Help me snap out of this one...

[Socialreject]

Right, i need some mature, insightful, manly imput on this one...

A few months back i started dating this woman, and she turned out to be quite intresting, more over she turned out to be quite 'stable'... which is a rarity all together in this day and age it seems.

Long story short, as time went on and I became more involved with her, i started seeing her exclusively out of my own volition.

A couple weeks back however we had a falling out, which i'll admit was a screw up on my part, however not entirely without motivation since I felt that she wasn't quite as attentive as she could be. I felt a drop in her interest level and decided the exclusiveness was no longer worth it. So i went out that weekend and went back to business as usual, picked up some chick for a ONS and got busy.

That's that... However, this woman is very strange to me. I figured i'd cut her loose, even if maybe i didn't want to, i have no intention of staying in a relationship with a woman who isn't, by my standards, pulling her weight anymore... for whatever reason.

Now however she seems to display a lot of interest in picking up where we left off. She calls, texts, leaves me msgs, which i reservingly reciprocate... Yet regardless of that she seems to be playing a 'hard to get' kind of game and everytime i step up the game again and move closer, she just makes a b-line... only to then come back and seek my attention.

Frankly i'm getting a little annoyed with her, and my patience is wearing thin. However, i have to admit that she has a lot of interesting qualities, and that i genuinly like her. A penny for her thought to be honest, because i'd really like to know what angle she is playing here. A part of me thinks she's being manipulative, which would be a reason for me to drop her... another part of me feels that she's just being 'clever' about who she makes an attachment to, and that she's trying to figure out whether I'd be a clever choice for that.

Sure, i could just drop her and say "want me? Come get me!", and maybe i should, but I'm not sure if i should in this case...

So help me out here..

 

[jophil28]

OK here is my take.
Her IL dropped and because that was not OK with you, she got cut loose right?
She then texts you and so on, to maintain the connection. SO why would a woman bother to do that if her IL was falling anyway?
Answer, because women hate to be dumped . Dumped = rejection and rejection = worthless. A woman would rather have a plumber perform open heart surgery on her right there on her kitchen table than be dumped .
Therefor, by maintaining the connection with you and getting you to play your part by texting back, she can delude herself that she is not really dumped, THis allows her to avoid the horror of those feelings on being a "woman scorned". She is also getting an ego lift from drawing you back in and then creating distance when you approach - this gives her the illusion of power and control.
The reason that she does not want to finally let you go is that to do so automatically forces her to deal with the reality of the finality of separation and the subsequent emotions of feeling worthless.

 

[Last Man Standing]

Are you looking for marriage or just fun?

 

[Socialreject]

Are you looking for marriage or just fun?

I guess when all is said and done I'm a one woman man, but that only goes for the right kind of woman of course, and i'm basically trying to figure out if she is... and having trouble seeing things clearly.

jophil28, I had a similar train of thought, and still do actually. Regardless of what she says, which would suggest that she's very much into me, i simply do not get that vibe from her at this point, but she still manages to pull a convincing one every now and then, which has gotten me hung up in indecisiveness...

I guess i have to admit that in my mind, she does have a number of perks over other women at the moment, which makes her a little more important than any of the things other women could do for me for the time being.

And with that, she does have a certain 'hold' over me...

If at any time however i strongly feel that it's more prudent to cut her loose, I will do exactly that... But i'm unsure...

She can say what she wants, even though she is very convincing, and seems sincere enough, my gut is telling me another story.

I suppose i'm looking for guys who have similar aspirations to my own, and a little more experience, to clue me in as to how much of myself i should be giving her before I pull the plug...

 

[Last Man Standing]

Well just look at her actions and judge them for what they are. Women use words a lot to misdirect. Test her loyalty somehow.

 

[iqqi]

What would you think if she felt like your IL was dropping, and she went out and grabbed her a ONS that one weekend she was feeling insecure?

I ask this, because maybe she is feeling your IL isn't high enough to be exclusive (you aren't if you are still getting ONS), and she is acting accordingly.

Then again she could just be playing hard to get. Many women do this as a way to weed out men who aren't as sincere as they seem. And seems like the fact you were able to go out and ONS it up, she is on to something. Her loss? Perhaps. But it may be just the way she wants it.

Besides all that, what is she doing to make you think she is playing hard to get? Could it be that you really just need a clingy woman?

 

[Socialreject]

Besides all that, what is she doing to make you think she is playing hard to get? Could it be that you really just need a clingy woman?

She's hard to get a hold of, it's that simple...

Let me put it this way...

If your neighbour made a habbit of greeting you with a 'goodmorning neighbour, how are you?' EVERY DAMN morning on your way to work...

Then one day, he just stops, no more hello, goodmorning, nothing, he just looks ahead and keeps walking.

What are you going to think?

Was that his cat i ran over last week or something? Did he finally figure out i still have his BBQ set? Etc...

It's not about how much time she has available, it's about the sudden change. I don't mind women who barely have any time for relationships, i just don't enter into one with them. I don't mind women who pry you every damn day of the week, i just tell them to back off or get lost (in a nice way).

But when a woman blows one way first, and then other next, then i wonder..

