Help! Damage Control" Told her "I love you"

[Diligentsd]

What's up fellas? Sad to say it's my first post and not one I'm proud of.

I broke the rule of not telling her "I love you" first. The reply I got was , "I like you deeply", "I'm being honest" and "I am still all yours".

This is after two months to the day of us seeing each other about 4-5 days a week following the first two weeks (1-2 days). I am 33 and she is 28, both never married, some long term relationships.

We've met each other's parents, although inadvertantly because of special events and what not. Whenever I want to see her she's there, whatever I want she'll get it. She's been awesome. We maintain incredible eye contact at times where I felt the love and strong connection there. The eyes never lie. I thought her responding with "I love you too" would be a slam dunk.

The reason I said it first was because she is shy about showing her inner self to me. Yet she has told me "you're the only one I want" and initiating the whole exclusivity thing. I thought that we would take that next step by me letting her know it's alright to open up more by telling her how I feel.

Even though we have spent a lot of time together I have still managed to maintain a Don Juanesque presence with her. I'm not supplicating and use ****y and funny a lot.

I'm afraid her interest level is going to drop drastically now. I would really appreciate any sincere suggestions you guys may have to keep things afloat.

 

[Don-Rocker]

Hi,

Well after only knowing her a couple of months the first mistake was seeing her 4 or 5 times a week...

Doc says and I agree no more then twice a week for the first year or two, maybe 3, but 5 days a week! Your giving her no time to miss you, and that many times will make a women think she has you under her thumb and then boredom sets in, then she loses interest while you're gaining interest and that blows a big winie my friend.

I think in the first few months of dating a new girl, at least go on some dates with other women - to keep you from making these mistakes -, any normal women will understand if you do not give her an exlcusive relationship right away, make'em work it a bit, otherwise you are no challenge and no prize and then you lose value in their eyes.

Besides I have found that seeing a women that many times a week so soon will also cause you to become too close to her too soon, and then one-itis and distress will set in if she does not return it. If a women depands exclusiveness right away and becomes gobby right away herself, that's a huge red flag that she will be an emotional burden to you too, been there and that is the last thing a man needs, it steels his manhood and energy.

The point of never saying I love you first as a man I think is that you want to make sure she SHE loves you before you go there.

Good luck, my 2 cents, been there before myself bro.

 

[Demodulate]

dont ever bring it up again.... at this point thats the best thing you can do..

beyond that it may already be to late... for a woman not to reciprocate is a bad sign..

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by Demodulate
dont ever bring it up again.... at this point thats the best thing you can do..

beyond that it may already be to late... for a woman not to reciprocate is a bad sign..

I think it's probably good that she didn't reciprocate. It shows that she's not careless about saying it so if she does say it, she really means it. He probably didn't really mean it...and is just feeling kinda infatuated right now, so that could work against him. She could view him as being too needy and in too much of a hurry.

 

[chronic]

Agreed. He is probably just infatuated and probably did not really mean it. But I still think it was a bad mistake. There's not much you can do now--you just have to wait and see how she takes it. I'm sure there are some guys on this board would be able to resolve this situation but most guys would not be able to do it without coming off as clingy.

Hanging out with one girl too much early on definitely leads to one-itis especially if you are unseasoned and have a tendency to rush into things.

 

[speedo_meme]

have you seen her since then? how has she acted?

i may not be a don juan just yet, but i was in that situation from nov. to feb.....with a girl i was absolutely in love with. i played it cool for a month or two, then we started screwing and spending every night together....to make a long story short, it ended with 2 months of agony for me and trying to fill her void with any girl i could

man, back off now....you may have a 50-50 shot with her now, if you play it right....but at the same time you can't make any drastic changes or she'll know something's up....good luck, because i don't wish my situation on anybody, and it seems this one is headed that way

 

[TooColdUlrick]

there are some "rules" that i never break. this is one of them...she shall be the first one to say THAT to me!

anyway...damage control? don't do anything drastic, just try to go with the flow (if you wish to). perhaps see her just a little less, call her just a little less, be just a little more detached.

definitely do not dwell on it....forget it happened.... and NEVER bring it up again until or unless she says to you, unsolicited, those three words.

 

[Diligentsd]

Jesus H Christ! Some great responses!

In hindsight, I see what a fool I was on seeing her too much and telling her "I love her". Wyldfire dialed right in on it. I should have seen the signs of her trying to cool things because it was going so fast.

A relationship is like a fruit that has to grow and mature gradually with sustained quality and quantity. What I have is a fully oranged orange that hasn't grown more than a golfball.

Speedo and Ulrick, I am taking your advice and scaling things back and doing it naturally. I am feeling different after all this has gone down. I will never bring it up again either. I don't feel compelled to see her 24/7 now that I see the forest instead of a bunch of pine trees. I feel for you Speedo, it's a terrible feeling.

After I told her, we had dinner and sex. Things seemed pretty normal. I am still feeling her interest level as high as ever though. I feel as though she understands what is going on with me and waiting for the high to wear off. I'm putting my chances at 70-30 at coming through.

Today, I would have asked her to come over tonight. When we talked I mentioned nothing about it and that I would talk to her later. I felt it in her voice that she wasn't expecting to come over and that she felt a little bummed that I didn't mention it. I am going to give her the gift of missing me more. I just don't want it to seem spiteful because she did not reciprocate.

I thought I would be feeling bad, but I am feeling pretty damn good about things. If there is anything else you guys can recommend, let me know. Thanks for the help in a big way!

 

[TooColdUlrick]

remember though....just because she didn't say it back to you doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't feel the same way. hey i've done it a few times....she says that to me and i don't say it back. i want to say it back (if i'm feelin' it of course) on my own terms.

i'll tell you one thing, SHE'S DEFINITELY THINKING ABOUT IT

what you said that is.

just chill.

