Help on my cousin's case

[manfrombelow]

OK, straight to the point:

I have a cousin, around 27-28 years old.

He's currently at the lowest of his life, due to some bad choices (career-wise, self-development-wise...) he made in the past, which makes him now what you might called a typical loser: Co-habitation with his gf at her apartment (rent paid by her, Jesus Christ!), living on minimum wage from a ****ty job, in not so good shape...

The thing that makes the lad stress constantly comes from not only the fact that he hates himself and often being a whiny b!tch who hates who he became, but also the fact that his gf openly and constantly compares him to other "succesful guys" in her workplace, and that she is also in "constant stress about who he is, how much he earns, and how much he makes her feel ashamed when she goes to coffee meetings with her girl friends who have succesful boyfriends/husbands"

I told him that "Yes it's true you're at the lowest in your life right now, and your gf's fvcking right about it. But you ALSO HAVE A FVCKING CHOICE to stop this relationship ASAP to focus on yourself. Yes you are a loser, but it doesn't mean you have to keep sitting your azz and listen to her abusive words".

Can you guess what the fvcking lad told me?

He said that he WANTS to leave the relationship, but then his gf would call him a "QUITTER", that "INSTEAD OF HIM TRYING TO UPDATE HIS LIFE, TRYING TO GET IN BETTER SHAPE, HE JUST QUITS LIKE A FVCKING LOSER"

And that's what kept him with her so far. It's like he's being held hostage by her words.

Lads, what do you think about this? Please share with me as much insight as possible so I could shove this thread up his azz because apparently he didn't want to listen to me, but an entire thread by many other people? Perhaps he'd change his mind.

 

[Bingo-Player]

Without knowing his background its difficult to really comment , i mean nobody should really be in that state at 28 because there is still so much time to change things

if he was 38 i could sort of understand the predicament

You need to remind him perception is reality ......

His GF likely has zero respect for him at the moment and is either resenting him or considering cheating

Either way he needs to call it a day and get a rocket up his a$$ to sort his life out

 

[manfrombelow]

Well I'm not so good as a story-teller,

All I know is, my cousin now is suffering in a relationship where he's receiving ZERO respect from his gf, due to his lack of almost every aspects that contributes to the normal perception of a man's value - and this is HIS fault, not hers.

However, I am very confused as to why his gf hasn't dumped him. Perhaps because of these two reasons:

1. She met him right after a painful divorce with her husband. Maybe she doesn't want to go through a breakup again because it's too emotionally devastating?

2. My cousin's good at sex (or he told me).

3. From the way I see it, she has attachment issue: She doesn't have enough courage to call it quit first with my cousin, but at the same time, she seems to... RESENT the fact that he hasn't lived up to her expectations? She once told him that she's embarrased everytime her friends ask about him? I mean this girl seems to have mental issues of her own.

I just want him to get out of this relationship, and work on himself before jumping into another relationship with another woman.

 

[Alvafe]

it don't not matter, unless he start somewhere or even more, be even more ****ed then he is now he will not change.

best bet? try to make him start to work on himself, exercise can help him a little, and tell him to stop being a winny little *****, if he can't even do that let him get even more ****ed to the point he will want to do so

woman will always resent anyone who looks better then her, on this moment she resents her friends and him for not being a bragging rights

 

[SW15]

@manfrombelow -- How often is your cousin getting laid in this relationship? Some men might consider it awesome that they have free rent and don't have to work some bullshiit, high stress job to keep a woman.

 

[Mike32ct]

Best scenario: Break up with her and go full monk mode for probably a year and get his life sorted.

If he truly wants to keep this chick (or he has nowhere to else to live at this point), he's gonna have to let her complaints go in ear and out the other AND take steps every day to level up. This is going to be a difficult route because she is unlikely to have any patience to see him through this lengthy process.

 

[manfrombelow]

@manfrombelow -- How often is your cousin getting laid in this relationship? Some men might consider it awesome that they have free rent and don't have to work some bullshiit, high stress job to keep a woman.

Not sure. But the fvcking lad confessed that he hasn't got much lately. Her gf is getting more frustrated with him than ever before.

