Have I gone back to my AFC ways?

[Secondtimeround]

We instantly connected (a shy HB8 but bump her to a HB10 if regarding her personality) and that's what she thought and told me herself. Kept working my game; flirting, teasing etc and finding she responds better to my more mature artsy side. That's when the flood gates opened and I'm showered with compliments, happy grins, laughing and light kino (further helps being in a class that requires us touching each other). She responded the most when I questioned if she was single (she is) and got her number. Yet she is a sensitive type so I say anything out of wack (she gets upset and I get ignored for a bit before she comes back).

Thing is and as I write this and reflect, I feel just as much an AFC as I was back in the days. So now the problem. After class, I invite her occasionally to lunch yet have been turned down thus far. Each time she already has a friend she is seeing or too busy and has to bolt off. Have not asked much lately so she ends up asking me but again she will still have something on. Bear in mind these 'friends' she makes it emphasised to me are just girls. Heck she is not the party type and her only photo's with a guy is her cousin.

I'm not sure how to go about this. She is my lab partner so not like I can simply palm her off. I'm still spinning plates but they just lack that maturity and connectivity I have with this HB and hence I'm struggling to move on. She is a super religious girl though (church and volunteer work) so not sure if this'd be the reason - actually most likely not hey because as someone here has said, if a girl is into you, she will find the time...

So I guess my question here is, how do I go about this/ should I still invest time into her? Clearly she has admiration for me etc but I'm still coming to grasps with her flaky side. How would you guys go about this? Just keep the flirting etc up with her but don't expect much out of this?

Cheers

 

[TheCWord]

Hey Second,

I had a very similar experience with a very similar-sounding girl over the past year. It developed into serious oneitis that I am still reeling from. You, however, can have a better outcome than me.

It sounds like you idealize your girl a lot like I did with mine... That all these red flags we're seeing might not actually be red flags, but are just a product of a shy, special girl not knowing how to go about things with you.

Unlike the majority of SS, I'm going to say this: she probably IS special. She probably IS different. She probably IS better than all those other plates you're spinning (which makes it infinitely more important that you stay on your game).....

However, a red flag is still a red flag. The DJ truism that you mentioned is very accurate: a girl who likes you won't confuse you. She'll make the time to see you. This girl, at this time, is making a lot of excuses. In my experience, these shy, special girls of ours will not just tell us to go away when they're uninterested because that'd require confrontation and being "mean."

So your first step is to accept that she is putting out signals of low interest and NOT LET THEM PHASE YOU. Here's where I went wrong, Second, and where I'm hoping you will not make the same mistake: I saw this special girl always avoiding making plans and I tried even harder to get her. I'd squeak out a date here, a date there, a makeout sesh here and a few nice things said there - but I totally felt like someone clumsily and frantically doing anything possible to lock this girl down.

She's not accepting plans with you yet - ok... don't freak, just stay even keel and don't give her too much attention. Stay confidently persistent by flirting and joking around with her when you see her, but not asking her out. When you see that look in her eyes again and it's been a while since the last time you asked, put out the offer again. If she makes up an excuse, cool - reset and repeat, always staying calm and never letting her see that her rejections are hurting you.

If this goes on for too long I'd pull back more and more each time - eventually reaching No Contact, at which point you'll find out how she really feels. But no need to get dramatic and play the NC card just yet.

My guess would be that she'll come around. All you have to do is not put too much responsibility on her for your happiness... if she rejects plans or acts uninterested, you can't huff and puff at her about how she's disrespecting you, etc. Because right now, she doesn't owe you anything. Just react in a DJ way and keep withdrawing your attention until she starts doing some of the work - you can't always be the one putting in all the effort!

 

[Atom Smasher]

That's a pretty good post there Cword.

To it I would add that the OP should back off for a while just as you say, and then one final time command her to go to lunch with him.

"Come on out to lunch with me." or "I'm going out to lunch. Come with me." I use that to great effect. Women do respond to commands, especially when the target has been softened for a while. If she still refuses, cut bait and fish elsewhere.

 

[Cremasta]

Oh man, I was in EXACTLY that situation back at Uni. Except my girl was more of a HB6 (maybe a HB7 with the personality - she was into Triathlons though so had great legs).

We ended up dating for about 5 months.

Ultimately, her being VERY churchy, and me not being churchy at all was the deal breaker. I just wanted her naked and she just wanted me to pray, not a lot of common ground there :nono:

 

[Secondtimeround]

Thanks Cword and AS, will definately do that. Think I may just hold off on it all until the end of semester and try to keep building rapport. She has her guard up quite a bit so hopefully I can break through it sooner rather than later. I guess with HBs actions speak louder than words and my game is still rough around the edges.

I know some of you guys would tell me to let this one go but I feel I want to keep her even just on the back burners. Funnily enough my last LTR took me 2 months of pursuing so I am no stranger to putting effort where needed. Ultimately my personality and how I held myself won out giving a win to sites like this that tell us physicality isn't everything.

Cremasta would be right about that religion thing but I'll figure that out once I get there. One step at a time