 

[joekerr31]

OK here is my take.
Her IL dropped and because that was not OK with you, she got cut loose right?
She then texts you and so on, to maintain the connection. SO why would a woman bother to do that if her IL was falling anyway?
Answer, because women hate to be dumped . Dumped = rejection and rejection = worthless. A woman would rather have a plumber perform open heart surgery on her kitchen table than be dumped .
Therefor, by maintaining the connection with you and getting you to play your part by texting back, she can delude herself that she is not really dumped, THis allows her to avoid the horror of those feelings on being a "woman scorned". She is also getting an ego lift from drawing you back in and then creating distance when you approach - this gives her the illusion of power and control.
The reason that she does not want to finally let you go is that to do so automatically forces her to deal with the reality of the finality of separation and the subsequent emotions of feeling worthless.

jophil has totally unplugged from the matrix, cuz his advice is always 100% bang on the money.

reality is that YOU dumped her.

lets look at it like this. let's say that she gets dumped, goes away, does some soul searching and comes to the conclusion that your reasons for dumping her are well founded. she would then reapproach you and say 'you were right, i wasn't pulling my weight, can we give this another shot?"

but thats not what she is doing.

what she did was get dumped, goes away, thinks about, comes to the conclusion of 'how dare he! who does he think he is! what kind of power trip does he think he's pulling?! what a degenerate player! theres nothing wrong with me and he knows it! he's just dumping me so he can screw some other chic and not feel guilty about it! f*ck him, i'll show him. i'll real him back in and drop him on his head, he damn well deserves it!"

look, its a pretty simple and good rule - if you dump a chic NEVER take her back. DO NOT walk away if you still want to be with her.

if you 'walk away' as a power tactic to try and get her to change, you are being immature. you CAN'T change people, they have to want to change. all you can do is ask them to try, and then its up to them if they try.

but don't walk away as a tactic - thats no different than pulling an ultimatum on someone. you should never state things as an ultimatum. simply ask them to try and change, if they can great, if they can't then its over (but you dont have to state that, they already know it. when you state it you are throwing a power play in their face).

the problem when you do this is - walking away before you are really done or throwing out ultimatums - is that it sends the woman into confrontational / game playing mode. which is what you are experiencing right now.

 

[joekerr31]

It's not about how much time she has available, it's about the sudden change. I don't mind women who barely have any time for relationships, i just don't enter into one with them. I don't mind women who pry you every damn day of the week, i just tell them to back off or get lost (in a nice way).

But when a woman blows one way first, and then other next, then i wonder..

it sounds to me like your problem with this woman is that she had 70% of the things you are looking for in a woman.

but she also has 30% of the things you arne't looking for. so while its almost a match, its NOT a match.

and no amount of walking away or ultimatums will change her. she might change for a short period of time, but in the long run, the 30% of her thats a problem for you today, is going to be a problem in 2 years from now.

actually, truth be told, the 'annoying' side of people tends to increase as the years go on, not decrease!

so it sounds to me like walking away was the right thing for you to do. the only problem is that you are having second thoughts about it.

once you bury the dog don't go digging it up hoping that maybe its alive again - this isn't stephen king's pet semetary

 

[Socialreject]

once you bury the dog don't go digging it up hoping that maybe its alive again - this isn't stephen king's pet semetary

Lmao!

You're probably right, I should have walked and kept walking.

I never actually pulled any kind of powerplay on her though, not sure where you picked that up. She wasn't heard or seen for 2 weeks, i called her, sent her a few texts, and left a msg, but no answer...

So i figured 'fuk that' and went on my merry way... That weekend i met a blonde with big boobs and a wicked sense of humor, so i took her home...

Nothing to do with power play or mind games... just me being me really...

But...

She resurfaced soon after... lol... And provided me with a questionable, yet credible enough explanation as to why she had been 'away' and why she couldn't answer my calls/texts...

Sooooo... seeing as i never actually WANTED to walk away in the first place, her negligence just gave me no choice, I just decided to pick back up where we left off...

OR so i thought, hehe... It's like trying to mate with a street cat now... She just keeps bugging me and trying to get my attention, but as soon as i get in a little closer she just darts off.

She's either spooked, playing games, or totally off the reservation. If it's the case of the first, i might actually be willing to give her a little time to get over it, but it certainly doesn't seem that way and every passing day is just a confirmation of that.

I guess it's all fair, and no harm no foul though... If she wants to get closer, she will, and if she doesn't well... haven't lost a thing except maybe a little time.

 

[LovelyLady]

A couple weeks back however we had a falling out, which i'll admit was a screw up on my part,

Seems as if this still needs to be addressed in some way - which I think you may know intuitively, as you bring it up as a pivotal occurance.

My 2 cents

 

[iqqi]

^^^ Agreed.

And I disagree that she was "dumped" lol.

How do you guys figure? Most likely scenario is that OP just didn't call her as much, which happens when ppl are dating. I highly doubt she ever thought he went anywhere... nor did he. Him not calling so much and having a ONS doesn't mean he dumped her. He has to TELL her that it is over for it to be a dump.

He is reading too much into her not being as clingy, which could be for a variety of reasons.