I told him unless he won the lottery jackpot right away, then there's no way he could bargain respect from his gf given his current pathetic & weak state.

 

[manfrombelow]

Best scenario: Break up with her and go full monk mode for probably a year and get his life sorted.

If he truly wants to keep this chick (or he has nowhere to else to live at this point), he's gonna have to let her complaints go in ear and out the other AND take steps every day to level up. This is going to be a difficult route because she is unlikely to have any patience to see him through this lengthy process.

The poor guy still has his room in his parent's home.

I think he, despite being a loser, deserves to at least live a life where he's not constantly reminded that he's a loser by anyone.

And his broad deserves to live with someone whom she can respect and look up to.

I mean this is a losing game for both of them. The more they try to stay together, the more they'll resent each other.

That's why for his case I advocate a breakup ASAP. But the piece of sh!t didn't listen.

 

[Mike32ct]

The poor guy still has his room in his parent's home.

I think he, despite being a loser, deserves to at least live a life where he's not constantly reminded that he's a loser by anyone.

And his broad deserves to live with someone whom she can respect and look up to.

That's why for his case I advocate a breakup ASAP.

I agree completely. Then he should move home (where he can hopefully be somewhat supported/encouraged) and turn his life around that way. Then can meet a new chick and have a clean slate say a year or more from now.

 

[SW15]

Not sure. But the fvcking lad confessed that he hasn't got much lately. Her gf is getting more frustrated with him than ever before.

I told him unless he won the lottery jackpot right away, then there's no way he could bargain respect from his gf given his current pathetic & weak state.

I can identify. One of my cousins had a similar thing happen. My cousin is a construction worker. He's intelligent in a non-academic way. He ended up with a nurse. Had an unplanned pregnancy with her and later married her. There was later a 2nd kid. Over time, she grew massively dissatisfied with him. She had an affair with a co-worker. Not surprising, given female hypergamy and the number of doctors she was around on a near daily basis. They got divorced.

My cousin now has to co-parent with her. She's generally unpleasant in her interactions with him. She's as uncooperative as possible. I'm not surprised. When they were married, she was rude to me.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

There is no assurance that his parents would be loving & supportive. Often young people are disabused by the parents as they grow up and this imprints how they come to interact with the world on a deep basic level. If he moves home only to hear what a loser he is from Mom and Dad (perhaps in some veiled passive-aggressive way), that would be worse.

You cousin sounds depressed. Depression is no joke. Many people CANNOT just get up and level up. They get too mired and stuck. This happened to my ex husband after his business (where he derived his self esteem and sense of worth from) partnership failed. He spun into a deep depression, dropped his responsibility for just about everything and became an entitled little baby expecting me to handle everything in life. Imbecile in the most literal sense. I was already married to him when this happened and we already had our son. I stayed another 14 years trying to encourage, nag, cajole, demonstrate & support him, all while having good sex and a deep partner bond. I was loyal to a fault in that but at the end of the day I became the enabler of his imbecile state. Once I digested this I realized I was simply prolonging his procrastination of life, and hurting myself in the process, nevermind showing the kids a most dysfunctional relationship dynamic. Five years before I divorced him I told him what things would need to change, else I leave. I divorced him 5 years later without much fanfare. He remains a slovenly depressed man who while he has gone back to work, he has never recovered from that business failure. His self talk is negative, he’s gotten fat, he doesn’t care. It’s sad. We have been divorced now 8 years. No change in him but at least he is no longer a drag on my life & well-being.

Nobody but your cousin can reverse his course. He may need a therapist or some encouragement. But if he is merely taking in your advice and doing nothing? That’s on him. He must change himself.

He likely stays with the GF not only because he is mooching off her, he also gets validation from her being with him still in a weird way. If she leaves him then he will not have her enabling him any more and he will have to take care of himself or face himself etc.

All attention is validating to him as weird as that sounds. Hers even though it’s bitching, yours, anyone’s. This is what self loathing people do. They suck up whatever attention is focused on them….positive or negative, but negative is most familiar because it reflects their own self talk.

He needs therapy but he (if I’m betting) will find any and every excuse not to go.

These are HIS choices. It is impossible to rescue people who don’t want rescued.

