Help me snap out of this one...

Socialreject

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LoneSilver said:
Sometimes it's just best to go fishing.

LoneSilver


Socialreject said:
Right, i need some mature, insightful, manly imput on this one...
Yeah, I only fish with TNT though... Not sure why, something about just sitting there holding my pole for hours on end just creeps me out... Bad memories about an ex-gf i think...


Last Man Standing... It's just you! :D

No really... wtf do i know about 'DJ lingo'? I barely ever come here, and if i knew what was 'wrong' i wouldn't actually have come here now would I? :rolleyes:

No offence to present company, but this board isn't exactly the best place to find any usefull answers that touch ground in the real world, and so i mostly stay away let life teach me what i need to know.
 

jophil28

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Socialreject said:
LoneSilver said:
No offence to present company, but this board isn't exactly the best place to find any usefull answers that touch ground in the real world, and so i mostly stay away let life teach me what i need to know.
NO offense to you, but I don't know what you want .You have been given outstanding advice and insight about what we think and you have not responded to most of it or even acknowedged that it has even been offered.
WE cannot drive around to your house and make you a cup of tea now can we ?. YOu need to be willing to discuss this issue actively on this board - after all YOU have the problem and we don't.

However , because we are here to help, I am going to offer you the 25 cent solution.
You are dealing with a strange woman who acts strangely ( do you agree so far ?)
IF a woman's behavior is NOT ok with you then the woman's behavior is not OK. (Still with me?)

Therefor, it follows that you have two choices. Either stick around and play her strange games and stay confused OR ditch her and eliminate the confusion.

You also said that she cannot communicate, so a solution is impossible by negotiation. That leaves just these TWO choices !
I would like to give you more options but they do not exist down here on planet earth.
 

drmeathead

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i am the only one thinking that this woman dumped him? she left for two weeks and didnt answer calls or texts. in two weeks she didnt have time to tell her boyfriend "hey i didnt get raped and left in an alley for dead. you dont need to call the cops. really i am fine."? to me that is just not acceptable, not when you two are exclusive anyway.

then when u come back she is pulling away as soon as you get close? do you really think that there isnt someone else on her mind? you were right to walk away. you just need to stay away.
 

Bonhomme

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A lifelong commitment is a big thing. Those who understand it do not take it lightly.

In short, it looks glaringly obvious to me you're not ready to commit to her to the extent she would want, and it's only likely to get worse with time, so my advice is to man up and move along... at least for now.

Maybe her value will increase with time, though there's no guarantee she'll be available then. But that's life. Best to live in the present. More honorable to be single and get whatever action you can, than go through the motions of a commitment that's not in your heart, which would be bad for her and yourself.
 

Socialreject

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Ok allow me to clarify a few things then...

First of all I'd just like to say that i've read ALL the posts, and taken everything in to reasonable consideration, and that I DO appreciate you all taking the time to reply. Fair enough?

I have no problem discussing this actively on the board...

Like i said, she disappeared, which i found disgruntling and quite upsetting, and so that is exactly what i told her. That i did not appreciate this. She did apologise for this and acknowledged that it was inconsiderate, but at the same time keeps dodging with the 'i was strapped for time' bullcrap.. So her apology i felt was less than sincere.

ANYWAYS

I did not put much stock into her after this, and so I simply kept things 'light' from that point on and gave her some room to breath and think.

During this time she showed 'some' interest. Interest as in she initiate a dialogue with me whenever i left her alone for a couple of days. Interest such as suggesting a get together over the weekends.

However, regardless of her actions that would suggest she was trying to close in again, her behavior was very aloof.

I got tired of playing that game, and felt like i wanted to make a decision to either put her her in a position where she'd have to decide one way or the other, or to just walk away. I did not entirely feel ready to walk away, and so i opted to put her in a decision making position.

I did so by talking to her, voicing my concerns that I felt she was blowing cold wind.

