Handling a 7yr LTR breakup

[Hiker]

Hi everyone,

I need support; to know that I'm not the only one who has gone through this; to know that things will get better.

My girlfriend of 7 years just ended it with me.
I lost my best friend. The pain is intense. It fluctuates throughout the day, but when there, feels like a black cloud surrounding me that overrides any logic or reason. I feel like I want to die at times.

She still loves me, though she is not in love with me.
She wants to stay friends and maintain contact.
She is hurting too.
Everything reminds me of her.

Do I handle this like any other breakup?
Has anyone else here gone through something similar?

Someone please help.

 

[Boilermaker]

Hi Hiker,

Good riddance. You started with her when you were 19 and you are 26 now. Only getting to know one woman in all that time? You may think of it as a blessing in the future.

For now, try to change your attitude towards the break-up. Do something that will take you one step further every day. Pain will go away gradually. I would stick to this place, and get ideas.

Keep your chin up! You're young and you're healthy.

Health -- Wealth -- Relationships.

I hope you're only failing on the least important tenet of happiness.

Good luck,

 

[SecondHalf]

Welcome Hiker,

I think we all have.

Few basic breakup rules...
1) Go no contact.
The longer you stay "semi-involved" with this person, the longer you prolong the hurt. You've been cast aside. You're in self preservation mode now. The reason she wants to stay friends is that it makes it much easier for her to cope with (if that's even the case). Remember, the dumper has had much more time than you to emotionally prepare for this breakup. Really, no texts, emails, phone calls. Drop the BBM, Skype, FB ... all social media links. Never check with common friends how she's doing, cause guess what, she'll be doing great.

2) Don't whatever you do hit the alcohol or the drugs (if you have this habit). You will just hurt yourself and slow down the recovery.

3) Push yourself to work on yourself. If you don't work out, start! If you work out, work out harder. Take a course...

4) Get your support network stoked. That's not to say turn into a whining, broken man, but it's good to have people you know you can talk to (just don't burn them out).

5) Common sense - when you're raw, avoid music, movies, favorite restaurants that you associate with her.

6) Don't whatever you do harbor thoughts about getting your ex back. You two broke up because the relationship is ... broken.

Walk away a man and let her always struggle with the notion that she might have made a mistake. Every time you contact her, cry, blow up her phone, you strengthen her resolve and confidence in her decision.

Good Luck,

SH

 

[Trailboss]

Just went through it bro...8 years together and loved her more then my own self. The pain was (almost)unbearable. But...time passes, ya get, and stay, busy. I didn't even think of another woman for over 5 years. Just worked, came home, drank (worked for me!)and did it all over again next morning. Found a hobby and stayed busy at that...anything to take my mind off her...time passes and it gets easier. Helps if you have family, someone to talk to...if your not an anti-social, arrogant dic_k like me you might go get laid as fast as possible to take your mind off her but....wouldnt have worked for me...

 

[Von_S]

Was in an 8.5 year relationship and got dumped by my girl for some euro fag. I was an AFC and probably deserved it; its been 4.5 years and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

1) NO CONTACT - cannot stress this enough
2) Channel your anger/energy into something positive (gym/work/hobbies) - anything constructive that makes you a better man
3) Make new guy friends - reconnect with friends whom you've lost touch with, make new friends through meetup, common interest groups, etc. (NOT ON THE INTERNET, these have to be people you can actually meet in person)
4) Do something for yourself - take that trip you've always wanted, move across country, look at the things you passed on because of her and start catching up to your own ambitions.
5) Move forward - don't get caught up on coulda/shoulda/woulda; get a little bit better every day.

and last but not least...

6) Spin plates

 

[Zarky]

OP your first major LTR breakup is one of the toughest things you go through in life.

Since you were dating for 7 years, here's a rough breakdown:

You'll be a total wreck for 7 months or so,
You'll be somewhat of a mess for another 7 months,
It'll take another 7 months to be completely recovered.

 

[zekko]

The pain is intense. It fluctuates throughout the day

You say the pain fluctuates. Just be aware that those times in the day when it doesn't hurt so much are going to increase over time. It will take awhile, but you will get over it. Most of us have been through something like this, so you're not alone.

You mentioned she still wants to stay in contact. That can work, but you should know that continuing to be around her may delay the healing time. It kind of depends on how you react around her, and how much you are willing to accept that the relationship is over.

I agree with Von S: Use the pain and anger as motivation to improve yourself.

