She said she left her phone at her 2nd job (a bar hours are 10pm - 3am) on Friday night, where apparently something happened that was too long a story to explain and could only get it on Saturday evening when she was working again. She also worked last night (Sunday). She was really apologetic and when I emailed her back and said I'd like to know where I stand, she mailed me back saying I was getting heavy ?? WTF ?? I said if she wanted to chat tonight I might be available..

I can't completely DJ this girl, and I'm too sensitive to be a Master Don Juan, I really care about this girl, and want to show her i'm there for her, because shes confided in me and i have in her (I wasn't being an emotional tampon - just not a moron). But there is a fine line between offering to be there for someone and being an emotional carpet...

I'll see if she calls me tonight and pretend shes invisible for a while...

I know all you master don juans etc will probably slate me, but I'm me and although I agree with alot put on this website... alot isn't for me.. Any comments you guys have are always welcome though. Many Thanx, James

 

[chlywly]

Re: Update...

Originally posted by jamesw82
Heres an update for anyone who cares / is interested..

She emails me at work today and apologises profusely. She said she left her phone at her 2nd job (a bar hours are 10pm - 3am) on Friday night, where apparently something happened that was too long a story to explain and could only get it on Saturday evening when she was working again. She also worked last night (Sunday). She was really apologetic and when I emailed her back and said I'd like to know where I stand, she mailed me back saying I was getting heavy ?? WTF ?? I said if she wanted to chat tonight I might be available..

I can't completely DJ this girl, and I'm too sensitive to be a Master Don Juan, I really care about this girl, and want to show her i'm there for her, because shes confided in me and i have in her (I wasn't being an emotional tampon - just not a moron). But there is a fine line between offering to be there for someone and being an emotional carpet...

I'll see if she calls me tonight and pretend shes invisible for a while...

I know all you master don juans etc will probably slate me, but I'm me and although I agree with alot put on this website... alot isn't for me.. Any comments you guys have are always welcome though. Many Thanx, James

shes just makin up bs, dont buy it... distance yourself.

 

[jamesw82]

*bump*

Anymore opinions gratefully recieved

 

[TesuqueRed]

If I understand right, you haven't met this girl yet, but you really care for her because she's confided in you and you in her--yes???

To a certain extent, you're in fantasy land here (leaving aside emotional tampon issues...)

None of it is real until you meet her--and meet her repeatedly over a period of time, I might add.

She's right, though, you're getting heavy about this, especially since you haven't even met up for coffee. She's getting a little freaked, which is probably why you got stood up, if I had to guess.

The real mistake is asking where you stand on all this--without even a coffee date, this is a heavy position to assume. You stand nowhere because there is nothing here aside from the fantasy land phone relationship going on...she's just bringing it back down to earth.

Keep this in mind--the first few dates should be light and fun. And consider her no more than an acquaintance this early, because, frankly, that is all she is to you at this stage. Fit her in your schedule like you have 3 or 4 other options that day. If she flakes on contacting you at noon (forget all that excuse making she did later or that excuse making you did for her before that) for a 2:30 date, then you go onto something else. If she flakes on the 2:30 date, you leave at 2:45 or 3:00 and go do something else. By all means, don't let her know you hung around till 7:00 hoping to salvage the date!

 

[Walden]

Dude , beiong a master DJ isn't about sensitivity , it's about moneyness.

This girl currently likes the attention you give her and is deciding wether youre a chump ( a guy she has wrapped around her finger) or an alpha male (a money guy with an interesting life she wants to be involved in).

You have to decide which of these guys to convince her you are.

Therefore you have to either close this deal fast (so she'll assume you're money) or cut her off for a while (so she'll know you don't get jerked around by beotches).

If you juts **** around in the middle ground she'll assume youre her chump and play you for that.

You know you've got some money sh*t in you so play it man!

 

[jamesw82]

Hey !

Thanks for the reply, just to let you know.. Last night I sent her a txt msg (hear me out ..!) I realise I'd made a chump out of myself with an email at work..

The txt read.. "Hey, Sorry about that mail at work, things have been a bit hectic recently, hope you're ok, just got back from the cinema,. J" Now I knew she'd probably be asleep, I didn't got to the cinema, but I thought I'd show her that despite the weekend I wasn't moping at home (or reading the dj bible ). I get into work and within the hour I get an email, where she's asking what I saw and who I was with.. I ignored it. I then had to send her a work related mail, no mention of the previous nights activities.. She mails me back immediately asking the same again.. My reply was quite concise and I didnt give away too much.

Anyway, I'm happy playing her for a week.. would you advise this ? I know earlier someone had said give it two weeks and wait for her to contact you.. I'm planning on doing this, but the temptation to call is massive..

Do I need to work it so she asks me out for a drink ? Or can I be bold an ask her.. baring in mind the weekends events.. A plan for the week would be helpful !

Ideas on a postcard !

 

[Walden]

Dude this one sounds hard to read.

I'da ditched this grrl already for being too much like hard work.

In your position I'd go for the close on this one. There's girls who like play and attaention but don;t like you and will just jerk you round. However it is also possible that this girl really is gagging for it , in which case you should stuff and mount that tiger!

To whit;

I'd give it a day or two.
On principle.
(If she can't wait a day then she won't be there in 30 seconds from now).

The ask her for a drink , and bust some kino on that ass. Then walk her to something (her car , the next bar , the waterfront , whatever) take her hand , pause , stop walking and kiss her.

If she likes you she'll "let" you. If not she'll tell you. If she is a hard work girl (ie one it will take you months to get anywhere with) she'll tell you she wants to "take it slow". (usually the phrase is "I think we should take it slow...Walden, Walden?...where'd he go?").

Also , if I can put on my Doctor Phil toupee , my grandmother always used to say
"If you want to bag one skank , you gotta be playing three other beotches at the same time".

And it's still true today.

 

[NewMan]

Just read this email chain.....

Yes, I think you've got a little to much into this chick to early. Jeez you haven't even seen here naked yet.

I can't tell whether she's genuinely interested in you, or she's playing with you, putting you on the back burner as a just in case. Women do this all the time - and if something better comes up, you could find yourself demoted - the trouble is, AFC's will except whatever excuse the girl will come up with because they're just that, weak AFC's.

So, she emailed you asking you what movie you saw.

Does that show real interest in you? I'd say no. It doesn't tell me that she's interested in going out with you - she could still be playing you.

Your mistake:

Hey, Sorry about that mail at work, things have been a bit hectic recently, hope you're ok, just got back from the cinema,. J

In my book that's an AFC move. You F'd up by asking her where you stand, then up went back oppologizing and making an excuse for yourself.

If your going to Fvck up, at least have some back bone about it, and be a man. Don't be weak and then back down. Your doing this all the time to this girl - and I'll repeat - you still have not fvcked her.

What do you think she's thinking right now? that IF she goes out with you, she be able to wrap you around her little finger - cause you've been acting AFC.

My thoughts, is that she's playing the field. She works behind the bar - so she probably get guys hitting on her all the time. If you going to snag this chick - you've got to be on top of your game.

Do you still have a chance - could be. But you've got to DJ this chick hard right now.

So, no more text messages. You've asked her out already - she flaked - you DON'T ask her out again. IF she's interested she'll let you know. If not - more on and don't contact her.

If you email/Text/call her, your going to tell her something about yourself. e.g. Went to the movies last night. The play her is to not let her know what your doing - but that she knows your having a GREAT time.

Don't ask her out.