At first she denied it.. everything was fine, she loved me, thought about me. I gave her some more time, and then confronted her about it again because nothing had changed. This time she mixed an excuse ****tail of 'I've been busy' and 'I'm feeling a little insecure'.

What i did next was to simply give her confirmation, and made myself more available to her. My train of thought was that if she's feeling insecure about the relationship, i can put her at ease by letting her notice that I'm giving her a lot of attention.

Nothing changed, so after some time, i once again squeezed her for a straight answer, and this time she produced it, and told me that something had 'changed' between us, that she didn't really know what but that she felt different around me, and then suggested that we 'take a break'.

I was as honest as possible with her, and said that I did not really believe in breaks as 'solutions' and that I was assuming that if either of us met someone new during this 'break' that we would both simply move on in that situation.

She didn't disagree, but also expressed that apparently i had already made up my mind, and requested that we would continue to be honest with each other.

Well ok... So as far the situation to this day... we are on 'a break'. That's just fine, and what i said still goes... If someone else comes along, i'll not hesitate, but i'm not sure if the same goes for her, because she's already expressed an interest in meeting me again.

She's playing a weird game and to be honest i'm not sure what it is. I do know however that i'm tired of playing this game with her, and no longer wish to do so, and so i will move on.

The only thing I haven't decided on yet is if I'm going to be 'honest' with her and tell her i'm moving on, or if I'm just going to do it and let her find out on her own.

I guess the way i see it is... I've given her my attention and I've given her my quality time, and apparently it is not appreciated, so now, if she wants my attention, or my quality time, then she'll just have to work for it. If she doesn't then I'm not simply going to 'give' it to her either, and I don't feel like i need to let her off the hook by officially breaking up with her.

The truth of the matter is that i do not WANT to break up with her. I liked her, and i still have some feelings for her. I do however understand that for my own sake, i must move on. The point is that I'm not giving her the easy way out. If she wants an official statement, then she's just going have to take responsibility and DUMP me. If she doesn't then i guess our level of interaction will simply weather away to non-existence.

But I have at present no desire to give her the easy way out and the perfect excuse to move on gut free by pulling the plug on her. If she wants to move on, then she can do it the hard way, just like me.

I hope this makes things more clear...

I would also like to add that when i first posted this topic that i had not been able to squeeze a straight answer out of her yet, and so i was still under the impression that she simply needed confirmation, but i was already smelling a rat, so i came here looking for insight.
 

iqqi

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You still haven't told us what you did in the beginning. You said you guys had a falling out and it was due to you. What happened?

By the way, for the most part, I think your attitude is good about all this.
 

jophil28

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Socialreject said:
.... i can put her at ease by letting her notice that I'm giving her a lot of attention.

Nothing changed, so after some time, i once again squeezed her for a straight answer, and this time she produced it, and told me that something had 'changed' between us, that she didn't really know what but that she felt different around me, and then suggested that we 'take a break'.


The truth of the matter is that i do not WANT to break up with her.
"We need to take a break " is womanspeak for " I want to break up with you because my IL is falling like a stone."
It can also include the fiollowing if she continues to connect with you but remains at a distance - " I want to keep you around and remain swinging from your branch until I find a bigger better one at which time I will swing over to the new one."
The give away signs are - mixed messages ,blowing hot and cold, reduced communication from her, mood swings, unexplained absences, weak excuses. flaking and showing up late ,,,

Time to move on, man
 

Socialreject

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iqqi said:
You still haven't told us what you did in the beginning. You said you guys had a falling out and it was due to you. What happened?

By the way, for the most part, I think your attitude is good about all this.

Well she disappeared, and I called a couple times (2-3), and sent her some texts wondering where she had been, and one in which i asked her what reason she had for giving me the silent treatment. I also left one msg for her in which i basically expressed my dissatisfaction with her ignoring my calls/texts and i'd love to hear what could possibly be her motivation for that...