 

[origin138]

Hey Hiker,

Sorry to hear about your situation. No doubt it's a tough one.

I'm going to be candid with you because clarity is important. If you can see her actions for what they are, you'll be in a great place to move on instead of holding on to some lingering false hopes she's likely providing at the moment (see below).

She still loves me, though she is not in love with me.

This is woman-ese for "I'm not interested anymore and need to move on. You should do the same."

She wants to stay friends and maintain contact.

Of course she does, at your expense. Who benefits from this scenario? Surely not you. See to it that YOU benefit first and foremost. Her benefits are now your afterthought.

She is hurting too.

Maybe. She exited this relationship emotionally a long time ago. I highly doubt she's feeling as sh!tty as you are at the moment.

Everything reminds me of her.

I believe it. My last LTR was several years ago, and I still see/hear/smell things that remind of me the ex. While these things may never go away, the IMPACT they have on you will subside.

Form new memories with new women.

Do I handle this like any other breakup?

No, 7 years is a long time, but the tactics of moving on will be the same as any other breakup.

Samspade gave some great insight above that you should pay close attention to. You'll have to do several things:

1. Limit your exposure to her, i.e. no contact.
2. Deal with your emotions while they're raw. It's a great way to get past the breakup and alleviate the impact the breakup has caused.
3. Start seeing other women. This is HUGELY important and I cannot stress it enough. Never get saddled with 1 woman again unless you've screened her for a very long time. Finding the right woman takes a lot of time. Don't side step this. Ever notice how women always have a handful of orbiting men they can run to at a moment's notice? Always have several options to choose from even if they're aren't ideal women.
4. Take off the rose-colored glasses when it comes to women. As men in America, we're raised to believe women are infallible and should be treated better than ourselves. Incorrect. Women are deeply flawed and should never be given special treatment unless they've done something to earn it.
5. As Boilermaker suggested, stay plugged in to this website. The gents here will all help you stay on track and hold you accountable in your interactions with women.

You'll only get better from here. You still have your best years ahead, as cliche as that sounds

Has anyone else here gone through something similar?

Unfortunately, I'm sure most of us have and we're better because of it.

 

[PlayHer Man]

I agree with the others about no contact and finding positive activities and new relationships to distract you.

I think the most important part is NO CONTACT. You have to truly kill any idea in your mind of getting back together. You need to pretend she is dead. Because in a way, she is. The girl who you fell for, who was attracted to you, who was your best friend, etc.. no longer is. She is not that person anymore. She has changed. The girl you bonded with does not exist anymore. She is dead.

If you even THINK about getting back in touch with her, just know she is not the same person. She is a new person who does not love you. She is a stranger. View her as a stranger in your Ex girlfriend's body. A different person.

 

[SteR]

Great advice in this thread

 

[The Duke]

I've been down that same road too Hiker. Mine said all the same things yours said. I can't really add anything different, other than reiterate what Origin138 said when he decoded the woman-ese. He's exactly correct.

Find somebody that is a good listener and willing to lend an ear when you need to get some emotions out.

 

[Hiker]

To All: Thank you so much for your responses. Your words are wise and give me strength.

I'm trying my absolute best not to think of her and stay busy.

She's called me 10 times in the last 20 minutes. I haven't answered.

 

[drak_ool]

You need to pretend she is dead. Because in a way, she is. The girl who you fell for, who was attracted to you, who was your best friend, etc.. no longer is. She is not that person anymore. She has changed. The girl you bonded with does not exist anymore. She is dead.

If you even THINK about getting back in touch with her, just know she is not the same person. She is a new person who does not love you. She is a stranger. View her as a stranger in your Ex girlfriend's body. A different person.

That is so true, definitely the number one thought that kept me going during my last breakup.

 

[Cheeks]

You want an alternate opinion? The best way to get over her is to get back together with her.
I went through a break-up last year. 3 year relationship. I was a mess, a broken man. And yet, through a combination of PUA "get your ex back" tactics and AFC betaboy romanticizing, I somehow "won" her back.
Let me tell you, a year later and you couldn't pay me enough to talk to her again. Go ahead and find out for yourself what it's like to be with a woman who resents and disrespects you because you didn't have enough options to move on from her.
The loving girl you once knew is gone and has been replaced with a vicious ego. You have to harden yourself to this reality. Then and only then can you free your mind and heart from that prison.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Hiker,
Most of the guys here have lost wives and kids,in my case after a 23 years marriage,out of the blue my wife decided to run off with a pair of Lesbians...try that for size...The Trapeze Artist who falls into the net,knows there is only one thing to do,get back up or give it all away...For you,there is no magic bullet,you cannot wash away seven years,just sublimate it with a succession of plates until you find someone who suits...Dancing lessons are a good start,certainly better than bars or lone binging...Hobbies are good,maybe take up a course where you will meet a few Girls...good luck Mate!