Here is a huge concept: Try COMMUNICATION

Why don't you just ASK her what is the deal, why she starts to close off sometimes?

Aren't we mature men and women here??

 

[wjh]

^ again, it is the man's fault.

 

[Phyzzle]

Before figuring out what she's doing, make it clear what what you did. Did you dump her or what? You had a "falling out", which was a "screw up" on your part. Did that screw up involve screwing her sister? Because that's pretty much the same as dumping her. In which case,

what she did was get dumped, goes away, thinks about, comes to the conclusion of 'how dare he! who does he think he is! what kind of power trip does he think he's pulling?! what a degenerate player! theres nothing wrong with me and he knows it! he's just dumping me so he can screw some other chic and not feel guilty about it! f*ck him, i'll show him. i'll real him back in and drop him on his head, he damn well deserves it!"

This is a fundamentally accurate picture of how human being think when they get dumped - guys too!

Why don't you just ASK her what is the deal, why she starts to close off sometimes?

Well, there is no point in asking questions we already know the answers to. This is a woman after all. If you ask her what is wrong, the answer will be "nothing".

 

[jophil28]

For LMS - Just ignore the words in this post..DO NOT READ ANYTHING into the white spacescoz there is nothing there.
Read the post below instead because this blank post says nothing . It was originally a dupe of the one below and i zapped it to avoid duplicate -- phew ! Confusing ?
Carry on .

 

[jophil28]

OR so i thought, hehe... It's like trying to mate with a street cat now... She just keeps bugging me and trying to get my attention, but as soon as i get in a little closer she just darts off.

Perhaps we will never understand how this women functions . What you do know is that she disappeared for two weeks without a sign or even a signal back to base.. NOw she is playing a version of "go away until I want you back - oops you are getting close so I am outta here.."
This is a game which has NO benefits for YOU. NONE ! She has you bewildered to the point that you need to post here for some clarity.
She has you spinning and twisting and turning and THis is a tactic used by some women to keep a guy "on the backburner" until SHE decides what to do. My guess is that she cannot accept being rejected by you and is clinging to avoid feeling DUMPED. A second reason for her "distancing" behavior when you come close is that she probably does not want to risk getting dumped a second time.
Whatever her motivations, she is still acting in a way that is NOT ok with you. That is the point. Her "reasons" are really known only to her (and that is debateable too )
The whys and wherefores of her behavior are not really important here. What is important is what YOU do about this situation..

Read Joe K's advice about not using the silent treatment as a tactic unless you are totally OK with walking away permanently..
However you need to get off this round-a-bout that you and she are on.
I just don't know what advice to offer you exactly, but you need to bring this go-round to a conclusion one way or t'other.
I suggest putting up some proposal in which she has to "shyte or get off the pot".
Suggest a weekend away together - this forces her to commit two days of her attention, time and energy to you. If she wriggles and ducks and weaves then walk away without another word.

 

[Socialreject]

Thanks guys...

Communication with this woman is like trying to teach japanese to a monkey, i doubt she's ever had a decent heart to heart talk with anyone that ever amounted to anything...

I know that now since I figured it was time to get some clarity about the situation by confronting her about it and well...

I might have just aswell not bothered since i am NONE the wiser, rofl.

I think i'm going to have to slightly change my opinion of her and conclude she's just another finkle silly heart. Apparantly she's the type that doesn't really know what's going on in her head unless it's some crazy, nutter, pressing desire feeling that is driving her one way or the other.

Which i guess puts her in the category of about 100 other women i met and never bothered with beyond a couple dates...

The only difference is that she's actually HONEST about the fact that she doesn't know what's going on in her head instead of coming up with some random, unrelated excuse for being difficult to handle.

So i guess it's bye bye then.

She still seems to come around for crumbs of attention though, and suggested a get together at a later undisclosed time (lmfao), so i guess i'll just game her then, keep her in the adress book but definitely stick to the basics for any future interactions, because i definitely do not trust anything she says for sh1t anymore.

I'm just glad i finally tied the knot on this in my head... getting hung up like this was... disturbing to say the least.

It's that weird feeling, when you're in a public shower, and you drop your soap... you know you want to pick it up, but you also know better...

When i really think back, i think i screwed up (for myself at least, not with her) somewhere in the early stages by breaking my own rules for her. She pushed off suddenly, and it didn't strike me that she was actually pushing off, and i started pulling instead... so she pushed off harder... Unsurprisingly. Looking back now, that's the point i should have given her room to roam, and just draw my conclusions in my head and taken a little room to roam for myself as well.

 

[Last Man Standing]

Ignore..

Hahaha, ignore what?

I actually paid more attention to your response because you told me to ignore a non-response!

SocialReject - nice name

Is it just me or is this the most non descriptive thread ever written. You use very general terms and it seems that you don't even know what's wrong. This is odd.

 

[LoneSilver]

My mommy is around here somewhere she's got milk and cookies for all of us

LoneSilver

mature[/I] men and women here??

 

[LoneSilver]

Sometimes it's just best to go fishing.

LoneSilver

Right, i need some mature, insightful, manly imput on this one...