I was a little upset when i left the msg, and i suppose she heard it in my voice, heh heh. Not like i was wailing like a babe or anything though, I was just upset and I don't do well at hiding my emotions... furthermore i think i had cause to be upset. Not that it 'solves' anything... but yeah whatever.

If this was just some woman I was dating, I really would not have bothered leaving that msg, or even calling more than twice if she does not return my call... but we were both in the understanding that it was a little 'more' than just dating...

And the weekend following that mess, i went out, and had some fun, and then i 'cheated' on her... in a way, i suppose. I don't exactly feel good about that, but then she had moved on for all i knew. I called her, left a msg, and sent her texts... I think I made ample attempts to contact her before drawing my conclusions that it was over. I guess there's ONE more thing i could have done... drive over to her place... but wtf you know?! What am i some kind of stalker?

EITHER WAY...

That is how i screwed up... I guess... she seemed 'spooked' by my frustrated msg. I didn't think it was such a big deal, but what do i know... I'm a very easy going type of guy, and don't tend to take peoples anger/frustration very personal at all. Guess she felt differently huh?

jophil28...

Yeah, which is why i was honest with her and told her i didn't believe in breaks and that i would move on and out if the oppertunity presents itself (or i go looking for one)...

I am moving on now... I still have some emotional attachment to her, but I can't let that control my judgement, for my own sake. Well, not the first time, wont be the last either.

I guess it's the price you pay for having an ultimate goal to find a companion rather than just leading a bachelors life... Walking away is a little harder sometimes...

I maintained a bachelors lifestyle for about 3 years, during which I didn't emotionally connect with any of the women I dated, just because I didn't want to 'get involved' on that level. So after trying that lifestyle for a couple of years i decided that I would open up to some other possibilities as well, because i felt it was time for that. Not that I feel time ticking away to nest up or anything like that. I know i could simply keep this lifestyle going and there would always be candidates along the way for more solid connection.

Call me stupid, deluded, or silly if you like, but I cannot help but feel that being with someone where there is a healthy amount of emotional fibre is more fulfilling than your average date/fuk/just have fun relationships.
 
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Ok, she wants a break? That means she is seeing another dude and doesn't want you around to spoil her chances with him!!
 

LoneSilver

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In the post above by jophil28 on the gray area it says that I was the one who originally posted the below but something was missing. My original post was the one about it's best sometimes to just go fishing which is good advice and the reply that is below is from the OP.

Just wanted to make that clear or did I miss something while I was away.

It says... Originally Posted by LoneSilver (I didn't write the below) but the OP did.

No offence to present company, but this board isn't exactly the best place to find any usefull answers that touch ground in the real world, and so i mostly stay away let life teach me what i need to know.
 

Socialreject

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Last Man Standing said:
Ok, she wants a break? That means she is seeing another dude and doesn't want you around to spoil her chances with him!!
I think that is a little presumptuous. I'm not saying it's impossible, just highly unlikely. Either way, it's not really my concern anymore at this point. She can fuk whoever she wants to. I've no more illusions about 'mending' this, and even if i could, there is simply no reason for me to do so at this point.

That's the good thing about being a male isn't it? You don't always have to do what you feel like doing..
 

Tazman

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Socialreject said:
She's playing a weird game and to be honest i'm not sure what it is.
I'm hoping that you can now see that this is exactly the intent of her behavior. To keep you in limbo until she's ready to cut ties or keep you hanging on a string.

You can use yourself as an example when trying to make sense of her or anyone's behavior. When you are into someone, you think about them, you want to be around them, you make sure they KNOW you want them, being around them makes you happy, etc.

When you become interested in someone else, you withdraw from the person you're currently with, you make excuses about flaky behavior to keep the peace (especially when you aren't ready for an immediate break). This can also apply when you are simply not into whoever you're with, even if there aren't any prospects in the current line up.

Don't believe the hype about women "not knowing what they want" or how they can be "confused". Men aren't the only sex who are skillful and calculating in their pursuits. You shouldn't have to "negotiate" feelings, in fact you can't.
 
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