Help wanted: heres the deal.

[Junior Sanz]

So ive been dating this girl for just about 8 months (longest relationship with a woman in my life to this date)

when we first met she came right out on the first date to tell me that she was in the process of getting divorced.

after about 2 months of dating, she opened up to me and really gave me it all about her past.

why she divorced, past relationships, etc. she told me all of this because she told me she wanted to be completely open and honest with me so i would understand "WHY" she is who she is today. also, that she had learned from this life lesson.

i respected all of this information but some of the information was tough for me to chew on. it sort of made me uneasy some of it.

the only thing that has kept me with this girl is that NEVER ONCE in the past 8 months has she ever communicated or displayed any of her past actions (i didnt agree with) she explained previously to me.

if anything she has been TO HONEST with me which may have hindered my full trust in her.

she started off very cold with no affection at all but now she is very affectionate towards me, does a lot for me, supportive, ect.

BUT sometimes shows that she doesnt trust me. like when i want to go out with my friends ect.

she tells me that her past boyfriends who cheated on her make her feel this way. so i reassure her that nothing will happen because i from the bottom of my heart, truly in love with this girl.

Long story made short: we both show signs of our insecurity every once in while which makes us question the trust we have towards eachother. when we block out all the negative thoughts that run through our heads we truly do have a great relationship

i keep telling her that she can trust me and that i would never do anything to hurt her in any way. and she tells me the same thing back. BUT we still question each other sometimes for no reason what so ever. We never double crossed each other before.

we are so open with each other theres nothing else we can say to each other but "i love you" and " you can trust me" but then we go back to square one every time one of want to do something with out the other.


TRUST is the issue here. How can i build a stronger trust with her?

 

[scordate]

action speaks louder than words

but women love to hear the right words

so dr. math says:

( words + action ) x time

no easy way - no short cuts

but it seems like you got a good one there
who at least is not playing games, huh !

consider yourself lucky

/ scordate

 

[Junior Sanz]

I must focus on the "ACTION" part. your right. thanks!

 

[FratAndDiddy]

it sounds like you have a nice woman, but i agree with the too much information stuff.

i dated a woman for about 4 months, and then she dumped a bunch of her past on me. she told me that her and her 1st husband were thieves. they would buglarize big department stores. my thought was once a thief, always a thief.

any doubts i had were confirmed; i dumped her.

i agree. too much info can be dangerous

 

[Junior Sanz]

A continuation......

after having a huge brawl this weekend over the way she speaks to me sometimes (which is extremely disrespectful ) i realized that the issue with her is CONTROL.

this isnt anything new about how women are but seeing this helped me in my own situation.


Before i came along, she was with a guy for 2 1/2 yrs. one day she came back from the beach and caught this guy sleeping with her best friend. (that HAD to suck!)

destroyed she was, so she quickly rebounded with some other guy which turned into a 6 yr long relationship that ended in a divorce. This guy was only a "rebound" and was only in the picture for convienance. (she was married for about 4 mos then left him)

i realized that this girl was definitely not over this trauma of what happened to her with that 1st guy cheating on her and that her insecurities of her thinking that I to would possibly do the same were definitely taking a toll on OUR relationship.

She feels that she needs that sense of CONTROL because she is scared to give herself COMPLETELY to me in fear that her past will repeat itself.

ive done nothing but reassure her that im totally committed to this her because i see through her insecurities and without them, she is definitely a KEEPER.

never would i cheat and i am as honest as they come.

All i did after the huge fight was tell her that she needed to leave the past behind her. ACCEPT the fact that it happened, but dont let it interfere with what WE have and the future. because what we have IS truly special and the DEMONS OF DOUBT were definitely getting the best of her.........

since saturday, ive seen a change in how she has been treating me......

by me going right to the root of what her problem was, helped me and her at the same time. im sure it will take time for her to digest this acceptance of her past but i know for a fact that if she doesnt let it go, it will definitely be the downfall of our relationship.......

the balls in her court....

 

[NewMan]

Dude, stop wasting your time with all of this drama.... why the hell would you want to contiune wih this?

There are just so many red flags.

 

[Junior Sanz]

name them?


i read and post on this board because there is definitely some insightful information. i dont agree with some because all i see is guys "hating on" the opposite sex justifying there own immature behavior.

im about maintenance when i can see the good in people.

 

[scordate]

i've experienced some of the yelling and the
shouting at one time

sure its individual, but i really dont think that beginning to yell back is good

fighting can way to easy escalade into something you cant forgive / forget

try to remain calm, cool, just say;
honey, i am me, not some other guy
i am going for a little walk and i presume you will have calmed down when I get back
honey i luv you but not when you are like this

be the solid rock in her life

never, ever mention that you might dumb her if she doesnt behave

you cannot force her into a nice mood by threatening to leave her - that will only make her more nervous

other option is to simply to next her, but as you've indicated before; she really has LTR value to you ?

/ scordate

 

[Junior Sanz]

scordate,

just to let you know that you are one of the few on here that i enjoy reading from. you have great insight and i apply what you write into my relationship and it truly does work in a positive way.


it may have looked by the way i wrote that i gave her an ultimadum.

i agree, i would never threaten to dump her or give her an ultimadum like, "either you trust me or your gone!!!!"

she does have LTR characteristics and im not just going to throw in the towel and next her.

but if this vicious cycle continues to play out in her head over and over again...... and i am the victim of the storm every time....there is only so much that i will be able to take.

and it might be best for the both of us to part. but i wont let this past fight determine my future. i feel as if our heart to heart "SUNK IN" and had an impact on her.

i have faith that she will get over this..... I never lose faith...... in ANYTHING!

 

[scordate]

you are the only one who can decide when you have had enough. period

but yes - you should have nexting her as a def. maybe all the time

word of caution; remember that being yelled at is kinda like the noise level of a rock concert

first its nausiating- later on you get used to it

try to step back and look at the situation
would you accept it now ?

i would also, like you indicate, watch her is she REALLY improves or just remain the same

i would think that as long as she improves you could stick with her

the big bonus for you is of course that if you stick around she will never leaves you / cheat on you

try to point out things where you are good, but other guys are bad; friends, tv characters etc etc

then let her do the math !

good luck

/ scordate
( thanx for the kind words - just trying to share )

 

[Junior Sanz]

your welcome! likewise.


improvement is the bottom line here. im giving her a chance to improve herself. of course there is the occassional slip, but we are all human! i F#$& up sometimes to.

of course, things arent gravy all the time and the fighting will be here and there. i learned to choose my battles lately and not sweat the small stuff.

one thing you mentioned that i simultaneously began to realize was this:

" the big bonus for you is of course that if you stick around she will never leaves you / cheat on you

try to point out things where you are good, but other guys are bad"

with that said, her insecurities will play to my advantage because she knows that i am the "solid Rock" in her life.

once again scor, U da MAN!