Ask me how I know.

 

[manfrombelow]

Advice from the old lady:

There is no assurance that his parents would be loving & supportive. Often young people are disabused by the parents as they grow up and this imprints how they come to interact with the world on a deep basic level. If he moves home only to hear what a loser he is from Mom and Dad (perhaps in some veiled passive-aggressive way), that would be worse.

You cousin sounds depressed. Depression is no joke. Many people CANNOT just get up and level up. They get too mired and stuck. This happened to my ex husband after his business (where he derived his self esteem and sense of worth from) partnership failed. He spun into a deep depression, dropped his responsibility for just about everything and became an entitled little baby expecting me to handle everything in life. Imbecile in the most literal sense. I was already married to him when this happened and we already had our son. I stayed another 14 years trying to encourage, nag, cajole, demonstrate & support him, all while having good sex and a deep partner bond. I was loyal to a fault in that but at the end of the day I became the enabler of his imbecile state. Once I digested this I realized I was simply prolonging his procrastination of life, and hurting myself in the process, nevermind showing the kids a most dysfunctional relationship dynamic. Five years before I divorced him I told him what things would need to change, else I leave. I divorced him 5 years later without much fanfare. He remains a slovenly depressed man who while he has gone back to work, he has never recovered from that business failure. His self talk is negative, he’s gotten fat, he doesn’t care. It’s sad. We have been divorced now 8 years. No change in him but at least he is no longer a drag on my life & well-being.

Nobody but your cousin can reverse his course. He may need a therapist or some encouragement. But if he is merely taking in your advice and doing nothing? That’s on him. He must change himself.

He likely stays with the GF not only because he is mooching off her, he also gets validation from her being with him still in a weird way. If she leaves him then he will not have her enabling him any more and he will have to take care of himself or face himself etc.

All attention is validating to him as weird as that sounds. Hers even though it’s bitching, yours, anyone’s. This is what self loathing people do. They suck up whatever attention is focused on them….positive or negative, but negative is most familiar because it reflects their own self talk.

He needs therapy but he (if I’m betting) will find any and every excuse not to go.

These are HIS choices. It is impossible to rescue people who don’t want rescued.

Ask me how I know.

Thank you. With all my respect.

The bolded part is what I want so badly for that piece of sh!t: While it's not 100% guaranteed that his GF dumping his sorry azz will give him the motivation to change into a better person, AT LEAST it will release him off a toxic relationship - and that's at least what he needs right now.

I'm sorry to hear about your story with your ex-husband. I can feel the love you had for him, and I can feel how frustrated you were when you finally had to complete your ultimatum a.k.a leaving him after he still failed to get better. Must have hurt so bad.

And I 100% agree that nobody can save my cousin but HIMSELF. And breaking up with his GF is clear-as-day the first step on his self-recovered journey.

And you're also true about him might be having depression. I mean these days, I don't see him behave and function like he used to a long time ago. And I'm instinctively sure he'll keep being depressed as long as he's stuck in this toxic relationship that is, ironically, his fault to begin with. I always told him that men should not date when being in deep sh!t.

I'm gonna show the motherfvcker this thread, after that I'm done. I have my fair share of problems too so I can't keep trying to "rescue" him forever.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

The same way he chose to make those bad decisions, he can choose to make better ones. He has to be the one who wants that, not anyone else.

 

[Black Widow Void]

Sounds like a double case of co-dependency.

She actually doesn’t resent/hate him. Underneath it all, she (subconsciously) hates herself for staying around.

As to your cousin, you’ll likely encounter the same behavior. Deep down, he knows that you’re right. But having to admit this on the surface, he’d be forced to confront his failures - which he’d rather deny.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

OK, straight to the point:

I have a cousin, around 27-28 years old.

He's currently at the lowest of his life, due to some bad choices (career-wise, self-development-wise...) he made in the past, which makes him now what you might called a typical loser: Co-habitation with his gf at her apartment (rent paid by her, Jesus Christ!), living on minimum wage from a ****ty job, in not so good shape...