 

[Diligentsd]

It's over. Last night we called it quits. I haven't been feeling that vibe in the past two weeks (week prior to saying "I love you"). I've been on an emotional roller coaster and I needed to find resolve. I only saw her once this week but we planned for the weekend.

We were planning on going out of town for a getaway this weekend. As I was looking up hotels, I thought to myself before I invest any more time and money into this I need to know. I called her told her I wasn't feeling the vibe. I had to press her for a while before she started spilling the beans. She said she couldn't give me the relationship I wanted. Since we were already in a relationship, that means it's done. She said we should take a break. I declined and said "I don't do breaks".

During this conversation I was not emotional or being a wuss. I did not ask her to rethink things or give it another chance. I was doing laundry and telling her very nonchalantly that she can come get her stuff whenever she likes. She seemed surprised I wasn't more emotional.

I told her I could mail her her things if she felt uncomfortable coming over. She said "no" she will come and get them. I wanted her to come get her stuff tomorrow so this could be over with. But she said she probably wouldn't be able to because she had things to do. How could she not have the time when we were planning on spending the weekend together?

She is seeing a totally different side to me and I think she wants to take some time to think about the finality of this and see how she feels before seeing me one last time.

Telling her "I love you" didn't kill this. Going too fast and not making her earn my heart killed this. I eliminated the challenge for her. First girl i opened up to in 3 years. I will never let this happen again.

 

[Kaine]

Definately "I love you" might have been the last nail in the coffin. Challenge is a definate requirement in maintaining attraction, and this means getting her to chase you for affirmation of love and committment. I recommend generally not to push too much, and let her be the one to do it, if she plays it cool, you play it cooler. From experience she will be the one to want to progress the relationship with i.e. exclusiveness, declaration of love, moving in, marriage etc and it's happening again in my current relationship, wanting to nest with me. This works with all other things been equal i.e. you are an attractive, valuable guy and she is a normal woman.


Always what's important is not focus your actions too much by how you feel but on how she feels through her actions. How you feel may be totally different in how she see's things. Don't let your rose tinted glasses screw things up for you.


Kaine

 

[Diligentsd]

Thanks everyone. I know I blew it in a big way. It's been 5 days and I feel I have recovered quite a bit from the oneitis. The funny thing is, in hindsight I was the one who broke it off. I drilled her with questions that I only would do in an AFC state. Her answers revealed the truth about the situation which sort of set me free from the infatuation. I was seeing things clearly and it didn't feel good. But it was the first step to recovery.

She never ended it with me though. I did, because she didn't feel as sprung as I thought she did. I'm going to attempt to resurrect this. I'll post a new thread. I know you're probably shaking your heads, but hear me out.

 

[TooColdUlrick]

^^^^ the best way would be to go out with other chicks, and somehow make sure she knows about it without actually telling her.

 

[drZaius09]

When you come here looking for 'damage control' after saying something like that, you are trying to treat the symptom and not the disease. The REAL issue is the fact that you have these feelings in the first place, not the fact that you make them known to her.

The next time you feel "love" for a girl and either tell her or consider telling her, the first thing you need to do is step back and ask why. Why do you have these feelings? What is missing in your life for such a misguided emotional reaction to take place? Where is the emptiness that you are trying to fill?

Having feelings of LOVE for someone you are casually dating is an INFIRMITY. That means there's something wrong that needs to be fixed, which rarely has anything at all to do with the girl. It could stem from insecurity, dissatisfaction in your career or personal life, who knows. The point is, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Settle the underlying issues and you will never have this problem again.

 

[Squid]

Originally posted by drZaius09
When you come here looking for 'damage control' after saying something like that, you are trying to treat the symptom and not the disease. The REAL issue is the fact that you have these feelings in the first place, not the fact that you make them known to her.

The next time you feel "love" for a girl and either tell her or consider telling her, the first thing you need to do is step back and ask why. Why do you have these feelings? What is missing in your life for such a misguided emotional reaction to take place? Where is the emptiness that you are trying to fill?

Having feelings of LOVE for someone you are casually dating is an INFIRMITY. That means there's something wrong that needs to be fixed, which rarely has anything at all to do with the girl. It could stem from insecurity, dissatisfaction in your career or personal life, who knows. The point is, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Settle the underlying issues and you will never have this problem again.

I'm not adding much to this thread, just wanted to say this is an excellent post. I just went through a similar reaction with a woman. I didn't tell her anything, but I started to think it in my head, I had to step back and analyze the situation and realize it wasn't her, it was my own insecurities making me feel like I needed this chick.

I then realized that there is no way I should be chasing her, she should be chasing me. We all have our moments, the trick is to realize it and then get back to being a dj.

 

[Diligentsd]

DrZaius09, I see your point. I've been wanting to get into a long term relationship so I could get more emotional depth, to feel love from a woman that I was very into. She made me feel that she was the one.

Through the whole time we were together I was battling back and forth in my mind the question "am I the prize or is she the prize?" After I got oneitis the balance shifted towards her being the prize.

With my past two 4 year relationships I had the same feeling and acted pretty AFC and had oneitis in the beginning. They both worked out great until I got tired of the relationship, grew apart from them, and broke it off. I didn't think that you had to control what you told a girl and the time you spent with her mattered if you both felt that way based on my experience.

I've studied and have the DJ techniques down when it comes to picking up chicks, getting them into bed, being emotionally unattached, and keeping them wanting more. But once I got one I wanted to keep, I relied on my previous experience in the two LTRs.

Half of me thinks it wasn't meant to be and I found out sooner than later. The other half tells me it would have worked out had I played my cards right.