 

[Romjuan]

Welcome Hiker,

I think we all have.

Few basic breakup rules...
1) Go no contact.
The longer you stay "semi-involved" with this person, the longer you prolong the hurt. You've been cast aside. You're in self preservation mode now. The reason she wants to stay friends is that it makes it much easier for her to cope with (if that's even the case). Remember, the dumper has had much more time than you to emotionally prepare for this breakup. Really, no texts, emails, phone calls. Drop the BBM, Skype, FB ... all social media links. Never check with common friends how she's doing, cause guess what, she'll be doing great.

2) Don't whatever you do hit the alcohol or the drugs (if you have this habit). You will just hurt yourself and slow down the recovery.

3) Push yourself to work on yourself. If you don't work out, start! If you work out, work out harder. Take a course...

4) Get your support network stoked. That's not to say turn into a whining, broken man, but it's good to have people you know you can talk to (just don't burn them out).

5) Common sense - when you're raw, avoid music, movies, favorite restaurants that you associate with her.

6) Don't whatever you do harbor thoughts about getting your ex back. You two broke up because the relationship is ... broken.

Walk away a man and let her always struggle with the notion that she might have made a mistake. Every time you contact her, cry, blow up her phone, you strengthen her resolve and confidence in her decision.

Good Luck,

SH

I havent been on the site in a while, and I have to admit Im impressed with how much this site has become wiser. This post is EXACTLY what I would recommend. OP you are in a battle with your head and you are sad because you were use to something/someone that was with you daily and now your trying to cope with a missing peace. You need to occupy yourself. NO CONTACT is the single most important thing you can do.

Next do what is posted here. The only other thing I would suggest doing is to remove ANYTHING in your house, car that reminds you of her. Rearrange your bedroom, living room so you cant look at the same places and have reminders of her. The combination of whats been posted plus time is what will get you over her. It will take about 6 months.

 

[betheman]

To All: Thank you so much for your responses. Your words are wise and give me strength.

I'm trying my absolute best not to think of her and stay busy.

She's called me 10 times in the last 20 minutes. I haven't answered.

excellent! she wants to know how much she has hurt you, that she still has control over you, dont feed that beast, each time you would respond, its takes a little of your dignity away and makes getting over her that bit harder and longer.
lifes tough for you right now, we appreciate that, it will be tough tomorrow..but at some point in the future!
use this site as a crutch for now if you havent any other outlets.

 

[Down Low]

Speaking as someone who's been through all kinds of woman-hell, you're better off with no woman at all than to waste another second thinking about her. Be grateful you got out of it alive. Every day now is a gift. Push the reset button, start over, and build yourself a new life.

 

[DMEDFISIK]

What everyone here says is the truth. The longer you try to be in contact, the harder it will be to move on. No contact is really logical--it's a move in which you remove the source of pain. Although the path to recovery may seem slow, not removing the source of pain only makes recovery even longer.

If I stab myself with a knife, there is pain. Continued stabbing only accentuates the pain. However by removing and discarding the knife, my physiology can start the slow healing process unabated. "No contact" is your friend right now.

 

[Mercenary]

To All: Thank you so much for your responses. Your words are wise and give me strength.

I'm trying my absolute best not to think of her and stay busy.

She's called me 10 times in the last 20 minutes. I haven't answered.

Excellent. You handled that well, but you can't count on that strategy being effective forever.

She will find a way to make contact with you:
She knows your habits, stomping grounds, routine, friends, where you work, etc. It's unrealistic to think you will be able to avoid her forever. Realize this and prepare for when it happens.

She will make concessions:
After she manufactures a way to get an audience with you, she will try to appeal to your ego and tell you that "you were right" about "x, y, and z". This will make you feel good in the interim, but ultimately is a ploy to distract you.

She will try to make you jealous:
See the history of man. "Ain't nobody got time for that". It's a largely pointless emotion.

"Didn't our time together mean anything to you?":
Of course it did. It means that you are older, smarter, wiser. It means you are grateful for the experiences you had together. Ultimately those experiences will make you a better partner for the woman you end up with.