The thing that makes the lad stress constantly comes from not only the fact that he hates himself and often being a whiny b!tch who hates who he became, but also the fact that his gf openly and constantly compares him to other "succesful guys" in her workplace, and that she is also in "constant stress about who he is, how much he earns, and how much he makes her feel ashamed when she goes to coffee meetings with her girl friends who have succesful boyfriends/husbands"

I told him that "Yes it's true you're at the lowest in your life right now, and your gf's fvcking right about it. But you ALSO HAVE A FVCKING CHOICE to stop this relationship ASAP to focus on yourself. Yes you are a loser, but it doesn't mean you have to keep sitting your azz and listen to her abusive words".

Can you guess what the fvcking lad told me?

He said that he WANTS to leave the relationship, but then his gf would call him a "QUITTER", that "INSTEAD OF HIM TRYING TO UPDATE HIS LIFE, TRYING TO GET IN BETTER SHAPE, HE JUST QUITS LIKE A FVCKING LOSER"

And that's what kept him with her so far. It's like he's being held hostage by her words.

Lads, what do you think about this? Please share with me as much insight as possible so I could shove this thread up his azz because apparently he didn't want to listen to me, but an entire thread by many other people? Perhaps he'd change his mind.

You seem like a man that can handle the truth so here it is...

There is absolutely nothing you can do or say to change the course and ultimate demise of the path your cousin has either consciously or unconsciously chosen for himself.

Let it be. That is your best approach for this.

Most people need to touch fire to learn it burns.


Modern Man Advice

 

[Macadellic]

Tell your cousin to join the military.

He will learn a new trade/skill that can transition into a career as a civilian. He will become physically fit, build mental strength with resilient respectful character.

Or he can continue to stay in a dead end job in a dead end relationship and wake up at 38.

Your cousin can choose his path.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Can you guess what the fvcking lad told me?

He said that he WANTS to leave the relationship, but then his gf would call him a "QUITTER", that "INSTEAD OF HIM TRYING TO UPDATE HIS LIFE, TRYING TO GET IN BETTER SHAPE, HE JUST QUITS LIKE A FVCKING LOSER"

And that's what kept him with her so far. It's like he's being held hostage by her words.

Do you honestly believe this BS? Come on man, you don't strike me as a naive person.

You now what's keeping him with his GF and it's not some "I don't want to be a quitter" boyscout mentality. As you said, she's paying rent (and probably other expenses). With a minimum wage job, he probably can't even afford rent. Your cousin is one step away from becoming homeless. His girl understands his predicament and is using it as a whip.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

If your partner is not financially limiting themselves, how can you say you have commitment? True, working a fast food job is not ideal, but the guy has his bills paid and money in his pocket, I mean you could do worse.

Sounds like a bit of jealousy coming through if I'm honest, this is your family, where I come from people who insult their own family are liable to insult anybody and not to be trusted.

 

[manfrombelow]

Sounds like a double case of co-dependency.

She actually doesn’t resent/hate him. Underneath it all, she (subconsciously) hates herself for staying around.

As to your cousin, you’ll likely encounter the same behavior. Deep down, he knows that you’re right. But having to admit this on the surface, he’d be forced to confront his failures - which he’d rather deny.

That's why I said this relationship is a deadlock for the both of them:

1. The guy should not stay with someone who cannot respect him the way he wants it - as it hurts his self-esteem.

2. The woman should not stay with someone whom she cannot respect, as it's against her female nature - as it hurts her pride and joy.

And they both are suffering in this relationship, not just him, but also her.

 

[manfrombelow]

Sounds like a bit of jealousy coming through if I'm honest, this is your family, where I come from people who insult their own family are liable to insult anybody and not to be trusted.

If people give me reasons to insult them, I will - no matter if they're family or strangers.

Do you know that I stopped all contact with my toxic father, and limited my interaction to the minimum with my almost-as-toxic mother? I think it's even worse than some verbal insults.

But, in this particular case, if you think I'm jealous with a dude that's stuck in a much more sh!tty state of life than I am, and also someone who I'm trying to help as man-to-man, while it's not my duty or obligation to help him, just because of my vulgar language, then it's your problem, buddy - not mine.

If there's already a toilet in your head, you'll see sh!t everywhere.